52 at Fifty: Week 5

So I met my newest Great-nephew today. I swear it was like holding my father on my lap. Actually he is a combination of my father and his big sister. But mostly Dad is the experience you get when looking at him. And strangely enough it was a happy and sad experience at the same time. Nothing is wrong with nephew. Let's get that out of the way. But I was happy because there is a new one. A whole new little person to spoil and interact with.
And it means I kinda get to see what my dad, and to an extent me, looks like growing up. The sadness came when I was drawing parallels between the two. The same haircut, the same facial expressions, the same gestures. I guess it was the gestures that got me. Him doing baby things at baby speeds. Dad now also does some of those same gestures at baby speed. That last realization was a little bittersweet.

Nothing like dealing with aging and your parent's mortality to zoom your mind in on the problems you yourself are experiencing and that you really don't have that long before that is your own experience. In fact, I had spent a couple of hours with him a few days prior. He was about to climb the walls. He has been in rehab lately. I haven't really been available to him because of schedule changes and transportation issues. I feel bad because he really could use the company. But adulting happens to those of us who chose to grow up. The biggest problem is that the person who runs the switchboard leaves at 8 p.m.  My own process usually runs into the nine or ten o'clock hours on the regular.  So I am not usually settled down enough to talk.  This tends to cause conflict with my conflicts.  I am going to make an effort to be available a little earlier in the day. The schedule is somewhat hectic now that I am running on three different schedules during the week.  But time is one thing that is not on my side here.

I need to do better.  For the past and the future.