SMDH!

I don't know about y'all. But I am convinced that this dude is straight crazy! And definitely disrespectful!!!

Words From The Desert Man

What da fuck?

Da hell is going on up in here?

Look all unused and abused.

Where everybody at?

And what is that smell?

Smell like old cheese farts or something. with... i dunno... onions?

Ah! White Castle boxes!!! Which one of these rotten assed sumbitches farted before locking the door up in here!

Mail all piled up. Judging by the noms de blog, everybody been by. Some of these notes ain't so nice...

Looka here, Diva (know she 'bout fit to be tied), Ms. B. (done went on vacation and come back and still nothing), I will be all day going through this.

I would apologize for the rest of these fools but there is just no apology big enough.

I don't know what is up with these characters, ever since The Dark One talked Brainz into finishing school, things have been on a slide. Biker Dude done rode off to "bike ridin' country", wherever the hell that is. Hoeman been rather happy spoonin' booty lately so he ain't gonna be worth jack shit, or john shit either.

I bet it was that damn Sixty-Eight that left these damn White Castle boxes and the pungent ass White Castle fart that they tend to generate. Wonder how he sealed that shit in though? And why the spiders didn't die? Look at all them damn cobwebs!

Well, fuck that! I ain't cleaning up this joint!!! And I ain't blogging in this shithole!!! Guess I am gonna have to go find these assholes and bitchslap one or three into this damn blogging chair so y'all won't feel left out and such. And to clean up around here. I hear there is some news too.

Lemme get to gettin'! I got some dudes to find!

Later!

-Usama Bin Louie

Can Y'all Believe This Shit?

I am almost ashamed to claim the Metro Detroit Area as my home. Why? Because there are some seriously dumb and twisted folk up in this bitch! You don't believe me? Read this...

Supporting Obama? No treats for you at Grosse Pointe Farms house

Can I get a "What The Fuck???" up in here?

Blogger Is A Jackass!!!

Well. My Thursday Thirteen post seems to have come to a shitty end. Blogger is acting a straight jackass. So all of the content that I added over the last couple of hours is gone into the ether...

So...

Muthafuck you Blogger witcha bitchass self!!!!

ahem...

Back to your regularly scheduled programming... already in progress...

Memorial Madness: The Incident

Okay. The last installment involved the background material for THIS story. A short recap involved the devilish work of Shitake. That's a sliiiicckkkk one... But, onward... If you haven't read Memorial Madness: The Background, STOP! CLICK! READ! COME BACK!
I don't want you all lost as to why things are happening.

The day of the memorial arrives. The Wife had scooped me up the day before to reduce the amount of last minute rushing. So we were in chill mode for most of the morning. While doing breakfast, I happened to spy the time. So I asked her "What time is the service?" She looked at me and then the clock and said "Yeah, I know. We got plenty of time. It starts at 1:30. Well the family hour starts at 1:00 and the service starts at 1:30. But I want to arrive fashionably late so I don't have to deal with the BS that I am sure will be going on! I just know something is gonna happen. I am trying to give THEM the benefit of the doubt. But I ain't breaking bread with them fools afterward. I just can't deal with that mess!" So I said "Fine with me. I arrive when my driver does and leave when she goes! I don't know most of them folk anyway."

So we had our dressing, leaving and arriving plan set. We chillaxxed a bit more and then got dressed. I told The Boy that I would die before letting him be seen wearing a damn clip on tie while I still breathed. So tie tying class started. And I fear he needs a bit more practice. But out the door we go. On the way we were discussing what we might be expecting and the various devilment that Shitake had been engaging in up until that moment.

We arrive at the Jehovah's Witness hall where Gramma and Aunt Sweetie were members. Timing was impeccable. We arrived at about 1:25. We walked toward the entrance and spied all of the teenagers of the clan gravitated to each other talking about nothing. When we see Cousin CW, whose hot young body had turned into a bit larger middle aged version, headed toward us (sigh). As she is passing around hugs and greetings, she says, "It ain't happy in there. Be warned! They done started up already!" "Already!?!?!?" (Me and The Wife in stereo) CW - "Yep. Brace yourselves..." So me and the wife hover for a minute to steel ourselves by chit chatting with CW and the teens. And In we go!

We walk in and The Wife scans around to find her mom or sister for seating. No luck since she didn't see her sister and her mom was already accompanied. There was an empty row behind her mom. But she decided against sitting there. Okay she said "Ain't no way I am sitting in the middle near the front." So we sit at the right side of the hall about mid way back. We finally see her sister in the same row as us in the center section. By this time the teens had all drifted in and found seats. The Boy (my son) sat next to Heracles by MIL. The Girl (my daughter) sat by Jackie-L on the opposite side from us. We noticed that Aunt Sweetie and her family were in the front row, center section. MIL was in the row behind her with The Law's daughters, Heracles and The Boy. The next row was empty. Scratch that. The Law walked in right then with his wife and sat there. We noticed that Shitake was over by Jackie-L holding Princess (Jackie-L's baby girl). Aunt C, looking remarkably like a thicker version of Shitake (but don't tell HER that) was also over on the far side.

So the service went fine as usual. The pastor, as always, took that opportunity to hold service up in there! And between my bouts of nodding out, I found him pretty amusing. Mostly because I always find it amusing when people use redundancies when they talk. You know like when my step-mom says sausage-meat (sounds like shashuh meat). His phrase was Bible-book. And he quoted many scriptures out of that Bible-book too! He even gave us the Jehovah's Witness version of Heaven. Which I thought not too bad. Maybe I will read one of those Watchtowers that get forced on me in the future... But I digress.

The first clue for me that things might go horribly wrong was when The Wife borrowed an obituary from the man sitting at the end of the row. She remarked on the generally shoddy quality of the work. We (Me, The Wife and Annie Oakley) had done them for the last three funerals so it got critiqued, heavily. The first GLARING omission was when the son-in-laws were mentioned, her father wasn't in the list. He had passed on years earlier and apparently was out of mind (uh huh...) What I didn't know at the time was that Cousin Queen V (The Law's daughter, CW's sister) was visibly upset at the OTHER GLARING OMISSION. That being that The Law's wife wasn't mentioned either. His VERY MUCH ALIVE AND IN ATTENDANCE WIFE!!! And the wife was having a bit of sport at the part about Gramma being an exemplary mother and taught her children morals and such. This ALMOST made the wife snort out loud while the pastor was still doing his thing. But she listened when me and Cousin Glowworm told her to behave in stereo. A prayer and a few final words later the service ended! I even had my post half written at that point, especially about the Bible-book...

THEN ALL HELL BROKE LOOSE!!!!!

I started to look around for everybody who needed greetings from me. Then I notice The Law grab his wife from behind by the shoulders and force march her the hell up out of the hall. A man who I can't ever recall seeing before was hot on his heels saying stuff like "...dinner on my mothers memorial day" "Why she gotta be here?" "...Don't trust her!" as they went past my amazed eyes. Oh, this man, by the way, was Uncle Nutzo. Apparently he decided to wait exactly ONE second after the pastor finished to start his shit with big brother! I was starting to think how fucked up that shit was. Until he tried to take a swing at The Law! Right in the damn doorway!

:: Now this is the part where everything got confusing. Please bear with me if it gets confusing. ::

So Nutzo tries to start a fight with The Law because he had enough sense to leave instead of having some mess going on during the service. Bedlam! A couple of people grabbed Nutzo. He attempted to fight his way out. Was very close to getting the life stomped out of him by an off duty cop. THEN! MIL, who has numerous medical problems, decides to go get her little brother to try to get him to calm down. He bumps into her! Nearly knocking her over. So Heracles sees this, hulks the fuck out, off comes the shirt (I still don't remember what he was wearing aside from his uncle beater). He stands in front of her and dares Nutzo to touch her again! At the same time The Wife was counting her peeps to see where we were. She sees the bump. She yells to The Boy "Get your grandma! NOW!!!!" So my lazy ass son shocks the shit out of us by LEAPING over the chair and gets behind Heracles and in front of MIL. Also heard in a very proper and well enunciated bit of English was "Don't let Annie Oakley get to her truck!!!" Yeah, a white dude, Big M. You may or may not remember him from bike class... By this time I am starting to think of the most efficient way of murdering off Nutzo because this shit was going too damn far.
:: Hey, my wife and kids were up in there! Sue my ass! BTW I had settled on a hand over mouth and one over nose and a big bear hug. My feet never moved though! You'd be proud! ::

AT THE SAME TIME on the OTHER side of the hall. Apparently Shitake, still carrying Princess, decides to get all up in the shit! So she is heading toward the shit right? She basically runs up on MIL. She sees her and the next thing EVERYBODY sees is MIL's cane get raised HIGH up in the air! No. She wasn't just gonna hit her ass. She was about to bring the smite down up in that piece! Then Annie Oakley shakes the hell up outta her shoes! Meanwhile The Girl was walking up behind Shitake to rescue Princess because it seems she had taken a blow or two in the conflict and Shitake's grip was slippin'. Now somebody later mentioned that Shitake took a swing at The Girl. Fortunately The Girl didn't notice that. Her evil ass WOULD have retaliated. And you know how mothers are with their babies right? And you all have been here long enough to know that The Wife is AKA Miss Whoopabitchorthree. Had either of my kids been hit that damn joint might be a smoking pile of rubble at this point with a community of Jehovah's Witnesses wondering what they had done to deserve having their hall treated so...

:: Before I go on I will have to do a quick tactical analysis. ::
MIL had probably the largest contingent of supporters. She had three grand children, Two daughters, one son-in-law, one son-in-law to be (so I just found out...), three in-laws and one niece from the seemingly forgotten husband's family (tha gangster ones...), about five or eight friends (I lost count), Jackie-L (who is staying between her and Aunt Sweetie's house after the argument), probably The Law's daughters Queen V and CW, their sons, and possibly Aunt Sweetie's hubby and grand kids.
:: Tactical Analysis over... ::

Now after a minute or two of struggle and strife, they manage to get Nutzo, Shitake and Aunt C outside. Remember Aunt C was under the influence of Shitake. Things seemingly break up. Or so I thought. I linger around inside before going outside. I find The Wife and Annie Oakley attempting to restrain MIL from heading to what appears to be ANOTHER fight! They were alternately trying to calm her down and cuss her out because she was still dead set and determined to get her smite on! AND Joan Cleaver, a very right and respected lady (imagine Maya Angelou mixed with June Cleaver) decides to go and "... have a word with this Shitake". Her son had to grab her and hold her in place. Can you see it two ladies, one in her 50's and another in her 70's hobbling down to get the way to smite a person or two? Yeah...

Now by this time, Annie Oakley HAD gotten to her truck. So she was armed. And pissed! And barefoot. She shook outta the shoes when the shit jumped off inside. So she was doing the bulk of the cussing while The Wife did most of the calming. Until she had to act like the mother. She later realized that her and her sister were gonna be in trouble for cussing at their mom when MIL finally calmed down and remembered.

Yes, I did say there was a fight going on. Apparently Shitake and Queen V aired their venom and it turned into fisticuffs. Sisters got involved. It turned into a Tag team match. Shitake and Aunt C on one side and Queen V and CW on the other. Now the teens were all in agreement until they realized that their mothers were going at it. Then they started beefing. So now Aunt C's son was about ready to scrap with Queen V's son. While Shitake's son and CW's son were about to get into it.

ALL that broke up when the Ecorse cops rolled up into the parking lot! And they rolled up fast. I guess they mean mugged folk hard enough for cooler heads to prevail. They circled the parking lot once. They stopped to talk to the guy off duty who was at the service. I guess they were convinced that every thing else was cool and rolled out without getting out of the squad car.

This is where I will end my tale. I think everything took less time to happen than it did for you to read this. And I know I am leaving out many details. But I think you have spent enough time on these folks!

Memorial Madness: The Background

As you all know, funerals tend to make for the best of stories! They are even more story worthy when you got a bit of dysfunction in the family.

This weekend was no exception! My wife refers to her mother's side of the family as "a bunch of educated fools".

The Cast:
Gramma: The Departed.
The Law: Oldest child and one most likely to get the other siblings to behave.
Aunt Sweetie: Second child, one of the nicest folk you wanna meet.
MIL: Fourth child. Mother of my queen.
Aunt C: Reportedly the meekest of the clan.
Nutzo: Baby boy of the clan.
Shitake: from Shit, meaning shit and Ake meaning one who starts. Okay I didn't wanna say shit starter the whole damn post! The baby of the clan...
Annie Oakley: The Wife's sister
Herkales: Annie Oakley's son
And... Aw hell. I will introduce any others as the story goes...

Anyhow. This little story starts when Shitake goes to The Law's house and complains that Gramma can't stay with him and his wife and HER father. So The Law's wife packs Gramma's bag and sends her on her way with Shitake. Of course Shitake was never one to take care of Gramma. As a result Gramma ends up in an apartment in a senior center alone. This was back in June.

Gramma has been known to be a bit hard to live with. Was somewhat paranoid and had a bit of dementia. So she frequently had episodes where she thought folk were pumping poisonous gas into her place. As I said, a bit hard to live with. So Uncle The Law was likely doing his best to make her as safe and comfortable as possible having folk around to see about her and being friendly faces. So Shitake didn't make a difficult situation any better.

About a week and a half ago, Gramma was found in her apartment having passed on a day or two prior. This led to Shitake blaming The Law for killing their mother by kicking her out of his house. It is also believed that Shitake gaffled up the estate by doing the old sneak and sign. Much like she did when their father passed (she got a new car out of that). AND she moved herself back in with her ex-hubby. This prompted an argument between her and her daughter Jackie-L (who was living there already), cause they can't stand each other. Jackie-L moved out and took the baby with her.

Now Shitake is a sly one. She had been talking in the ears of Aunt C. and Nutzo. They got things twisted in their heads. So they were kinda pissed about some things. Things that went even beyond their usual dysfunctionalism. Aunt Sweetie's husband The Electrician told me that they had given Shitake money to pay for obituaries. She thought the money was an old debt from someone who owed Gramma. Then she complained that she didn't know how much printing costs (full color). Then she claimed that she gave the obits to Nutzo who didn't answer or return folks calls. So they had trouble getting the obit to the pastor before the service for familiarity sake. And since Nutzo never brought them, they had to improvise. This led to black and white obits printed on thin paper (2 sided). AND Shitake also was the one who compiled the info. She left out the deceased father of The Wife AND the very much alive wife of The Law. AND The Law's wife or her family were responsible for making the food for the meal after the service.

Okay, I gotta jet. But look for the conclusion in Memorial Madness: The Incident.
I will pre date that post so that when I do it, it will show up under this one so you don't get the story out of order! I will post it tomorrow.

Of course if I remember anything else I will of course edit this post too!

Stupid Is...

I swear these people are sapping my desire to interact with humanity.

I now have a new definition for the thing that I hate most.
My original:
Stupid: being dumb, retarded, idiotic or generally not having synapses fire ON PURPOSE!

The new one:
Stupid: young + dumb

An older one:
Stupid: being dumb as hell for no good damn reason!

I say this because:
I am the keeper of the treasury for mom. I became this person because she has trusted others to do things for her since she became disabled. Those others were not very respectful of her funds. So I was entrusted to guard the funds. So now they have to con her out of them to get at her stuff.

So, both nephews have something in the cooker today. Late last night she asks me to get some dough for gas so the older nephew can run errands for her. I tell her that I will gas him up the next day instead or robbing the ATM at midnight.

The younger nephew yells up my stairs and awakens me for the second time this morn. The first being when my sister rescheduled a visit by a caseworker from tomorrow morn at 10 to today at 9. Of course she didn't mention that to anyone. So the woman spent unnecessary time standing at the door in the hot sun knocking. And neither I nor mom were awake at the time. Hence the need for the "older" definition above.

As I said, the second time was because my younger nephew was trying to awaken me out of a sound sleep where I awoke feeling somewhat less than stellar. So it took me a few. Still recovering in fact. I finally make it down the steps. I make coffee. Somehow the older nephew walks right past me and goes to yell up the stairs. Getting no response, he walks back to the kitchen. He notices me sitting with mom in my usual coffee drinking place. He says "Oh, you already down here" and walks off. So a few minutes later I go check the status of the brew. I notice him sitting in the chair with his usual evil ass face on. I go in the room to mess with him in my usual fruitless pursuit of being nice to folk with problems. I make an off handed joke about how the screen saver he is staring at is "gripping". No response. So the convo went like this after that...
"What is wrong?" (dumb ass me, for giving a damn and asking...)
"I'm late" (his evil ass)
"Late? For what? And why are you sitting in that chair?"
"Well, I am gonna be late. I might as well say I am late already."
"Why?"
"I need to go to the gas station so I can go take Swole (the baby momma) to the doctor"
"Ah" (understanding dawns as he is pissed because he been waiting on me)
"If you are in a hurry why the hell didn't you say anything?"
:: crickets ::
"Well don't you think you should be getting up outta that chair and getting on your way?" said whilst waving the $20 spot I had in his face.
He takes it and still looks evil.
"You ain't that serious about not being late still sitting in that damn chair! And how the hell am I supposed to know you got plans if you don't say shit to me? This could have been done if I had known what was up"
Especially since I was about to get his ass up so I could be back in time for coffee time. But his way fucks up the program and the cheddar gets distributed wrong...
"And Granny needs XYZ, could you cop that while you are out and about?"
"Is this ($20) for that and the gas? I gotta go way over to Greenfield and then to Highland Park!"
"Nehmind, I will get it later myself!"

So folk, if I don't have anything nice to say about these folks, don't wonder why. This ain't the first time I had this conversation with him. Or the one about the unwanted sharing of the entertainment with both of them. Or any conversation that I didn't regret having with my sister.

I may make the news yet!

Conjoined Dreams

What if when you dream, the person you dream about has that same dream with you? I mean think about how cool that could be. You having that really erotic dream with that special person. You dream about how nice it could be. They realize that you were dreaming about how it could be? You could share a special moment without sharing TOO much... I mean I could see how that one would suck for say... Halle Berry, since she would have such dreams about every other damn horny fucker in America. But you must admit that has some very good potential in it!

Or say for instance your boss pissed you off at work. Well in your dreams that sumbitch can be pissed on! No health problems. No pink slip! No worries! And the message is good and delivered!

Baby momma? Dream HER ass the drama and let your subconscious tell how you really feel! Beat down, strangulation, unlimited bitch slappings, take the kids! Shiiiddd! It can happen! In dream world. And no domestic assault charges either!

And if you got nerve enough to be a dead beat ass muthafucka, get some too! You can see what she really mad about son! And get the foot in the ass to prove it. And probably some jail time to boot!

And y'all triflin' den a muhfugga together! Aw snap! It can be on and crackin'! The Battle of the Ages! The brawl for it all! The prize? Little LaQuanda!

You can dream about being rich! Make it rain on ya friends! And they dream about diving on the nasty ass club floor to get it!

World peace? Don't just do it! Dream it!

Low gas prices? Well... keep dreaming...

But y'all know where I am coming from!!!

Wouldn't that shit be cool?

R. Kelly Got Acquitted

See the dramatization below...

News Fuckery!

Obama's baby mama? What the fuck? I...
Nehmind...
Read for yourselves...
This Bullshit!

Murderous

You know I told myself a while back to back off on the really personal shit. For various reasons. But today I am mad as hell and am literally about ready to MurderDeathKill some anonymous muthafucka right now!!!

Apparently some "person" (I'll be nice) called Adult Protective Services and made a complaint that Mom is being abused, taken advantage of, not fed, not cared for, and living in generally filthy conditions. And somehow the dog became an issue too! That really burns my ass near to the point of tears!!! Now my regular readers already know the situation about Mom's TEAM of folk and their various contributions. But DAMN!!! That was a plain affront to my entire existence. Especially since that shit was a bunch of damn lies!

My damn name ain't Hazel but I would hardly call the joint filthy. Her needs are taken care of whenever she needs or asks. I gotta fight with her to get food in her half the damn time. She don't eat enough for my tastes, but it ain't my stomach... Abuse? Bitches please!

The dog came up in this statement: "the grandson and his dog moved in and is taking advantage of her" Where this comment came from is way beyond me. But it sure as hell isn't true. The dog is mine. The dog has been here since before she moved back in. I ain't a grandson. One grandson spends his time with his baby-momma (to be, too late for Father's Day though...), the other is a minor and is the one who cleans the most and helps out with her the most. She knows what is going on with her money, her meds and the general state of things around her. And I make sure she is aware of things, even when she ain't that interested... So that doesn't even have a grain of truth in it.

I could rant on for days but...
I talked to the APS worker earlier. She had an occasion to speak with Mom's nurse and physical therapist. They seem to have debunked the claims that were made to start this whole thing. The APS worker doesn't feel there is a need to come out for a visit. But I could still kill the bitch that gave her a reason to want to. My Mom don't do nothing to nobody. Why try to get her dragged out of her home and thrown into a nursing facility? How does stressing and depressing someone with hypertension issues helpful?

Anyway.
Sorry y'all had to go through this, but I blog to vent. So you asked for it! And I have yet one more reason to want that Sig P250. I may even have a naming party when I get it!

I am done ranting now. Please scroll down to the more lighthearted fare I served up for ya earlier!

A Nigga Moment

Webster defines the Nigga Moment as a moment when ignorance overwhelms the mind of an otherwise logical negro man. Causing him to act in an illogical, self destructive manner. i.e. like a nigga.

- Huey Freeman

Yes friends. You heard me right. Last night I had the misfortune of witnessing a Nigga Moment. What happened you ask? Well, I'll tell you.

Apparently there was a beef. Not cow but some BULL! Okay Bullshit! Somebody please tell me why some 20 year old dude (who we shall call Big Doof) just comes outta the blue and start talking shit to the young folk gathered (not bothering nobody) on my street? I mean they were grouped up being teens and not causing anybody any trouble. But dude comes over to the block and while they are in the middle of their rap/song and says "y'all some bitches!" Now that is just rude most places. In the hood it definitely is a reason to catch a beatdown. Apparently some random worthless chick is the genesis of the whole thing. Apparently he had a gripe with Young Fella (my nephew's cousin) in particular.

:: Begin flashback ::
The shit started earlier with Big Doof calling on Young Fella's phone while Cock Deebo (the nephew) was on it. And he started talking cash shit. None too smart since were we not in the hood Cock Deebo would be the one in the overalls looking all skrong and resisting Becky Ann's amorous advances. You know all corn fed and lifting hay bales and shit. N-E-Waay, Doof is popping shit on the phone. They put his ass on the iggy train and keep it moving.
:: fade to black, end flashback ::

So after dude calls like 7 dudes some bitches they look at him crazy. Then he asks the random worthless chick whose phone number that was that he called earlier. She points out Young Fella. Big Doof now has a target for the stupidity he came over for. Of course this is a no win sitchiation for him. he just walked on to somebody else's block and challenged a 17 year old to a fight over a girl who obviously feels that playing the field is not only a privilege but a right. Y'all know what happened next right?

Yep. About a minute later he is down taking a count. Did I mention that Young Fella is a little skinny dude and he was all swole? Yeah. It didn't look good. But he got tired of getting that ass whoopin' and the fight broke up.

I didn't have time for that shit because it happened between the Red Wings last two goals of the night. I had a Stanley Cup to watch being hoisted. But after the disappointing end to regulation, I went to get the story. I shook my damn head and went back to Hockeytown. Wouldn't you know it, before overtime had even started this shit had started up again. Apparently Doofball came back with his uncle who said "He came back for a rematch". What the fuck? And we wonder why the kids are stupid as hell? So after a couple of minutes of folk unsuccessfully diffusing the situation, round two started. A couple of missed swings by both and the grappled up and started slamming each other on Doof's car. By this time I started thinking of ways to "intervene". So I walked to the back of the crib. And I pondered the .22. Looked at the empty clip. Looked at the charging phone. Thought better of both since them .22s have a way of getting me into trouble and I ain't got no love for the Popo because of it. So I said "fuck it!" Went back up front to see the fight all ended and the cops creeping up onto the scene. So much for me having a Nigga Moment too.

And to top all this off I had to watch (basically) two hockey games just to watch the beloved cup NOT be presented on home ice!!!

I Be Scandalized!!!!!

Breaking News!

Seems that the Mayor of Detroit lied (under oath) about some text messages related to an extra-marital affair.

I was gonna get off into this one but it ain't gonna stop people from being nosy as hell anyway. What is the use? My own personal view is that if his wife accepted his apologies and stayed with him, who the hell am I to have shit to say beyond that.

But apparently it is BIG news here in Detroit. It may even be national. I mean it ain't like he got caught smoking crack in a hotel or anything...

How big is the news you ask? Check this shit out! Look at the NUMEROUS related stories. If you read it today look at the front page!

Funerals and Weddings (Okay Just Funerals)...

The two aforementioned occasions usually generate the most memorable stories. I am sure I mentioned a couple of funerals before. I haven't been to a wedding in forever so you will have to wait on those stories. That said...

My Aunt passed last week. The funeral was this past Saturday. This is a new one for the books!

Things started out normal. Got there with a minimum of muss and fuss and on time. The ceremony was probably the least abnormal one I have been to in a long time. The main glitch in this one being that the organist didn't show. So we got some spirituals acapella. Not too bad with a little audience participation.

Then things got a little weird. They told us to get in our cars and turn on our lights if we were heading to the cemetery. That is the last clear instruction given. Long story short, I ended up driving around like a mouse in a maze just to end up back in the parking spot I started in. Which of course means that I was at the back of the procession. ALL the way at the back. Usually the end car is the biggest damn thing that pulled up in the lot. I think in this one there were several at the front. Then where the line was forming was completely unclear. THEN somebody came after me and took the last position and borrowed one of the two flags on the roof. So things finally get moving, at HIGH speed. By the time I started moving good I realized that I was driving about 10 mph over the speed limit! Most processions I have been in were 10 under. Not this one! I don't know where what was because there was a van two cars in front or me and I don't think that driver knew what the hell to do. We alternated between bat outta hell and stop for three lights at the same spot mode. At one point it actually stopped and those of us at the end of the line were blocking a major street just sitting there. Looking stupid of course. Through no fault of our own, but stupid nonetheless! Finally we get going again and some dude with a death wish and a complete lack of understanding of what my family name is, and means, decides to pull a bonehead! How boneheaded do you ask? He passes several of our cars on our left (same direction) and when he arrives at his turn, what do you think he did? Stop and wait? No! I said bonehead! Slide into the funeral line (illegally) and then turn? No dammit! I said death wish! This fool ass makes a right turn from the left lane BETWEEN the two cars in front of me WHILE WE WERE STILL MOVING AT FULL SPEED (about 40). NEVER have I seen the like!

Of course the fun is not over because we pass a hearse in front of another church. I didn't know if it was ours or another funeral queuing up to leave themselves. Somehow that hearse managed to catch and pass us. I thought it was ours catching back up after having stopped for whatever reason. I guess I was wrong. As we approached the logical turn for the burial site, I watched my father's car (with flag) turn the corner. The two cars behind him turned too. The three cars in front of me kept straight! So did I! So now that line of cars that I had suspected of being separated were definitely separated now! So I turned my blinker on. The next light was a street that led to the cemetery along the north side of the airport that it adjoins. Luckily everybody else turned too! So now there are four or five cars with funeral flags rolling down Outer Drive with no hearse. The van behind me shoots around me and the car that was on the street before we turned. Suddenly we are all doing about 20 or 25 over the speed limit in some kinda morbid street race from The Fast and The Furious or something. Strangely enough we got to the cemetery gates as the FRONT of the funeral procession was waiting to turn left into the cemetery. That was the first time I EVER got there before the departed did! But there were already family members parked and waiting when we got there! So a group got there before we did. We arrived just before the hearse. The hearse with most of the rest of the group. Yeah, I know you just MOST of the rest? The fourth group, which included my father (remember?), ended up at ANOTHER cemetery because they got mixed in with the funeral line from the other church!

And don't even get me started on how some of these folk dressed!!!!

My Eyes!!! What The Fugg?

Anybody who knows me in blogland also know that I will put a sista on blast quick as hell for claiming that most/all black men are gay or downlow. And I done had to blast some of my favorites too. Because such an attitude offends me since I am black, male and don't want anything to do with anybody else's dick!

That said...

What the damnfukkinhail is wrong with these dudes born roughly after I graduated from high school? That is 1985, or the stone age, for those uninitiated... I am riding in the car with the wife on yestereve. I see a group of young cats strolling their dumb asses in front of us. On the sidewalk, in the street, on folks grass. Completely ignoring the fact that even a little import car will make roadkill out of all but the biggest of nukkas. Eh-knee-way! I notice the stupidest of them all in the group. Or should I say the gayest? This tired rudy-poo ass muhfugga had the unmitigated gall to be walking down the damn street using his damn HAND for a belt! And not a good one at that! This sorry sumbitch had on some blue silky draws! I know this because his ENTIRE ass was OVER his pants. What I mean by ENTIRE ass is the same thing that Della Reese meant in Harlem Nights. The whole gotdayum thing! AND he had the nerve to have his wifebeater bunched up on TOP of his damn ass! WHAT. THA. FUCK. !?!?!?!?!?

I wonder if he or any of these other damn fools know how fruity that shit looks? I would expect that shit from say my dear departed Uncle (Aunt) Lynn (the most flamboyant muhfugga I EVA met). But from these little wanna be hoodlums who talk more shit than a cow farm and think they are harder than a safe door? Come on! Who the hell didn't give them the memo? Back when I was their age it was embarrassing for anyone to even know what color your draws were! You got mad if they even guessed "white" (95% chance) and got that shit right! Where is the self-respect?

I am pisstt. Now I am gonna have daymares about exposed Smurf ass and shit! To steal from one of my blog family. Hey dumb Smurf ass boy, go kill yaself!

Freedom Of Speech??

I was recently directed (blindly) to a site dedicated to downing ethnic folk. More important it was a... how can I say this delicately? A Nigger Hating site!

The only thing I gotta say about it is this: There are some dumb fucking white people in this world who have been scraped off the bottom of a shit stomper's shoe.

Embarrassing in Private

Sometimes we do things in private that we would be horribly embarrassed to do in front of others. Makes you wonder why we feel that way. For that matter, it makes you wonder why you DO such things in the first place. Is that inner child trying to escape? The inner crazy person escaping to the surface? I am not really sure which, but the inspiration for this post goes a little something like this...

TSSE is just sitting here blogging. A moment of wandering mind turns into a moment of wandering eye. That eye spy a fly. And a few buddies. So TSSE gets up and locates a discarded foam plate. Tsse starts dancing on the balls of his feet. TSSE goes all Andre Agassi (because he swung with attitude too) up in here on they asses. Whap! Boom! Pow! Right out the freakin' door they asses go! Suddenly a beat drops in the background. TSSE is tempted, even obligated to bust a lyric now! Like to hear it? Here it go:
This is the life of a
The life of a
FLY HITTA
FLY HITTA
FLY HITTA
Yyyyeeeeeeaaaaaaahhhhh!!!!!!!

How do you embarrass yourself in private?

What the Hell?

Why, Why, WHY did some asshole light up (not once, but twice) a damn cigarette in the damn EMERGENCY ROOM??!?!?!?!!?! This of course led me to ask the nurse about their new policy of using cigarettes as therapy. What a muhfugga gotta do to get away from other peoples damn cancer sticks, check into the damn hospital? Oh... wait... that don't work either. I digressed.... Man if I wanted to work on my pack-a-day by proxy habit, I would have stayed home and called in to find out which pill I shoulda jacked from mom!

Da Hail?

Dumb Relatives

Okay. This one astounds even me.

Being black means that not everything works exactly right. In less politically correct times we called the fix a niggarig! You know, butter knife, vice grips and duct tape were the "tool box" and it was located in a kitchen drawer.

So I have this stove right? Three eyes self light. One don't. the one that don't of course is in the front. Typical black stove right? I put my good barbecue lighter out to compensate for the lack of spark. (yes I said barbecue lighter, can't keep matches!). Many, many, MANY times I have had to yell to the world at large "Don't leave my damn lighter on the stove!" To sensible people this only makes sense. But I am sure you read the title to this post, so...

I leave the house for a while. I come home. I find lighter in kitchen. BLOWN THE HELL UP!!!!! W! T! F!?!?!?!?! Who the hell sticks a grenade in a fire? If you don't know the answer to this one, read the title...

SMDH