Releasing Unshed Tears

I come to you today in a rather different mood than usual. I told myself that I was gonna stop coming here until I had something worthy of your time. Posting on the regular about the same old complaints is no way to treat the folk you don't hate. So I took a step back to work some stuff out. Of course some have found that I have filled that space with a bunch of time on Facebook. That time was well spent when not on Farmville or Mafia Wars. There I am reconnecting and engaging people more than ever before. I have even found a bit of clarity. I got there in no small part to Brother Brown Blogger. I am not sure he even realizes how much. Yet the struggle continues. I have yet the achieve the comfort level necessary to return here full time. I guess I feel now that time spent blogging could be time spent job searching. So I only show up occasionally these days...

As I said though, I come to you today in a rather different mood than usual. I thought I was keeping it together and everything was cool. I was lying to myself. I feel a hot damn blubbering mess. I feel that way because death has visited my family three times in the last 11 days. Three. As I said, I thought I was okay. But then I have realized that the memorial blog posts haven't been written. They aren't in draft. And tears were unshed. I guess I could blame my mood on a case of S.A.D.q and some Maxwell song lyrics, but that just don't cut it for my satisfaction.

I guess the whole life and death thing becomes very magnified at such an unusual time. Here one day, gone the next. Very philosophical and yet a very real and pressing issue. Makes you question things. If I were suddenly removed from this existence, how would it affect people? As it stands, right now my father's line would not continue through me. My wife's load would not be eased because disposing of my remains would fall on her and whatever family members who could help. These two things keep me awake at night. I am pretty comfortable with the rest of my legacy I guess. I have loved as best I can. I have taught as well as I could when I could. I have been as good a person as I could be (for the most part).

I guess there is a lot of pent up frustration along with a lot of sadness. That is the only thing that explains to me why a song had me losing control of my tear ducts and emotions. I guess thinking about the possible meanings of Pretty Wings and people being gone and the state of health and the fleeting nature of life opened the flood gates. I have had an opportunity to get up and move out into the world since I started this post. I have a little more perspective on the whole incident. And I am cool with what happened and why.

I guess my reaction was a bit delayed because of where I am in my life. The usual anger at not having any more chances was not there as much. There is still a little bit there. Being housebound, I couldn't get to see my Uncle Jack during his last days. But we spent much quality time before his last sickness. And I drunk a my fair share of his wine an was exposed to a bit more world culture than if he was not around. Hell, I might just do something unlike me and blaze one up on his behalf. It was one of his favorite hobbies. My Uncle Ronald I haven't seen in a bit. He been absent and such and we haven't run across each other. I regret that I didn't make it to his baby boy's funeral a couple of months back. As a result, I missed another opportunity with him... And I never got to know my cousin's husband really. They moved to Texas a while back. But she is extremely dear to me and sweet as pie. So I feel that loss more for her than for me.

I guess I will continue to worry until I can leave a little security blanket around for my wife. And I won't be all the way done with being here until I have left heirs for my family and the world. But I feel better now that I have shed some of those tears. I acknowledge that there is more love to be spread. There are more moments to share. There is still time to spend with those who are still here.

In fact I am gonna spend a little more time with the little visitor that is here right now. She finds nothing more hilarious than to run like mad and getting in my computer chair when she sees that I am not in it. Guess I gotta sit through some Beyonce and Ciara videos now...

p.s. Hassan, don't think I don't see the irony in me being on this side of this conversation today...