Strange Happenings

::: long damn story alert! :::

I had the strangest incident happen to me yesterday. I got up and found that my dog really did remember how to not piss on the floor. I was excited for him! A little. So I wasted no time getting my gear on to get him outside before his memory had another lapse.

I then noticed the strangest thing. Somebody was sitting in the sidewalk. Not necessarily mind blowing, until you consider that it was 45 degrees. That meant it was raining out. And my sidewalk is covered with dirt because my nephew is ghetto as hell. But I figured I wouldn't get much accomplished by standing in the window wondering about what I was seeing.

So I grabbed coat, hat, leash, dog and will to travel out of doors. And I find the same person laying in the muddiest part of the mudwalk in front of the house. So I parked the dog at the door and ventured out alone. I noticed the woman trying to get up then. So I am thinking that she is in need of SOMETHING that will help her up out of the mud. "Are you okay?" A perfectly reasonable question at the time although I didn't expect a positive answer all things considered. I was not prepared for the answer I got. "Mmm mmm Mmmm Mmmm." Okaaayyy... Didn't quite get that so... "You need a hand up? You look like you are having a little trouble." This time I get a nod. So I help her up and in the process discover the likely cause of the distress. I almost got high off the fumes. This was the first time I had seen "unable to be upright drunk". I had seen falling down, sloppy, angry, crying, pissy (literally), stupid, philosophical, lying and even combative. Hell I have even seen "I thought you was on crack" drunk. But this was a first.

I got her stood up and she seemed to know where she was heading. I started to let her go until she did that drunk ass crab/backward walking thing folk do when the coordination is shot. So I held on. Easier to hold on than to pick her up again. At this point I ask if she has a phone number or something so I can call somebody to come and get her. I get a shake of the head. I also get no joy on the address question. It didn't yet seem like a 911 kinda issue, yet. And either way I couldn't leave here there because me and dog had an urgent appointment at a fire hydrant. She was already having a bad enough day, so I figured that having to deal with a pit bull when you can't even stand was a bit much. So I decided to keep her upright until she managed to get to the destination she was stumbling towards.

Now I have to say that this is a situation of the blind leading the blind. I had not seen this woman before, and she was incapable of telling me anything useful. So we walked. I imagine it must have looked rather strange. But I saw this girl walking from the direction we were heading toward. So I asked if she knew the lady. I THINK she shook her head. I can't be sure because she DIDN'T SAY SHIT!!!! I hate the young. Three minutes later and another street over we see another young lady at the bus stop. Yeah you heard me, three minutes to go as far as four good spits. But anyway I ask the same question. Now why did this trifling cow stare at me over her damn cell phone like I didn't just say something to her. Did I say I hate the young? Anyway the lady recognized her street just before we ambled past it. Lo and behold, I find someone who knows the lady. Problem solved!!!

On my way back I pray to myself that the dog didn't piss his name all over the walls of the stairway. And I manage to think that I may have done something good that day. Maybe... Then I start wondering about the logistics of the situation. And start to wonder if my sister had something to do with that whole thing.

About four hours later I find out that she was partially responsible. Turns out that friends of hers brought the lady by (uninvited) and left her in my sister's place. Mind you these guys weren't invited either and had actually invited themselves into her place while she was in the rest room. Mind you my sister is paranoid as hell. So she thought home dude was trying to "set her up". But then he did invite himself in, brought company, invited this chick in too AND left the chick (who my sis didn't know) in the crib. Sis was extremely upset about this for the rest of the day.

I almost felt bad for her. She did get treated like dog doodoo. I almost felt bad for the muddy woman too. But beer and Xanax don't really mix. I decided instead to feel bad for me. I had to listen to my sister crying all damn day. And I had to walk that drunken, drugged out woman home scavenger hunt style. Oh yeah, the dog did pee in the hallway. But I didn't clean up because he peed in his old pillow which the trash man took away today.

Yep, I felt bad for me. But what I wanna know is: why you all looking at me like that? Don't act like y'all don't know what the fuck is up. This IS the Year of the Selfish!!!! Ya betta recognize! Who did you think I was gonna feel bad for?