A Conversation With A Bill Collector

The Key:
Thoughts and reactions...
The Bill Collector
The Second Sixty-Eight


"Hello, is this Second?"
Damn, awful familiar ain'tcha?
"Uh... Yeah."
"My name is Marvin. I am from the Get Money collection agency"
"O-kay..."
"I am calling to day to discuss your bill with Schlums Department stores."
"Mmm Hmm..."
"And let me just say that this call may be monitored for quality control purposes."
"Fine"
"And we are a debt collection agency and any information will be used for purposes of collecting a debt"
"Right"
"So, Second, you have an outstanding balance of a trillion simoleons with Schlums"
Damn, whatever happened to Mr. Sixty-Eight?
"Right"
"How are you gonna pay this today"
"Uh huh..." <~~~ sounding very amused...
"I'm sorry, did I say something funny?"
"Well. Kinda."
"What did I say?"
"The part where you assumed I have a trillion simoleons and am just waiting for you to ask nicely before I remit payment."
"Ah. I did not intend to amuse. I am simply trying to resolve a matter for my client. Which is a win-win for everyone because they get their money and you will not have negative items put on your credit report."
Really? Like the ones put on there the last six months in a row?
"I understand that. But it was still funny nonetheless. But really, if I HAD a trillion simoleons just laying around, do you think WE would be having this conversation?"
"Hey, I am just doing my job."
"That is cool. At least you got a job. Some of us don't"
"Um..."
"And I understand it is your job to call people and try to get the books balanced..."
"Good. So then you will send..."
"Hey! I was not done speaking!"
"Sorry, but I get folk wanting to explain all the time!"
"And you are still interrupting."
"Sorry, go on..."
"Thank you! As I was saying, I understand it is your job to balance the books. HOWEVER, I am in no position to help you resolve this matter."
"So are you saying that you WON'T pay it?"
"No. I am saying that I CAN'T pay it."
"Why are you reluctant to satisfy this debt?"
"Um... Maybe you are misunderstanding me. Reluctant and unable are two completely different concepts."
"So why are you unable to pay today?"
"Because I am not employed. And have no source of income."
"Why don't you have a job? Are you looking for one?"
"Yes and no."
"Which is it? Yes or no?"
"Nehmind..."
"So how do you eat? You are on a phone. How do you manage all that?"
"The kindness of others, and we will leave it at that."
"Well can you get it from them?"
"Nope"
"I can't imagine having someone else taking care of me."
"Not so hard when you actually try."
"I don't get it."
"Sigh... I am taking care of my disabled mother. Since she needs pretty much around the clock care, I can't just up and leave for hours and hours at a time. Hence no job. Hence no income. Therefore SHE takes care of the food and such."
"Oh. I'm sorry."
"Hey, it happens."
"Well do you think you can get it from her?"
** crickets **
"No."
"Why not?"
"It ain't her debt. She is doing more than enough already. We poor. And her fixed income shortens the priority list up quite a bit."
"So you won't ask her."
"I won't even consider asking. Besides if it ain't about survival or taking care of her needs, it ain't getting spent."
"Well can you borrow it from somebody else?"
"No"
"Why not?"
Is he really serious?
"Listen man, I don't have the money or the means to pay you. Why would I go and ask someone for the money knowing I don't have the means to give it back! Isn't that kinda the reason why we are having this conversation?"
"Maybe they want to help."
"That wanting to help thing pretty much stops at food and shelter. Times are hard, folk ain't got the money to pay somebody else's bills. Whose bills are you paying?"
"Hey, I work for a living. I can't pay nobody else's bills. That is what jobs are for. But this ain't about me."
"So you see my point then."
"Well, do you have some land you can sell then?"
"Land?"
"Yes. Some property you can sell to generate funds to pay this debt."
** more crickets **
"Damn! Lemme break it down for ya dude! I AM BROKE! I live in tha hood. I got no money. No way of getting money. I have no asset that... I have no COMBINATION of assets that could pay this bill! NOR would I sell everything I had to pay something that will not affect my continuing survival on this planet. I am so far down the list of needs that all this conversation serves it to entertain me! If I sell ANYTHING it will be for keeping myself off of the street and from starving. And before you ask, NO! I ain't gonna go stand on no damn corner while she is sleeping either!!!"
"Look man! I gotta job to do..."
"Yeah. You said that. A piece of friendly advice. Don't do your job here until like next year. Maybe then things will have changed for the better and I might be in a position to work something out..."
"Well. I will call you next month."
"That's fine. But don't be offended if you get the answering machine. I get mail from you guys all the time. So I couldn't forget this if I wanted to!"
"Thank you Mr. Sixty-Eight. Hope things work out for you."
"You have a nice day then..."
Tha fucka! Mr. Sixty-Eight at the end? Tha damn nerve. It ain't like I owe THEM! They bought it from the people that Schlums sold it to...