Dissatisfaction Maximus

I have done it! I have hit the wall. I have gotten as low as one can get without taking actions that are described by words the end in -cide. And if you really know me, you are absolutely positive that "sui" ain't on the damn list!

Why?

I am halved. The person who makes my existence wonderful sleeps in a room 10 miles away.

I am broken. I am supposed to be the linchpin of an organization called My Family. And It seems my extended family. Of course things ain't working so well cause the pin is broke. So the whole thing runs like a triangular wheel. Imagine if you will, trying to take a shit on a toilet seat that doesn't have the screws that attach it to the toilet. Not the most stable situation. Trust me, I know this first hand. I still ain't figured how my toilet seat fasteners got broke... But that is a different story.

I am in crisis. Mid life crisis. I think. I can't be sure because I am not able to indulge in the kinds of activities that indicate such a crisis. Mine will likely involve a Buell Lightning XB12Scg or a Yamaha R1 (Team Blue). After the starter bike of course... But I can't of course do that because...

I am BROKE! Far too much to say on that one. Neither you nor I have that kind of time.

I owe. Far too much. Not because I am a deadbeat. Not because I am bad with money management. I just looked at my credit reports. Not as horrible as I imagined. More stuff settled than not. Why do I owe? See the answer directly above. I owe the state and three cities because I was too broke to pay my traffic fines. Iris and the remaining creditors because I was not able to complete my debt elimination plan due to an unceremonious dumping into the pool of the unemployed in a HORRIBLE economy. Still ain't cured of that disease. The wife, kids and dog because they deserve far better than this.

I am withdrawn. Life threatening illnesses to both parents over the last five years. The shame of those I loved most turning on each other like a pack of jackals as a result. Bullshit. Lies. Jealousy. Theft. etc. At one point I wanted to slay them all, just to stop them. The parents did survive the illnesses. But they have been changed.

I am suspicious. I don't trust anyone the way I used to. I am wondering about folks motivations nowadays. "What if" lives in the front of my mind. Because of this, I had to make the single worst decision of my life. Because of that...

I am torn. In two. I had to decide between my favorite two people in the world. I had to decide who needed me most. I had to let my wife leave an intolerable situation and in turn me because I couldn't leave my mother in a less than favorable situation. Not after her disability. I would have felt no different than if I had driven a large knife through her chest. Sorry. Not on my watch. So...

I worry. About stress and blood pressure. My wife is under great stress because of logistics and the crap surrounding the situation. My mom had two strokes because of very high blood pressure. I got both on me. My blood pressure is due to the stress (a large part anyway) of the whole situation. The worst part being...

I am dependent. On one or both women. Depending on how you look at the situation. That shit eats me alive. Don't pat me on the back for I may shatter from being so hollow. Or I may choke for being so melodramatic!

I am not happy with the choices or the alternatives. And most unhappy with the fact that I have essentially regressed 25 years. I feel 15 again. Helping to take care of mom through her illness while she supports me. Hmmm... I have come full circle. Didn't see that before. I guess there are too many other complications now for me to look from the outside. But yeah. I am back to that. Cancer instead of Stroke. High School instead of Wife and Kids. Puberty instead of Situational Bullshit. To quote Heather Headley "Oh no, here I go again!"