Thursday, September 17, 2009

Captain's Log: Stardate 55177.4

7:19 a.m.
I have been awake one hour and nineteen minutes.
And I am pissed.
Lemme see...

  • Awakened @ 6:00 a.m. by multiple alarms
  • Attempted to page teenagers on lower level
  • Lower level phone dead
  • Swore aloud since I made a point of mentioning that said phone should get charged the day before
  • Got out of my comfy bed
  • Walked down stairs
  • Searched for first body to awaken
  • Found previously mentioned body awake in bathroom
  • Asked myself WTF am I doing up then?
  • Left instructions to first body to make sure the other two bodies get the hell up
  • Banged on door to interrupt the slumber of bodies two and three.
  • Escaped lower level, but only after noticing(ONE MORE TIME!) that them trifling muthafuckas need to get their cleaning game on.
  • Returned to upper level to contemplate life and other such things while attending to blog comments and e-mail.
  • Got fed up that dog had been whining for several minutes with no action being taken.
  • Asked body number one WHY dog has been whining for several minutes WITH NO ACTION BEING TAKEN?!?!? wait... Imma give you the long version...

    • "Um... Sir?"
    • "Yeah?"
    • "Whatchu doin'?"
    • "Huh?"
    • "What are you doing?"
    • "Waitin' for my clothes to dry"
    • "Waiting... While you are supposed to be getting dressed?"
    • "Yeah"
    • "Wouldn't it have been more intelligent to dry them YESTERDAY?"
    • "..."
    • "Hello?"
    • "Yeah, it would have"
    • "So why are you waiting NOW?"
    • "Actually I am trying to get the wrinkles out"
    • "Uh, huh..." Actually this was me resisting the urge to go into a long discourse about the merits of using an iron... But not to get distracted from my mission...
    • "So you are doing nothing then"
    • "Um... yeah"
    • "Really?"
    • "That and listening to the dog whine"
    • "Listening to the dog whine..."
    • "Yeah"
    • "And you think this is a good thing to be doing right at this moment?"
    • "He be whining for no reason!!!"
    • "Really?"
    • "Yeah, you know..."
    • "When has he been out last?"
    • "I don't know"
    • "You don't know?"
    • "Yeah"
    • "You don't know, yet you feel justified in saying that he is whining for no reason?"
    • "Um..."
    • "For that matter, are his bowls full?"
    • "He just got done eating and stuff!"
    • I sigh heavily and a moment later I hear a "chink" and then a large white blur thunders up the stairs at me. I open the door to his "bathroom".
    • "Um... Are y'all using the car today?"
    • "The car?"
    • "Yeah"
    • "Why?"
    • "I wanted y'all to drop me off and pick me up from school?"
    • "Really? What's wrong with the bike?"
    • "Nothing, my legs hurt"
    • "Your legs...?" Translation: from laying around on your ass?
    • "Hmm... We'll see..." Translation: You still laying on ya ass 15 minutes before you are supposed to leave, I am gonna do the dishes Y'ALL didn't do last night (while you are at school), I cooked last night, the garbage ain't out (today is garbage day), you been ignoring the dog, AND I gotta constantly pretty much get off in ya grill to get shit done. Yet YOU want ME to chauffer ya ass around? HMPH! (The only reason I even considered it was because there was a bit of chill in the air this morning...)
    • "While you are standing around, why don't you make sure the other two are up!"
    • "OK" He schleps over to the door and taps lightly
    • "Do you think you could actually knock on the door?" He knocks harder. Then again like he actually means it.
    • From inside the door comes "YEAH?!?"
    • To which I replied "GET YA DAMN ASSES THE HELL UP OUTTA BED. THE FUCK YOU WAITING FOR?" it is 6:45 by now...
  • I also notice that the lock is missing from the garage.
  • Go outside and see that the bag that didn't make it out to the curb last week is still sitting busted in the garage.
  • Garbage IN the house is still in the house
  • Dishes ain't done yet they ate for the last two days because I cooked!
  • Went to see about my sick wife and here he comes with the car shit again!
  • This of course set her off since the car is messed up and costs money that needs to be put in the rent. The sheer selfishness of the request had her in tears.
  • AND she went downstairs (very rare) looking for something and was disgusted with the condition of the basement.
Needless to say, there will be me and hell to pay. Been kicking back too long not making waves. Since I ain't been contributing to the finances as I would like to be, I let her steer the ship since she got the wind up in the sails. But it is time for me to take command again. This ship needs her captain. Not saying that Spock is not an effective captain. But he ain't no Kirk. Wifey got the Bitch gene just fine. But command requires the Asshole gene. I got that. That is what command requires. As wifey, and the neighbor lady with the out of control kids, can attest, the Bitch gene is not enough.

p.s. For those Star Trek purists who would dispute my use of the Stardate in the title, DON'T WASTE YOUR TIME! If you however are curious as to where it came from... HERE!

Monday, September 14, 2009


I don't know about y'all. But I am convinced that this dude is straight crazy! And definitely disrespectful!!!

Tuesday, September 08, 2009

Um... Okay.

I must have awaken today in Bizarro world. Why you ask?

I daresay Rhianna betta watch her back! When aged where are they now celebs with huge racks and accents as thick as molasses start performing her stuff onstage, she might be in trouble.

Shit, I gotta start watching the damn Jerry Lewis Telethon again! That was strangely entertaining!

Who knew Charo wanted to be a pop star?

Saturday, September 05, 2009

A Song For Nikki...

I told myself that after the post below, I would raise the flag back to the top of the pole again. Public expressions of mourning shouldn't last forever. And I need to take that private anyway. Already I lied to myself and am posting one more than I told myself I would. (this one)

Tomorrow it is back to the usual blogging and facebook stuff. New post, new status update, different tone and focus. Of course I will still be available should someone need me to get something off their chest. And there is a little bit of smurfy that needs resmurfing.

In short I will go on. But a little closer to a few because of a shared loss. And I shall add one more to my list of remembrances. And I am thankful for them all. I will probably speak on all that in more detail after now.

But there real reason for this post is a song dedication. It may be corny or cliche'. And if for one moment you think that matters, then obviously you have forgotten where you are, the title of this blog AND/OR the dude who authors it! I have been singing this song in part or whole all damn day (which started @ 3:30 this morn nap not withstanding). Since I didn't want to insult your souls by recording that caterwauling, I will let the professionals do their jobs.

Get a playlist! Standalone player Get Ringtones

Blog Jacking: Nikki - The Memorial Edition

I have been known to jack a post or two in my time. Usually to reedit one done by someone else to "improve" the experience. All done in fun of course. Particularly to honor the blogger in question. This time is no exception. At least the reason for doing it is the same. However this time I will jack the entire post and put it out there without "enhancements". This post is one of many that were hilarious, though provoking, wildly entertaining and the creations of a very talented (and slightly burnt out) mind.

This particular post was one of my favorites. I linked it in one of my old "Best Of" posts. After this I couldn't get enough of that kooky, wise, gifted, (insert 10 - 12 other adjectives here) blogger known as Nikki Indigo. From then my obsession our relationship grew and she would be in my world forever more!
And... (in her words) "it started off harmless enough, really."

I dedicate this bit of blogger love to you Nikki, on the day or your memorial.

Friday, April 27, 2007

crotchless panties


it's time...

i've put the dirty deed off long enough.

i was ready to squeeze one more week out of them, but it's become painfully obvious i can no longer wait.

it started this morning when i reached down to scratch my pubic area. it was itching as the pubic area is wont to do and i quickly sought to end the discomfort, so i reached under my miniskirt with the intent on scratching hard to compensate for the cotton covering the area.

imagine my surprise when instead of scratching through cotton my fingers came into immediate contact with short, coarse hair. for a minute there i wasn't even paying attention. it wasn't until i attempted to pull my hand from beneath my skirt and snagged one of my unmanicured fingernails in the hair on my crotch that i realized there was no cotton there. incredulous, i lifted my skirt and looked down to make sure i had on underwear (uh, sometimes mornings can be hectic...)

i had on underwear alright, or what was left of a pair of undies i'm sure i'd owned since college. the cotton dangled despondently like cheap lace from the edges of a gaping hole that framed my vagina like a cunt cameo. SHIT. when i'd grabbed them from the shelf this morning they looked wearable...a bit gray and threadbare but wearable. now, as i sit here at my desk i realize just how tattered they really are. the elastic is drooping like drunken lips around my waist, slovenly hugging my hips like an inebriated lover groping for me in the dark. there are other smaller holes everywhere along with a faded bruise 'the crimson bitch' left from one of her visits sometime during clinton's first administration.

not a good look.

time to toss these panties in the trash.

but i need help, because i just can't seem to part with THESE panties. it's like if i throw them away somewhere an angel loses her wings or a bag of puppies is tossed into a lake. on the days i know i'm wearing them, i pray i'm not in an accident or collapse in public so i won't have to show my rag-covered ass to the masses. i've put them to the side numerous times, mentally making note to toss these bad boys out.

so why can't i get RID of them?!?

maybe i've got some kind of attachment issues. maybe this is my version of the security blanket. maybe i wanna fool myself into believing my ass is still the same size it was when i was in college (while completely overlooking the fact that the material is so stretched out i could wrap my couch in it).

or maybe, deep down inside, i'm using them as a weapon against bad dick. i mean, the power of these panties to shrivel a dick is a sigh to behold. it's like watching a person crumble to the ground after being shot in the chest.

either way, something's got to give. any suggestions?