A Profile Ain't Just A Side View

Oh yeah. Funny incident of the month. Me, my son and a cousin were riding bikes to the store to grab some groceries. On the way back we got profiled. It was kinda slick how the cops did it too. I mean these two ain't the best riding partners since I frequently had to look for them to see where they were. And as usual with the black male of 17 years vintage, they had great difficulty with taking things seriously. Now I am riding at a slow but steady pace. These two fools are every damn where but with me. On the sidewalk, then across the street to the other sidewalk, bumping each other, half a block back, a whole block back. Generally acting asses. I mentioned that particular thing to them when we got to the store.

On the way back, the started the same bullshit again. I pretended not to notice that they were doing it and had decided to quit wasting time waiting for them since they were obviously in play mode. I had seen the cop in his patrol car but pretty much ignored the fact that he was there. Except when I made my own rapid crossover from the wrong side of the street to the right one. I promptly forgot about him when I ran through the hole in the street. I was distracted by the musical tones coming out of my spokes, never heard that before.

I turn the corner and get my stroke on so I could get home and eat. Next thing I know a squad car rides up next to me slowly. My first thought was to be annoyed, I am sure it showed on my face. I wondered what the hell I did wrong. Then he said "Excuse me, are those guys on the bikes bothering you?" I think my face also betrayed the shock I felt. My response, "Bothering me?" I looked back to make sure who he was talking about. "No, they are not bothering me. They are SUPPOSED to be riding up here WITH ME!" I guess he was a little satisfied with that since he said "Okay, I was just checking." Not to be rude, I said, "Thank you officer! You have a good one!"

At this point I am DYING inside with laughter! They caught up after he pulled off. "What did he want?" Trying my best to (unsuccessfully) contain my bemusement I told them, "Um... he just wanted to know if you two were harassing me..." The looks on their faces were priceless! I almost fell off my bike laughing. "Now do you think the two of you could keep up before we all get arrested up out in here for riding while tanned?" So we hit the next two turns and hit the home stretch. I look around and see two bikes riding away from me. One in the park to the left, the other into the park to the right. You'd think they would have learned. So I turn my had toward home and focus on timing the traffic light so I don't have to stop. I notice that the cop who rode up to me was just turning that corner up ahead. Then I hear ANOTHER cop car! This one toggles the siren switch. You know the way they do to make that noise to get your attention. My head quickly turns with a REALLY annoyed look on my face. He keeps going by. I get to the light and lil' cuz catches up. He is mumbling something hateful and violent about cops. I tell him to cool his jets, it ain't worth the blood pressure spike. He then tells me that the second cop with the siren had slowed down to give him the "I'm watching you" signal. This kinda pissed me off a touch and made me laugh a little. My reply to him was, "Shit, don't worry yourself over it, neither of those cops was Black OR Jewish, they are the ones who look out of place around here! Now do you think you could keep up now?"

Got home and relayed the story to the ladies and we had a pretty good laugh about it. Especially after I thought about it and mentioned that the way they were riding, they did look like they were out there fucking with people. I couldn't resist adding a moral to that story...

SMDH!

I don't know about y'all. But I am convinced that this dude is straight crazy! And definitely disrespectful!!!

Um... Okay.

I must have awaken today in Bizarro world. Why you ask?



I daresay Rhianna betta watch her back! When aged where are they now celebs with huge racks and accents as thick as molasses start performing her stuff onstage, she might be in trouble.

Shit, I gotta start watching the damn Jerry Lewis Telethon again! That was strangely entertaining!

Who knew Charo wanted to be a pop star?

Bennie Kick!

I dedicate this post Haremite Nikki who demanded I write this. I hope she is enjoying her journey up above!

This little gem comes from the frozen days of the house search.

Okay, so there was this dude who was helping us with our house search around the end of last year. We will call him Bennie.

For those who may be unfamiliar with the whole story, I will give the short version.

• Wife injures leg.
• I move to her mom's place to take care of her.
• Around Thanksgiving she mentions that she is not renewing her lease, which ends at the end of the year.
• So we scramble to look for housing with about a month to get things done.
• I was unemployed and The Wife worked for an auto parts supplier, right around the time of the bailouts...
• Did I mention that the car had no heat?

Okay, now you are caught up.

So this dude Bennie was one of the people who was contacted about a property or two. He was really eager to help us find a place since commissions around Christmas are a good thing. Not that we had very much spirit since there was a distinct lack of funding and a great deal of stress. We had very specific needs since the locale we were looking in would keep the kids in the school there were currently enrolled.

On the day in question, Bennie had a place or two to show. We made a meet time around 6:30. On this particular day, Mother Nature and Old Man Winter had a confab and decided that it would be great fun to make for a White Christmas. The bastards! They succeeded. By the time it had stopped snowing, about 6 p.m., there were at least a good 6-8 inches accumulated on the ground. That sucked big ass big time!

So on we went to find the place. We were freeing our asses off because of the no heat. And we were slip sliding in a cross country skier's paradise. We found the street in question. We turned. We got stuck! We rocked it back and forth and got unstuck. We proceeded down the street and well, got stuck again. This time I had to get out and push to get unstuck. Lemme tell you standing in a foot of snow in ankle high boots is no fun! So we managed to get it moving again. Wifey, who was driving now, almost stopped! So I humped it through the show and managed to jump in the, still, slowly moving car. We find the place. Did I mention that there was a foot and a half of snow and really nowhere to park on the street? We quickly have a discussion about street versus guessing where the driveway was. We picked the driveway. So a hot bit of acceleration and a little sideways driving and boom! Yep, stuck halfway in the driveway in two feet of snow! Yep. I know, you saw that coming... We decide to take our chances with the street parking. So we somehow manage to get the car halfway out of the driveway and into the middle of the street. By this time the city road crew was coming through. And we were blocking them. From what do you ask? Plowing the street of course. Where were these mothafuckas at 15 minutes earlier BEFORE I was sweating in 18 degree cold. Anyhow they managed to shovel and push us out of our stuckness. Partly because we were in their way. So we got unstuck from the two and a half feet of snow and down the blizzard dumped street. Of course going the way they came would have worked better since that had been plowed already, but they were blocking and shyt!

That ordeal over we managed to get back to the service drive. We went around the block and found that they had been there already. It was like night and day. We felt like we were driving in a trench with a clear bottom. So nice it was. So we made our way back to the house for the meet up with Bennie. We chose the freshly plowed street parking this time. Now by this time Bennie was a bit behind schedule. But he finally made it. He pulls up in this big ass 4wd Magnum V8 pickup truck and flies up into the driveway. He jumps out into the three feet of snow and grabs his shovel. Now he got no gloves, no hat and we are looking at him like he was some kinda alien at this point. He does a halfway decent job of moving enough snow so that Wifey wouldn't have to put her bad foot in the snow too much. She was wearing a boot and sock so there was nothing to keep her foot dry should she step too deep.

Now I must stop to paint the picture in a little more detail. We were in a community north of 8 Mile. Detroiters understand what that means. To all others, let's just say that folk there tend to not have an afrocentric point of view if you get my meaning. But again, north of 8 Mile. And it is near 7 p.m. around Christmas. So it is dark den a muhfugga out already. And there is a group of people near a house. One obviously black. One looking quite Mediterranean/Middle Eastern. The third looking either White, Black, Hispanic or Middle Eastern depending on who you ask and what the hair game looks like at the time. Needless to say, we might have looked a little suspicious in that jewish and black neighborhood.

So he finally gets enough snow moved for us to get to the porch. We are freezing our asses off because we had to drive there with no heat, and waited a extra half hour for him while getting unstuck and standing in the snow. He starts punching the combo to the lock box on the door. He finds no success. He tries it again. No luck. Third time, no charm. So he says "That's strange. Maybe she gave me the wrong combination at the office." We agree that it is a plausible explanation for the troubles and joke about it. He calls the office. The lady on the phone gives him the same combination that he has been trying. He tries it again since she tells him that there is no other combination listed for that property. I bet you know what happened right?

So now there is a mystery afoot! He decides to check the side door for another lock box. Me and Wifey are standing on the porch waiting. He comes back to his truck and is on the phone by now. He is speaking very animatedly in Not English. We look at each other. My Spock eye brow goes up. He goes back to the side door saying that he is gonna see what's up. A minute later we hear hard bangs on the door. Repeatedly. So hard in fact that the picture window starts pulsating like a 15 inch subwoofer. We start looking at each other a little more meaningfully. Then start looking out for the polices!

Finally Bennie sounds successful in having achieved entry into the place. We look at the door waiting for him to open it. Right then Wifey says "I ain't going in there if he opens that door!" I look at her like we didn't just go through a frozen ordeal to get a look at the inside of the place. I guess she reads my expression which I am positive says "Oh we going our frozen asses in there!" She then says "I'm 'bout black as night, people aren't always sure what you are AND "some" folk might think the guy we are with is the cousin of an al-Qaeda". I pause... "And do I need to point out that we are in Oak Park?" At that I go straight up Jar-Jar Binks on her ass and say "Um... Yousea point is well said!" We have a giggle over that and a moment later Bennie comes around the corner a touch pissed. He tells us that there is furniture all up in the joint and it looks like somebody left a meal on the stove. Recently...

Wifey and I share a look of stark horror at that announcement. We start moving toward the car. Judging by the amount of snow that was on the sidewalk and driveway, either the person was likely on their way home from work, or they were in the house and was hiding when he started kicking the door in. Needless to say, we got the fuck up outta there with the quickness! You wouldn't have known that lady was walking with an open toed foot through four feet of snow.

But we did find out why he was so pissed. Apparently either the house owner listed it with someone else or rented it out himself and Bennie's company out. Which was a breach or their contract. And he definitely wasn't gonna earn no commission on that joint.

That was some crazy shit right there! We still laugh about that. I do wonder what happened with that house and such. And I wonder what he is up to. Sucked for him that somebody else managed to find us the place we are in now.

But we will always remember Bennie Kick (your door in)!

Nasty Muthafucka!!!

I meant to do this one sooner but well... I been procrastinating. Okay, I actually been studying (see Ladylee!).

I was at my Anthropology class. It had just ended and I was on my way home. My wife called me just as I entered the men's room. So I kinda drifted to the business section. I hung back since it was a two handed job and I didn't wanna crowd the two guys there. My wife tends to stay on the phone so the other guys finished up and left. I was all alone. So I drifted over to the urinals. I picked out the one that was going to service my needs.

Sidebar: Urinal etiquette
I have to take this little sidebar to explain the unspoken mantiquette about taking a piss in a public restroom. First a picture...


This is essentially the same setup as the restroom in question. Mantiquette says that if they are all empty, pick one on the edge. Because if someone comes in while you are in mid stream, you don't want him to have to do his thing next to you. In other words leave an empty one between if possible. Usually if the ones on the end are filled, either wait until one frees up, or if you are really pressed, use the middle one. That is how it usually goes.

Returning to the story. At this point I have selected the on on the far end next to the wall. I flushed it to make sure the water was as clean as possible before I did my thing. Don't want no backsplash from other people's wastewater. I don't have the longest arms in the world so I wasn't standing too far away. As I am finishing up my call, I notice this guy walk up into the joint. Now I just knew this dude saw me and had already decided to either use a toilet or the urinal to the right of the picture, as dictated by mantiquette. Imagine my horror when he walked past the first urinal he arrived at (on the right). He stopped to inspect the middle urinal. Now mind you I am within arms reach of the one on the left. This was a breach or mantiquette!

Well... The show didn't stop there. No, no, nonono! This nasty, troll looking, dirty ass, low born, unhometrained, ratty ass muthafucka took it to another level!!! Cause dude took a sidestep to the left!!!! I know y'all already had the picture formed of what things looked like BEFORE he rolled up. So you can imagine what it looked like NOW!!! Y'all remember the Chilisauce move The Time did in during Jungle Love in Purple Rain? @ 2:36 in the video below (I won't take the clip out of the video so you can enjoy the whole thing...)

Morris Day - New Music - More Music Videos

That's right this sumbitch Cha Cha slid his ass over in front of me! I was close enough to give that muthafucka a damn reacharound!!!

I was so shocked and outdone that I couldn't even hang up the damn phone! I just walked out of the spot and told my wife about his nasty ass! I waited until I got home after that.

I still can't believe that shit!!!

That Damn Bush Family!!!

Geronimo’s Heirs Sue Secret Yale Society Over His Skull See! Them damn Bush men have been at it for years!!!

A Dyssturbed Dream, Pt. 2

To recap:
A bicycle helmet, tighty whities and a dog.
It's all I got. I don't know why.
Okay and a raging boner because of the hooker.

Now you are up to speed.

So on we go.
I think the dog is a little amused at my "condition"
I guess it was that look that dogs give you where they look at stuff while leaning their heads to one side.
I bet he would have jokes if he could talk.
Glad his ass can't talk.
The next four blocks go by without incident.
If you could consider walking around in ya draws after three in the morning outdoors "without incident"
I figured it was after three in the morning because the hardcore hookers don't look that good.
So the strip clubs have to be closed and the dancer/hookers need a few minutes to get on station.
I was reflecting on how glad I was that the dog knew where we were going.
Right then I heard some guffawing off to the side.
You know the kind that comes out of SERIOUSLY immature males over 18.
I didn't remember what kinda night I was having, but I knew it wasn't good enough to deal with that shit.
So I kept walking.
Of course SOME folk can't leave well enough alone.
I tried to ignore them even longer until I noticed the dog look back and let out a low growl.
I don't know why these dumb muthafuckas were following us.
Maybe it was the malt liquor.
I know they didn't think they were gonna rob me.
That would have just been stupid.
What did they think they were gonna get?
The helmet or the underwear with somebody else's dick print in them?
I guess they figured the dog was a punk too because they ran up to do a three sided surround.
"Where you going?" said the first dumb ass.
"Home. Why?" I mean really?
"You were dressed so funny we had to come see what's up." why dumbass number to gotta say that?
"Ain't shit up. I am damn near naked at oh dark thirty and I am walking. Obviously my day ain't so good." I thought that was kinda obvious though.
"Hold up man. We wanna holla at ya!" Damn! dumbass 1 are you still here?
"No thanks" What? Are these dudes gay?
"The man said quit walking!" Whoa! Dumbass 3 speaketh!
He must be the king dumbass because he put his hand on me.
Wasn't a smart thing to do.
Cause I grabbed his wrist and twisted his hand toward the sky. And tried to punch his elbow through the moon.
His scream was real satisfying. I guess dislocations are real painful.
It stood him up real nice too. so I could do the same thing to his knee.
Now somebody was having a worse day than me.
You would think that seeing ya boy took out that easy would make you want to flee.
Not these mutts.
I guess dumbass 1 had some martial arts training and figured himself to be the second coming of Bruce Lee.
At least that is what it looked like from the stupid Bruce Lee scream and the little Bruce Lee dance he suddenly was doing.
If I wasn't so pissed, I probably would have laughed in his face.
He tried a quick punch kick combo.
Hmm... Karate. Earned one, maybe two belts. Wonder if he learned DEFENSE?
Six seconds later I had my answer.
He can't defend worth shit.
At least not judging from his broken nose and crushed windpipe.
Right then I hear another scream.
You know the kind that makes your blood run cold?
Turns out that the remaining dumbass found out that the dog was no punk indeed.
I see that there are now THREE people having a worse day than me.
Nothing like a pit bull gnawing on ya gonads to make a day go south.
Then the dog shakes him furiously.
Showoff.
"Hey dog! Let him go! I don't want you to catch anything! A dog with an STD CAN'T be a pretty thing!"
Right then I resolved to change my attitude about dad.
He used to call it martial arts training.
I called it creative asswhooping.
I guess we were both right.
I must call him and thank him.
Didn't know I had it in me.
After about another block I look at the dog and ask
"So Mr. Crotch Chewer. Are we close to home yet?"
You know I could have sworn that mutt just rolled his eyes at me!

Still not home yet. part 3 someday...

A Dyssturbed Dream, Pt. 1

A bicycle helmet, tighty whities and a dog.
It's all I got. I don't know why.
Nor do I know why I am laying under this marquee.
Or why I am literally laying in the gutter.
And it is a wet gutter.
Must have been one interesting night up until now.
I can't remember why though.
I get up and try to get my bearings.
I can't.
I try to figure out where I am.
I don't.
I guess where home is and start walking.
I hear the dog woof softly.
I stop and turn.
He takes a couple of steps in the OPPOSITE direction and stops.
I follow.
At least one of us knows where the hell we are going.

At the corner of the next block, I see a sight.
I see the most beautiful caramel thighs.
And is that a thong she is wearing?
I walk, and stare.
I stare and walk.
I know I must have been staring hard.
Because I didn't realize I had a "reaction" to those thighs.
AND I was forcibly snapped back to reality.
By a playful and feminine voice saying "Is all that for me?"
I am stopped dead in my tracks.
I finally manage to return from fantasy land and look up.
And notice her looking at the same approximate latitude that I was.
Then she looks up too.
Damn! Eye contact! Now I gotta say something back!
"Um... Hey!" is all my brain can manage.
"Can't say I have seen that particular outfit outdoors before." she quipped.
I look down and notice there is a white cone of fabric between my eyes and where my shoes should be.
"You pitch a nice tent! I will just keep wondering about the helmet."
Great! I run across the one hooker with a smart ass mouth!
"Well you keep wondering about the helmet. I am still trying to figure out which of us is wearing the most fabric" I say as I give her a good looking over.
She chuckles lightly and says "Touche'! But you still didn't answer my question."
"Question?" I ask.
"Yeah, I asked if all that was for me" she said while checking my cone.
I completely forgot about that question.
Me being me, I had to ask "Is it free?"
She gives me one of those appraising looks as if she is considering it.
"Not tonight" was her decision of course.
"Just as well, my money is in my wallet in my pants. Wherever the hell THEY are..."
Might not have been much of a comeback, but I didn't know where any of that shit was.
"Well, maybe next time when you have pants with a wallet in them with money in it"
No she didn't!
"Or I can catch you on stage. At the strip club or at the Improv"
Hey! I had to say something! How the hell did I manage to find Jokey Smurf Hooker anyway?
"Ha Ha Mr. Tent Man. And I'm supposed to be the funny one? You have a good night because meeting you in that outfit sure made mine!"
"Well you have a good night too. You almost made my night too! Almost..."
You know as I walked away, I could have sworn that the dog was looking at me funny and shaking his damn head at me!

Part 2 to come...maybe...

Tagged!: 7 Random Facts And Other Madness

1. Link to the person that tagged you, and post the rules on your blog.

2. Share 7 random and/or weird facts about yourself.

3. Tag 7 random people at the end of your post, and include links to their blogs.

4. Let each person know that they've been tagged by leaving a comment on their blog.

Well thanks Aretha! I blame you for this!

1. I have separate drinking vessels for every type of beverage I consume! - Yeah. That's right! I got a coffee mug, a tea mug, a cold beverage mug, a giant water jug and bottles and even drinking glasses for the spirits and wine. Okay, we will just get this outta the way early, I am anal! BUT most of my drinkware is plastic and insulated. You all know how plastic holds smells. I can't stand drinking a cola and smelling coffee in it! Or coffee and Plantation Mint smells whilst sipping on a nice lager! Hmm... Come to think about it am I the strange one?
2. I can't stand grease on my hands. - Never liked it. Never will. The thing with the grease is because it be all sticky and slippery at the same time. Hence the reason you will never smell Afro Sheen up in my do. Can't stand this so much that I will immediately stop whatever process I am in and go wash my hands.
3. I hate persistent smells on my hands. - This one is simply because I sleep with my hands near my face. Usually on one or both. And my nose is very sensitive most of the year (when it ain't clogged from the crazy weather changes in Michigan). So having things that are not pleasant smelling on my hands will keep me from sleeping! Okay it bothers me if I am awake too!
4. I am a pack rat who can find things in the clutter. - My own personal spaces I tend to keep things that may be useful in the future. Other folks garbage is my treasure, to an extent. People are constantly amazed that I can remember where stuff is amongst the "garbage dump" (their term) of my stuff. Of course I done saved folks asses numerous times with a well timed piece of "junk" being used to niggarig their broke ass shit! Now on the finding things, this next item will explain...
5. I like order. - "Everything has a place and everything in it's place. If it doesn't have a place in my house it has no real function and hence has no need to exist in my house." This I have told to my kids ad infinitum. You would think those damn slobs would have learned that by now. The Wife takes that approach and goes overboard. For her, if it needs cleaning up then it needs circular filing! But back to me, I can find the smallest damn thing where folk only see disorder because I mentally catalog everything that I have. I can usually remember the last place I saw something. Of course that gets knocked off kilter when my folk "clean up". I put the clean up in quotes because their idea of cleaning up is taking the junk you moved from the area in question and putting it in a closet in a garbage bag.
6. Leave my shit alone! - This is definitely me. I have found that folk don't treat your things with nearly as much reverence and respect as you. But then again they didn't pay for it either and usually look at you like you are the one that fucked up when they break your shit. So I don't like folk messing around in my stuff. For instance, I collect Hot Wheels and mini motorcycles. Sometimes I put them out on display. Then folk come by and want to play with my shit. How dare these neanderthals want to play with my toys like they are...TOYS or something!!! I don't give a damn if you are three and like cars! Keep yo' little grubby hands off my shit! People sure aren't raising kids to the same standards like they used to! Humorous rant aside, it really does bug me because I have had a whole Hot Wheels collection DESTROYED like that. And when you are eight and had to BEG to get each and every one and come home from vacation and find your collection of 25 hard fought and won wonders broken, bent and missing, it does something to you! To this day, I will go and buy you one if you really want to play with one that bad! Seriously. And I find that grown folk ain't really no better with ya shit so this ain't just about Hot Wheels. That was just a good example...
7. I got more friends in Blogworld than Bushworld - What can I say? I like you guys a lot. I just hope y'all ain't crazier than I think ya are! Especially since I would like to meet SOME of you! Yeah, y'all chew on that last one. I will leave you to figure out who is in and who isn't. Fight it out amongst yaselves. To the winners go the spoils of me!

What? Why y'all looking at me all funny and shit? You KNEW I had to fuck with SOMEBODY on this damn post! If you didn't then you obviously didn't read the sign over the door when ya came in! Don't know what party you think THIS is. You know how I do it! I keeps it on tha madness! Shoo, ya betta axe somebody!

For those who might be wondering about their status per #7, I can say this. I ain't saying no names, but those who got a big ole ass, ya probably in. If ya knockas is bangin', ya probably in (that includes danglers too (maybe)). If you declared your undying love for me, or at least expressed your desire not to share me with others, ya probably in. If ya mind is as hot as ya body, ya probably in. If 310 means anything to you, you probably in. If you think I sound good on the phone or the lazy blog, you more than likely are in. If you got good cookies (marinate on that at ya leisure), you likely are in. If ya accent makes ya voice even sexier, by gosh give ya self an extra point or two. Hell if ya voice is sexy as hell, you can call me anytime and count yaself amongst the likely. IF ya talk a good sex game, you might be better off than most. If you are a homie and you have been known to turn up a tankard and you buying the first round, you definitely in! Hell if you are buying the first round then you in anyway!
And last but not least, if I told you I liked you more than ice cream and:

• You are a dude: Consider this the end of our relationship because I don't do that gay shit...
• You are a chick: Expect The Wife to come and bring that beat down because she may discover that you are the one I was cheating with!

If I missed any of you with these inside jokes, charge that to the Oldtimers and not the heart. Unless of course you really ARE out...

Oh, BTW. This is a voluntary tag because I stupidly promised immunity to several persons the last two times. AND I think I was the only one to get away with this the last time this particular bug was going around so y'all may have exhausted your weirdness already. Not likely, but maybe...

Temporarily Relocated...

I have been away from home since the last update.

Last week The Wife was attending a rather exciting high school football game. As she was cheering on our nephew's seeming single handed heroics, she ran into a problem.

There was this really big (her description) white man standing behind her. Since there were no bleachers everybody had to stand... While they were jumping up and down and cheering, he landed on her heel. Usually this will give you a flat tire (your shoe back stepped down and off your foot). In her case he landed on her Achilles tendon. It snapped. For those of you unfamiliar with the concept, the Achilles is the major tendon between the calf muscles and the heel of the foot. Yep! Major!

So I have been staying with her this last week. Much to her mother's chagrin. But I have been the enforcer and the driver and such. So she is keeping off of it as best as I can manage it.

She will be having surgery on Monday (probably by the time most of you read this...) She will be off her feet for between 2-6 weeks. I will likely be between houses for that period. So forgive me if I seem to be laming out on y'all or something.

On the other hand. I have been working on getting her and the kids a little better access to a computer and the internet. So between this all and her incredible boredom... I might get her in after all!!! Y'all might actually get posts from her! Or even a full blown blog! But I ain't promising anything...

I will hollerate later as I can!

Love!

TSSE...

A Very Interesting Product

You know. I think I might have to get me one of these...

If you feel the need to wonder why, either you don't know me or YOU need therapy!

What is it you ask? Well the answer is right here!

The Rapper In Me

You know about umpteen years ago. Me and my cousin Profit J. were talking about music. Eventually the conversation turned to the kinds of dudes putting out records at the time. Hammer and Vanilla Ice were big then.

So and idea formed... Obviously talent was no longer needed to secure a contract! So me and he were thinking about forming a rap group!

Were were gonna call ourselves No Talent Individuals! The first single was gonna be entitled In It For The Money. On the album Mo Money To Get The Hunnies! He was gonna be Profit Jay. I was gonna be Unpoetic Lou. Our main hook was to sample Elvis songs. We were gonna be the crossover kings. We would have made a mint!

Ah the days...

Should have did that shit though!!!

Memorial Madness: The Incident

Okay. The last installment involved the background material for THIS story. A short recap involved the devilish work of Shitake. That's a sliiiicckkkk one... But, onward... If you haven't read Memorial Madness: The Background, STOP! CLICK! READ! COME BACK!
I don't want you all lost as to why things are happening.

The day of the memorial arrives. The Wife had scooped me up the day before to reduce the amount of last minute rushing. So we were in chill mode for most of the morning. While doing breakfast, I happened to spy the time. So I asked her "What time is the service?" She looked at me and then the clock and said "Yeah, I know. We got plenty of time. It starts at 1:30. Well the family hour starts at 1:00 and the service starts at 1:30. But I want to arrive fashionably late so I don't have to deal with the BS that I am sure will be going on! I just know something is gonna happen. I am trying to give THEM the benefit of the doubt. But I ain't breaking bread with them fools afterward. I just can't deal with that mess!" So I said "Fine with me. I arrive when my driver does and leave when she goes! I don't know most of them folk anyway."

So we had our dressing, leaving and arriving plan set. We chillaxxed a bit more and then got dressed. I told The Boy that I would die before letting him be seen wearing a damn clip on tie while I still breathed. So tie tying class started. And I fear he needs a bit more practice. But out the door we go. On the way we were discussing what we might be expecting and the various devilment that Shitake had been engaging in up until that moment.

We arrive at the Jehovah's Witness hall where Gramma and Aunt Sweetie were members. Timing was impeccable. We arrived at about 1:25. We walked toward the entrance and spied all of the teenagers of the clan gravitated to each other talking about nothing. When we see Cousin CW, whose hot young body had turned into a bit larger middle aged version, headed toward us (sigh). As she is passing around hugs and greetings, she says, "It ain't happy in there. Be warned! They done started up already!" "Already!?!?!?" (Me and The Wife in stereo) CW - "Yep. Brace yourselves..." So me and the wife hover for a minute to steel ourselves by chit chatting with CW and the teens. And In we go!

We walk in and The Wife scans around to find her mom or sister for seating. No luck since she didn't see her sister and her mom was already accompanied. There was an empty row behind her mom. But she decided against sitting there. Okay she said "Ain't no way I am sitting in the middle near the front." So we sit at the right side of the hall about mid way back. We finally see her sister in the same row as us in the center section. By this time the teens had all drifted in and found seats. The Boy (my son) sat next to Heracles by MIL. The Girl (my daughter) sat by Jackie-L on the opposite side from us. We noticed that Aunt Sweetie and her family were in the front row, center section. MIL was in the row behind her with The Law's daughters, Heracles and The Boy. The next row was empty. Scratch that. The Law walked in right then with his wife and sat there. We noticed that Shitake was over by Jackie-L holding Princess (Jackie-L's baby girl). Aunt C, looking remarkably like a thicker version of Shitake (but don't tell HER that) was also over on the far side.

So the service went fine as usual. The pastor, as always, took that opportunity to hold service up in there! And between my bouts of nodding out, I found him pretty amusing. Mostly because I always find it amusing when people use redundancies when they talk. You know like when my step-mom says sausage-meat (sounds like shashuh meat). His phrase was Bible-book. And he quoted many scriptures out of that Bible-book too! He even gave us the Jehovah's Witness version of Heaven. Which I thought not too bad. Maybe I will read one of those Watchtowers that get forced on me in the future... But I digress.

The first clue for me that things might go horribly wrong was when The Wife borrowed an obituary from the man sitting at the end of the row. She remarked on the generally shoddy quality of the work. We (Me, The Wife and Annie Oakley) had done them for the last three funerals so it got critiqued, heavily. The first GLARING omission was when the son-in-laws were mentioned, her father wasn't in the list. He had passed on years earlier and apparently was out of mind (uh huh...) What I didn't know at the time was that Cousin Queen V (The Law's daughter, CW's sister) was visibly upset at the OTHER GLARING OMISSION. That being that The Law's wife wasn't mentioned either. His VERY MUCH ALIVE AND IN ATTENDANCE WIFE!!! And the wife was having a bit of sport at the part about Gramma being an exemplary mother and taught her children morals and such. This ALMOST made the wife snort out loud while the pastor was still doing his thing. But she listened when me and Cousin Glowworm told her to behave in stereo. A prayer and a few final words later the service ended! I even had my post half written at that point, especially about the Bible-book...

THEN ALL HELL BROKE LOOSE!!!!!

I started to look around for everybody who needed greetings from me. Then I notice The Law grab his wife from behind by the shoulders and force march her the hell up out of the hall. A man who I can't ever recall seeing before was hot on his heels saying stuff like "...dinner on my mothers memorial day" "Why she gotta be here?" "...Don't trust her!" as they went past my amazed eyes. Oh, this man, by the way, was Uncle Nutzo. Apparently he decided to wait exactly ONE second after the pastor finished to start his shit with big brother! I was starting to think how fucked up that shit was. Until he tried to take a swing at The Law! Right in the damn doorway!

:: Now this is the part where everything got confusing. Please bear with me if it gets confusing. ::

So Nutzo tries to start a fight with The Law because he had enough sense to leave instead of having some mess going on during the service. Bedlam! A couple of people grabbed Nutzo. He attempted to fight his way out. Was very close to getting the life stomped out of him by an off duty cop. THEN! MIL, who has numerous medical problems, decides to go get her little brother to try to get him to calm down. He bumps into her! Nearly knocking her over. So Heracles sees this, hulks the fuck out, off comes the shirt (I still don't remember what he was wearing aside from his uncle beater). He stands in front of her and dares Nutzo to touch her again! At the same time The Wife was counting her peeps to see where we were. She sees the bump. She yells to The Boy "Get your grandma! NOW!!!!" So my lazy ass son shocks the shit out of us by LEAPING over the chair and gets behind Heracles and in front of MIL. Also heard in a very proper and well enunciated bit of English was "Don't let Annie Oakley get to her truck!!!" Yeah, a white dude, Big M. You may or may not remember him from bike class... By this time I am starting to think of the most efficient way of murdering off Nutzo because this shit was going too damn far.
:: Hey, my wife and kids were up in there! Sue my ass! BTW I had settled on a hand over mouth and one over nose and a big bear hug. My feet never moved though! You'd be proud! ::

AT THE SAME TIME on the OTHER side of the hall. Apparently Shitake, still carrying Princess, decides to get all up in the shit! So she is heading toward the shit right? She basically runs up on MIL. She sees her and the next thing EVERYBODY sees is MIL's cane get raised HIGH up in the air! No. She wasn't just gonna hit her ass. She was about to bring the smite down up in that piece! Then Annie Oakley shakes the hell up outta her shoes! Meanwhile The Girl was walking up behind Shitake to rescue Princess because it seems she had taken a blow or two in the conflict and Shitake's grip was slippin'. Now somebody later mentioned that Shitake took a swing at The Girl. Fortunately The Girl didn't notice that. Her evil ass WOULD have retaliated. And you know how mothers are with their babies right? And you all have been here long enough to know that The Wife is AKA Miss Whoopabitchorthree. Had either of my kids been hit that damn joint might be a smoking pile of rubble at this point with a community of Jehovah's Witnesses wondering what they had done to deserve having their hall treated so...

:: Before I go on I will have to do a quick tactical analysis. ::
MIL had probably the largest contingent of supporters. She had three grand children, Two daughters, one son-in-law, one son-in-law to be (so I just found out...), three in-laws and one niece from the seemingly forgotten husband's family (tha gangster ones...), about five or eight friends (I lost count), Jackie-L (who is staying between her and Aunt Sweetie's house after the argument), probably The Law's daughters Queen V and CW, their sons, and possibly Aunt Sweetie's hubby and grand kids.
:: Tactical Analysis over... ::

Now after a minute or two of struggle and strife, they manage to get Nutzo, Shitake and Aunt C outside. Remember Aunt C was under the influence of Shitake. Things seemingly break up. Or so I thought. I linger around inside before going outside. I find The Wife and Annie Oakley attempting to restrain MIL from heading to what appears to be ANOTHER fight! They were alternately trying to calm her down and cuss her out because she was still dead set and determined to get her smite on! AND Joan Cleaver, a very right and respected lady (imagine Maya Angelou mixed with June Cleaver) decides to go and "... have a word with this Shitake". Her son had to grab her and hold her in place. Can you see it two ladies, one in her 50's and another in her 70's hobbling down to get the way to smite a person or two? Yeah...

Now by this time, Annie Oakley HAD gotten to her truck. So she was armed. And pissed! And barefoot. She shook outta the shoes when the shit jumped off inside. So she was doing the bulk of the cussing while The Wife did most of the calming. Until she had to act like the mother. She later realized that her and her sister were gonna be in trouble for cussing at their mom when MIL finally calmed down and remembered.

Yes, I did say there was a fight going on. Apparently Shitake and Queen V aired their venom and it turned into fisticuffs. Sisters got involved. It turned into a Tag team match. Shitake and Aunt C on one side and Queen V and CW on the other. Now the teens were all in agreement until they realized that their mothers were going at it. Then they started beefing. So now Aunt C's son was about ready to scrap with Queen V's son. While Shitake's son and CW's son were about to get into it.

ALL that broke up when the Ecorse cops rolled up into the parking lot! And they rolled up fast. I guess they mean mugged folk hard enough for cooler heads to prevail. They circled the parking lot once. They stopped to talk to the guy off duty who was at the service. I guess they were convinced that every thing else was cool and rolled out without getting out of the squad car.

This is where I will end my tale. I think everything took less time to happen than it did for you to read this. And I know I am leaving out many details. But I think you have spent enough time on these folks!

Memorial Madness: The Background

As you all know, funerals tend to make for the best of stories! They are even more story worthy when you got a bit of dysfunction in the family.

This weekend was no exception! My wife refers to her mother's side of the family as "a bunch of educated fools".

The Cast:
Gramma: The Departed.
The Law: Oldest child and one most likely to get the other siblings to behave.
Aunt Sweetie: Second child, one of the nicest folk you wanna meet.
MIL: Fourth child. Mother of my queen.
Aunt C: Reportedly the meekest of the clan.
Nutzo: Baby boy of the clan.
Shitake: from Shit, meaning shit and Ake meaning one who starts. Okay I didn't wanna say shit starter the whole damn post! The baby of the clan...
Annie Oakley: The Wife's sister
Herkales: Annie Oakley's son
And... Aw hell. I will introduce any others as the story goes...

Anyhow. This little story starts when Shitake goes to The Law's house and complains that Gramma can't stay with him and his wife and HER father. So The Law's wife packs Gramma's bag and sends her on her way with Shitake. Of course Shitake was never one to take care of Gramma. As a result Gramma ends up in an apartment in a senior center alone. This was back in June.

Gramma has been known to be a bit hard to live with. Was somewhat paranoid and had a bit of dementia. So she frequently had episodes where she thought folk were pumping poisonous gas into her place. As I said, a bit hard to live with. So Uncle The Law was likely doing his best to make her as safe and comfortable as possible having folk around to see about her and being friendly faces. So Shitake didn't make a difficult situation any better.

About a week and a half ago, Gramma was found in her apartment having passed on a day or two prior. This led to Shitake blaming The Law for killing their mother by kicking her out of his house. It is also believed that Shitake gaffled up the estate by doing the old sneak and sign. Much like she did when their father passed (she got a new car out of that). AND she moved herself back in with her ex-hubby. This prompted an argument between her and her daughter Jackie-L (who was living there already), cause they can't stand each other. Jackie-L moved out and took the baby with her.

Now Shitake is a sly one. She had been talking in the ears of Aunt C. and Nutzo. They got things twisted in their heads. So they were kinda pissed about some things. Things that went even beyond their usual dysfunctionalism. Aunt Sweetie's husband The Electrician told me that they had given Shitake money to pay for obituaries. She thought the money was an old debt from someone who owed Gramma. Then she complained that she didn't know how much printing costs (full color). Then she claimed that she gave the obits to Nutzo who didn't answer or return folks calls. So they had trouble getting the obit to the pastor before the service for familiarity sake. And since Nutzo never brought them, they had to improvise. This led to black and white obits printed on thin paper (2 sided). AND Shitake also was the one who compiled the info. She left out the deceased father of The Wife AND the very much alive wife of The Law. AND The Law's wife or her family were responsible for making the food for the meal after the service.

Okay, I gotta jet. But look for the conclusion in Memorial Madness: The Incident.
I will pre date that post so that when I do it, it will show up under this one so you don't get the story out of order! I will post it tomorrow.

Of course if I remember anything else I will of course edit this post too!

You Know...

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Today's Bonus Coverage

Okay, so I was looking at the news archives to find this story my mom caught on the news last night. Apparently two dudes were pulling armed robberies with a BB gun and got caught! Mom said that it looked like one was from the hood! My nephews thought he looked familiar too.

I found the story. And I happened to look up at the banner ad on top of the page. It had an attractive Asian lady with her butt up in the air and a pic of THIS device.

SMDH.

Kidz Izz Funnee!

Okay, this one is good.

The kids decided to have a three way Geekfest. So Saturday was a day out for me. Because The Wife is HORRIBLE at driving to unfamiliar places and is stubborn to the point of not learning places just because she don't wanna go there, ever. Like on the East Side. So of course since she was driving, she comes to grab her favorite GPS device. Me! And off we go. Had a little lunch while waiting on the third child in the outing to meet up, my big little cousin The Geekmaster. He rode the bus to the spot. And we located him right around the time we finished eating. Turns out he arrived early and stared the Geekfest without the other two. He was already reading and belatedly noticed a text that was asking his whereabouts.

The Boy, The Girl and The Geekmaster went to Barnes and Noble and hung out in the Anime section until they got booted out at closing time. Then they strolled over to the library for the same until that closed. Then they came to the crib and gathered around the computer and watched various episodes of different animated series. The Geekfest went on until about an hour or two after midnight.

During the drive across town they talked about all geeky things anime, hentai and manga and whatever else Japanese and cartoony. Then the discussion turned to The Boondocks. We were all fans and had a rolling quote fest. When suddenly, I spied with a disbelieving eye, THIS place...

go ahead and click the link, I will wait...

Okay, so the conversation went like this...
TSSE: Oh hail naw!!!
The Wife: What?
TSSE: The Male Box?
The Wife: Where
TSSE: Ova There --->

The adults start giggling uncontrollably at the sheer blatancy of it all.

The Wife: I wonder if Charles Pugh is in there...
The Girl: OH! starts laffin'

At this point the two boys are completely bewildered.

The Boy and The Geekmaster: WHAT?
TSSE: The M-A-L-E Box?
The Wife: You know with the male symbol on the sign?
The Girl: Uh hello! Charles Pugh?
Now the car falls into quiet giggles from three of us. You can positively hear and smell the synapses burning, three seconds pass, when suddenly:
The Boy and The Geekmaster: OOOOOOOhhhhhh!!!! Uhhhggghhhh!!!!
The Boy: That's a gay bar?
TSSE: The M-A-L-E Box? Where would you put your money on that bet?

Now the whole car is DYING LAFFING!
TSSE: Dang! Y'all slow!
The Girl: Could you see their faces if they just strolled up in there as dumb as they are now? (sisters are so mean!)
The Wife: (between guffaws) Y'all stop it, I can't drive like this!
The Boy: Uh, No thanks!
The Geekmaster: I was like, did they just say? Charles Pugh... Is that a?

Needless to say, their thickness provided us with many more minutes of fun at their expense. Especially from The Girl!

For those not in the know read about Charles Pugh. Yeah he graduated from the same ghetto ass high school as I did! I am proud of him! Even if he put somebody else's interview on TV that night that my back made the evening news!

A Dyssturbed Mental Image?

Imagine me in a room with some of these.

A few of these...

These two trophies.
And these two trophies.


And the two trophies holding all those trophies (sans clothing naturally). The net of course is imaginary...

If you don't see that the way I do then...

Leave their clothes on and congratulate them for bring home the goods from England! AGAIN!!!!

Twofer...

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The Dog And Chip Show

A silly moment with the dog. I caught him at the end of a frustrating and fruitless attempt to get a potato chip that HE LET bounce out of range. Note the snort of frustration about four seconds in...

Seems he caught me filming it and composed himself. Either that or he was begging me to come and help him and the chip find each other!