Friday, March 20, 2009

Frontin' At The Pondo

My son. Okay he ain't my genes so I won't be TOO embarrassed.

Let me tell you what this... this... person did.

Usually we go out to eat in public and find ourselves somewhat embarrassed. I mean this cat looks like he hasn't had food in ever. I mean messy face and hands. Ranch dressing on the cheeks, hands, sleeves, glasses... You get the drift. Bad enough to the point where my wife will say tight lipped "STOP IT! You act like you ain't never had food before! That is really pissing me off!" Yeah. Tight lipped. Like you say it when you about to fuck somebody up and don't want the whole world to know. I know y'all know it.

So we would tend to lighten the mood a bit by teasing him. "Boy, wait until you get a girlfriend! You probably gonna scare her off the first time y'all go to a restaurant!" And many more like it. He usually looked at us like he really could give a shit. Which of course didn't stop the barbarian behavior.

Jump forward in time. SOMEBODY has a girlfriend. The families agree to meet up. They are from Saginaw and are a couple hours drive away. So when a doctor appointment brings mom to the area, it sets up an opportunity for teen time spent together. And since the family is with her, an opportunity for everybody to meet. So we agree to meet them at a restaurant near their hotel. They pick Ponderosa. I guess we all liked the meatballs and the wing dings.

The day arrives and he is in a funny mood. He goes between elated and irritating... okay irritable. He especially works a nerve when he acts like he don't know the plan and gets more irritating when we don't leave when he wants to go. Completely forgetting that his GF and her fam were out shopping and moved the time back two hours.

As the time went by and he started getting even more irritating, we started to threaten to kill him. Or at least leave his ass at home. In retrospect we wished he had stayed that way because you know how teen age boys get that touchy feely silly love struck puppy thing going? Yeah, that is what we had to deal with from the time he hit the restaurant parking lot until he went to sleep.

So we finally get in and the families meet. He is of course excited. Understandably so. She ain't bad looking and is fairly well configured for a teenager. I guess there is something to be said for Internet Pimpin'! Basically everyone orders the buffet. We sit and jawjack for a few moments. Then me and The Wife get up and go to get our grub on. I guess the rest of them forgot it was a self serve thing... I come back to the table with my meat plate and my side plate (them damn salad plates were small!). Guess what the hell I see run up to the table? A salad!!! Who has it? Mr. Barbarian Man!!! I didn't think that it was unusual considering we do salads all the time. But this sumbitch was acting all funny! He was cutting the damn salad with a knife like it had a damn porterhouse in the middle of it!!! I just looked at him. His mother asked if he was hungry. He said, "Yeah, I'm straight!" Of course that was my que to ask him where his FOOD was. Then his sister and cousin started in on him. We saw he was frontin' his ass off. And we WERE gonna call him on it!!! It got so bad that even his lady love's mother called him out. "We came all the way down here to have dinner with you and all you are gonna eat is a salad?" At which point even he had to laugh. But he stayed in character. Because he still ate that damn salad with that damn knife and fork. Except when his girlfriend went to the powder room. Then he availed himself of a few wing dings. Of course he put the bones on somebody else's plate. When she got back, he was back to the knife, fork and salad.

At least until he got ratted out. Because cousin Dan said to The Wife "Hey cousin! You sure were hungry with all them chicken wings on your plate!" To which The Wife replied "Those aren't mine. D ate those!" At which point everybody busted out laughing since he got informed on by his own mother. But he started acting somewhat normal after that. Somewhat.

Thursday, March 19, 2009

Nasty Muthafucka!!!

I meant to do this one sooner but well... I been procrastinating. Okay, I actually been studying (see Ladylee!).

I was at my Anthropology class. It had just ended and I was on my way home. My wife called me just as I entered the men's room. So I kinda drifted to the business section. I hung back since it was a two handed job and I didn't wanna crowd the two guys there. My wife tends to stay on the phone so the other guys finished up and left. I was all alone. So I drifted over to the urinals. I picked out the one that was going to service my needs.

Sidebar: Urinal etiquette
I have to take this little sidebar to explain the unspoken mantiquette about taking a piss in a public restroom. First a picture...

This is essentially the same setup as the restroom in question. Mantiquette says that if they are all empty, pick one on the edge. Because if someone comes in while you are in mid stream, you don't want him to have to do his thing next to you. In other words leave an empty one between if possible. Usually if the ones on the end are filled, either wait until one frees up, or if you are really pressed, use the middle one. That is how it usually goes.

Returning to the story. At this point I have selected the on on the far end next to the wall. I flushed it to make sure the water was as clean as possible before I did my thing. Don't want no backsplash from other people's wastewater. I don't have the longest arms in the world so I wasn't standing too far away. As I am finishing up my call, I notice this guy walk up into the joint. Now I just knew this dude saw me and had already decided to either use a toilet or the urinal to the right of the picture, as dictated by mantiquette. Imagine my horror when he walked past the first urinal he arrived at (on the right). He stopped to inspect the middle urinal. Now mind you I am within arms reach of the one on the left. This was a breach or mantiquette!

Well... The show didn't stop there. No, no, nonono! This nasty, troll looking, dirty ass, low born, unhometrained, ratty ass muthafucka took it to another level!!! Cause dude took a sidestep to the left!!!! I know y'all already had the picture formed of what things looked like BEFORE he rolled up. So you can imagine what it looked like NOW!!! Y'all remember the Chilisauce move The Time did in during Jungle Love in Purple Rain? @ 2:36 in the video below (I won't take the clip out of the video so you can enjoy the whole thing...)

That's right this sumbitch Cha Cha slid his ass over in front of me! I was close enough to give that muthafucka a damn reacharound!!!

I was so shocked and outdone that I couldn't even hang up the damn phone! I just walked out of the spot and told my wife about his nasty ass! I waited until I got home after that.

I still can't believe that shit!!!

Wednesday, March 18, 2009

What Is It?

Okay so check this out. My wife is an occasional lottery player. In her case the "occasion" is when one of her family members irritates the shit out of her. Of course she oftentimes forgets to do so. So when the numbers come on those days, we hear "Dammit! I knew I should have played today! Look what came out!" What comes out is usually one of our birthdays or one of the kids' birth weights.

Today is no exception. For some reason the boy likes to lay around and be late for school. I say this because,

  • The car is supposed to leave the house at 7:20 daily.
  • I get up at 7:12 this morning (because weather and traffic is on the 2's)
  • I see his ass in his damn jammies.
  • I jump in my clothes, ret to go and see him still half dressed.
  • I ask, "Dog been out? Cleaned up after? What your sister doing?" the usual...
  • I get "no, no, she in the shower I think"
  • The wife gets them up @ 6:30 so they get almost an hour to SS&S.
  • Why everybody ain't clean, ready and maybe even fed (including the dog) by 7:15 I don't know.
  • I get tired of waiting of them and, as usual, I go out to the car first. @ 7:35.
  • They finally drag ass out to the car @ 7:40 which is the same exact time his ass is supposed to be in class.
  • They both conveniently walk right out the door and don't bother to lock the sumbitch.
  • So I ask why.
  • For those of you who have kids, you already know what the answer was...
  • For those who don't, they said "My key is in the house. I was in a hurry to get out here" Huh... Ironic isn't it? Hurry? AFTER we are VERY late?
  • So they both get up and go back in to get their keys.
  • HE comes back out and says "Mommy told me to stay home"
  • I ask why?
  • He shrugs
  • My phone rings. The wife from inside.
  • She says "he might as well stay home since he is so late. But he gonna clean his ass off today"
  • I um... kindly... remind her that "neither one of us will be at home today and there is no reason at all for his ass to miss school since he was the one dragging ass this morning"
  • She says "You know he is gonna get Saturday School for this" Saturday School being weekend detention for folk with multiple tardies. Usually his sister's fault...
  • I say "Yep. But if he gets tired of doing it then he will get up and make sure his sister is moving her ass along so he can get there on time."
  • She agrees and sends his evil late ass back out to the car.
I will stop the bullets now. They were probably irritating by now. Thanks Dr. Fitzgibbons! I am now bullet pointing like crazy! (My Business Presentations class)

Anyway, fast forward to later in the day after she got her hair done. Now she feeling pretty again and all. We stop at the store to grab a few items. She walks up to the lottery counter because she remembers something that she wanted to play. Guess what I hear. Yep, you guessed it... "Dammit! Look what came out! I just can't believe that!" I look at her with the Spock Brow at half mast. She goes on and says, "Who was irritating the shit out of me this morning?" I go, "Really?" She goes, "Yep, 702 straight!" I laugh and say to her "He irritated you and then dropped straight in the very next drawing? Too bad you don't play the midday!" She then shook her head and said "Momma keeps telling me to do midday. Every time y'all get on my nerves it falls in the midday."

We laugh about it and I let her get on to her playing while I busy myself with the sales paper, some well filled jeans and the lottery pamphlet. And whilst in the pamphlet, I discover the payouts that would have happened had she played the bets she just made on that midday.

Turns out that the Michigan Lottery pays $500 for a $1 straight bet on a three digit number. They play $166 on a $1 box bet.

I don't think y'all heard me.

She WOULD have won $666 this afternoon had she played!!!

All this long ass story just to say what I was originally gonna tell you all in this post:


Update!!! 7:30 p.m. Guess the hell what?!?!? 207 came out in the damn evening!!! And she didn't play it!!! You know what she said right???

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

Special Guest Blogger Alert!!!!!

Special Guest Blogger Alert!!!

Please do not be alarmed, but Wifey has taken over Second-Sixty Eight's (a.k.a. A Dyssturbed Mined) domain just for today!!!

First let me say hello to all of the wonderful Blog Haremites and any other Blog friends.


Today is the birthday of two very "special" people in my life. And if you are a Haremite or just a regular who stops by on occasion to read some of his stories, then you know our Second-Sixty Eight is something "special" right?

So I thought I would do a really "special" but cute tribute to both of them. I’m going to tell you one of my favorite stories about each of them.

Happy Birthday Honey Bun aka Sweet Lou!!!

Horoscope: Pisces (the fish) Feb.20- Mar. 20
Imaginative, creative, wise, kind and caring, easy-going, romantic, even-tempered, multi-talented, compassionate and *ultra-popular*.

My Favorite Story:

Now Second-Sixty Eight likes to fire his weapon (butt noises) that’s what I call it at night when he has had anything dairy. So this particular night after work, I didn’t feel like cooking dinner and my family decided that they wanted some sliders for dinner. I’m asking them are they sure, so I said okay because White Castles don’t mess with my stomach like it do them. So I order a 30 crave case w/cheese for the kids, three double cheeseburger w/orange drink for me and Second-Sixty Eight orders two double cheeseburger, fish w/cheese and chicken w/cheese. Anyway, that night I was slightly surprised cause no one complained about having bubbles in their stomachs . After a while everybody went to bed. Some hours went by with nobody getting up to go to the bathroom.

(Sidetrack) Now I have this thing where I really can’t stand for him to belch next to me but I’m okay with him firing his weapon. I know that’s dyssturbing on its own.(hahaha)

Now back to the story. So now his weapon is just going off all night long and I’m just laughing when it goes off. So now the next time his weapon went off and boy did it go off. The next thing I heard him sit up in bed and say "What the F@@@!!!!" and he just cussing, fussing and telling me how foul that sh@@ smelled and next time kick me in my a@@ and tell me to take my foul smelling butt to the bathroom. Now I’m just laughing and laughing and he looks at me and said its not funny. But I told him that it is funny to me because you were more offended by your butt going off than me. Then he gets back in bed, rolls over and looks at me and tells me that I have a DYSSTURBED MINED. But we all know the truth don’t we!!!

Happy Birthday Pooh Bear aka My Chocolate Child!!!

Horoscope: Pisces (the fish) Feb.20- Mar. 20
Creative , imaginative, multi-talented, trusting, kind and caring, easy-going, friendly, even-tempered, intuitive and helpful.

My Favorite Stories:

Tache’ has always been my "special" child. Many times someone would tell me that "your baby is climbing out her stroller" at four and five months. She has always done everything early like walking by 6 months, getting her back teeth first at 5 ½ month and potty trained by 7 months.

My favorite story about Tache’ would be the Barney story. So Tache’ and her brother loved everything Barney. We spent much money on Barney stuff like Barney stuffed animals, Barney bedding, Barney underwear, Barney cups, Barney theme birthday’s……. that we were thinking of starting a parents only club called the I Hate That Big Purple Song Stealing Dinosaur Club. But on this day Tache’ and her brother, especially Tache, kept singing that one song. Yes, you know that song if you have children or just have nieces or nephew back in the early 90’s. You know the song has soon has you heard it:

I love you
You love me
We're a happy family
With a great big hug
And kiss from me to you
Won’t you say you love me too.
Okay, let me not get that song stuck in my head. Anyway, like I said she kept singing the song all day and now it was time for Second-Sixty Eight to get in from work. And I always ask him "How was your day honey" and he would tell me how his day went. And before he could ask me how my day went, in comes Tache’ singing this song "I love you, You love me" and Second-Sixty Eight jumps in and says
With a knick-knack paddywhack,
give a dog a bone
This old man came rolling home.
And Tache’ stops and looks at Second-Sixty Eight like he had just committed a serious crime. So Second-Sixty Eight starts to explain that Barney had stole the lyrics from "This Old Man" nursery rhyme. Now Tache’ did not want to believe the story that Second-Sixty Eight was telling her was the truth. So then Tache’ breaks in and tells Second-Sixty Eight in the middle of his explanation she said "But Barney says to share" and walks away singing
I love you
You love me
With a knick-knack paddywhack
Give a dog a bone
Won’t you say you love me too.
All we could do was laugh so hard that tears were coming out of our eyes.

Make Today……About you. For you. Only you.

Happy Birthday Second-Sixty Eight & Tyweezy!!!