Woodward Dream Cruisin'

I spent the weekend out with my family. The wife is in the automotive industry. So she managed to get us some really sweet VIPage this weekend. We went to the Woodward Dream Cruise as guests of the Eaton Corporation. Which meant we got freebies! T-shirt, Official 1/64 scale Dream Cruise Shelby Mustang replica, and FOOD!!! Not to mention that Eaton's guest compound was right in cruiser central at 13 mile and Woodward!

Got up early and headed to the shuttle. The wife remarked that we wasted more gas goint to the shuttle than to the actual event. But hey, somebody else was driving and the shuttle parking was free! We got to drool over dozens of well maintained cars in the park. Us parents watched with great amusement as the children almost fell in the ground with the pain of being born way too late as we went down the list of rides our parents had. The Girl Child nearly fell over when I walked her by a '71 GTO that was a lot like the one my mom had back in the day. And then she nearly twisted up in a convulsion when the next car was much like the '73 Mach 1 my dad had. And of course we did the necessary exaggerations about cars arriving for minutes when passing the late '60's and early '70's LTDs that our fathers owned. Yeah. They were born way too late! Did I mention the Monte Carlos?

The sound of a NASCAR engine revving high was like a siren call to the dozens of car heads strolling through the park in the late morning. One of the big motor oil makers had a dyno display set up with a Nextel Cup car running on it. 750 horsepower is a beautiful sound I tell ya!

On to eat! Hot dogs, hamburgers, Italian sausages (foot long), grilled chicken, three different mayo salads, garden salad, chips (potato and tortilla) and I tried to eat them all! And they had water and pop (no, not soda dammit) galore! So many that my Ghetto Girl Child decided that she was thirsty and decided to collect one of each (8 kinds...) prompting us to say "That's G" all day. "G" meaning ghetto as hell! Did I mention they had desert? Fruit (melons, grapes and such) Pastries (cake, cookies, brownies) and ICE CREAM!!! They had Dove bars up in there! And Good Humor!!! I think I gained five pounds and three shades eating outside.

After we finished putting the feed bag on, we waddled toward the real action. Slobbered over a few more rides and hit the main drag. I think that cars from pretty much every decade were well represented on Woodward that day. Rumble seats, racing slicks, neon paint, land yacts from earlier days, an old Checker cab, VW busses (hippie vintage), a car with a circuit board surface, a protester with a sign asking if we have been saved, Smart cars and even an Urkel Mobile (BMW Isetta)! And MANY many many many Mustangs, Camaros, Chevelles, Firebirds, Chargers, Challengers and Corvettes of MANY years!

A good time was had by all. So we caught an early (5:00 p.m.) shuttle back to the car to beat the rush. Strangely enough we left around the same time they stopped passing out food. Imagine that! But I managed to be fat and full and with 2/3 of my summer coloring by the time we got back in. I had to say it was a good day!

I Love You!!!

Said as only my favorite two dudes can!

Kidz Izz Funnee!

Okay, this one is good.

The kids decided to have a three way Geekfest. So Saturday was a day out for me. Because The Wife is HORRIBLE at driving to unfamiliar places and is stubborn to the point of not learning places just because she don't wanna go there, ever. Like on the East Side. So of course since she was driving, she comes to grab her favorite GPS device. Me! And off we go. Had a little lunch while waiting on the third child in the outing to meet up, my big little cousin The Geekmaster. He rode the bus to the spot. And we located him right around the time we finished eating. Turns out he arrived early and stared the Geekfest without the other two. He was already reading and belatedly noticed a text that was asking his whereabouts.

The Boy, The Girl and The Geekmaster went to Barnes and Noble and hung out in the Anime section until they got booted out at closing time. Then they strolled over to the library for the same until that closed. Then they came to the crib and gathered around the computer and watched various episodes of different animated series. The Geekfest went on until about an hour or two after midnight.

During the drive across town they talked about all geeky things anime, hentai and manga and whatever else Japanese and cartoony. Then the discussion turned to The Boondocks. We were all fans and had a rolling quote fest. When suddenly, I spied with a disbelieving eye, THIS place...

go ahead and click the link, I will wait...

Okay, so the conversation went like this...
TSSE: Oh hail naw!!!
The Wife: What?
TSSE: The Male Box?
The Wife: Where
TSSE: Ova There --->

The adults start giggling uncontrollably at the sheer blatancy of it all.

The Wife: I wonder if Charles Pugh is in there...
The Girl: OH! starts laffin'

At this point the two boys are completely bewildered.

The Boy and The Geekmaster: WHAT?
TSSE: The M-A-L-E Box?
The Wife: You know with the male symbol on the sign?
The Girl: Uh hello! Charles Pugh?
Now the car falls into quiet giggles from three of us. You can positively hear and smell the synapses burning, three seconds pass, when suddenly:
The Boy and The Geekmaster: OOOOOOOhhhhhh!!!! Uhhhggghhhh!!!!
The Boy: That's a gay bar?
TSSE: The M-A-L-E Box? Where would you put your money on that bet?

Now the whole car is DYING LAFFING!
TSSE: Dang! Y'all slow!
The Girl: Could you see their faces if they just strolled up in there as dumb as they are now? (sisters are so mean!)
The Wife: (between guffaws) Y'all stop it, I can't drive like this!
The Boy: Uh, No thanks!
The Geekmaster: I was like, did they just say? Charles Pugh... Is that a?

Needless to say, their thickness provided us with many more minutes of fun at their expense. Especially from The Girl!

For those not in the know read about Charles Pugh. Yeah he graduated from the same ghetto ass high school as I did! I am proud of him! Even if he put somebody else's interview on TV that night that my back made the evening news!

The Dog And Chip Show

A silly moment with the dog. I caught him at the end of a frustrating and fruitless attempt to get a potato chip that HE LET bounce out of range. Note the snort of frustration about four seconds in...

Seems he caught me filming it and composed himself. Either that or he was begging me to come and help him and the chip find each other!

Conjoined Dreams

What if when you dream, the person you dream about has that same dream with you? I mean think about how cool that could be. You having that really erotic dream with that special person. You dream about how nice it could be. They realize that you were dreaming about how it could be? You could share a special moment without sharing TOO much... I mean I could see how that one would suck for say... Halle Berry, since she would have such dreams about every other damn horny fucker in America. But you must admit that has some very good potential in it!

Or say for instance your boss pissed you off at work. Well in your dreams that sumbitch can be pissed on! No health problems. No pink slip! No worries! And the message is good and delivered!

Baby momma? Dream HER ass the drama and let your subconscious tell how you really feel! Beat down, strangulation, unlimited bitch slappings, take the kids! Shiiiddd! It can happen! In dream world. And no domestic assault charges either!

And if you got nerve enough to be a dead beat ass muthafucka, get some too! You can see what she really mad about son! And get the foot in the ass to prove it. And probably some jail time to boot!

And y'all triflin' den a muhfugga together! Aw snap! It can be on and crackin'! The Battle of the Ages! The brawl for it all! The prize? Little LaQuanda!

You can dream about being rich! Make it rain on ya friends! And they dream about diving on the nasty ass club floor to get it!

World peace? Don't just do it! Dream it!

Low gas prices? Well... keep dreaming...

But y'all know where I am coming from!!!

Wouldn't that shit be cool?

Things To Amaze

As I was thinking about plinking (rhymed) in the last post, I began to think about other things that amaze folk. Here are a few of my favorite things to do that astound and amaze my friends!

Plinking:
I have a bb gun that I have had since I was eight. I can hit most targets that it can reach usually on the first shot. As you all can see I gotz me four eyes. So quite naturally folk think I can't even see the damn targets much less hit them! Once they get their mouths open in amazement, I usually show off by hitting a fence post from about 60 - 100 yards. So I am warning you all now. If you are feeling a little beside yaself and wanna act out, don't come on Tha Hill! Cause I can reach out and touch that ass!

Jeopardy:
Being the genius that I am I have amassed a decent sized bank if trivial knowledge. Reading, watching TV, listening to radio and such things get absorbed and somehow stored. So if you are watching Jeopardy and I am in the room and you are competitive, DO NOT yell out any answers unless you want me to play too. And of course if you don't mind losing. Maybe one day I will try my luck. But I will have to give up worrying about embarrassing myself on national TV before that can happen. Just my luck they will be categories I know nothing about.

The Dictionary Game:
This is my favorite. I used to spend hours browsing through the dictionary. For me looking up a word usually took about a half-hour because I would look up that word, read several others on the page, link to other words. Pretty much my way of surfing before the World Wide Web. So every once in a while I hand folk the dictionary and challenge them to find a word I cannot define. The rules being that a "definition" is valid if I can tell you what the word means more or less. Not the "exact" dictionary definition. To date I think my success rate is around 90%.

The Movie Game:
This is the one where I ask for the two top billed stars in the movie and I give you the title. I am about 70% successful with this one. It would probably be higher but there are a large amount of movies that are out there that I just don't care about. This game mostly applies to the movies that have been made since I have been alive. So if you can't remember the name of a movie and I ask you who starred in it, you got a good chance of getting an answer.

What things do you do that astound and amaze your friends?

...On A New Biker's Ass!

::: Book warning ahead! Beware! :::

Yes that is right people! I am now officially skilled enough to go and get my cycle endorsement!!!! Man that was one trying experience! I never thought something would be so stressful and so much fun at the same time! BUT I made it!

Yesterday's blow by blow. I took it easy most of the day. The weather decided to make everyone sick to their stomachs. There were thunderstorms like we haven't seen in a year or two. Got so dark I had to turn lights on at 2 p.m. to see indoors. And it rained. And my wife called me in full stress mode.
Her: "If it is raining like this later they can just give me an "F" and hand me my waiver for the next class. I'm not riding in THAT!"
Me: "Woman CALM DOWN! We don't ride for three hours! This type of rain don't ever last for long! Besides we can ride REALLY slow in necessary!"
Her: "No Way! I ain't doing it!"
Me: "Three hours. You studied yet?"
Her: "Not really"
Me: "No matter. It will take about 15 minutes. And you know this stuff already anyway. Just relax. Besides if we screw it up, we get six more hours or riding time on somebody else's bike for free"
Her: "Yeah... I guess you are right"

Of course she called again when it stopped and started back up. And she called me to let me know there was a practice test online. Of course I was getting ready to leave at the time. But I did it anyway, breezed through the 48 questions in five minutes. I bounced!

Come test time, not only had the rain stopped but most of the course was dry by the time we arrived. We all felt good about that! The wife had trouble finding a good bike and ended up on the one she started the class riding. Her archenemy! I selected a model with a front brake so tight that I could have stopped a semi truck with it. Needless to say the test was gonna be "fun".

First test: The cone weave and U-turn. Not the good wide spaced one where you have some speed and is actually fun. But the close spaces one where you gotta go slow as hell. I ran over cone 4. Three point deduction. U-turn started good. Ground seemed to get close. Accelerate. Break. LINE! Whew! Dammit!!! Well I stayed in the box on the U-turn anyway.

Second test: Stop in a box. This test was really no problem for me. At least not for my skills. My bike however had a different idea on the matter. Remember the brake on this thing could stop a semi. So stopping the five or six hundred odd pounds of me and bike posed almost no problem. So I get the bike going. Estimate the proper distance to begin my stop. I apply the brakes. The front of the bike dived down like a mole digging a hole. So I let off and applied it again. Same thing. On the third application I got both brakes in on the act and stopped the damn bike dead in the middle of the box. Whew! But my stop must have looked like I was "hittin' switches" on the bike because I was starting to think the damn thing had hydraulics!

Third test: Shifting. Basically. Start. Shift to second. Shift back to first before cones. Make a tight 90 degree turn. My version as Start. Shift to second. Shift to second again. Shift to first RIGHT AWAY. Make a SWEET left turn!

Fourth test: Curve. Basically a left curve at a decent speed in a five foot wide lane. I started to go. My bike cut off. My instructor yelled "start it in first! You are in second gear." How embarrassing! I guess I didn't shift back to first from the last drill! Fortunately they didn't notice that part! Anyway, now I am pissed. I started half way through the approach area. With my "fuck it" attitude fully in place, I gunned the throttle and leaned too much. Just barely stayed in the lane. I touched the inside line just a bit. Not enough to lose points though...

By this time I am pissed.

Fifth test: Hard breaking in a straight line. This one was not problem for me. I got used to the hyper front brake and would take advantage of it's overzealous desire to do it's job. Start. Get to a decent speed. Wait for hand signal. Stop! In even less time than I imagined it would! I didn't hate the bike on that one!

Sixth test: Normal breaking in a curve. This test was the same as above but there was a curve involved and a five foot lane. So. Start. Get to a decent speed. Lean into the curve. Hand signal. Brake! Managed to keep the bike in the lane, as the exercise required. My foot however had a different idea. But my foot didn't have to stay in the lines.

After we all parked and got off of the bikes we discussed who had the most fuck-ups on the course. You never saw such a crunchy group of folks where it didn't involve bad restaurant service. Then the instructors passed out the scoring sheets! One dude who I just knew did better than me exclaimed "One point! I just made it!". That got me scared since the dude WITH prior experience JUST slid by. I got mine and looked at the paper (upside down) and saw a score. I said to myself "Okay, that was one drill worth of deductions, where is the final score?" Turns out that WAS the score! I got a damn 4 y'all!!!! The scoring was from lowest to highest. 12 being the highest score you could get without failing. Three points for the cone and one for starting off in the wrong damn gear. I ain't sure but I think I got the best score in the group! The wife who just KNEW she made more errors than everyone else got a 9! And she didn't even wanna ride until we got on the bikes the first day!

It was enough to make a muhfugga with no rhythm dance a damn jig! And I did! Twice! Just as we started to leave the course for the written test and the classroom, the rain started to come down. We got lucky! The second group lost three members because they dropped their bikes on the test. That is automatic failure. Not really fair but they said we ride rain or shine. I feel for them, but they get six more hours to practice on somebody else's bike for free.

The knowledge (written) test was no big thing. Fifty questions. Multiple guess in stupid-kinda-correct format. So basically it was a common sense test that most people could pass without having read the book too hard. I got 50 outta 50 in spite of the distraction. The wife 49 outta 50. She had a momentary brain fart and for some reason picked the kinda answer. The distraction you ask? The table kept squeaking while we were coloring in our answers. So it sounded like me and the wife were hittin' it in the back of the classroom. It took everything in me to keep from busting out in laughter in the (mostly) quiet room!

Hmmm... My cousin just got on with/started a chapter of the Rough Riders in the area. Hmmmmmmm....

Now to acquire a bike!!!

Sometimes The Sun Shines...

Yesterday was the first test to determine whether I should really consider my bike obsession. The first of the two riding tests were yesterday. On a blazing hot 92 degree day. I was a little unsure of how I would do because I was getting most frustrated on some of the exercises the last two days. My wife and sis-in-law were feeling much the same way. Our three attitudes were different yesterday. Me: I am gonna pass this damn class dammit!!!! Wifey: I am proud I got it going and didn't drop the thing! SIL: I ain't never been this frustrated with ANYTHING ever! Of course I was feeling much like she did but I didn't want to hear myself SAY such things. Didn't want to talk myself into failure. I had been telling them both, and me too, not to worry because sometimes it clicks late and you may have a good day come test time.

Sooooo... An hour of practice on new and old stuff. Then BAM! They spring the test on us. U-turn-in-a-box. Actually TWO U-turns in a box. Only did this right in practice once! Test time I strayed across the line on the second turn a WEEEEE little bit. Second Part. Obstacle avoidance. Didn't have any trouble with this one after the instructor told me to slow down! Test time, nailed it! Third part, Hard braking. Had been stopping too long in practice. Test time, you would think I hit a wall as fast as that damn thing stopped. Fourth part. Cornering. This required a shift, 90 degree turn, acceleration, breaking and a 135 degree turn. A lot of stuff went into this one. This had me frustrated during practice about as much as them damn U-turns! I almost thought they were gonna throw me outta class during drills for this one. Test time, was the ONLY time I did the breaking portion correctly. Almost fucked the turn up thinking. So I told myself "Fuck it! Ride the damn bike already!!!!"

The test was scored from zero to a bunch. Zero was a perfect score, 15 being the highest passing score. My score, a three. Damn U-turn!!! One violation on the whole course! I almost think I can ride now! The wife passed on one violation too, although costlier. The SIL let frustration get the best of her. I know she got the skills. Missed passing by three. But hey, she can take that part of the class over for free. Six more hours of range time and retest and she is good. Not a bad deal!

Today the OTHER riding test and the written test. Wish me luck y'all!

side note: Glad I didn't take the Harley-Davidson class. They use the EXACT same instruction book and charge $300 more! I would have been one MAD brotha!

HOT Fun In The Summertime!!!

Oops. I forgot to mention something! Okay. I didn't forget, I just ain't posted since Sunday. But I am in Motorcycle Class!!!! Been in two sessions so far. The first day was classroom time. We went over basic terminology, parts, controls, the questions in the book and watched several videos. It was a loooooonnnngggg four hours. Glad that part is over. The second session was two hours of range time! It was a little daunting at first. But after about an hour of actually being in contact with the bike, I was flying the hell across the parking lot acting like I knew what I was doing. But anybody can look good in first gear! The experience was most like riding a two wheeled go-kart. Fast enough to be fun, but not too fast for safety. I just hope I don't mess up tomorrow.

There were a few things that did suck though. One is that everything below the neck had to be covered. Now I break out in a sweat just thinking about hot. So wearing boots (steel toe), socks, jeans, long sleeved tee, a do-rag, gloves and a helmet on a summer day in Detroit is NOT the most fun thing to do. Unless the bike is moving...
The second sucky thing was the bikes. Of course they are donated and surplus SOOOOO naturally they are not the most well maintained things around. My throttle was a bit eager from the weak spring and the damn gearshift stuck sometimes. Neutral REALLY pissed me off since I had to apply extra pressure on the sticky gearshift. Neutral is the soft half click between first and second gear. So a sticky gearshift made neutral nearly impossible to achieve without some luck.
The third is that one of my group mates had to leave class. She got too overwhelmed and they told her that skydiving may be a safer hobby for her to try. Sux too, cuz was kinda excited about the prospect of a little two wheeling. But she can always retake the class. Hell I would just because the money invested in equipment is worth spending another $25.

I am hooked! I got the bug! I always wanted to ride anyway. It is even more fun since my wife decided to take the class with me. It was a wonderful anniversary gift. Pass or fail, this is gonna be a wonderful and unforgettable experience. Unless one of us falls... Tomorrow, more range time! Friday anniversary sex! I am so excited that I am gonna go and hit the bike sites and maybe the lingerie sites after! Holla!