Wednesday, November 25, 2009

Releasing Unshed Tears

I come to you today in a rather different mood than usual. I told myself that I was gonna stop coming here until I had something worthy of your time. Posting on the regular about the same old complaints is no way to treat the folk you don't hate. So I took a step back to work some stuff out. Of course some have found that I have filled that space with a bunch of time on Facebook. That time was well spent when not on Farmville or Mafia Wars. There I am reconnecting and engaging people more than ever before. I have even found a bit of clarity. I got there in no small part to Brother Brown Blogger. I am not sure he even realizes how much. Yet the struggle continues. I have yet the achieve the comfort level necessary to return here full time. I guess I feel now that time spent blogging could be time spent job searching. So I only show up occasionally these days...

As I said though, I come to you today in a rather different mood than usual. I thought I was keeping it together and everything was cool. I was lying to myself. I feel a hot damn blubbering mess. I feel that way because death has visited my family three times in the last 11 days. Three. As I said, I thought I was okay. But then I have realized that the memorial blog posts haven't been written. They aren't in draft. And tears were unshed. I guess I could blame my mood on a case of S.A.D.q and some Maxwell song lyrics, but that just don't cut it for my satisfaction.

I guess the whole life and death thing becomes very magnified at such an unusual time. Here one day, gone the next. Very philosophical and yet a very real and pressing issue. Makes you question things. If I were suddenly removed from this existence, how would it affect people? As it stands, right now my father's line would not continue through me. My wife's load would not be eased because disposing of my remains would fall on her and whatever family members who could help. These two things keep me awake at night. I am pretty comfortable with the rest of my legacy I guess. I have loved as best I can. I have taught as well as I could when I could. I have been as good a person as I could be (for the most part).

I guess there is a lot of pent up frustration along with a lot of sadness. That is the only thing that explains to me why a song had me losing control of my tear ducts and emotions. I guess thinking about the possible meanings of Pretty Wings and people being gone and the state of health and the fleeting nature of life opened the flood gates. I have had an opportunity to get up and move out into the world since I started this post. I have a little more perspective on the whole incident. And I am cool with what happened and why.

I guess my reaction was a bit delayed because of where I am in my life. The usual anger at not having any more chances was not there as much. There is still a little bit there. Being housebound, I couldn't get to see my Uncle Jack during his last days. But we spent much quality time before his last sickness. And I drunk a my fair share of his wine an was exposed to a bit more world culture than if he was not around. Hell, I might just do something unlike me and blaze one up on his behalf. It was one of his favorite hobbies. My Uncle Ronald I haven't seen in a bit. He been absent and such and we haven't run across each other. I regret that I didn't make it to his baby boy's funeral a couple of months back. As a result, I missed another opportunity with him... And I never got to know my cousin's husband really. They moved to Texas a while back. But she is extremely dear to me and sweet as pie. So I feel that loss more for her than for me.

I guess I will continue to worry until I can leave a little security blanket around for my wife. And I won't be all the way done with being here until I have left heirs for my family and the world. But I feel better now that I have shed some of those tears. I acknowledge that there is more love to be spread. There are more moments to share. There is still time to spend with those who are still here.

In fact I am gonna spend a little more time with the little visitor that is here right now. She finds nothing more hilarious than to run like mad and getting in my computer chair when she sees that I am not in it. Guess I gotta sit through some Beyonce and Ciara videos now...

p.s. Hassan, don't think I don't see the irony in me being on this side of this conversation today...

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

Sorry

Sorry I had to do it to you!  You know I hate comment verification as much if not more than you!  But the spammers seem to be the only ones who come by on the regular these days.  And fuck them!

So in the future, comments will require verification.  Sucks, I know.  But I tire of deleting bullshit comments that have absolutely nothing to do with what is going on up in here!

But as always, love.

Friday, November 06, 2009

Special Guest Blogger Alert!!!!!

Sagittarius (The Archer) 22 Nov - 21 Dec
Positive: Sensual, inspiring, spiritual, very happy, open and honest, doesn't hold grudges, full of enthusiasm, sees the best in others.
Negative: Fears responsibility, impatient, a risk taker and gambler at heart, argumentative, has a lack of commitment, they believe in their talents and are highly disapproving of those who don't.

It's that time again folks. I'm back with another one!

Happy Birthday D-Money AKA Taz



Isn't this just the cutest little thing you ever saw? (just don't tell him that) When he got to the end, he proudly announced to all "I didn't drop it!!!"
















This is one of him and Old TSSE splashing in the pool during a Kings Island trip. Note the death grip on the life preserver...




















This is my favorite elementary school picture. Now that I think about it, this is the only good one I have. He chose to make funny faces in the rest of them...















This is the proud youngster showing that he got first place in the science fair! He should have, I worked damn hard on the project!!!! (Please ignore the ashy hands, I try but...)















Mr. Suave at his middle school graduation. Can't wait to see what he wants to wear for his REAL (a.k.a high school) graduation!
Huh? Wha? Who else is that you say? Oh, that is me...

Favorite Story: As you may know, kids can be a challenge at times. As Hubby says, "Kids are good for two things, torment and entertainment!" This particular day SOMEBODY (I won't name him but there are several pictures...) was not being very entertaining. He was losing his mind for some reason and neglected to clean his room after the fifth reminder. So I got fed up and sent him to his room to get it cleaned! He had his radio on to help him through the project. Being something of a music lover, he tended to sing along quite often. Not knowing the lyrics never stopped him. I was headed to see how much cleaning hadn't happened up to this point. I noticed Lady Marmalade was on the radio. I kinda got into it. All of a sudden this little ashy brown creature in tighty whities leaps out of the room. He starts twitching like he was being electrocuted (dancing?) and promptly yells "ITCHY ITCHY YA BA DA DUH!!!!!" I was pretty much done for the day after that.

Another Favorite Story: Yet another day D'Angelo was being a little less than entertaining. In fact I thought he had lost his damn rabbit ass mind! Frustrated to the point of exploding, I decided to act. I figured I would try a "non traditional" method of discipline. So I said, "All right D'Angelo, that's it! YOU GOING INTO TIME OUT!!!" He stopped and looked up at me. Then he said in the cutest little four year old voice "Time out for what mommy?" I was done then too! Obviously the time out don't work...

Happy 18th Birthday D'Angelo!!!!

Friday, October 09, 2009

A Profile Ain't Just A Side View

Oh yeah. Funny incident of the month. Me, my son and a cousin were riding bikes to the store to grab some groceries. On the way back we got profiled. It was kinda slick how the cops did it too. I mean these two ain't the best riding partners since I frequently had to look for them to see where they were. And as usual with the black male of 17 years vintage, they had great difficulty with taking things seriously. Now I am riding at a slow but steady pace. These two fools are every damn where but with me. On the sidewalk, then across the street to the other sidewalk, bumping each other, half a block back, a whole block back. Generally acting asses. I mentioned that particular thing to them when we got to the store.

On the way back, the started the same bullshit again. I pretended not to notice that they were doing it and had decided to quit wasting time waiting for them since they were obviously in play mode. I had seen the cop in his patrol car but pretty much ignored the fact that he was there. Except when I made my own rapid crossover from the wrong side of the street to the right one. I promptly forgot about him when I ran through the hole in the street. I was distracted by the musical tones coming out of my spokes, never heard that before.

I turn the corner and get my stroke on so I could get home and eat. Next thing I know a squad car rides up next to me slowly. My first thought was to be annoyed, I am sure it showed on my face. I wondered what the hell I did wrong. Then he said "Excuse me, are those guys on the bikes bothering you?" I think my face also betrayed the shock I felt. My response, "Bothering me?" I looked back to make sure who he was talking about. "No, they are not bothering me. They are SUPPOSED to be riding up here WITH ME!" I guess he was a little satisfied with that since he said "Okay, I was just checking." Not to be rude, I said, "Thank you officer! You have a good one!"

At this point I am DYING inside with laughter! They caught up after he pulled off. "What did he want?" Trying my best to (unsuccessfully) contain my bemusement I told them, "Um... he just wanted to know if you two were harassing me..." The looks on their faces were priceless! I almost fell off my bike laughing. "Now do you think the two of you could keep up before we all get arrested up out in here for riding while tanned?" So we hit the next two turns and hit the home stretch. I look around and see two bikes riding away from me. One in the park to the left, the other into the park to the right. You'd think they would have learned. So I turn my had toward home and focus on timing the traffic light so I don't have to stop. I notice that the cop who rode up to me was just turning that corner up ahead. Then I hear ANOTHER cop car! This one toggles the siren switch. You know the way they do to make that noise to get your attention. My head quickly turns with a REALLY annoyed look on my face. He keeps going by. I get to the light and lil' cuz catches up. He is mumbling something hateful and violent about cops. I tell him to cool his jets, it ain't worth the blood pressure spike. He then tells me that the second cop with the siren had slowed down to give him the "I'm watching you" signal. This kinda pissed me off a touch and made me laugh a little. My reply to him was, "Shit, don't worry yourself over it, neither of those cops was Black OR Jewish, they are the ones who look out of place around here! Now do you think you could keep up now?"

Got home and relayed the story to the ladies and we had a pretty good laugh about it. Especially after I thought about it and mentioned that the way they were riding, they did look like they were out there fucking with people. I couldn't resist adding a moral to that story...

Thursday, October 08, 2009

Captain's Log: Supplemental

Well, here I am for my obligatory twice a month posting.
Okay...
Kidding really.

Just ain't been able to write much lately. I guess I feel guilty that the time spent should be used chasing paper that seems nonexistent to me personally. I don't even spend as much time on Facebook. And I did that largely to chat jack you all and my family and friends. But you didn't come here to hear about my economic troubles. And I didn't come here to write about them. Plenty has been said about that as it is.

My campaign to "retake the bridge" as outlined in my last post has netted good results. Some underlying issues still have to be ironed out. The youngin's are still struggling with coming of age and being under the roof at the same time. But as usual, that means they are struggling with desires against requirements. Sucks for them. I will not be deterred. I do what I do to improve things. If they feel a bit of discomfort, then they are likely one of the hurdles to improvement. Mostly to themselves or the group as a whole. Time runs short to whip them into shape. The bulk of the work has been done. But the devil is in the details they say. It is the details that are causing the problems.

The fact that one could give a shit saddens me greatly. He will be 18 in less than 30 days. He could not tell me what his plans for his future are. This nearly had me in tears. A manchild born with brown skin in the United States who in 2009 just rolls with whatever anyone decides for him while on the cusp on the adulthood. Tragedy just doesn't even begin to describe this situation. He is taking a voc-tec program where he has changed direction twice since Labor Day. Yet he says that it is what he REALLY wants to do. Yet he has not convinced me. I am starting to think he is wasting his time in the program. I am tempted to have him removed and back to his regular school full time to ensure that he graduates on time. But I don't know if it would be the right thing to do because I just don't know where he is trying to get to. And he either can't tell me, or he won't. That and his discovery of the female type (too soon for him I think!) has taken a strange and possibly disturbing twist. Since these kids only listen to what they want to hear, he has taken half of the advice given him. He got this thing about being a one woman man, yet they come and go so fast that we can't keep track. I told him that getting serious was the last thing he needed in his life right now, for several good reasons. I mentioned that he should have five at the same time and not get too deeply involved until he figured out what he really wanted. His interpretation is that he should have five in a row and try to get deeply involved, until they showed tendencies toward insanity. I think he really missed the point on that one. Oh well, I just hope he is on his own before he encounters the crazy stalker one. I would hate to have to pull my belt off and whoop somebody eles's daughter's ass because she did that Jasmine Sullivan shit on MY car!

The other one has some strange space issues. More important, if somebody ain't using it RIGHT NOW then it is okay for her to do what she will. NOT okay since the inherent laziness means that places on the property, in and out, end up being dumping grounds for her half assedness. She has an uncanny knack for uttering "I don't see what the problem is". This is in response to things such as:

  • Bringing home strays, human and animal.
  • "Cleaning" by shifting shit from one place to another.
  • Ignoring blatantly obvious yard issues.
  • Mistreatment of the dog.
  • Her own part in FUBAR situations.
  • Lightfingering other people's shit.
Okay, let's just say it is a catchall for her just being irresponsible. For instance, yesterday I put them both on the path to refurbishing the property in general. I mentioned a bag of yard waste. This bag of yard waste had busted because my kids insisted on throwing the dirt away. I told them NOT TO throw the dirt in the bag because only the green stuff needed to be removed. Instead of dumping the dirt back into the flower bed, THEY decided to press on as before. The yard waste never got picked up because the bag was too heavy. The chose to ignore me again when I told them to unload the bag and return ONLY the green stuff to the bag, it would get picked up then. They didn't, it rained, they finally tried to move it, the bag broke, they tried to pretend they didn't see the mess, I tripped. Now the bag in question, still full of dirt, made it as far as the driveway next to the house. It is still there. All the green done dried up and is probably compost now. Somehow they can't figure out how to move apparently. In spite of me giving pretty detailed instructions, several times, that a shovel and walking would be involved. But now the dry season has worn off. So the dirt is gonna get heavier and heavier the more it rains. ALL of this I explained to the both of them yesterday. I did this because she said "I don't see why it is a problem. It has been sitting there all this time. Nobody can see it." The paragraph above is PART of my response. The short version of the rest was that she must be a blind ass idiot to even think to tell such an obvious lie.

Sigh... I could write a book on each of them. But to be honest, I am just too damn lazy. Especially since I would feel obligated to write on about my own issues, just to be fair. And I just ain't got the time or energy or desire to write those three books.

Thursday, September 17, 2009

Captain's Log: Stardate 55177.4

7:19 a.m.
I have been awake one hour and nineteen minutes.
And I am pissed.
Why?
Lemme see...

  • Awakened @ 6:00 a.m. by multiple alarms
  • Attempted to page teenagers on lower level
  • Lower level phone dead
  • Swore aloud since I made a point of mentioning that said phone should get charged the day before
  • Got out of my comfy bed
  • Walked down stairs
  • Searched for first body to awaken
  • Found previously mentioned body awake in bathroom
  • Asked myself WTF am I doing up then?
  • Left instructions to first body to make sure the other two bodies get the hell up
  • Banged on door to interrupt the slumber of bodies two and three.
  • Escaped lower level, but only after noticing(ONE MORE TIME!) that them trifling muthafuckas need to get their cleaning game on.
  • Returned to upper level to contemplate life and other such things while attending to blog comments and e-mail.
  • Got fed up that dog had been whining for several minutes with no action being taken.
  • Asked body number one WHY dog has been whining for several minutes WITH NO ACTION BEING TAKEN?!?!? wait... Imma give you the long version...

    • "Um... Sir?"
    • "Yeah?"
    • "Whatchu doin'?"
    • "Huh?"
    • "What are you doing?"
    • "Waitin' for my clothes to dry"
    • "Waiting... While you are supposed to be getting dressed?"
    • "Yeah"
    • "Wouldn't it have been more intelligent to dry them YESTERDAY?"
    • "..."
    • "Hello?"
    • "Yeah, it would have"
    • "So why are you waiting NOW?"
    • "Actually I am trying to get the wrinkles out"
    • "Uh, huh..." Actually this was me resisting the urge to go into a long discourse about the merits of using an iron... But not to get distracted from my mission...
    • "So you are doing nothing then"
    • "Um... yeah"
    • "Really?"
    • "That and listening to the dog whine"
    • "Listening to the dog whine..."
    • "Yeah"
    • "And you think this is a good thing to be doing right at this moment?"
    • "He be whining for no reason!!!"
    • "Really?"
    • "Yeah, you know..."
    • "When has he been out last?"
    • "I don't know"
    • "You don't know?"
    • "Yeah"
    • "You don't know, yet you feel justified in saying that he is whining for no reason?"
    • "Um..."
    • "For that matter, are his bowls full?"
    • "He just got done eating and stuff!"
    • I sigh heavily and a moment later I hear a "chink" and then a large white blur thunders up the stairs at me. I open the door to his "bathroom".
    • "Um... Are y'all using the car today?"
    • "The car?"
    • "Yeah"
    • "Why?"
    • "I wanted y'all to drop me off and pick me up from school?"
    • "Really? What's wrong with the bike?"
    • "Nothing, my legs hurt"
    • "Your legs...?" Translation: from laying around on your ass?
    • "Hmm... We'll see..." Translation: You still laying on ya ass 15 minutes before you are supposed to leave, I am gonna do the dishes Y'ALL didn't do last night (while you are at school), I cooked last night, the garbage ain't out (today is garbage day), you been ignoring the dog, AND I gotta constantly pretty much get off in ya grill to get shit done. Yet YOU want ME to chauffer ya ass around? HMPH! (The only reason I even considered it was because there was a bit of chill in the air this morning...)
    • "While you are standing around, why don't you make sure the other two are up!"
    • "OK" He schleps over to the door and taps lightly
    • "Do you think you could actually knock on the door?" He knocks harder. Then again like he actually means it.
    • From inside the door comes "YEAH?!?"
    • To which I replied "GET YA DAMN ASSES THE HELL UP OUTTA BED. THE FUCK YOU WAITING FOR?" it is 6:45 by now...
  • I also notice that the lock is missing from the garage.
  • Go outside and see that the bag that didn't make it out to the curb last week is still sitting busted in the garage.
  • Garbage IN the house is still in the house
  • Dishes ain't done yet they ate for the last two days because I cooked!
  • Went to see about my sick wife and here he comes with the car shit again!
  • This of course set her off since the car is messed up and costs money that needs to be put in the rent. The sheer selfishness of the request had her in tears.
  • AND she went downstairs (very rare) looking for something and was disgusted with the condition of the basement.
Needless to say, there will be me and hell to pay. Been kicking back too long not making waves. Since I ain't been contributing to the finances as I would like to be, I let her steer the ship since she got the wind up in the sails. But it is time for me to take command again. This ship needs her captain. Not saying that Spock is not an effective captain. But he ain't no Kirk. Wifey got the Bitch gene just fine. But command requires the Asshole gene. I got that. That is what command requires. As wifey, and the neighbor lady with the out of control kids, can attest, the Bitch gene is not enough.

p.s. For those Star Trek purists who would dispute my use of the Stardate in the title, DON'T WASTE YOUR TIME! If you however are curious as to where it came from... HERE!

Monday, September 14, 2009

SMDH!



I don't know about y'all. But I am convinced that this dude is straight crazy! And definitely disrespectful!!!

Tuesday, September 08, 2009

Um... Okay.

I must have awaken today in Bizarro world. Why you ask?



I daresay Rhianna betta watch her back! When aged where are they now celebs with huge racks and accents as thick as molasses start performing her stuff onstage, she might be in trouble.

Shit, I gotta start watching the damn Jerry Lewis Telethon again! That was strangely entertaining!

Who knew Charo wanted to be a pop star?

Saturday, September 05, 2009

A Song For Nikki...

I told myself that after the post below, I would raise the flag back to the top of the pole again. Public expressions of mourning shouldn't last forever. And I need to take that private anyway. Already I lied to myself and am posting one more than I told myself I would. (this one)

Tomorrow it is back to the usual blogging and facebook stuff. New post, new status update, different tone and focus. Of course I will still be available should someone need me to get something off their chest. And there is a little bit of smurfy that needs resmurfing.

In short I will go on. But a little closer to a few because of a shared loss. And I shall add one more to my list of remembrances. And I am thankful for them all. I will probably speak on all that in more detail after now.

But there real reason for this post is a song dedication. It may be corny or cliche'. And if for one moment you think that matters, then obviously you have forgotten where you are, the title of this blog AND/OR the dude who authors it! I have been singing this song in part or whole all damn day (which started @ 3:30 this morn nap not withstanding). Since I didn't want to insult your souls by recording that caterwauling, I will let the professionals do their jobs.



Get a playlist! Standalone player Get Ringtones

Blog Jacking: Nikki - The Memorial Edition

I have been known to jack a post or two in my time. Usually to reedit one done by someone else to "improve" the experience. All done in fun of course. Particularly to honor the blogger in question. This time is no exception. At least the reason for doing it is the same. However this time I will jack the entire post and put it out there without "enhancements". This post is one of many that were hilarious, though provoking, wildly entertaining and the creations of a very talented (and slightly burnt out) mind.

This particular post was one of my favorites. I linked it in one of my old "Best Of" posts. After this I couldn't get enough of that kooky, wise, gifted, (insert 10 - 12 other adjectives here) blogger known as Nikki Indigo. From then my obsession our relationship grew and she would be in my world forever more!
And... (in her words) "it started off harmless enough, really."

I dedicate this bit of blogger love to you Nikki, on the day or your memorial.

Friday, April 27, 2007

crotchless panties

*sigh*

it's time...

i've put the dirty deed off long enough.

i was ready to squeeze one more week out of them, but it's become painfully obvious i can no longer wait.

it started this morning when i reached down to scratch my pubic area. it was itching as the pubic area is wont to do and i quickly sought to end the discomfort, so i reached under my miniskirt with the intent on scratching hard to compensate for the cotton covering the area.

imagine my surprise when instead of scratching through cotton my fingers came into immediate contact with short, coarse hair. for a minute there i wasn't even paying attention. it wasn't until i attempted to pull my hand from beneath my skirt and snagged one of my unmanicured fingernails in the hair on my crotch that i realized there was no cotton there. incredulous, i lifted my skirt and looked down to make sure i had on underwear (uh, sometimes mornings can be hectic...)

i had on underwear alright, or what was left of a pair of undies i'm sure i'd owned since college. the cotton dangled despondently like cheap lace from the edges of a gaping hole that framed my vagina like a cunt cameo. SHIT. when i'd grabbed them from the shelf this morning they looked wearable...a bit gray and threadbare but wearable. now, as i sit here at my desk i realize just how tattered they really are. the elastic is drooping like drunken lips around my waist, slovenly hugging my hips like an inebriated lover groping for me in the dark. there are other smaller holes everywhere along with a faded bruise 'the crimson bitch' left from one of her visits sometime during clinton's first administration.

not a good look.

time to toss these panties in the trash.

but i need help, because i just can't seem to part with THESE panties. it's like if i throw them away somewhere an angel loses her wings or a bag of puppies is tossed into a lake. on the days i know i'm wearing them, i pray i'm not in an accident or collapse in public so i won't have to show my rag-covered ass to the masses. i've put them to the side numerous times, mentally making note to toss these bad boys out.

so why can't i get RID of them?!?

maybe i've got some kind of attachment issues. maybe this is my version of the security blanket. maybe i wanna fool myself into believing my ass is still the same size it was when i was in college (while completely overlooking the fact that the material is so stretched out i could wrap my couch in it).

or maybe, deep down inside, i'm using them as a weapon against bad dick. i mean, the power of these panties to shrivel a dick is a sigh to behold. it's like watching a person crumble to the ground after being shot in the chest.

either way, something's got to give. any suggestions?

Monday, August 31, 2009

R.I.P. Nikki Indigo

My buddy Nikki AKA Nikki Indigo author of Indigo Trail of My Thoughts passed away yesterday of complications from a rare autoimmune disease called Dermatomyositis (with lung complications). She will be missed.
(You will have to excuse the self-taken-bathroom-photo-style that is now standard on the internet. But it is one of the few she sent me... And she seemed to always be wearing a slightly devilish grin like in this photo, so I had to share!)

We recently had conversations about the state of our health; The strange and rare condition that resulted in her hospitalization and 60 pound weight loss; The state of blogging and why we both needed to get back on the grind; Employment, unemployment and self-employment; and the wonderful people we have met online and in person through blogging. Among other things...

And she made me promise her two things near the end of that last conversation. The first is the story below this one. She revealed to me that she enjoyed my story telling very much, and that I should tell that story. High praise indeed from one so gifted with the art of the story. I was flattered to no end of course. I returned the favor to her by revealing that she was one of my favorite people that I had yet to meet. And that I HAD to meet her (and a few others) in person or I would be greatly disappointed. She seemed very flattered by that. It is amazing how somebody can make you feel like a million bucks by letting you know they think you are cool! She had that way though. So I dedicate "Bennie Kick" to my friend Nikki!

The other thing I promised was cookies. We got to talking about LadyLee's cookies and how neither one of us got many. Me because I am way up here in the D and her because her family killed them and she had to get her jack on to get the three that she ate. "Like crack" I believe was her description of them. I told her I get that same response up here. That led to the family business conversation. So I promised her I would send some down since she said that "homemade cookies do wonders toward making a recovery". That I do not doubt. Strangely enough I thought about that yesterday afternoon. I was wondering when she would call me to make arrangements for the shipping and such.

I am saddened because I never got the chance to send those cookies. And that she likely didn't have a chance to read the story. And for the fact that we won't be able to have that meet and greet on this world.

Nikki, you will be missed.

Until I can figure out shipping to where you are, here are some cookies.







Okay, I was gonna surprise you with a little cake too! So here's some of that also!

Sunday, August 30, 2009

Bennie Kick!

I dedicate this post Haremite Nikki who demanded I write this. I hope she is enjoying her journey up above!

This little gem comes from the frozen days of the house search.

Okay, so there was this dude who was helping us with our house search around the end of last year. We will call him Bennie.

For those who may be unfamiliar with the whole story, I will give the short version.

  • Wife injures leg.
  • I move to her mom's place to take care of her.
  • Around Thanksgiving she mentions that she is not renewing her lease, which ends at the end of the year.
  • So we scramble to look for housing with about a month to get things done.
  • I was unemployed and The Wife worked for an auto parts supplier, right around the time of the bailouts...
  • Did I mention that the car had no heat?
Okay, now you are caught up.

So this dude Bennie was one of the people who was contacted about a property or two. He was really eager to help us find a place since commissions around Christmas are a good thing. Not that we had very much spirit since there was a distinct lack of funding and a great deal of stress. We had very specific needs since the locale we were looking in would keep the kids in the school there were currently enrolled.

On the day in question, Bennie had a place or two to show. We made a meet time around 6:30. On this particular day, Mother Nature and Old Man Winter had a confab and decided that it would be great fun to make for a White Christmas. The bastards! They succeeded. By the time it had stopped snowing, about 6 p.m., there were at least a good 6-8 inches accumulated on the ground. That sucked big ass big time!

So on we went to find the place. We were freeing our asses off because of the no heat. And we were slip sliding in a cross country skier's paradise. We found the street in question. We turned. We got stuck! We rocked it back and forth and got unstuck. We proceeded down the street and well, got stuck again. This time I had to get out and push to get unstuck. Lemme tell you standing in a foot of snow in ankle high boots is no fun! So we managed to get it moving again. Wifey, who was driving now, almost stopped! So I humped it through the show and managed to jump in the, still, slowly moving car. We find the place. Did I mention that there was a foot and a half of snow and really nowhere to park on the street? We quickly have a discussion about street versus guessing where the driveway was. We picked the driveway. So a hot bit of acceleration and a little sideways driving and boom! Yep, stuck halfway in the driveway in two feet of snow! Yep. I know, you saw that coming... We decide to take our chances with the street parking. So we somehow manage to get the car halfway out of the driveway and into the middle of the street. By this time the city road crew was coming through. And we were blocking them. From what do you ask? Plowing the street of course. Where were these mothafuckas at 15 minutes earlier BEFORE I was sweating in 18 degree cold. Anyhow they managed to shovel and push us out of our stuckness. Partly because we were in their way. So we got unstuck from the two and a half feet of snow and down the blizzard dumped street. Of course going the way they came would have worked better since that had been plowed already, but they were blocking and shyt!

That ordeal over we managed to get back to the service drive. We went around the block and found that they had been there already. It was like night and day. We felt like we were driving in a trench with a clear bottom. So nice it was. So we made our way back to the house for the meet up with Bennie. We chose the freshly plowed street parking this time. Now by this time Bennie was a bit behind schedule. But he finally made it. He pulls up in this big ass 4wd Magnum V8 pickup truck and flies up into the driveway. He jumps out into the three feet of snow and grabs his shovel. Now he got no gloves, no hat and we are looking at him like he was some kinda alien at this point. He does a halfway decent job of moving enough snow so that Wifey wouldn't have to put her bad foot in the snow too much. She was wearing a boot and sock so there was nothing to keep her foot dry should she step too deep.

Now I must stop to paint the picture in a little more detail. We were in a community north of 8 Mile. Detroiters understand what that means. To all others, let's just say that folk there tend to not have an afrocentric point of view if you get my meaning. But again, north of 8 Mile. And it is near 7 p.m. around Christmas. So it is dark den a muhfugga out already. And there is a group of people near a house. One obviously black. One looking quite Mediterranean/Middle Eastern. The third looking either White, Black, Hispanic or Middle Eastern depending on who you ask and what the hair game looks like at the time. Needless to say, we might have looked a little suspicious in that jewish and black neighborhood.

So he finally gets enough snow moved for us to get to the porch. We are freezing our asses off because we had to drive there with no heat, and waited a extra half hour for him while getting unstuck and standing in the snow. He starts punching the combo to the lock box on the door. He finds no success. He tries it again. No luck. Third time, no charm. So he says "That's strange. Maybe she gave me the wrong combination at the office." We agree that it is a plausible explanation for the troubles and joke about it. He calls the office. The lady on the phone gives him the same combination that he has been trying. He tries it again since she tells him that there is no other combination listed for that property. I bet you know what happened right?

So now there is a mystery afoot! He decides to check the side door for another lock box. Me and Wifey are standing on the porch waiting. He comes back to his truck and is on the phone by now. He is speaking very animatedly in Not English. We look at each other. My Spock eye brow goes up. He goes back to the side door saying that he is gonna see what's up. A minute later we hear hard bangs on the door. Repeatedly. So hard in fact that the picture window starts pulsating like a 15 inch subwoofer. We start looking at each other a little more meaningfully. Then start looking out for the polices!

Finally Bennie sounds successful in having achieved entry into the place. We look at the door waiting for him to open it. Right then Wifey says "I ain't going in there if he opens that door!" I look at her like we didn't just go through a frozen ordeal to get a look at the inside of the place. I guess she reads my expression which I am positive says "Oh we going our frozen asses in there!" She then says "I'm 'bout black as night, people aren't always sure what you are AND "some" folk might think the guy we are with is the cousin of an al-Qaeda". I pause... "And do I need to point out that we are in Oak Park?" At that I go straight up Jar-Jar Binks on her ass and say "Um... Yousea point is well said!" We have a giggle over that and a moment later Bennie comes around the corner a touch pissed. He tells us that there is furniture all up in the joint and it looks like somebody left a meal on the stove. Recently...

Wifey and I share a look of stark horror at that announcement. We start moving toward the car. Judging by the amount of snow that was on the sidewalk and driveway, either the person was likely on their way home from work, or they were in the house and was hiding when he started kicking the door in. Needless to say, we got the fuck up outta there with the quickness! You wouldn't have known that lady was walking with an open toed foot through four feet of snow.

But we did find out why he was so pissed. Apparently either the house owner listed it with someone else or rented it out himself and Bennie's company out. Which was a breach or their contract. And he definitely wasn't gonna earn no commission on that joint.

That was some crazy shit right there! We still laugh about that. I do wonder what happened with that house and such. And I wonder what he is up to. Sucked for him that somebody else managed to find us the place we are in now.

But we will always remember Bennie Kick (your door in)!

Wednesday, August 12, 2009

Hiatus?

I may be going on another blog break. But not because I want to. Seems that the phone company has performed an interdiction on the long distance. Of course the internet and local service may be soon to follow.

So if you don't see me here or on Facebook, don't worry. I am still here, just out of contact!

Damn! Just as I was getting used to blogging again!

Somebody need to call me dammit!!!

Tuesday, August 11, 2009

Untitled?

I spent nearly the entire day in front of my computer yesterday. Entire like I was working double shifts with a nap in between. I mention this because that is a sure sign that the rainclouds of depression have fully fallen on me. I find myself bored after too long sitting in this chair. But I fought through the boredom because it was the most interesting thing that my mind could come up with.

At one point I couldn't touch the keyboard to continue, yet I couldn't remove myself from the chair. I put my head in my hand. I managed to glance at the mirror wall next to me. The body language spoke volumes. The guy even looked like he was crying. It was strange because my own eyes were bone dry. I did a double take on that one. It gives me pause even now. Took me 10 minutes to finish this paragraph.

The stress of things as they are is killing me.

Something has gotta change.

Before I do...

This post is on a 23 hour delay. I never liked posting twice in the same day. Hopefully I will be out of this chair in the next hour. Or at least before it posts on the blog...

Monday, August 10, 2009

A Thought From Facebook

"You know, I am looking at my friends list. I am slightly surprised at the size of it. I am surprised because I haven't always been the most gregarious person. Yet for such a loner, I have a fairly large list. And these are just the ones I found on Facebook! I have some memory of everyone in the list. I guess you never realize how many people have touched your life until you see them all together!"

This was a little something that occurred to me while I was roaming around on my Facebook page earlier. The thought popped into my mind when I realized that the 152 people are only percentages. 82 relatives most of whom represent only ONE of my grandparents and their relatives. And they are only a part of the group as a whole. And still not all of the ones on Facebook I suspect.

About a dozen and a half of classmates from middle and high school years. A drop in the bucket considering the numbers of that population. Another dozen and a half of so of folk met in blogville. I still don't have everyone in the bloggerfam up in there. This is the largest percentage on FB for the population. And I have yet to meet one in person. Aside from Six that is. Known her all her life! As yet I have found no one from my college years.

But if you add all the folk together that have passed through you life who were not one time meetings, the list can get quite big. My own list would likely be over 500. Even more if you include all of the younger relatives I haven't met.

Wow.

Tuesday, August 04, 2009

I Now Officially Hate The 'Burbs!

Yep. I said it. I am officially hating on the suburbs like never before. As some of you may know, I am currently living life on the "other side". The other side of Eight Mile Road. If you are from Metro Detroit, I need not explain. For the rest of you, it means I done moved to the 'burbs and went all bougie on ya asses! Wasn't my intention. But since the school was helping my son's better than the others, we decided to keep him in the school he was in when we got back together.

Fast forward to now. I ain't mad at the convenience of having things nearby. 7-11s. Tim Hortons. Supermarkets. Pharmacies... You get the idea. None of that stuff is close in the hood. I am good with having things close, even if they do close early.

No.

My problem is that I got my old ass "If Lance Armstrong can get back on his bike after three years and finish on the podium at the hardest bike race in the world, I can ride mine too" self up and went on a one hour tour. A one hour tourrrrr..... The weather started getting up... Oh. I digress...

Eh-nee-way!

I got on my bike. I started exploring the neighborhood and nearby environs. What I call my turn and burn sessions. Turn a few corners, burn a few calories. At random of course. This particular day, called today, I ventured west. Turn and burn as I said is random and usually in the depths of the neighborhood. Now I have seen some nice houses in these parts. The street I am on now is quite nice in fact. BUT... There is some really nice real estate in these parts. But I hit northeast Southfield. And I am completely dissatisfied with everything I lived in and everything I thought to live in to date (with the exception of The Dream House...). I recently found an old friend who I hadn't seen in years nearby. He was not far from me or the area just explored. I remarked that I liked the house and neighborhood he was in. I got to see a lot of it because I got a little turned around trying to find him. Really nice stuff, but not exceptional to my eye. Well this stuff was exceptional.

Tree lined streets. Circular drives. 3000+ square feet. Quiet as you please. And most importantly no nigtasticalness! And one was even for sale! I thought that I had found Shangri-la or Atlantis or something! And it was hiding right under my nose! Hidden within the confines of roads I travel often! I know I am sounding all gushy over something that might be somewhat blah to others. But it was damn near a life changing moment for me. For a second I thought I heard someone say "I HAVE to get THAT house" But I was alone. I had let that escape my lips aloud. That NEVER happened before unless I was looking at a mansion. Like the dream house...

Suddenly the new digs looked a little less charming. The neighborhood a bit less fetching. I remarked to The Wife upon returning from my ride, "You know we live in a nice looking ugly neighborhood."

My point? I now officially hate the 'burbs. Why? Because they made me want to STAY!!! But in a bigger and better house!

Side note: I looked up the price of that house that was for sale. $240,000! A touch steep if you ask me considering the housing market I bought in. BUT, for the first time spending nearly a quarter of a million bucks on a house doesn't seem all that crazy to me.

Hmm...

Damn 'burbs.

Oh and screw you to all the folk who live in the pricey market places who are laughing at me right now. Not everybody lives in a place where you spend $100k on a shack with no view!

Monday, August 03, 2009

Facebook Stalker

Okay. Not REALLY stalker. But I make a game of it doing the friends list. My own little six degrees of separation thing. I have found some interesting coincidences. Some puzzling. Since most of my family, that I know of, is on my page now. I have been trying to figure out the people who keep popping up in my suggestion list. Some I can, some I can't. Most of them I can at least categorize them because of their guilt by association. The biggest mysteries are the bloggers. My mind is usually not in detective mode when I am on FB. So I have some trouble trying to figure out who these people are who are common friends with my favorite bloggers. I find it a fun game though. Of course if you find yourself reading this and am not on my FB friends, throw me a bone and send the request already.

If you want to that is...

No pressure...

Sunday, August 02, 2009

BDRII

Happy Birthday nephew who resembles me a great deal!

I am actually a week late with this post. I feel some shame. But I was hoping for a newer picture. Ah well, parents! What are ya gonna do? I guess I will post it on the actual date though.

Us chillaxin' in the olden days! I think his nickname for me at the time was Mr. Sandman!

Yep. It's a Mini Me! In my hat! Of course at this stage the hat went half way down his back!

But he was reppin' the D!!!!

Already trying to follow in his dad's footsteps. All up under the wheel with no L!

I would have posted a video of some kind but he never manages to stay in one place long enough. And I gotta clear out my phone memory a bit to take some.

Happy Birthday Brandon Deon Royal II!!!
AKA Tippy Toes AKA Poona AKA Me All Over Again AKA Mini Me AKA LB AKA Bran Bran AKA...

Wednesday, July 29, 2009

God Don't Like Ugly

So I have heard.

Seems to be true. Cause my ghettotastical neighbors have been quite quiet the last couple of days. Why? Seems like the trouble making teen in the house got himself arrested! I ain't completely clear on the whole story, but he got caught! Seems he got into a fight with someone else's ghettotastical neighbor. There may have been injuries enough to warrant hospitalization. But he did get grabbed up by the long arm of the law there! He might have been a fugitive from the law before the incident. I don't know. But I do know they have been rather quiet since then.

That and I may now understand the source of tension from the banshee of the crew. Jealousy. I don't think I mentioned the neighbors in-depth yet. But needeless to say the matron of he clan got a little into her cups and confessed that her kids were driving her crazy. Actually, trying to kill her was the description she used. She sees that the teens in my house are mannered, sensible and rather low key. Hers, the opposite. So she is a bit jealous! Hey, I did my job! Don't hate because I know how to apply the Foot in the ass/Kiss on the cheek technique with a certain level of mastery! Hopefully things will turn out better for them. So they can quit hating. Or at least move...

I will get into them in more detail later!

Later!

Saturday, July 25, 2009

More Stuff

Here I am again, looking back at another distant last post. And I can't for the life of me tell you why that is. I am spending more of my online time on Facebook than I used to. But that is not really an excuse. Myspace gaming took up way more time before I stopped. And now that my "Add My Family" campaign on FB is dying down, I am spending less time there too. And I didn't know there were so many of my relatives on FB. And I still ain't got them all added! But I digress.

Maybe my happiness factor has increased and hence my inspiration to sound off has decreased. But I don't read as much either. I would feel somewhat out of contact but most of you are on FB and are nearly as guilty as me at not being in Blogville.

I think it could be that I don't have enough good news. Or enough bad news. Or neutral news... I mean I could go on at length about my Niggatastical neighbors. But why? Although they are a bit more ghetto than the neighbors I had in the hood. And we are in a black and jewish community. Hell, now that I think about it I WAS the ghetto neighbor in the hood. Well not me personally but guilt by association and common address. Y'all done heard them stories at length though.

See. I started this post over an hour ago. Now I forgot where I was. Damn Facebook! And shame on all of you who ain't bloggin' or facebookin' on the reg! How the hell am I supposed to keep up with all of you?

:: getting down off of soapbox which mysteriously appeared under my feetz... ::

Monday, July 13, 2009

Something

Wow. 21 posts in half a year. I feel shame. Missed June entirely. Double shame.

Can't promise things will improve either. Ain't been feeling the words in my fingers.

I have achieved some contentment but am still unsettled.

I guess the time I spend blogging was the time I wasn't spending with my wife. It is the only thing I can think of that will explain my absence. She gets the time now instead of you. It ain't that I don't have the time. It ain't that I don't have stuff to say anymore. But I have been communicating to the world lately. But Facebook is the debil and takes up that time. I guess that will subside soon enough.

I am thinking about starting up again. My mind is all aclutter (yeah I know it ain't a word!) and I need to start the cleaning. I probably will focus again. Maybe I will sleep at night again.

Now I have run out of words and boredom is taking control. Yet sleep still doesn't come.

Later.

Sunday, May 31, 2009

A Favor If You Please


Hey fam!

I need a little favor from you all. Have a look at the flyer above (click to enlarge) and give me your critiques. Specifically:

  • How are the prices?
  • Language?
  • Formatting?
  • Does it generate interest for you?
  • Any suggestions?
  • Anything else that comes to mind...
That isn't the actual name, but this is the internet. Can't be too careful. The part about the "no junk" makes more sense with the actual name. Of course if you already know my name then it might make sense to anyone born before 1980. Maybe...

I am gonna shut up now and let you guys talk. Cause don't you hate it when somebody asks you something and then keeps running off at the mouth (or keyboard) like I am now?

Monday, May 18, 2009

Gas, Grass and Ass.

Gas - Put in lawnmower.

Grass - Cut with lawnmower.

Ass - Possible award for cutting grass.

What? Y'all thought I was talking about something else?

Now that you know how part of my day is going? How is yours?

Friday, May 08, 2009

A Little Video...

Okay folks! Here is the promised video!




If you don't want to watch the whole thing, pay close attention to the coolness that happens at 1 hour and 45 minutes!

Luv ya all! Now it is time to eat!!! Bagger Dave's anyone?

The Big Day!

Yep! That's right, the big day is here! Graduation time! The direct prelude to "get reacquainted with your blog" day.

Been a long hard road getting here. And a somewhat challenging one lately. Which reminds me, I got a couple of stories to tell... But, I digress (already...)

I would expound further, however the days tribulations have enervated me to the point of somnolence. <~~ see, it's working already... I know I also said I would give you guys a link so that you could share in the wonderfulness. In case you didn't have jack shit else interesting to occupy your time that is... But it seems that there is no link to the broadcast at this point. But the link to where it will be (at some point) is right here. I will make sure to post it when the actual video is up.

Anyway, this pie is about done. So I am gonna take it out of the oven and put me in the bed.

Oh yeah, for those who are interested and lucky enough to get a live feed, the festivities kick off at 10:00 a.m. e.d.t. (too damn early in the morning if ya ask me...)

Later!
Louis Sanford
AKA
The New Graduate!

Monday, April 27, 2009

Ain't Dead Yet!!!

But I am working hard on finishing finals!

I am guessing that blogging will be my release from the tedium of the job search that shall start in earnest after Friday! Or next Wednesday... I forgot about that paper...

Anyway, I haven't forgotten that I promised y'all some info. I will get that to you soon. Definitely before May 8th!

Friday, April 10, 2009

See, what I WAS gonna do...

Yep, what I was gonna do was drop my dulcet tones on you all in another audio post. Then I remember encountering resistance from several people who shall not have their identities outed. Today...

So...

You get to read instead of listen.


Every thing is cool.

That is all...


Okay, just kidding.

But things are cool.

School is still going on. The countdown is officially less than 30 days. Graduation looms. Hopefully that damn math proficiency that I was avoiding like the plague won't come back and bite me in the ass. Especially since I found out that you can only take that sumbitch ONCE a semester!!! What the fuck is that all about? Especially when I couldn't find the damn study materials on the website they sent me to! Do you realize how much math I have forgotten in the many years since I actually took a class? What a backward ass university!

Classes this semester have been a bit more challenging. Why? I am glad you asked...

  • I moved at the beginning of the semester. It was distracting for the first three weeks.
  • I resent three point five of the five classes I am taking this semester. I wasn't expecting to take them.
  • Cruise control is on.
  • Did I mention resentment?
  • Is May here yet?
  • I gotta get a job now?
  • I can't regurgitate facts like I did two decades ago.
Okay, enough of that.

I am surprised by how much my early semester affected the midterms. That and I am tired of group projects where folk don't wanna do shit. Thank god the last one is on Monday! And that I don't have to go to Astronomy lab any more!!! Just gotta turn in work for that one. One more class session and a paper for Business Anthropology. Hmm... Two weeks of class and then the final Finals!!! Yeah! I gotta be honest though. I really don't care what these grades look like as long as they don't keep me from commencement. Not that I ain't gonna continue trying. But it took 24 years to get here, I already got one and a half middle fingers up!!! Ya feel me?!?!?

Dang! Now I gotta go all they way back to being a grown up.
...
... ...
...
Dang!

On the other hand, the job is always easier than the training for it. And the payments go in the opposite direction. Who invented that system anyway?

I will try to post more since the workload is letting up. I can justify spending time creating documents that don't have a due date and a rubric. But you know how that goes. And how I go...

OH!!!
By the way. You are all invited to my graduation!
Turns out that while tickets are limited, there is an internet simulcast! I will have to get the link out to you closer to the event!

Update: I passed the proficiency exam!!! So that little test won't hold me up for another 15 weeks!

Friday, April 03, 2009

A Heart Stolen

A year ago today, this wonderful little individual was born.

Who was to know she would turn out to be this bigger wonderful individual a year later!
Look at that smile!!!
Just a grinnin'!
Who could resist that face?


Really though! I could! This chile is da debil! Yeah, yeah, I know you are thinking "Not that angelic little face!" Well you can best believe that what I say is true!!!

I managed to get those pictures while she was smack in the middle of terrorizing my computer! Notice how in the first and third of the recent photos that her little arm is up and escaping the pictures? That is because she was repeatedly punching the power button on my monitor and thought she was being slick and such! In the middle picture I dived between her and my keyboard. That of course brought about that little devilish grin you see.

Y'all don't believe me? Check out the video...
video
I am still not sure which of us won that one...

Okay, on the real. She ain't da debil ALL the time. And because she ain't, she managed to steal the heart of this old blogger. Usually by being cute and undebilish like this.


video
Or like this...

video

Happy Birthday Aniyah Princess Marie!!!
AKA Gummy Bear AKA Gumbeezy AKA Taboody AKA Bad Booty AKA Tee Tee AKA Ham Hocks AKA Chunky Butt AKA Detroit's Next Top Model AKA... (Well y'all get the idea)

Friday, March 20, 2009

Frontin' At The Pondo

My son. Okay he ain't my genes so I won't be TOO embarrassed.

Let me tell you what this... this... person did.

Usually we go out to eat in public and find ourselves somewhat embarrassed. I mean this cat looks like he hasn't had food in ever. I mean messy face and hands. Ranch dressing on the cheeks, hands, sleeves, glasses... You get the drift. Bad enough to the point where my wife will say tight lipped "STOP IT! You act like you ain't never had food before! That is really pissing me off!" Yeah. Tight lipped. Like you say it when you about to fuck somebody up and don't want the whole world to know. I know y'all know it.

So we would tend to lighten the mood a bit by teasing him. "Boy, wait until you get a girlfriend! You probably gonna scare her off the first time y'all go to a restaurant!" And many more like it. He usually looked at us like he really could give a shit. Which of course didn't stop the barbarian behavior.

Jump forward in time. SOMEBODY has a girlfriend. The families agree to meet up. They are from Saginaw and are a couple hours drive away. So when a doctor appointment brings mom to the area, it sets up an opportunity for teen time spent together. And since the family is with her, an opportunity for everybody to meet. So we agree to meet them at a restaurant near their hotel. They pick Ponderosa. I guess we all liked the meatballs and the wing dings.

The day arrives and he is in a funny mood. He goes between elated and irritating... okay irritable. He especially works a nerve when he acts like he don't know the plan and gets more irritating when we don't leave when he wants to go. Completely forgetting that his GF and her fam were out shopping and moved the time back two hours.

As the time went by and he started getting even more irritating, we started to threaten to kill him. Or at least leave his ass at home. In retrospect we wished he had stayed that way because you know how teen age boys get that touchy feely silly love struck puppy thing going? Yeah, that is what we had to deal with from the time he hit the restaurant parking lot until he went to sleep.

So we finally get in and the families meet. He is of course excited. Understandably so. She ain't bad looking and is fairly well configured for a teenager. I guess there is something to be said for Internet Pimpin'! Basically everyone orders the buffet. We sit and jawjack for a few moments. Then me and The Wife get up and go to get our grub on. I guess the rest of them forgot it was a self serve thing... I come back to the table with my meat plate and my side plate (them damn salad plates were small!). Guess what the hell I see run up to the table? A salad!!! Who has it? Mr. Barbarian Man!!! I didn't think that it was unusual considering we do salads all the time. But this sumbitch was acting all funny! He was cutting the damn salad with a knife like it had a damn porterhouse in the middle of it!!! I just looked at him. His mother asked if he was hungry. He said, "Yeah, I'm straight!" Of course that was my que to ask him where his FOOD was. Then his sister and cousin started in on him. We saw he was frontin' his ass off. And we WERE gonna call him on it!!! It got so bad that even his lady love's mother called him out. "We came all the way down here to have dinner with you and all you are gonna eat is a salad?" At which point even he had to laugh. But he stayed in character. Because he still ate that damn salad with that damn knife and fork. Except when his girlfriend went to the powder room. Then he availed himself of a few wing dings. Of course he put the bones on somebody else's plate. When she got back, he was back to the knife, fork and salad.

At least until he got ratted out. Because cousin Dan said to The Wife "Hey cousin! You sure were hungry with all them chicken wings on your plate!" To which The Wife replied "Those aren't mine. D ate those!" At which point everybody busted out laughing since he got informed on by his own mother. But he started acting somewhat normal after that. Somewhat.

Thursday, March 19, 2009

Nasty Muthafucka!!!

I meant to do this one sooner but well... I been procrastinating. Okay, I actually been studying (see Ladylee!).

I was at my Anthropology class. It had just ended and I was on my way home. My wife called me just as I entered the men's room. So I kinda drifted to the business section. I hung back since it was a two handed job and I didn't wanna crowd the two guys there. My wife tends to stay on the phone so the other guys finished up and left. I was all alone. So I drifted over to the urinals. I picked out the one that was going to service my needs.

Sidebar: Urinal etiquette
I have to take this little sidebar to explain the unspoken mantiquette about taking a piss in a public restroom. First a picture...


This is essentially the same setup as the restroom in question. Mantiquette says that if they are all empty, pick one on the edge. Because if someone comes in while you are in mid stream, you don't want him to have to do his thing next to you. In other words leave an empty one between if possible. Usually if the ones on the end are filled, either wait until one frees up, or if you are really pressed, use the middle one. That is how it usually goes.

Returning to the story. At this point I have selected the on on the far end next to the wall. I flushed it to make sure the water was as clean as possible before I did my thing. Don't want no backsplash from other people's wastewater. I don't have the longest arms in the world so I wasn't standing too far away. As I am finishing up my call, I notice this guy walk up into the joint. Now I just knew this dude saw me and had already decided to either use a toilet or the urinal to the right of the picture, as dictated by mantiquette. Imagine my horror when he walked past the first urinal he arrived at (on the right). He stopped to inspect the middle urinal. Now mind you I am within arms reach of the one on the left. This was a breach or mantiquette!

Well... The show didn't stop there. No, no, nonono! This nasty, troll looking, dirty ass, low born, unhometrained, ratty ass muthafucka took it to another level!!! Cause dude took a sidestep to the left!!!! I know y'all already had the picture formed of what things looked like BEFORE he rolled up. So you can imagine what it looked like NOW!!! Y'all remember the Chilisauce move The Time did in during Jungle Love in Purple Rain? @ 2:36 in the video below (I won't take the clip out of the video so you can enjoy the whole thing...)


That's right this sumbitch Cha Cha slid his ass over in front of me! I was close enough to give that muthafucka a damn reacharound!!!

I was so shocked and outdone that I couldn't even hang up the damn phone! I just walked out of the spot and told my wife about his nasty ass! I waited until I got home after that.

I still can't believe that shit!!!

Wednesday, March 18, 2009

What Is It?

Okay so check this out. My wife is an occasional lottery player. In her case the "occasion" is when one of her family members irritates the shit out of her. Of course she oftentimes forgets to do so. So when the numbers come on those days, we hear "Dammit! I knew I should have played today! Look what came out!" What comes out is usually one of our birthdays or one of the kids' birth weights.

Today is no exception. For some reason the boy likes to lay around and be late for school. I say this because,

  • The car is supposed to leave the house at 7:20 daily.
  • I get up at 7:12 this morning (because weather and traffic is on the 2's)
  • I see his ass in his damn jammies.
  • I jump in my clothes, ret to go and see him still half dressed.
  • I ask, "Dog been out? Cleaned up after? What your sister doing?" the usual...
  • I get "no, no, she in the shower I think"
  • The wife gets them up @ 6:30 so they get almost an hour to SS&S.
  • Why everybody ain't clean, ready and maybe even fed (including the dog) by 7:15 I don't know.
  • I get tired of waiting of them and, as usual, I go out to the car first. @ 7:35.
  • They finally drag ass out to the car @ 7:40 which is the same exact time his ass is supposed to be in class.
  • They both conveniently walk right out the door and don't bother to lock the sumbitch.
  • So I ask why.
  • For those of you who have kids, you already know what the answer was...
  • For those who don't, they said "My key is in the house. I was in a hurry to get out here" Huh... Ironic isn't it? Hurry? AFTER we are VERY late?
  • So they both get up and go back in to get their keys.
  • HE comes back out and says "Mommy told me to stay home"
  • I ask why?
  • He shrugs
  • My phone rings. The wife from inside.
  • She says "he might as well stay home since he is so late. But he gonna clean his ass off today"
  • I um... kindly... remind her that "neither one of us will be at home today and there is no reason at all for his ass to miss school since he was the one dragging ass this morning"
  • She says "You know he is gonna get Saturday School for this" Saturday School being weekend detention for folk with multiple tardies. Usually his sister's fault...
  • I say "Yep. But if he gets tired of doing it then he will get up and make sure his sister is moving her ass along so he can get there on time."
  • She agrees and sends his evil late ass back out to the car.
I will stop the bullets now. They were probably irritating by now. Thanks Dr. Fitzgibbons! I am now bullet pointing like crazy! (My Business Presentations class)

Anyway, fast forward to later in the day after she got her hair done. Now she feeling pretty again and all. We stop at the store to grab a few items. She walks up to the lottery counter because she remembers something that she wanted to play. Guess what I hear. Yep, you guessed it... "Dammit! Look what came out! I just can't believe that!" I look at her with the Spock Brow at half mast. She goes on and says, "Who was irritating the shit out of me this morning?" I go, "Really?" She goes, "Yep, 702 straight!" I laugh and say to her "He irritated you and then dropped straight in the very next drawing? Too bad you don't play the midday!" She then shook her head and said "Momma keeps telling me to do midday. Every time y'all get on my nerves it falls in the midday."

We laugh about it and I let her get on to her playing while I busy myself with the sales paper, some well filled jeans and the lottery pamphlet. And whilst in the pamphlet, I discover the payouts that would have happened had she played the bets she just made on that midday.

Turns out that the Michigan Lottery pays $500 for a $1 straight bet on a three digit number. They play $166 on a $1 box bet.

I don't think y'all heard me.

She WOULD have won $666 this afternoon had she played!!!

All this long ass story just to say what I was originally gonna tell you all in this post:

THE LOTTERY IS THE DEBIL!!!!!


Update!!! 7:30 p.m. Guess the hell what?!?!? 207 came out in the damn evening!!! And she didn't play it!!! You know what she said right???

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

Special Guest Blogger Alert!!!!!

Special Guest Blogger Alert!!!

Please do not be alarmed, but Wifey has taken over Second-Sixty Eight's (a.k.a. A Dyssturbed Mined) domain just for today!!!

First let me say hello to all of the wonderful Blog Haremites and any other Blog friends.

But!

Today is the birthday of two very "special" people in my life. And if you are a Haremite or just a regular who stops by on occasion to read some of his stories, then you know our Second-Sixty Eight is something "special" right?

So I thought I would do a really "special" but cute tribute to both of them. I’m going to tell you one of my favorite stories about each of them.

Happy Birthday Honey Bun aka Sweet Lou!!!




Horoscope: Pisces (the fish) Feb.20- Mar. 20
Imaginative, creative, wise, kind and caring, easy-going, romantic, even-tempered, multi-talented, compassionate and *ultra-popular*.

My Favorite Story:

Now Second-Sixty Eight likes to fire his weapon (butt noises) that’s what I call it at night when he has had anything dairy. So this particular night after work, I didn’t feel like cooking dinner and my family decided that they wanted some sliders for dinner. I’m asking them are they sure, so I said okay because White Castles don’t mess with my stomach like it do them. So I order a 30 crave case w/cheese for the kids, three double cheeseburger w/orange drink for me and Second-Sixty Eight orders two double cheeseburger, fish w/cheese and chicken w/cheese. Anyway, that night I was slightly surprised cause no one complained about having bubbles in their stomachs . After a while everybody went to bed. Some hours went by with nobody getting up to go to the bathroom.

(Sidetrack) Now I have this thing where I really can’t stand for him to belch next to me but I’m okay with him firing his weapon. I know that’s dyssturbing on its own.(hahaha)

Now back to the story. So now his weapon is just going off all night long and I’m just laughing when it goes off. So now the next time his weapon went off and boy did it go off. The next thing I heard him sit up in bed and say "What the F@@@!!!!" and he just cussing, fussing and telling me how foul that sh@@ smelled and next time kick me in my a@@ and tell me to take my foul smelling butt to the bathroom. Now I’m just laughing and laughing and he looks at me and said its not funny. But I told him that it is funny to me because you were more offended by your butt going off than me. Then he gets back in bed, rolls over and looks at me and tells me that I have a DYSSTURBED MINED. But we all know the truth don’t we!!!

Happy Birthday Pooh Bear aka My Chocolate Child!!!


Horoscope: Pisces (the fish) Feb.20- Mar. 20
Creative , imaginative, multi-talented, trusting, kind and caring, easy-going, friendly, even-tempered, intuitive and helpful.

My Favorite Stories:

Tache’ has always been my "special" child. Many times someone would tell me that "your baby is climbing out her stroller" at four and five months. She has always done everything early like walking by 6 months, getting her back teeth first at 5 ½ month and potty trained by 7 months.

My favorite story about Tache’ would be the Barney story. So Tache’ and her brother loved everything Barney. We spent much money on Barney stuff like Barney stuffed animals, Barney bedding, Barney underwear, Barney cups, Barney theme birthday’s……. that we were thinking of starting a parents only club called the I Hate That Big Purple Song Stealing Dinosaur Club. But on this day Tache’ and her brother, especially Tache, kept singing that one song. Yes, you know that song if you have children or just have nieces or nephew back in the early 90’s. You know the song has soon has you heard it:

I love you
You love me
We're a happy family
With a great big hug
And kiss from me to you
Won’t you say you love me too.
Okay, let me not get that song stuck in my head. Anyway, like I said she kept singing the song all day and now it was time for Second-Sixty Eight to get in from work. And I always ask him "How was your day honey" and he would tell me how his day went. And before he could ask me how my day went, in comes Tache’ singing this song "I love you, You love me" and Second-Sixty Eight jumps in and says
With a knick-knack paddywhack,
give a dog a bone
This old man came rolling home.
And Tache’ stops and looks at Second-Sixty Eight like he had just committed a serious crime. So Second-Sixty Eight starts to explain that Barney had stole the lyrics from "This Old Man" nursery rhyme. Now Tache’ did not want to believe the story that Second-Sixty Eight was telling her was the truth. So then Tache’ breaks in and tells Second-Sixty Eight in the middle of his explanation she said "But Barney says to share" and walks away singing
I love you
You love me
With a knick-knack paddywhack
Give a dog a bone
Won’t you say you love me too.
All we could do was laugh so hard that tears were coming out of our eyes.


Make Today……About you. For you. Only you.


Happy Birthday Second-Sixty Eight & Tyweezy!!!