Happy New Year folks!!!
Not much else to add at this point. I am just here inflating my totals for this year.
And to wish you the above.
And just because.
I would tell you that I have stuff to share but just haven't yet decided how much. But you probably heard that before. So I will just share stuff without the foreshadowing...
Anyway, love you all. See you in the later!
Life has ways of being interesting. A lesser known fact about me is that I have had nine grandparents. How do you ask? Well... My father's parents, one and two. My mother's parents, three and four. This is the usual configuration for most people. However life happens and sometimes there are additions. In my case it happened several times.
My mom's parents divorced.
Her mom remarried, five. After a (not very long) while, he passed. One gone, I was just a babe. I wish I had known him, I am told he was a really good man.
My parents divorced a couple years later.
Not long after, dad's mom passed. Two gone. I can barely remember her myself. But she lives on in the memories and stories of her children. A very kind and intelligent woman and mother of 13. Three years is not nearly enough time, especially when there were so many others to share her with.
Not long afterward my mother's father remarried, six.
Not long after that my father's father remarried, seven.
My father remarried. Though that bond came her parents, eight and nine.
It is around this time when I am really aware and can remember people and events. So the relationships began to develop past familial to personal. Mom's mother was Grandma! Straight, no chaser, grand parent of all grand parents. For me she was the most constant. The greatest presence of all the grands. She also happened to be my family's Madea... But I digress... My mother's father, he was number two. So much I can say about him. Too much going through my mind to even write it. That was my man though. My father's father was a ghost to me. An occasional visit here and there. It was hard to be a part of his life since he relocated to California before I really got to know him. Which of course meant that I didn't really know his wife either. My mom's step mom. She was grandma too, but without the capital "G". She was a pretty nice lady from what I can remember. But there was something I couldn't put my finger on that put up a barrier. I guess the families never really quite meshed. Her children never quite felt like uncles and aunts. Her grandchildren never quite felt like cousins. I guess they really weren't because after her death, I didn't see much of them. After his, they became pretty much legends... My step mom's parents are the last two. I will be the first to admit that this was a strange relationship. I never had a problem connecting with either of them. But it was not really a grandparent grandchild relationship. More like beloved great uncle and aunt. There was a certain distance between me and my sister and my step mom's family as a whole. Just never really engaged with the clan. No nights spent over folks houses. No cousins ever came by. Now that I think back, it was almost always a case of me going where they were. I guess to a kid, one way don't cut it. In fact it probably explains the distance between my brothers. Meetings usually on their turf, not mine. Hmmm... Different post that. But back to it. Pappa and Big Ma were their identities within the family. Poppa to me was a stereotypical good humored southern farm boy. Always happy to see you. Honest, hard working, Salt of the earth kind of guy. A great big old teddy bear. Big Ma on the other hand quite a bit soft spoken. Seemingly as small as he was big. Always willing to take up the conversation or relate a story.
This is the grandparental landscape as it was when I was five. It remained that way for several years. Then my mom's step mom passed. This was the first grandparent I really engaged with who moved on, three down.
Things stayed stable though my teens. Mostly... Grandma was the next to go. This was the one I really connected with. I got a lot from her. I remember one incident that sealed the deal. She had a fireplace in her house. There were pictures of all of her all over the place. I remember mentioning to her (with my lip poked out) that she didn't have a picture of me up there. She gave me that "are you effing kidding me?" look. Then she said something that pretty much meant the same thing. Then she steered me to the photo albums. Told me to look though them. Needless to say after a few moments I felt like a complete jackass. And never more loved... Best believe that a couple of years later upon my high school graduation, hers was the first picture I delivered. Four down.
About a year later Grandpa was also gone. I think he was heartbroken mostly. He took Grandma's passing, and the circumstances, really hard. First time I remember seeing him cry. I will always remember the lesson he taught me about respect and paying attention to what folk say. Seems he sent me to the store. Gave me a list of stuff to buy him and I could have the change. I came back with a half assed order for him and the bounty of the gods for myself. I think he was a little pissed. I remember the laughter more. And that had more of an effect on me. I will never forget that. Mostly because he never let me. Five down.
A couple of years later, my father's father and his wife returned from California. His health had starting heading south. As had her memory. They needed to be cared for, so they came home. I got to spend a little time talking with him as an adult, Digging through the stories and history that he had available in his head. But there was not enough time. At least I never thought so. Six down.
His wife was the one where the connection was weakest. As I said, they were in Cali most of my life. When the came back she was in the beginning stages of Alzheimer's. By the time of his funeral, her memory was mostly gone. Pretty much everybody was a stranger to her. I remember the last couple of conversations we had. She looked at me with a sad and apologetic look and said "I'm sorry, I don't remember you." I was slightly taken aback. Remember, Dad is one of 13. 13 who were fruitful. So there were a lot to remember. Even in the best of circumstances, that statement was not unexpected. So I tried to explain who I was. We both felt better for the understanding achieved. The next time I saw her, the conversation started the same as before. This time I simply replied, "That's okay, I remember you". Not long after that she joined her husband. Seven down.
Poppa was the next to leave. He was a good man, who lived a good life and raised a family. Can't really remember that man ever having anything bad to say about anybody. We were always happy to see each other. My biggest regret is that we didn't have more of each other in our lives. Eight down.
This leads me to the somewhat deceiving title of this post. See Poppa passed years ago. So there has only been one for over a decade. Big Ma is 93. Good health and a bit of spunk to boot. She and my father celebrated their birthdays together and the family showed up. I still smile when I picture that scene, She was sitting in the chair by the window. Somebody asked what she wanted from the store. She replied that she wanted something to drink. After folk asking about various soft drinks and juices and getting "no" as a response, somebody (I forget who), said "The hell with all that Big Ma want her a DRINK!" The very satisfied grin she wore after that pretty much told that tale. She got her a little cognac for her birthday drink. Job well done! I also remember looking at her a couple of times during the event. She wore a beaming and satisfied smile while the late winter sun beamed down on her through the picture window. An beautiful day, a good drink and surrounded by family in celebration. That included my absentee ass... I have to say her last birthday was a good one.
Today she inspires the writing of this post. Because of recent events, one may soon be zero. A couple of weeks ago, she fell and broke her hip. The doctors said she needed emergency surgery or she wouldn't walk again. The surgery was successful I guess. However there were some complications that ended up in her falling into a coma. I was by dad's house this weekend. She is there, sleeping. I stole a quiet moment to hold her hand. Not believing that after 93 years that her time may have arrived. Though her end may be soon, her legacy is strong. And like the others, she shall live on. In me...
For some reason, I am getting the urge to start or even write this whole post in song lyrics. In the last two minutes I have fought down the urge (mostly, see title) to quote lines from Sting and Stevie Wonder as openings to this post. But while they might speak to some thoughts in my mind, they don't speak the words needed for THIS post.
See, I am here because of two things, fear and reemergence.
Fear has kept me from leaping into the future. I feel myself being TOO cautious. I fully understand why. I just don't want to end up back where I was before. But overcompensating is bad in this case. Slow feet take more time to cover the same ground. I find myself in a funny place because of it. The mind knows. But the mind believes different.
To illustrate that point, I got a story for you.
Way back yon three quarter score ago there was a young man. Freshly enhappied and newly wed. Young dude and his new bride arriveth in the magical kingdom of Toronto. And being young (and dumb(ish)) he loudly proclaimed that he would take her to the highest venue in the land. And when they would arrive at the high, he would drag her across the magical floor that looked upon everything below it. So up, up, up, up they went until reaching the highest plateau. Around the dark circle they strode, until they beheld a most wonderful sight. Why it was the brightness of the sun blazing up through what appeared to be an enormous hole in the floor. They walked to the very edge of what seemed to be oblivion. They gazed down upon the kingdom. They felt like a king and queen even as they gazed down upon men who fancied themselves Royals. Many men named Jay in suits of Blue attempted to defeat these men of such lofty goals. To which the new bride uttered "That's so cool". And off she went. She floated across the bright abyss as if an angel with new wings. Her journey began with her new husband's hand in hers. It ended with that hand empty. The husband had attempted to fly with her. But his foot never actually crossed the threshold between the solid ground and the lighted abyss. It seems that his mind KNEW that there was a magical force field called plexiglass there (damn you Rio!). His mind would NOT believe that the next step on solid ground called for a 1,100 foot drop before his foot would reach that ground. Needless to say, attempts to get him to venture out were (mostly) in vain.
I tell you this story to say that I find myself again not able to put that foot where I know it should go. When I think about it, I wonder why I am hesitant to walk into the future. When I don't think about it, not walking seems normal. That said, I think it is going to take some more work for me to reestablish my freedom. I have shed some of the shackles. This one is the most challenging. Challenging because my mind is quite the formidable opponent.
From The Black Page,
TSSE
Sometimes I just can't turn off. Oftentimes it feels like I am on a ride, completely out of control. Sometimes like that stunt that killed Indian Larry. Just surfing the seat of a moving motorcycle. Nobody steering. Not sure if or when it will lose balance and fall the hell over. Yet sometimes thrilling.
Then there are times like now when I am completely bored with everything. Not that anything is wrong. Just...ugh! I am finding that the things that have been occupying my time are not that occupying anymore. I am starting to think of the opportunity costs of the time spent. Like time not spent here.
I sometimes wonder if letting myself get away from here changed something. I mean at this point I am down from one post a month to one this year. Okay two this year. The decision to not BWM here anymore also kept me from wanting to share anything. I guess that could change. Also reading the stuff I wrote gave a third person perspective that I seem to be missing.
And I realize that, even as I write this, that I have way more to say than I can express. My organizational skill with the words is a little dusty and a bit overwhelmed. I am spending more time thinking than writing.
Maybe I will try to rediscover the dude that put the other 400 odd posts out here. Take my laptop out on the porch and let the scene inspire me to see things as only I can. Or I can just talk about people...
Can't wait to read this to see what I think about it. After I tell myself "That is so random..."
Anyhow, I am up much too late! Guess I better Hulu myself to sleep like I was going to before I started typing...
What up?
It's been a long time
I guess I left you,
Without a damn thing to read through...
Eh... I knew I shouldn't have done that. Guess I am getting on the train outta Cliche'ville.
Feeling a little random. So a little random you shall have.
I just sat and watched a movie based in Lansing, Michigan of all places... while in Lansing, Michigan!
You know The Lakers gos swept!!! And I can't get the vision of The Blog Wife in her Flakers shirt. All pink and stretched from east to west... Sigh...
I sometimes wonder what my previous life was like. Must have been a real asshole because I haven't done enough in this life for the karma that is kicking my ass in this lifetime.
I stopped watching TV for a while. Got addicted to Hulu, Miami Vice especially. When I came back, I found that it doesn't keep my attention like it once did. I blame the waste of good airtime on American Idol, Dancing anything, stuff that survives or gets fired, etc.
Wanna hear some crazy shit? I just semi watched/was watched by a preview/making of feature of a movie on one channel that was actually playing on another channel. WTH?
BTW. Scott Pilgrim vs. The World is a very strange yet somewhat cool movie...
You know, I have been doing some reading. This place is not my happy place. Therapeutic yes. Happy no. But I guess I always knew that...
My entertainment lately has been flipping between MSNBC and Fox News. Left wing nuts on one channel and Right wing nuts on the other. But now I understand how they are gonna fuck us all in the end. They are in it together. I mean really? Who do you feel is really representing YOUR views and values in Washington D.C.?
The America I thought I was growing up in is really dead. Mostly because there is no respect left it seems. The rule of the day is to be rude to others and screw over the poor, the elderly and the disabled and children. And of course folk these days think that they are entitled to mind everyone else's business while loudly maintaining their right to their own privacy.
I think I realize the other reason why I don't spend much time here anymore. I am too damn easily distracted...
With that I will bid you goodnight for the next six months, or until tomorrow, or whenever...
GOOOOOOOOOOO WIIIINNNNNNGGGGGGSSSSSSS!!!!!!
Heads up New York! I'm on my way next week!!!
Not sure exactly what that means outside of my reason for going.
But I shall find out as it happens!
For now, that is all!
In life we often find ourselves in a dark place. We get there for a variety of reasons. What we end up with is usually a gigantic stress sammich! And just as often we don’t realize that the dark place is a tunnel. We trudge and trudge through life. We go here and there. One day we look up and find that we don’t exactly know where we are going. This is not to say that we don’t know where we want to go. It’s just that we can get a little lost. We find ourselves detached from the sun that provides energy for growth and warmth. So we stagnate. We grow cold. Not knowing what else to do, we keep trudging on. After a while we will realize that there are only two ways to go in the darkness. We could go back. But going back often means choosing stagnation. It also means quitting. Some do. Then there are those of us who are stubborn and refuse to quit. We realize that we are indeed in a tunnel and choose to go forward.
Of course the problem with tunnels is that they tend to be dark and by definition, enclosed. We discover we are in them when in the process of trudging through life, we run into the walls. Eventually we get our bearings and keep it moving. We walk with the purpose of leaving the tunnel. The end goal is to return ourselves to the sun which has nurtured us and given us the energy to grow. So we trudge in the darkness. Forward or backward we move in the hope of seeing some change in the darkness. We look for that change as a sign that our journey through the tunnel is nearly over.
For those who go back, the light means sameness. Sameness as in the same old shit, every day. This is also known as stuck in a rut. Folk get stuck for a variety of reasons. Some choose to take the “default package”. That is taking whatever you can get for the absolute minimum of inputs. Often this is what those who complain about welfare recipients are talking about. Some get stuck because they try, but can’t get any traction. Often this appears to be someone moon walking in place. And there are others who by no means want the “default package”, but are bound by outside forces and can’t make the desired progress because it would be counterproductive. It’s kinda like being in the deep end of a half full pool while rescuing a person who can’t swim. You could save yourself but the other person would definitely drown. I could go on with many more examples but they are outside the scope of this post.
What is in the scope of this post are two main points.
First is that most people don’t care about the circumstances of YOUR plight as long as they have a convenient container of blame to drop you into. Usually it is the assumption that folk are trying to get all of the handouts they can possibly hope for (the “default package”). Often it is quite the opposite. Most people would choose to not be dependent on handouts if they could avoid it. The silly part of it all is that most of us need to make decisions that set up our future at the time when we are the least capable of making such long range decisions. To my experience there are VERY FEW 18 year olds who are ready to be a) financially independent, b) career tracked, c) parents, d) responsible. There may be some who may be one (or two) of the above but generally speaking most are not. So a lot of bad decisions are made at the time when a lot of our best decisions NEED to be made. And these decisions tend to follow us for QUITE a while. And because of this, ruts happen. Other things in life happen that also side track those who did plan ahead. So ruts happen. And they are hard to get out of because usually the things that you need and don’t have are the things that got you there in the first place.
The second point says simply: The light at the end of the tunnel is not always a train. Sometimes you just find that sunlight that you were looking to regain the whole time. My entire household was recently walking a tunnel in group mode. The kids were trying to ride the path of the “default package”. They turned it around and got back in school, one even has employment. They decided to move forward after realizing that walking back would only get them the nothing that they had before. I eagerly await their emergence from the tunnel. The Wife is no longer moonwalking. She has found the kind of traction that having a husband with a G.O.O.D. (Get Out Of Debt) job (with benefits) brings. Now she is able to plan more and worry less because she is no longer fighting a losing financial battle. For my own part, I was able to pass my mother on to other rescuers and was able to worry about getting myself out of the pool. This in turn turned me into a rescue with my wife keeping me from drowning. Fortunately for us both, our new employers gave us life preservers and are filling the pool so we can climb out on our own.
I may or may not include audio or video for this post. In case I don’t, I am sure that a smart bunch such as you can find access to my new theme song.
Golden by Jill Scott.
This post contains bitching, whining and moaning. If you ain't up for it, I would understand an early exit by you.
These days I am in the unenviable position of... well... being unenviable. For a number of reasons.
Seems the world likes to stamp "Can't do no right" on my forehead on a daily basis. I may just be paranoid but it seems to come from everywhere. I say this because, try as I might, I just can't seem to make anything I devote my efforts to work out.
Job searching has been relatively fruitful yet extremely frustrating. I say RELATIVELY because I have gotten more contacts in the last 30 days than I have in the same number of months. Yet is is frustrating. You know the kind of thing where you get thrown a bone and hit upside the head with an even bigger bone? So far, I have been submitted for three different opportunities and gotten the "Your skill set looks nice, but we think that those skills are a bit rusty. The client isn't gonna want to pay what you are looking for." Fine. I understand the way things go. And I can understand how that might be important for skills in a more dynamic setting. But really, the stuff I do hasn't changed much in a couple of decades. In fact the great majority of folk in my industry think that this stuff is old, outdated and needs to go the way of the dinosaur. In fact, a large portion of the practitioners in the skills I have are nearing retirement age.
(oh dang. Another rejection letter just this minute... Niiiccceeee!!!!)
Where was I? Um... Ah! Yes. So since my skills are probably rustier than a Model T sitting in an old barn, I am told that I want too much. What I want is not even what the market price is. Or for that matter, not even what I made before. But still, that is up to $10,000 more than they want to offer. And that is without a benefits package. I of course am willing to do this because 1) it is a lot more than I am getting now. 2) it will bring my skills current. 3) it will end my extended staycation and give me something to do with my days that won't inspire me to pull my damn thinning ass hair out! (I hope). 4) a momentary sacrifice to be more attractive in the future is only smart business. What do I get told AFTER I give the go ahead to get me in? I get "I don't want to get your hopes up. But that gap is gonna make it hard." WOW!!! So now because there has been virtually NO opportunity for me to stay current (it ain't like I got a mainframe in the basement, them things COST!) I am not even worthy of an offer that a brand spanking new college graduate would get (with benefits)??? I am really tempted to get into more debt, get some sexier and newer skills and leave this mainframe shit alone. If I gotta start at square one, might as well do it with something with a better future. Let them deal with their coming resource shortage without me. BTW, even Wal-Mart don't want me. For anything... SMH...
Of course that translates to other things as well. My overworked wife keeps complaining about being "tired of being the only one to come up with ways to fix stuff" To be fair to her position, I SHOULD be helping out more (AKA paycheck). Now this be a double edged sword to be sure. I could continue to concentrate on trying to fix the problems (leveraging my rusty skills, where I have experience). Or I could stop that (apparent) pipe dream and concentrate on "helping" out (minimum wage job, likely food service or something like that (which I have yet to convince anyone that I am the right candidate)). Path A hasn't worked yet, but is likely to get things squared away a bit sooner. Path B also hasn't worked yet, and is unlikely to make much of a difference but MAY be easier to accomplish. Path C requires more debt and investment to acquire new skills to make A and B unnecessary. Of course it means money goes out and not in. Path D quite frankly is a lot more lonely and in the end only benefits me, yet may be counterproductive and even self-destructive.
Oh and the major problem I am having with that whole "tired of being the only one to come up with ways to fix stuff"complaint is that I am the only one to hear it. Never mind that there are THREE other adult residents in this house who are lacking jobs and completed educations living up in here. And usually there are long term visitors that can come and hang and suck up very limited resources and she is cool with all that! Yet I am the only one who seems to be even attempting to improve the situation.
Unfortunately the one thing I don't have is money. Seems to be the only thing that matters. Never mind that I am trying to add another bread winner to the fold. Forget the fact that I try to do the house husband thing since it is one of the major things I can do to help until I can get money. Put aside the idea that I am trying to limit the effects of erosion to relationships and resources. Discount the fact that I worry about her more than I do myself. Ignore the words that say that her family helps us more than mine does (more on that in another post). AND it isn't even worth mentioning that I am in probably the worst possible position I can see myself in without my health going further down hill, being incarcerated and/or actually being homeless. The big thing seems to be I don't got no check. Oh, and I seem to give bad advice since no one wants to listen even though I tell folk in great detail, what is coming if they continue to do what they are doing...
Needless to say, I am not feeling a lot of love for being a person or having feelings. I sometimes wonder what things would be like if I had a fat paycheck and didn't do shit else but but provide for things that money can purchase. Yeah, I got that rent. Your Navigator payment is in on time. I will bling ya. All the purses and shoes you can handle. Y'all want video games and unlimited groceries and all the toilet paper you can wipe them unlimited groceries off with? Heat lights, water, cable, gear? I got ya! BUT you gotta rub your own damn feet, hold yourself when you need comforting, get your relationship advice from the internet, teach your own damn self how to cook or pretty much anything else you need to know. Look for the check, just don't look for me. I'll be at work, or "working late." Would that make the world better?
At times I think I am being overly cynical with that. Other times I am afraid to even think about what that answer might be. It saddens me greatly to think about my value being about what I can buy for people rather than what I can do for them.
I strive for some balance. I would like to do both. I would like to do it all. But right now I can't, so I do what I can. Somehow that just ain't enough. Sometimes I wonder if this is all worth it.
Mostly because (again) It saddens me greatly to think about my value being about what I can buy for people rather than what I can do for them.
(Now I remember why I started this little space. To talk to folk who are not the people I bitch about. Mostly to get some understanding. Or virtual bitch slapping when warranted. Either way I get outside perspective. There is still a lot unsaid so this might be kinda random. As usual, comment if you feel)
Yesterday I literally could have killed somebody. Likely somebody at Ford. Or somebody in a Ford.
The backstory?
Well, I finally got a good contact for a little cheddar again. I mean a REALLY good contact. You know the kind where the recruiter starts sounding REALLY excited because they are about to make a mint off of your ass? Anyway, I had this really good conversation with this recruiter who had a really good feeling that she could get me in this position. I even played the gracious candidate where I threw her a good in-the-range rate and THEN compromised MORE to make prospects look even sweeter. She got as happy as I did. And I got pretty happy as hard as I tried not to. Probably because SHE sounded like she was gonna make bank too!
Lemme pause for a moment to hip y'all to the contract game, if ya don't already know.
Contract houses get job openings from their clients. Their job is to do the marketing and vett the personnel. They of course don't do this for free. In IT, it is not unusual for the contract house to make as much as, if not more than the actual talent. So if you ask for say $30 per hour, the contract house will probably ask the client for $60 per hour. You work at the client, you work for the contract house. The client does not have to pay benefits or worry about extra employees when the work is done. The contractor gets a higher rate in exchange for the lack of benefits or job security. The contract house basically double dips. They get paid for marketing and providing talent AND get a cut for getting the contractor the work. Everybody's happy!!!
Okay, fast forward to Monday. I make the obligatory and necessary follow-up contact. Me being full of hope was hoping to hear "Still thinking about it". NO!!! No such luck. I get "For some reason they put the position on HOLD!!!" WTF? ON HOLD?!?!?!?!?!?!? Now all of a sudden either there is no work or they aren't sure? On Friday the client was being picky. For those who don't understand why I am outraged, I will explain further.
Excitement on the part of the recruiter means that recruiter sees themselves getting another bonus. Which means that the candidate is a near slam dunk for the job. Expectations were high (I know I shouldn't have...) The putting a job "on hold" is the HR version of the pocket veto. Kinda like taking the job off of the market without actually taking it off the market.
What that all means is...
Essentially I just got it with no vaseline
Sometimes in life you come to the realization that you had things right all along. but for some reason you decided to change up, probably to get along with folk better. But I am realizing I had it right way back when I was a kid. But to be more social, I started talking to people. I thought it to be the right thing. But at times it doesn't feel right. Likely because I waste life doing so. I have lately been finding myself less willing to engage in conversations because I tire of the ill use of my time on this planet.
This is A Boondocks Example of how things go at times.
Another example is a recent conversation with my son.
Him: I guess I am not appealing to women.
Me: Um. Do you mind being a little more specific so that we BOTH know what we are talking about?
Him: She (his girlfriend) said that she didn't think I would look right buff and now she changed her mind.
Me: Why?
Him: I saw a comment she made on Facebook about one of her friends. He was all buff and she said "Lookin' good!!!" So now she thnks I would look okay buffed up.
Me: ... (I can imagine you know what I am thinking...)
Him: I guess I don't understand women.
Me: No man really does.
Him: But why?
Me: Okay. Pay close attention. I am gonna tell you, and it's important.
Him: Okay.
Me: They are all crazy!
Him: But why?
Me: Why is it important for you to know why they are crazy?
Him: I guess so I can figure them out.
Me: Trust me, you won't. All you need to do is accept that they are crazy and then you will be able to adjust to things properly.
Him: That doesn't help much.
Me: It will, you just have to spend a little time working it out in your mind.
Him: Ah forget it. I don't really care what she does any more. mumble, mumble, mumble (as he is walking off)
Me: Hold up! That's it? You just walk off in the middle of the convo?
Him: I thought we were done?
Me: Really? How did you get that idea? Did we agree that everything was said? Or one of us said that we were done?
Him: No. But I said I don't care any more so I thought we were done.
Me: You saying that was expressing a thought. It wasn't us ending the conversation.
Him: I thought it did...
Me: I take it YOU are done.
Him: Yeah, I don't wanna talk about it.
Me: Fine! I mean it is rude as hell to walk the hell off when somebody is talking to you. Especially when YOU started it. Ask some damn body else the next time you need advice!
Needless to say that I learned more from this conversation than he did.
Yet another example:
My wife's sister finally got hitched. We thought it never would happen so I only really started believing it after BOTH said "I Do". Now if you even halfway get along with your sister, this would be one of the happiest days in your life. Especially if you were IN the wedding. At least that is my perspective on it. And this is whether or not the sister is being a bridezilla. Yet on this very happy day, my wife is in tears. The next day when I asked her why I was walking around pissed off without being aware of the ACTUAL reason, she replies "nothing". Hmm... two lies in one. Obviously "nothing" is not the problem. And a lie of omission at the same time. So now I get really pissed at her. She was willing to drop some not so veiled references to what was on her mind at the reception and on the ride home. Yet when asked about it, I get "nothing". I get that answer often when I ask her what is bothering her. I am on the verge of not asking any more since it is a waste of my life.
What I can gather is that some foul shit was said to her during her time with the bridal party especially in the previous week (the wedding was on Saturday). Knowing them, a lot of it was about me. This to me is mind boggling since:
I love the summer. Yesterday I realized that the days are only gonna get shorter until the first day of Winter. That depressed me slightly because it means... well the hell with what it means. I don't wanna depress myself anymore. But I am sure you all can figure it out yourself.
But I do love the summer. Sure, it gets hot as hell. But I don't have to move snow. Or freeze. And it is generally easier to stay cool than it is to stay warm.
More importantly I can ride my bike in the summer. Just me and my machine. It's performance is fixed, mine varies. Which is to say that I am what determines how well we work as a unit. I like that. Glory, mediocrity, disappointment, they are all up to me. Which way the adventure lies. How far it goes. How long it takes. Me, Me, ME! For a lot longer than I sometimes care to admit, it is my happy place. Adventure and solitude in one package. Some days it is the only freedom I have left. I could go on for a while, but I won't.
Why? Because if you are familiar with the bicycle concept you know the truth in the next statement. I shall free my mind and my ass will follow. Quite literally and somewhat figuratively.
More plainly, I am telling you that I am getting my ass the hell up out of this chair and putting it on my saddle. Right now I could use some freedom. I spend all kinds of time in this chair that winter traps me into. No use in staying locked up on purpose when there is a better choice.
Catch ya on the flip...
...that Grouchy Smurf had the right idea.
...that I am not always the nicest person.
...that I am just fine with the above a lot of days.
...that because of the above, the one two above exists.
...that I am losing my voice, and that is why I don't exercise it here much any more.
...that my desire for change is getting so strong that it is somehow interfering with that change.
...that depression is a very powerful force.
...that people generally just don't give a shit until they have to deal with something on some level.
...that we need two or three more good political parties, because the Democrats AND the Republicans need to be the minority part at the same time. Maybe then they will help each other pull their heads out of their asses.
...that during the summer that I am rediscovering the joys of cycling, a legend is likely summing up his career by becoming a sidekick to his sidekick, all because of a crash. Lance, this beer is for you! And here's hoping that Levi can make up those two minutes and small change before Bastille Day!
...that no one really cares what goes on here anymore.
...that the above is likely true because I don't seem to care.
...that the above is NOT true because time, access and guilt keep me away.
...that one can indeed type quite accurately and complete a thought while reading the insides of your eyelids.
...that the guilt is creeping back. Guess I better get back to what I am supposed to be doing.
...that it ain't gonna happen tonight because I keep nodding off and trying to fall the hell out of this chair!
...that there was a bunch of other stuff that I was gonna say but the bed is drowning out my voice with it's call.
...that I still got love for ya, and I am sending it out to you now!
Good night and have an interesting series of tomrorrows...
Played randomly from the playlist...
Sing along if you know the words...
Ay, Yo Doug!
What?
Put ya Bally's on
Yo Rick I was about to, but I need a shoehorn...
Why?
Because these shoes always hurt my corns!
It's got to be real
Girl, I could write a book on how you making me feel
I know I'll never find
Another who could match the love you're giving to me
So...
DAVE! The dope fiend, shootin' dope
Who don't know the meaning of water nor soap!
Would you mind?
If I touched,
if I kiss,
If I held you tight
In the morning light , yeah?
When I feel you dreaming
I think of sunsets
How high my high gets
Got to be there
Be there, in the morning
When he says hello to the world
But did you know
That when it snows
My eyes become large and
The light that you shine can be seen
They say time can heal a broken heart
And true love never ends
So why not start where we began
Here we go
Walking the road of ecstasy
Taking the load
Of this whole world off our shoulders
The door is wide open for you
The door is open for me
You think that you're in love with me
I think you're beautiful and should be free
I'M JUST A YOUNG MAN GOT LOTS OF TIME
Right now that kind of thing isn't on my mind
Tell ya people that Im comin by (Yeah Yeah),
Got that shit that'll get ya high (I'm on my way),
Talkin' shit cuz I'm off tonight,
and you really got me feelin' right
Where were you, when I said I loved you
And where were you, when I cried at night
Waiting up, couldn't sleep without you
Thinking of, all the times we shared
Let me lay it on the line
I got a little freakiness inside
And you know that the man
Has got to deal with it
I don't care what they say
I'm not about to pay nobody's way
'Cause it's all about the dog in me
And cant belive
You hurtin me
I met your gurl what a difference,
What you see in her you
You ain't seen in me
But i guess it was all just make-believe
Grandma's hands clapped to church on Sunday mornings
Grandma's hands played the tambourine so well
Grandma's hands used to issue out a warning
For a while to love was all we could do
We were young and we knew
And our eyes were alive
Deep inside we knew our love was true
For a while we paid no mind to the past
We knew love would last
Evry night somethin right
Would invite us to begin the dance
Pretty brown eyes
You know I see you
It's a disguise the way you treat me
Now, Im craving your body,
Is this real
Temperatures rising, I dont want to feel
Im in the wrong place to be real
I heard he sang a good song, I heard he had a style
And so I came to see him to listen for a while
And there he was this young boy, a stranger to my eyes
Sometimes a girl
Will come and go
You reach for love
But life wont let ya know
That in the end
You'll still be lovin' her
But then she's gone
You're all alone
Baby seems like everywhere I go
I see you, from your eyes, your smile
It's like I breathe you, helplessly I reminisce
Don't want to compare nobody to you
You are my light, I have to go on
Have me anyway you want to
Just take care and love me
Til my tension's gone
Trashmen didn't get my trash today
Oh, why? Because they want more pay
Buses on strike want a raise in fare
So they can help pollute the air
When I first saw you Babe
You were lookin' good on Soul Train. (OH!)
Keep stalkin' for you, I saw you there
You were spinnin', dancin' everywhere
I thought to myself
She was so fine
The ways she moved
So freakishly
So was so divine
I thought that
Hey Babe
What she needs is me
Whatcha gonna do?
You can do it too!
The TURBO!!!
Five, six, seven, eight
Right, right, right
Left, left, left
Right, left, kick, kick, knee, knee
bend down and roooollllll!!!!
On the real, I better get on this, Wedding is coming soon!
And my own personal favorite as a bonus:
My favorite thing
Next to looking into your eyes
Is making love with you (mmm hmm)
Another one of my favorite things
Next to holding you so so tight
Is squeezing you all night (oh yeah)
Well don't you know that holding you, squeezing you, loving you
is my favorite thing
Hey! Yeah, I know. Shocking! Four posts in one week!!! I don't know what is wrong with me!
That aside and now that I finally got 400 out of the way, I shall push forward.
There have been thoughts that I have been putting to "paper" during the hiatus. I told myself that I wasn't gonna post that kinda stuff no more because you didn't come here to be depressed or listen to me complain. HOWEVER, I see the error in my ways. And I am inspired to come to you via pirate internet! That kind of motivation forces me to get back to basics. I gotta go old school on ya. So you get it all.
That said, I will be organizing those thoughts and posting them. Posting for several reasons which I won't bore you with. And I am sure you can assume some yourself...
But there are five (right now) posts that I am working on finishing. When done they will be mass uploaded and posted on at least five consecutive days... Don't feel bad if you wanna skip them. I won't. Because I must write and these fall in that category of posts that are "audience optional". They will be in similar format and share the same label as this post. Correction, SIX posts! Just thought of another... Don't know for sure how soon they will be up or if they are even next in line. But they are coming... Just read the label
Yep.
400!
Something special.
Mmmm Hmmmm....
Wrote a song about it!
Like to hear it?
Here it go!
Sun-shine
Blue Skies
It's a wonderful daaaayyyyyy!!!!
Post Four Hunned is here now!
On the twelfth of Maaaayyyyyyyy!!!!! (of 2010!)
Hey! I could have been worse! I could have lazy blogged and you would have had to LISTEN to this instead...
Now that that madness is out of the way... Back to the regularly scheduled madness and rantings! Which shall include renewing the blog list, thinking about another (or no) background, and getting back on schedule (at least ONCE a week)! Peace!!!
Wow. Can't believe I actually arrived here. The post before my fourth Post X00. Brings me to a little reflection. Having... no, PUBLISHING 400 separate streams of thought was not necessarily in the plan when I started. A few false starts. A couple of notable “breaks” and here I am. To be honest though, I thought that post would have been done and gone over a year ago. What can I say? Shit happens, usually to you. But I find that I need this little activity in my life. Even when I ain't got a damn thing to say.
Um... Yeah. This is one of those times. You know like when you pick up the phone and call someone and say I just called to talk and breathe into the phone most of the time. Hey it is a slow news day. My playoff beard was saved from an early shaving last night by the score of 7-1. And Tigers games on the radio will never ever be the same again.
BUT! I did notice one thing. I have been a little bit lazy about closing the blinds at night. So when I sit here There is a blackness backing my monitor that is occasionally interrupted by some other lighting source. It helps me concentrate. Gets me thinking. Which has gotten me writing again. And it never hurts when the lady in the house behind mine shows up in the kitchen at night in her “lady beaters”. Still ain't sure what her ethnicity is, but I know what I like.
And today I feel kinda good. A couple of half and unexpected surprises have allowed us to take a step forward. And it wasn't even anything that important. But still, forward. That was enough to lift my spirits above the cold, rainy, tornado watch weather in Southeastern Michigan on May 7, 2010.
Well, I guess I better stop here and think about the next post. Right now, I have absolutely no idea of the subject, theme, look, feel or any damn thing else that might make it up. But I gotta come up with something special. My 3.5 fans are important you know!!!
You know, I am sitting here wondering if this is yet another post that I write that I will not publish. Several times over the last few months, I have gone dumpster diving in the lost and found. Trying to find writing again. I look over the other stuff I have thought about this year. In various stages of development. I planned a whole series, with a theme. Weeks have gone by since then. I have not the will to continue them. And don't at all feel bad about that. I had a conversation with a fellow blogger about the state of blogging in our lives. At that time we both had a few distractions going on. There was a bit of new commonality that we shared. Not necessarily good this time. We were feeling that we were telling the same stories as we had before. Had nothing new to contribute to the community at large. As such, he said he was really thinking about quitting and his post of three days prior was his last. I hadn't updated in months myself. Of course that is somewhat hard to do when you are unaccessed. Then again, I am different too. Yet with nothing to report. You know Same Shit Different Day and such. I think that is why I have trouble finishing these now. Recently I seem to have fallen into a rut. Kinda good, kinda bad. Good because there was some let up in the crushing stress of the household. Bad because that let up allowed me to relax. I wake up every day and feel some measure of joy that things aren't worse. Joy that things aren't as bad as the same day last month. Yet there is always that dread that things will surely become worse without a bit more diligence. Sometimes it is hard to muster though. Things go better on sunny days. And I do find that I am a bit more optimistic than my immediate family members. I guess the adversity has given me a different perspective than the rest. Having lived longer than the others, I see that patience has it's place. Sometimes we have to play for time and let things play out as they may. Kinda like that old grizzly bear standing on that big rock in the middle of the river during Salmon spawning season. But sometimes even I lose sight of that. Much like I just lost sight of what the hell I was trying to say... I believe I just over thought my way out of a good point. But I find I do that a lot too now. Cause that had absolutely NOTHING to do with why I sat down here and started to commit thoughts to “paper”.
Why DID I start this you ask?
Well...
Mostly cause I miss you guys.
I seem to have lost touch with a group of folk who have become very dear to me. I can make all kinds of excuses, but I won't waste your time or mine.
2010 is supposed to be the year that I reconnect with the world. I have been somewhat successful with that. That gigantic distraction called Facebook became my favorite place to visit while online of late. It allowed me to reestablish connections with many people who I have known. And with time being at a premium (that is when I can steal some time online) Facebook comes at the expense of spending less time with you all. Okay, most of you. I actually have managed to engage a few of you more than I did while blogging. But that aside, I need to stop missing you.
I need to upgrade my reconnect overall. I realized that recently when I took on an assignment to do my father's branch of the family tree. I was surprised at how much I didn't know that I think I should. My reconnecting is getting a failing grade I think. I guess to not be a hermit, I can't quit quitting. (Yeah, I stole it. I don't smoke anyway! (much like many Michiganders these days!))
So I continue. I will continue to reach out to many in my life.
The task right now is to jack some Internet and find our just how many of you are still out there. Or for that matter, who even remembers me and where I be.
Of course I gotta be successful in jacking that 'net first...
I come to you today in a rather different mood than usual. I told myself that I was gonna stop coming here until I had something worthy of your time. Posting on the regular about the same old complaints is no way to treat the folk you don't hate. So I took a step back to work some stuff out. Of course some have found that I have filled that space with a bunch of time on Facebook. That time was well spent when not on Farmville or Mafia Wars. There I am reconnecting and engaging people more than ever before. I have even found a bit of clarity. I got there in no small part to Brother Brown Blogger. I am not sure he even realizes how much. Yet the struggle continues. I have yet the achieve the comfort level necessary to return here full time. I guess I feel now that time spent blogging could be time spent job searching. So I only show up occasionally these days...
As I said though, I come to you today in a rather different mood than usual. I thought I was keeping it together and everything was cool. I was lying to myself. I feel a hot damn blubbering mess. I feel that way because death has visited my family three times in the last 11 days. Three. As I said, I thought I was okay. But then I have realized that the memorial blog posts haven't been written. They aren't in draft. And tears were unshed. I guess I could blame my mood on a case of S.A.D.q and some Maxwell song lyrics, but that just don't cut it for my satisfaction.
I guess the whole life and death thing becomes very magnified at such an unusual time. Here one day, gone the next. Very philosophical and yet a very real and pressing issue. Makes you question things. If I were suddenly removed from this existence, how would it affect people? As it stands, right now my father's line would not continue through me. My wife's load would not be eased because disposing of my remains would fall on her and whatever family members who could help. These two things keep me awake at night. I am pretty comfortable with the rest of my legacy I guess. I have loved as best I can. I have taught as well as I could when I could. I have been as good a person as I could be (for the most part).
I guess there is a lot of pent up frustration along with a lot of sadness. That is the only thing that explains to me why a song had me losing control of my tear ducts and emotions. I guess thinking about the possible meanings of Pretty Wings and people being gone and the state of health and the fleeting nature of life opened the flood gates. I have had an opportunity to get up and move out into the world since I started this post. I have a little more perspective on the whole incident. And I am cool with what happened and why.
I guess my reaction was a bit delayed because of where I am in my life. The usual anger at not having any more chances was not there as much. There is still a little bit there. Being housebound, I couldn't get to see my Uncle Jack during his last days. But we spent much quality time before his last sickness. And I drunk a my fair share of his wine an was exposed to a bit more world culture than if he was not around. Hell, I might just do something unlike me and blaze one up on his behalf. It was one of his favorite hobbies. My Uncle Ronald I haven't seen in a bit. He been absent and such and we haven't run across each other. I regret that I didn't make it to his baby boy's funeral a couple of months back. As a result, I missed another opportunity with him... And I never got to know my cousin's husband really. They moved to Texas a while back. But she is extremely dear to me and sweet as pie. So I feel that loss more for her than for me.
I guess I will continue to worry until I can leave a little security blanket around for my wife. And I won't be all the way done with being here until I have left heirs for my family and the world. But I feel better now that I have shed some of those tears. I acknowledge that there is more love to be spread. There are more moments to share. There is still time to spend with those who are still here.
In fact I am gonna spend a little more time with the little visitor that is here right now. She finds nothing more hilarious than to run like mad and getting in my computer chair when she sees that I am not in it. Guess I gotta sit through some Beyonce and Ciara videos now...
p.s. Hassan, don't think I don't see the irony in me being on this side of this conversation today...
Sorry I had to do it to you! You know I hate comment verification as much if not more than you! But the spammers seem to be the only ones who come by on the regular these days. And fuck them!
So in the future, comments will require verification. Sucks, I know. But I tire of deleting bullshit comments that have absolutely nothing to do with what is going on up in here!
But as always, love.
