A Dyssturbed New York Adventure: Prologue

Heads up New York! I'm on my way next week!!!

Not sure exactly what that means outside of my reason for going.

But I shall find out as it happens!

For now, that is all!

Lights and tunnels

In life we often find ourselves in a dark place. We get there for a variety of reasons. What we end up with is usually a gigantic stress sammich! And just as often we don’t realize that the dark place is a tunnel. We trudge and trudge through life. We go here and there. One day we look up and find that we don’t exactly know where we are going. This is not to say that we don’t know where we want to go. It’s just that we can get a little lost. We find ourselves detached from the sun that provides energy for growth and warmth. So we stagnate. We grow cold. Not knowing what else to do, we keep trudging on. After a while we will realize that there are only two ways to go in the darkness. We could go back. But going back often means choosing stagnation. It also means quitting. Some do. Then there are those of us who are stubborn and refuse to quit. We realize that we are indeed in a tunnel and choose to go forward.

Of course the problem with tunnels is that they tend to be dark and by definition, enclosed. We discover we are in them when in the process of trudging through life, we run into the walls. Eventually we get our bearings and keep it moving. We walk with the purpose of leaving the tunnel. The end goal is to return ourselves to the sun which has nurtured us and given us the energy to grow. So we trudge in the darkness. Forward or backward we move in the hope of seeing some change in the darkness. We look for that change as a sign that our journey through the tunnel is nearly over.

For those who go back, the light means sameness. Sameness as in the same old shit, every day. This is also known as stuck in a rut. Folk get stuck for a variety of reasons. Some choose to take the “default package”. That is taking whatever you can get for the absolute minimum of inputs. Often this is what those who complain about welfare recipients are talking about. Some get stuck because they try, but can’t get any traction. Often this appears to be someone moon walking in place. And there are others who by no means want the “default package”, but are bound by outside forces and can’t make the desired progress because it would be counterproductive. It’s kinda like being in the deep end of a half full pool while rescuing a person who can’t swim. You could save yourself but the other person would definitely drown. I could go on with many more examples but they are outside the scope of this post.

What is in the scope of this post are two main points.

First is that most people don’t care about the circumstances of YOUR plight as long as they have a convenient container of blame to drop you into. Usually it is the assumption that folk are trying to get all of the handouts they can possibly hope for (the “default package”). Often it is quite the opposite. Most people would choose to not be dependent on handouts if they could avoid it. The silly part of it all is that most of us need to make decisions that set up our future at the time when we are the least capable of making such long range decisions. To my experience there are VERY FEW 18 year olds who are ready to be a) financially independent, b) career tracked, c) parents, d) responsible. There may be some who may be one (or two) of the above but generally speaking most are not. So a lot of bad decisions are made at the time when a lot of our best decisions NEED to be made. And these decisions tend to follow us for QUITE a while. And because of this, ruts happen. Other things in life happen that also side track those who did plan ahead. So ruts happen. And they are hard to get out of because usually the things that you need and don’t have are the things that got you there in the first place.

The second point says simply: The light at the end of the tunnel is not always a train. Sometimes you just find that sunlight that you were looking to regain the whole time. My entire household was recently walking a tunnel in group mode. The kids were trying to ride the path of the “default package”. They turned it around and got back in school, one even has employment. They decided to move forward after realizing that walking back would only get them the nothing that they had before. I eagerly await their emergence from the tunnel. The Wife is no longer moonwalking. She has found the kind of traction that having a husband with a G.O.O.D. (Get Out Of Debt) job (with benefits) brings. Now she is able to plan more and worry less because she is no longer fighting a losing financial battle. For my own part, I was able to pass my mother on to other rescuers and was able to worry about getting myself out of the pool. This in turn turned me into a rescue with my wife keeping me from drowning. Fortunately for us both, our new employers gave us life preservers and are filling the pool so we can climb out on our own.

I may or may not include audio or video for this post. In case I don’t, I am sure that a smart bunch such as you can find access to my new theme song.

Golden by Jill Scott.

Relative Value

This post contains bitching, whining and moaning. If you ain't up for it, I would understand an early exit by you.

These days I am in the unenviable position of... well... being unenviable. For a number of reasons.

Seems the world likes to stamp "Can't do no right" on my forehead on a daily basis. I may just be paranoid but it seems to come from everywhere. I say this because, try as I might, I just can't seem to make anything I devote my efforts to work out.

Job searching has been relatively fruitful yet extremely frustrating. I say RELATIVELY because I have gotten more contacts in the last 30 days than I have in the same number of months. Yet is is frustrating. You know the kind of thing where you get thrown a bone and hit upside the head with an even bigger bone? So far, I have been submitted for three different opportunities and gotten the "Your skill set looks nice, but we think that those skills are a bit rusty. The client isn't gonna want to pay what you are looking for." Fine. I understand the way things go. And I can understand how that might be important for skills in a more dynamic setting. But really, the stuff I do hasn't changed much in a couple of decades. In fact the great majority of folk in my industry think that this stuff is old, outdated and needs to go the way of the dinosaur. In fact, a large portion of the practitioners in the skills I have are nearing retirement age.
(oh dang. Another rejection letter just this minute... Niiiccceeee!!!!)
Where was I? Um... Ah! Yes. So since my skills are probably rustier than a Model T sitting in an old barn, I am told that I want too much. What I want is not even what the market price is. Or for that matter, not even what I made before. But still, that is up to $10,000 more than they want to offer. And that is without a benefits package. I of course am willing to do this because 1) it is a lot more than I am getting now. 2) it will bring my skills current. 3) it will end my extended staycation and give me something to do with my days that won't inspire me to pull my damn thinning ass hair out! (I hope). 4) a momentary sacrifice to be more attractive in the future is only smart business. What do I get told AFTER I give the go ahead to get me in? I get "I don't want to get your hopes up. But that gap is gonna make it hard." WOW!!! So now because there has been virtually NO opportunity for me to stay current (it ain't like I got a mainframe in the basement, them things COST!) I am not even worthy of an offer that a brand spanking new college graduate would get (with benefits)??? I am really tempted to get into more debt, get some sexier and newer skills and leave this mainframe shit alone. If I gotta start at square one, might as well do it with something with a better future. Let them deal with their coming resource shortage without me. BTW, even Wal-Mart don't want me. For anything... SMH...

Of course that translates to other things as well. My overworked wife keeps complaining about being "tired of being the only one to come up with ways to fix stuff" To be fair to her position, I SHOULD be helping out more (AKA paycheck). Now this be a double edged sword to be sure. I could continue to concentrate on trying to fix the problems (leveraging my rusty skills, where I have experience). Or I could stop that (apparent) pipe dream and concentrate on "helping" out (minimum wage job, likely food service or something like that (which I have yet to convince anyone that I am the right candidate)). Path A hasn't worked yet, but is likely to get things squared away a bit sooner. Path B also hasn't worked yet, and is unlikely to make much of a difference but MAY be easier to accomplish. Path C requires more debt and investment to acquire new skills to make A and B unnecessary. Of course it means money goes out and not in. Path D quite frankly is a lot more lonely and in the end only benefits me, yet may be counterproductive and even self-destructive.

Oh and the major problem I am having with that whole "tired of being the only one to come up with ways to fix stuff"complaint is that I am the only one to hear it. Never mind that there are THREE other adult residents in this house who are lacking jobs and completed educations living up in here. And usually there are long term visitors that can come and hang and suck up very limited resources and she is cool with all that! Yet I am the only one who seems to be even attempting to improve the situation.

Unfortunately the one thing I don't have is money. Seems to be the only thing that matters. Never mind that I am trying to add another bread winner to the fold. Forget the fact that I try to do the house husband thing since it is one of the major things I can do to help until I can get money. Put aside the idea that I am trying to limit the effects of erosion to relationships and resources. Discount the fact that I worry about her more than I do myself. Ignore the words that say that her family helps us more than mine does (more on that in another post). AND it isn't even worth mentioning that I am in probably the worst possible position I can see myself in without my health going further down hill, being incarcerated and/or actually being homeless. The big thing seems to be I don't got no check. Oh, and I seem to give bad advice since no one wants to listen even though I tell folk in great detail, what is coming if they continue to do what they are doing...

Needless to say, I am not feeling a lot of love for being a person or having feelings. I sometimes wonder what things would be like if I had a fat paycheck and didn't do shit else but but provide for things that money can purchase. Yeah, I got that rent. Your Navigator payment is in on time. I will bling ya. All the purses and shoes you can handle. Y'all want video games and unlimited groceries and all the toilet paper you can wipe them unlimited groceries off with? Heat lights, water, cable, gear? I got ya! BUT you gotta rub your own damn feet, hold yourself when you need comforting, get your relationship advice from the internet, teach your own damn self how to cook or pretty much anything else you need to know. Look for the check, just don't look for me. I'll be at work, or "working late." Would that make the world better?

At times I think I am being overly cynical with that. Other times I am afraid to even think about what that answer might be. It saddens me greatly to think about my value being about what I can buy for people rather than what I can do for them.

I strive for some balance. I would like to do both. I would like to do it all. But right now I can't, so I do what I can. Somehow that just ain't enough. Sometimes I wonder if this is all worth it.

Mostly because (again) It saddens me greatly to think about my value being about what I can buy for people rather than what I can do for them.

(Now I remember why I started this little space. To talk to folk who are not the people I bitch about. Mostly to get some understanding. Or virtual bitch slapping when warranted. Either way I get outside perspective. There is still a lot unsaid so this might be kinda random. As usual, comment if you feel)

Elation, Pain and Suffering.

Yesterday I literally could have killed somebody. Likely somebody at Ford. Or somebody in a Ford.

The backstory?

Well, I finally got a good contact for a little cheddar again. I mean a REALLY good contact. You know the kind where the recruiter starts sounding REALLY excited because they are about to make a mint off of your ass? Anyway, I had this really good conversation with this recruiter who had a really good feeling that she could get me in this position. I even played the gracious candidate where I threw her a good in-the-range rate and THEN compromised MORE to make prospects look even sweeter. She got as happy as I did. And I got pretty happy as hard as I tried not to. Probably because SHE sounded like she was gonna make bank too!

Lemme pause for a moment to hip y'all to the contract game, if ya don't already know.
Contract houses get job openings from their clients. Their job is to do the marketing and vett the personnel. They of course don't do this for free. In IT, it is not unusual for the contract house to make as much as, if not more than the actual talent. So if you ask for say $30 per hour, the contract house will probably ask the client for $60 per hour. You work at the client, you work for the contract house. The client does not have to pay benefits or worry about extra employees when the work is done. The contractor gets a higher rate in exchange for the lack of benefits or job security. The contract house basically double dips. They get paid for marketing and providing talent AND get a cut for getting the contractor the work. Everybody's happy!!!

Okay, fast forward to Monday. I make the obligatory and necessary follow-up contact. Me being full of hope was hoping to hear "Still thinking about it". NO!!! No such luck. I get "For some reason they put the position on HOLD!!!" WTF? ON HOLD?!?!?!?!?!?!? Now all of a sudden either there is no work or they aren't sure? On Friday the client was being picky. For those who don't understand why I am outraged, I will explain further.

Excitement on the part of the recruiter means that recruiter sees themselves getting another bonus. Which means that the candidate is a near slam dunk for the job. Expectations were high (I know I shouldn't have...) The putting a job "on hold" is the HR version of the pocket veto. Kinda like taking the job off of the market without actually taking it off the market.

What that all means is...

Essentially I just got it with no vaseline

The Verge of an Epiphany. Or a Dawning Realization...

Sometimes in life you come to the realization that you had things right all along. but for some reason you decided to change up, probably to get along with folk better. But I am realizing I had it right way back when I was a kid. But to be more social, I started talking to people. I thought it to be the right thing. But at times it doesn't feel right. Likely because I waste life doing so. I have lately been finding myself less willing to engage in conversations because I tire of the ill use of my time on this planet.
This is A Boondocks Example of how things go at times.

Another example is a recent conversation with my son.
Him: I guess I am not appealing to women.
Me: Um. Do you mind being a little more specific so that we BOTH know what we are talking about?
Him: She (his girlfriend) said that she didn't think I would look right buff and now she changed her mind.
Me: Why?
Him: I saw a comment she made on Facebook about one of her friends. He was all buff and she said "Lookin' good!!!" So now she thnks I would look okay buffed up.
Me: ... (I can imagine you know what I am thinking...)
Him: I guess I don't understand women.
Me: No man really does.
Him: But why?
Me: Okay. Pay close attention. I am gonna tell you, and it's important.
Him: Okay.
Me: They are all crazy!
Him: But why?
Me: Why is it important for you to know why they are crazy?
Him: I guess so I can figure them out.
Me: Trust me, you won't. All you need to do is accept that they are crazy and then you will be able to adjust to things properly.
Him: That doesn't help much.
Me: It will, you just have to spend a little time working it out in your mind.
Him: Ah forget it. I don't really care what she does any more. mumble, mumble, mumble (as he is walking off)
Me: Hold up! That's it? You just walk off in the middle of the convo?
Him: I thought we were done?
Me: Really? How did you get that idea? Did we agree that everything was said? Or one of us said that we were done?
Him: No. But I said I don't care any more so I thought we were done.
Me: You saying that was expressing a thought. It wasn't us ending the conversation.
Him: I thought it did...
Me: I take it YOU are done.
Him: Yeah, I don't wanna talk about it.
Me: Fine! I mean it is rude as hell to walk the hell off when somebody is talking to you. Especially when YOU started it. Ask some damn body else the next time you need advice!

Needless to say that I learned more from this conversation than he did.

Yet another example:
My wife's sister finally got hitched. We thought it never would happen so I only really started believing it after BOTH said "I Do". Now if you even halfway get along with your sister, this would be one of the happiest days in your life. Especially if you were IN the wedding. At least that is my perspective on it. And this is whether or not the sister is being a bridezilla. Yet on this very happy day, my wife is in tears. The next day when I asked her why I was walking around pissed off without being aware of the ACTUAL reason, she replies "nothing". Hmm... two lies in one. Obviously "nothing" is not the problem. And a lie of omission at the same time. So now I get really pissed at her. She was willing to drop some not so veiled references to what was on her mind at the reception and on the ride home. Yet when asked about it, I get "nothing". I get that answer often when I ask her what is bothering her. I am on the verge of not asking any more since it is a waste of my life.

What I can gather is that some foul shit was said to her during her time with the bridal party especially in the previous week (the wedding was on Saturday). Knowing them, a lot of it was about me. This to me is mind boggling since:

1. I treat her family better than they treat me.
2. I treat her family better than she treats mine.
3. The stuff that they supposedly don't like me for are bad things that happen to my life and not actually bad things that I am doing to her.
   

So. I guess I better start listening to the eight year old in me and keep my damn mouth shut, stay to myself and give back only what I get from folks. I am not predicting that it will make things better. For that matter, I don't believe that it will make things worse.

BUT it will keep me from wasting time talking to folk who don't want to hear what I have to say. No matter how bad it may go for them...

Summer Madness

I love the summer. Yesterday I realized that the days are only gonna get shorter until the first day of Winter. That depressed me slightly because it means... well the hell with what it means. I don't wanna depress myself anymore. But I am sure you all can figure it out yourself.

But I do love the summer. Sure, it gets hot as hell. But I don't have to move snow. Or freeze. And it is generally easier to stay cool than it is to stay warm.

More importantly I can ride my bike in the summer. Just me and my machine. It's performance is fixed, mine varies. Which is to say that I am what determines how well we work as a unit. I like that. Glory, mediocrity, disappointment, they are all up to me. Which way the adventure lies. How far it goes. How long it takes. Me, Me, ME! For a lot longer than I sometimes care to admit, it is my happy place. Adventure and solitude in one package. Some days it is the only freedom I have left. I could go on for a while, but I won't.

Why? Because if you are familiar with the bicycle concept you know the truth in the next statement. I shall free my mind and my ass will follow. Quite literally and somewhat figuratively.

More plainly, I am telling you that I am getting my ass the hell up out of this chair and putting it on my saddle. Right now I could use some freedom. I spend all kinds of time in this chair that winter traps me into. No use in staying locked up on purpose when there is a better choice.

Catch ya on the flip...

It Occurs To Me...

...that Grouchy Smurf had the right idea.

...that I am not always the nicest person.

...that I am just fine with the above a lot of days.

...that because of the above, the one two above exists.

...that I am losing my voice, and that is why I don't exercise it here much any more.

...that my desire for change is getting so strong that it is somehow interfering with that change.

...that depression is a very powerful force.

...that people generally just don't give a shit until they have to deal with something on some level.

...that we need two or three more good political parties, because the Democrats AND the Republicans need to be the minority part at the same time. Maybe then they will help each other pull their heads out of their asses.

...that during the summer that I am rediscovering the joys of cycling, a legend is likely summing up his career by becoming a sidekick to his sidekick, all because of a crash. Lance, this beer is for you! And here's hoping that Levi can make up those two minutes and small change before Bastille Day!

...that no one really cares what goes on here anymore.

...that the above is likely true because I don't seem to care.

...that the above is NOT true because time, access and guilt keep me away.

...that one can indeed type quite accurately and complete a thought while reading the insides of your eyelids.

...that the guilt is creeping back. Guess I better get back to what I am supposed to be doing.

...that it ain't gonna happen tonight because I keep nodding off and trying to fall the hell out of this chair!

...that there was a bunch of other stuff that I was gonna say but the bed is drowning out my voice with it's call.

...that I still got love for ya, and I am sending it out to you now!

Good night and have an interesting series of tomrorrows...

25 Shots to the Dome: A Headphone Experience

Played randomly from the playlist...
Sing along if you know the words...

Ay, Yo Doug!
What?
Put ya Bally's on
Yo Rick I was about to, but I need a shoehorn...
Why?
Because these shoes always hurt my corns!

It's got to be real
Girl, I could write a book on how you making me feel
I know I'll never find
Another who could match the love you're giving to me
So...

DAVE!  The dope fiend, shootin' dope
Who don't know the meaning of water nor soap!

Would you mind?
If I touched,
if I kiss,
If I held you tight
In the morning light , yeah?

When I feel you dreaming
I think of sunsets
How high my high gets

Got to be there
Be there, in the morning
When he says hello to the world

But did you know
That when it snows
My eyes become large and
The light that you shine can be seen

They say time can heal a broken heart
And true love never ends
So why not start where we began

Here we go
Walking the road of ecstasy
Taking the load
Of this whole world off our shoulders
The door is wide open for you
The door is open for me

You think that you're in love with me
I think you're beautiful and should be free
I'M JUST A YOUNG MAN GOT LOTS OF TIME
Right now that kind of thing isn't on my mind

Tell ya people that Im comin by (Yeah Yeah),
Got that shit that'll get ya high (I'm on my way),
Talkin' shit cuz I'm off tonight,
and you really got me feelin' right

Where were you, when I said I loved you
And where were you, when I cried at night
Waiting up, couldn't sleep without you
Thinking of, all the times we shared

Let me lay it on the line
I got a little freakiness inside
And you know that the man
Has got to deal with it
I don't care what they say
I'm not about to pay nobody's way
'Cause it's all about the dog in me 

And cant belive
You hurtin me
I met your gurl what a difference,
What you see in her you
You ain't seen in me
But i guess it was all just make-believe

Grandma's hands clapped to church on Sunday mornings
Grandma's hands played the tambourine so well
Grandma's hands used to issue out a warning

For a while to love was all we could do
We were young and we knew
And our eyes were alive
Deep inside we knew our love was true
For a while we paid no mind to the past
We knew love would last
Evry night somethin right
Would invite us to begin the dance

Pretty brown eyes
You know I see you
It's a disguise the way you treat me


Now, Im craving your body,
Is this real
Temperatures rising, I dont want to feel
Im in the wrong place to be real

I heard he sang a good song, I heard he had a style
And so I came to see him to listen for a while
And there he was this young boy, a stranger to my eyes

Sometimes a girl
Will come and go
You reach for love
But life wont let ya know
That in the end
You'll still be lovin' her
But then she's gone
You're all alone

Baby seems like everywhere I go
I see you, from your eyes, your smile
It's like I breathe you, helplessly I reminisce
Don't want to compare nobody to you


You are my light, I have to go on
Have me anyway you want to
Just take care and love me
Til my tension's gone

Trashmen didn't get my trash today
Oh, why? Because they want more pay
Buses on strike want a raise in fare
So they can help pollute the air

When I first saw you Babe
You were lookin' good on Soul Train. (OH!)
Keep stalkin' for you, I saw you there
You were spinnin', dancin' everywhere
I thought to myself
She was so fine
The ways she moved
So freakishly
So was so divine
I thought that
Hey Babe
What she needs is me

Whatcha gonna do?
You can do it too!
The TURBO!!!
Five, six, seven, eight
Right, right, right
Left, left, left
Right, left, kick, kick, knee, knee 
bend down and roooollllll!!!!
On the real, I better get on this,  Wedding is coming soon!


And my own personal favorite as a bonus:


My favorite thing
Next to looking into your eyes
Is making love with you (mmm hmm)
Another one of my favorite things
Next to holding you so so tight
Is squeezing you all night (oh yeah)
Well don't you know that holding you, squeezing you, loving you
is my favorite thing

401 And Beyond

Hey! Yeah, I know. Shocking! Four posts in one week!!! I don't know what is wrong with me!

That aside and now that I finally got 400 out of the way, I shall push forward.

There have been thoughts that I have been putting to "paper" during the hiatus. I told myself that I wasn't gonna post that kinda stuff no more because you didn't come here to be depressed or listen to me complain. HOWEVER, I see the error in my ways. And I am inspired to come to you via pirate internet! That kind of motivation forces me to get back to basics. I gotta go old school on ya. So you get it all.

That said, I will be organizing those thoughts and posting them. Posting for several reasons which I won't bore you with. And I am sure you can assume some yourself...

But there are five (right now) posts that I am working on finishing. When done they will be mass uploaded and posted on at least five consecutive days... Don't feel bad if you wanna skip them. I won't. Because I must write and these fall in that category of posts that are "audience optional". They will be in similar format and share the same label as this post. Correction, SIX posts! Just thought of another... Don't know for sure how soon they will be up or if they are even next in line. But they are coming... Just read the label

POST 400!!!!

Yep.

400!

Something special.

Mmmm Hmmmm....

Wrote a song about it!
Like to hear it?
Here it go!




Sun-shine



Blue Skies

It's a wonderful daaaayyyyyy!!!!



Post Four Hunned is here now!



On the twelfth of Maaaayyyyyyyy!!!!! (of 2010!)

Hey! I could have been worse! I could have lazy blogged and you would have had to LISTEN to this instead...

Now that that madness is out of the way... Back to the regularly scheduled madness and rantings! Which shall include renewing the blog list, thinking about another (or no) background, and getting back on schedule (at least ONCE a week)! Peace!!!

Post 399

Wow. Can't believe I actually arrived here. The post before my fourth Post X00. Brings me to a little reflection. Having... no, PUBLISHING 400 separate streams of thought was not necessarily in the plan when I started. A few false starts. A couple of notable “breaks” and here I am. To be honest though, I thought that post would have been done and gone over a year ago. What can I say? Shit happens, usually to you. But I find that I need this little activity in my life. Even when I ain't got a damn thing to say.

Um... Yeah. This is one of those times. You know like when you pick up the phone and call someone and say I just called to talk and breathe into the phone most of the time. Hey it is a slow news day. My playoff beard was saved from an early shaving last night by the score of 7-1. And Tigers games on the radio will never ever be the same again.

BUT! I did notice one thing. I have been a little bit lazy about closing the blinds at night. So when I sit here There is a blackness backing my monitor that is occasionally interrupted by some other lighting source. It helps me concentrate. Gets me thinking. Which has gotten me writing again. And it never hurts when the lady in the house behind mine shows up in the kitchen at night in her “lady beaters”. Still ain't sure what her ethnicity is, but I know what I like.

And today I feel kinda good. A couple of half and unexpected surprises have allowed us to take a step forward. And it wasn't even anything that important. But still, forward. That was enough to lift my spirits above the cold, rainy, tornado watch weather in Southeastern Michigan on May 7, 2010.

Well, I guess I better stop here and think about the next post. Right now, I have absolutely no idea of the subject, theme, look, feel or any damn thing else that might make it up. But I gotta come up with something special. My 3.5 fans are important you know!!!

Reblog 2010 pt. ?

You know, I am sitting here wondering if this is yet another post that I write that I will not publish. Several times over the last few months, I have gone dumpster diving in the lost and found. Trying to find writing again. I look over the other stuff I have thought about this year. In various stages of development. I planned a whole series, with a theme. Weeks have gone by since then. I have not the will to continue them. And don't at all feel bad about that. I had a conversation with a fellow blogger about the state of blogging in our lives. At that time we both had a few distractions going on. There was a bit of new commonality that we shared. Not necessarily good this time. We were feeling that we were telling the same stories as we had before. Had nothing new to contribute to the community at large. As such, he said he was really thinking about quitting and his post of three days prior was his last. I hadn't updated in months myself. Of course that is somewhat hard to do when you are unaccessed. Then again, I am different too. Yet with nothing to report. You know Same Shit Different Day and such. I think that is why I have trouble finishing these now. Recently I seem to have fallen into a rut. Kinda good, kinda bad. Good because there was some let up in the crushing stress of the household. Bad because that let up allowed me to relax. I wake up every day and feel some measure of joy that things aren't worse. Joy that things aren't as bad as the same day last month. Yet there is always that dread that things will surely become worse without a bit more diligence. Sometimes it is hard to muster though. Things go better on sunny days. And I do find that I am a bit more optimistic than my immediate family members. I guess the adversity has given me a different perspective than the rest. Having lived longer than the others, I see that patience has it's place. Sometimes we have to play for time and let things play out as they may. Kinda like that old grizzly bear standing on that big rock in the middle of the river during Salmon spawning season. But sometimes even I lose sight of that. Much like I just lost sight of what the hell I was trying to say... I believe I just over thought my way out of a good point. But I find I do that a lot too now. Cause that had absolutely NOTHING to do with why I sat down here and started to commit thoughts to “paper”.

Why DID I start this you ask?
Well...
Mostly cause I miss you guys.
I seem to have lost touch with a group of folk who have become very dear to me. I can make all kinds of excuses, but I won't waste your time or mine.
2010 is supposed to be the year that I reconnect with the world. I have been somewhat successful with that. That gigantic distraction called Facebook became my favorite place to visit while online of late. It allowed me to reestablish connections with many people who I have known. And with time being at a premium (that is when I can steal some time online) Facebook comes at the expense of spending less time with you all. Okay, most of you. I actually have managed to engage a few of you more than I did while blogging. But that aside, I need to stop missing you.

I need to upgrade my reconnect overall. I realized that recently when I took on an assignment to do my father's branch of the family tree. I was surprised at how much I didn't know that I think I should. My reconnecting is getting a failing grade I think. I guess to not be a hermit, I can't quit quitting. (Yeah, I stole it. I don't smoke anyway! (much like many Michiganders these days!))

So I continue. I will continue to reach out to many in my life.

The task right now is to jack some Internet and find our just how many of you are still out there. Or for that matter, who even remembers me and where I be.

Of course I gotta be successful in jacking that 'net first...

Releasing Unshed Tears

I come to you today in a rather different mood than usual. I told myself that I was gonna stop coming here until I had something worthy of your time. Posting on the regular about the same old complaints is no way to treat the folk you don't hate. So I took a step back to work some stuff out. Of course some have found that I have filled that space with a bunch of time on Facebook. That time was well spent when not on Farmville or Mafia Wars. There I am reconnecting and engaging people more than ever before. I have even found a bit of clarity. I got there in no small part to Brother Brown Blogger. I am not sure he even realizes how much. Yet the struggle continues. I have yet the achieve the comfort level necessary to return here full time. I guess I feel now that time spent blogging could be time spent job searching. So I only show up occasionally these days...

As I said though, I come to you today in a rather different mood than usual. I thought I was keeping it together and everything was cool. I was lying to myself. I feel a hot damn blubbering mess. I feel that way because death has visited my family three times in the last 11 days. Three. As I said, I thought I was okay. But then I have realized that the memorial blog posts haven't been written. They aren't in draft. And tears were unshed. I guess I could blame my mood on a case of S.A.D.q and some Maxwell song lyrics, but that just don't cut it for my satisfaction.

I guess the whole life and death thing becomes very magnified at such an unusual time. Here one day, gone the next. Very philosophical and yet a very real and pressing issue. Makes you question things. If I were suddenly removed from this existence, how would it affect people? As it stands, right now my father's line would not continue through me. My wife's load would not be eased because disposing of my remains would fall on her and whatever family members who could help. These two things keep me awake at night. I am pretty comfortable with the rest of my legacy I guess. I have loved as best I can. I have taught as well as I could when I could. I have been as good a person as I could be (for the most part).

I guess there is a lot of pent up frustration along with a lot of sadness. That is the only thing that explains to me why a song had me losing control of my tear ducts and emotions. I guess thinking about the possible meanings of Pretty Wings and people being gone and the state of health and the fleeting nature of life opened the flood gates. I have had an opportunity to get up and move out into the world since I started this post. I have a little more perspective on the whole incident. And I am cool with what happened and why.

I guess my reaction was a bit delayed because of where I am in my life. The usual anger at not having any more chances was not there as much. There is still a little bit there. Being housebound, I couldn't get to see my Uncle Jack during his last days. But we spent much quality time before his last sickness. And I drunk a my fair share of his wine an was exposed to a bit more world culture than if he was not around. Hell, I might just do something unlike me and blaze one up on his behalf. It was one of his favorite hobbies. My Uncle Ronald I haven't seen in a bit. He been absent and such and we haven't run across each other. I regret that I didn't make it to his baby boy's funeral a couple of months back. As a result, I missed another opportunity with him... And I never got to know my cousin's husband really. They moved to Texas a while back. But she is extremely dear to me and sweet as pie. So I feel that loss more for her than for me.

I guess I will continue to worry until I can leave a little security blanket around for my wife. And I won't be all the way done with being here until I have left heirs for my family and the world. But I feel better now that I have shed some of those tears. I acknowledge that there is more love to be spread. There are more moments to share. There is still time to spend with those who are still here.

In fact I am gonna spend a little more time with the little visitor that is here right now. She finds nothing more hilarious than to run like mad and getting in my computer chair when she sees that I am not in it. Guess I gotta sit through some Beyonce and Ciara videos now...

p.s. Hassan, don't think I don't see the irony in me being on this side of this conversation today...

Sorry

Sorry I had to do it to you!  You know I hate comment verification as much if not more than you!  But the spammers seem to be the only ones who come by on the regular these days.  And fuck them!

So in the future, comments will require verification.  Sucks, I know.  But I tire of deleting bullshit comments that have absolutely nothing to do with what is going on up in here!

But as always, love.

Special Guest Blogger Alert!!!!!

Sagittarius (The Archer) 22 Nov - 21 Dec
Positive: Sensual, inspiring, spiritual, very happy, open and honest, doesn't hold grudges, full of enthusiasm, sees the best in others.
Negative: Fears responsibility, impatient, a risk taker and gambler at heart, argumentative, has a lack of commitment, they believe in their talents and are highly disapproving of those who don't.

It's that time again folks. I'm back with another one!

Happy Birthday D-Money AKA Taz



Isn't this just the cutest little thing you ever saw? (just don't tell him that) When he got to the end, he proudly announced to all "I didn't drop it!!!"
















This is one of him and Old TSSE splashing in the pool during a Kings Island trip. Note the death grip on the life preserver...




















This is my favorite elementary school picture. Now that I think about it, this is the only good one I have. He chose to make funny faces in the rest of them...















This is the proud youngster showing that he got first place in the science fair! He should have, I worked damn hard on the project!!!! (Please ignore the ashy hands, I try but...)















Mr. Suave at his middle school graduation. Can't wait to see what he wants to wear for his REAL (a.k.a high school) graduation!
Huh? Wha? Who else is that you say? Oh, that is me...

Favorite Story: As you may know, kids can be a challenge at times. As Hubby says, "Kids are good for two things, torment and entertainment!" This particular day SOMEBODY (I won't name him but there are several pictures...) was not being very entertaining. He was losing his mind for some reason and neglected to clean his room after the fifth reminder. So I got fed up and sent him to his room to get it cleaned! He had his radio on to help him through the project. Being something of a music lover, he tended to sing along quite often. Not knowing the lyrics never stopped him. I was headed to see how much cleaning hadn't happened up to this point. I noticed Lady Marmalade was on the radio. I kinda got into it. All of a sudden this little ashy brown creature in tighty whities leaps out of the room. He starts twitching like he was being electrocuted (dancing?) and promptly yells "ITCHY ITCHY YA BA DA DUH!!!!!" I was pretty much done for the day after that.

Another Favorite Story: Yet another day D'Angelo was being a little less than entertaining. In fact I thought he had lost his damn rabbit ass mind! Frustrated to the point of exploding, I decided to act. I figured I would try a "non traditional" method of discipline. So I said, "All right D'Angelo, that's it! YOU GOING INTO TIME OUT!!!" He stopped and looked up at me. Then he said in the cutest little four year old voice "Time out for what mommy?" I was done then too! Obviously the time out don't work...

Happy 18th Birthday D'Angelo!!!!

A Profile Ain't Just A Side View

Oh yeah. Funny incident of the month. Me, my son and a cousin were riding bikes to the store to grab some groceries. On the way back we got profiled. It was kinda slick how the cops did it too. I mean these two ain't the best riding partners since I frequently had to look for them to see where they were. And as usual with the black male of 17 years vintage, they had great difficulty with taking things seriously. Now I am riding at a slow but steady pace. These two fools are every damn where but with me. On the sidewalk, then across the street to the other sidewalk, bumping each other, half a block back, a whole block back. Generally acting asses. I mentioned that particular thing to them when we got to the store.

On the way back, the started the same bullshit again. I pretended not to notice that they were doing it and had decided to quit wasting time waiting for them since they were obviously in play mode. I had seen the cop in his patrol car but pretty much ignored the fact that he was there. Except when I made my own rapid crossover from the wrong side of the street to the right one. I promptly forgot about him when I ran through the hole in the street. I was distracted by the musical tones coming out of my spokes, never heard that before.

I turn the corner and get my stroke on so I could get home and eat. Next thing I know a squad car rides up next to me slowly. My first thought was to be annoyed, I am sure it showed on my face. I wondered what the hell I did wrong. Then he said "Excuse me, are those guys on the bikes bothering you?" I think my face also betrayed the shock I felt. My response, "Bothering me?" I looked back to make sure who he was talking about. "No, they are not bothering me. They are SUPPOSED to be riding up here WITH ME!" I guess he was a little satisfied with that since he said "Okay, I was just checking." Not to be rude, I said, "Thank you officer! You have a good one!"

At this point I am DYING inside with laughter! They caught up after he pulled off. "What did he want?" Trying my best to (unsuccessfully) contain my bemusement I told them, "Um... he just wanted to know if you two were harassing me..." The looks on their faces were priceless! I almost fell off my bike laughing. "Now do you think the two of you could keep up before we all get arrested up out in here for riding while tanned?" So we hit the next two turns and hit the home stretch. I look around and see two bikes riding away from me. One in the park to the left, the other into the park to the right. You'd think they would have learned. So I turn my had toward home and focus on timing the traffic light so I don't have to stop. I notice that the cop who rode up to me was just turning that corner up ahead. Then I hear ANOTHER cop car! This one toggles the siren switch. You know the way they do to make that noise to get your attention. My head quickly turns with a REALLY annoyed look on my face. He keeps going by. I get to the light and lil' cuz catches up. He is mumbling something hateful and violent about cops. I tell him to cool his jets, it ain't worth the blood pressure spike. He then tells me that the second cop with the siren had slowed down to give him the "I'm watching you" signal. This kinda pissed me off a touch and made me laugh a little. My reply to him was, "Shit, don't worry yourself over it, neither of those cops was Black OR Jewish, they are the ones who look out of place around here! Now do you think you could keep up now?"

Got home and relayed the story to the ladies and we had a pretty good laugh about it. Especially after I thought about it and mentioned that the way they were riding, they did look like they were out there fucking with people. I couldn't resist adding a moral to that story...

Captain's Log: Supplemental

Well, here I am for my obligatory twice a month posting.
Okay...
Kidding really.

Just ain't been able to write much lately. I guess I feel guilty that the time spent should be used chasing paper that seems nonexistent to me personally. I don't even spend as much time on Facebook. And I did that largely to chat jack you all and my family and friends. But you didn't come here to hear about my economic troubles. And I didn't come here to write about them. Plenty has been said about that as it is.

My campaign to "retake the bridge" as outlined in my last post has netted good results. Some underlying issues still have to be ironed out. The youngin's are still struggling with coming of age and being under the roof at the same time. But as usual, that means they are struggling with desires against requirements. Sucks for them. I will not be deterred. I do what I do to improve things. If they feel a bit of discomfort, then they are likely one of the hurdles to improvement. Mostly to themselves or the group as a whole. Time runs short to whip them into shape. The bulk of the work has been done. But the devil is in the details they say. It is the details that are causing the problems.

The fact that one could give a shit saddens me greatly. He will be 18 in less than 30 days. He could not tell me what his plans for his future are. This nearly had me in tears. A manchild born with brown skin in the United States who in 2009 just rolls with whatever anyone decides for him while on the cusp on the adulthood. Tragedy just doesn't even begin to describe this situation. He is taking a voc-tec program where he has changed direction twice since Labor Day. Yet he says that it is what he REALLY wants to do. Yet he has not convinced me. I am starting to think he is wasting his time in the program. I am tempted to have him removed and back to his regular school full time to ensure that he graduates on time. But I don't know if it would be the right thing to do because I just don't know where he is trying to get to. And he either can't tell me, or he won't. That and his discovery of the female type (too soon for him I think!) has taken a strange and possibly disturbing twist. Since these kids only listen to what they want to hear, he has taken half of the advice given him. He got this thing about being a one woman man, yet they come and go so fast that we can't keep track. I told him that getting serious was the last thing he needed in his life right now, for several good reasons. I mentioned that he should have five at the same time and not get too deeply involved until he figured out what he really wanted. His interpretation is that he should have five in a row and try to get deeply involved, until they showed tendencies toward insanity. I think he really missed the point on that one. Oh well, I just hope he is on his own before he encounters the crazy stalker one. I would hate to have to pull my belt off and whoop somebody eles's daughter's ass because she did that Jasmine Sullivan shit on MY car!

The other one has some strange space issues. More important, if somebody ain't using it RIGHT NOW then it is okay for her to do what she will. NOT okay since the inherent laziness means that places on the property, in and out, end up being dumping grounds for her half assedness. She has an uncanny knack for uttering "I don't see what the problem is". This is in response to things such as:

• Bringing home strays, human and animal.
• "Cleaning" by shifting shit from one place to another.
• Ignoring blatantly obvious yard issues.
• Mistreatment of the dog.
• Her own part in FUBAR situations.
• Lightfingering other people's shit.

Okay, let's just say it is a catchall for her just being irresponsible. For instance, yesterday I put them both on the path to refurbishing the property in general. I mentioned a bag of yard waste. This bag of yard waste had busted because my kids insisted on throwing the dirt away. I told them NOT TO throw the dirt in the bag because only the green stuff needed to be removed. Instead of dumping the dirt back into the flower bed, THEY decided to press on as before. The yard waste never got picked up because the bag was too heavy. The chose to ignore me again when I told them to unload the bag and return ONLY the green stuff to the bag, it would get picked up then. They didn't, it rained, they finally tried to move it, the bag broke, they tried to pretend they didn't see the mess, I tripped. Now the bag in question, still full of dirt, made it as far as the driveway next to the house. It is still there. All the green done dried up and is probably compost now. Somehow they can't figure out how to move apparently. In spite of me giving pretty detailed instructions, several times, that a shovel and walking would be involved. But now the dry season has worn off. So the dirt is gonna get heavier and heavier the more it rains. ALL of this I explained to the both of them yesterday. I did this because she said "I don't see why it is a problem. It has been sitting there all this time. Nobody can see it." The paragraph above is PART of my response. The short version of the rest was that she must be a blind ass idiot to even think to tell such an obvious lie.

Sigh... I could write a book on each of them. But to be honest, I am just too damn lazy. Especially since I would feel obligated to write on about my own issues, just to be fair. And I just ain't got the time or energy or desire to write those three books.

Captain's Log: Stardate 55177.4

7:19 a.m.
I have been awake one hour and nineteen minutes.
And I am pissed.
Why?
Lemme see...

• Awakened @ 6:00 a.m. by multiple alarms
  
• Attempted to page teenagers on lower level
• Lower level phone dead
• Swore aloud since I made a point of mentioning that said phone should get charged the day before
• Got out of my comfy bed
• Walked down stairs
• Searched for first body to awaken
• Found previously mentioned body awake in bathroom
• Asked myself WTF am I doing up then?
• Left instructions to first body to make sure the other two bodies get the hell up
• Banged on door to interrupt the slumber of bodies two and three.
• Escaped lower level, but only after noticing(ONE MORE TIME!) that them trifling muthafuckas need to get their cleaning game on.
• Returned to upper level to contemplate life and other such things while attending to blog comments and e-mail.
• Got fed up that dog had been whining for several minutes with no action being taken.
• Asked body number one WHY dog has been whining for several minutes WITH NO ACTION BEING TAKEN?!?!? wait... Imma give you the long version...


• "Um... Sir?"
• "Yeah?"
• "Whatchu doin'?"
• "Huh?"
• "What are you doing?"
• "Waitin' for my clothes to dry"
• "Waiting... While you are supposed to be getting dressed?"
• "Yeah"
• "Wouldn't it have been more intelligent to dry them YESTERDAY?"
• "..."
• "Hello?"
• "Yeah, it would have"
• "So why are you waiting NOW?"
• "Actually I am trying to get the wrinkles out"
• "Uh, huh..." Actually this was me resisting the urge to go into a long discourse about the merits of using an iron... But not to get distracted from my mission...
• "So you are doing nothing then"
• "Um... yeah"
• "Really?"
• "That and listening to the dog whine"
• "Listening to the dog whine..."
• "Yeah"
• "And you think this is a good thing to be doing right at this moment?"
• "He be whining for no reason!!!"
• "Really?"
• "Yeah, you know..."
• "When has he been out last?"
• "I don't know"
• "You don't know?"
• "Yeah"
• "You don't know, yet you feel justified in saying that he is whining for no reason?"
• "Um..."
• "For that matter, are his bowls full?"
• "He just got done eating and stuff!"
• I sigh heavily and a moment later I hear a "chink" and then a large white blur thunders up the stairs at me. I open the door to his "bathroom".
• "Um... Are y'all using the car today?"
• "The car?"
• "Yeah"
• "Why?"
• "I wanted y'all to drop me off and pick me up from school?"
• "Really? What's wrong with the bike?"
• "Nothing, my legs hurt"
• "Your legs...?" Translation: from laying around on your ass?
• "Hmm... We'll see..." Translation: You still laying on ya ass 15 minutes before you are supposed to leave, I am gonna do the dishes Y'ALL didn't do last night (while you are at school), I cooked last night, the garbage ain't out (today is garbage day), you been ignoring the dog, AND I gotta constantly pretty much get off in ya grill to get shit done. Yet YOU want ME to chauffer ya ass around? HMPH! (The only reason I even considered it was because there was a bit of chill in the air this morning...)
• "While you are standing around, why don't you make sure the other two are up!"
• "OK" He schleps over to the door and taps lightly
• "Do you think you could actually knock on the door?" He knocks harder. Then again like he actually means it.
• From inside the door comes "YEAH?!?"
• To which I replied "GET YA DAMN ASSES THE HELL UP OUTTA BED. THE FUCK YOU WAITING FOR?" it is 6:45 by now...
  
• I also notice that the lock is missing from the garage.
• Go outside and see that the bag that didn't make it out to the curb last week is still sitting busted in the garage.
• Garbage IN the house is still in the house
• Dishes ain't done yet they ate for the last two days because I cooked!
• Went to see about my sick wife and here he comes with the car shit again!
• This of course set her off since the car is messed up and costs money that needs to be put in the rent. The sheer selfishness of the request had her in tears.
• AND she went downstairs (very rare) looking for something and was disgusted with the condition of the basement.

Needless to say, there will be me and hell to pay. Been kicking back too long not making waves. Since I ain't been contributing to the finances as I would like to be, I let her steer the ship since she got the wind up in the sails. But it is time for me to take command again. This ship needs her captain. Not saying that Spock is not an effective captain. But he ain't no Kirk. Wifey got the Bitch gene just fine. But command requires the Asshole gene. I got that. That is what command requires. As wifey, and the neighbor lady with the out of control kids, can attest, the Bitch gene is not enough.

p.s. For those Star Trek purists who would dispute my use of the Stardate in the title, DON'T WASTE YOUR TIME! If you however are curious as to where it came from... HERE!

SMDH!

I don't know about y'all. But I am convinced that this dude is straight crazy! And definitely disrespectful!!!

Um... Okay.

I must have awaken today in Bizarro world. Why you ask?



I daresay Rhianna betta watch her back! When aged where are they now celebs with huge racks and accents as thick as molasses start performing her stuff onstage, she might be in trouble.

Shit, I gotta start watching the damn Jerry Lewis Telethon again! That was strangely entertaining!

Who knew Charo wanted to be a pop star?