Flashback Friday: Elementary School Shenanigans

Yeah, I stole the title. And?

Badass Diva reminded me of a story from the way back when with her story of getting busted in school.

I had always been the kid in the class who ran the grading curve up. The one who took to stuff extra fast and then veged out while everybody else burned out brain cells desperately trying to wrap their minds around new concepts. But since I was the quiet type folk decided it was best not to take that as a reason to harass me.

This particular year was a strange one for me. I had just returned to the school where I had started. It was strange because all of my old friends from K-2 were now 4th graders. I came back as a 5th grader. As you can imagine I was much confused because my folks were now the "little kids". Lunch breaks were timed different and hanging with the "younger" crowd tended to stigmatize you. So much for homecomings.

Damn, the same school that the neighborhood kids would go to IF it were still up! I gotta get my shit together and get the hell up outta this place!!!! But I digress...

Anyway, I tried to make the best of the situation and adjust to my new/old surroundings. But I was bored as hell. Mostly because my teacher didn't seem all that interested in things. Maybe it was just me. I just didn't feel engaged. And the class was (strangely enough) not that large at the time. But there were some characters. And like most classes, the minute the teacher left (which seemed often to me) they cut the hell up. For some reason that just completely offended my sensibilities. So I found myself in a situation where I was alienated from my old friends and my new classmates. As you can imagine, lunch breaks got kinda lonely. So I compensated.

It started out by me strolling home for lunch and heading back to school for afternoon class. But you know how bored kids do. It ended up with me not being in school after lunch. Now I know what you are asking. What the hell was he doing in the afternoon? What I would do is go home, get me something to eat and watch TV. Not just any TV though. In case you haven't been reading up to now, I was the brainy kid. So I watched educational TV. Some days I didn't even waste time getting dressed to leave. Sesame Street started some days and I kept on going.

Of course the party never continues forever. Eventually my mom found out around report card time. She looked at the grades and smiled as usual. Then she turned that sumbitch over and found that I had like 47 half days absent! Now usually that would be the end of a playa. But her mind could not wrap itself around the fact that I had a 3.5 g.p.a. and had missed half of school for two whole months. She was hot! And went to school to find out what the damn deal was. The result of the conference was that she found out I was coming in the morning (most days) and leaving at lunch and not coming back. When she asked how I could be getting such good grades while missing all that school, the teacher was at a loss to explain. So of course she checked out on that ass!

She came home with that ass whoopin' look on her face. I just knew my ass was grass. So she asked me what my damn problem was. I kindly informed her I was bored in school and wanted to come home for lunch. I just "forgot" to go back. So she asked me what was so important at home that I would "forget" to go back to school? "I was watching TV" says I. "TV?!?!?" she bellowed. "Yeah, I would watch Sesame Street, and The Electric Company, and The Math Patrol and this other show where this clown teaches you how to speak French while eating Life cereal" And then I proceeded to conjugate a verb in Francais. Turns out that I was learning grammar, composition, phonics, math, science and a foreign language while skipping school. That along with the fact that I was STILL getting better grades than everybody else kept my ass untanned and my TV privileges uninterrupted.

Of course she made THEM make sure I stayed my ass in school for the afternoons. They got in more trouble than I did strangely enough... If I had been smarter and ate the school lunch before going home she might not have done that since the food wouldn't have been disappearing faster than she expected it to. Ah hindsight...

Eyecandy!

Didn't have much to post today. At least not yet. So I will leave y'all with a little visual to help you through your day!



I found an excuse! I found one! Somehow them jeans were gonna end up on this site! And I am sure The Wife will appreciate the last pic, even though he seems to be checking out a butt that is even bigger than hers. But he will live to ogle another day too...

The Soundtrack: The First Pass

Well, I have finally gotten something to work as I wanted it with my new widget. Well I got it to work anyway. I don't like the player too much. It seems it needs a little tweaking. But enough of the griping.

The first pass at creating this soundtrack is complete. I shall add more as I think on what belongs. Some may even change. But hey, people change. So will this soundtrack. And since I am not gonna be lazy about this, a touch of explanation follows.

That's The Way Of The World - Earth, Wind & Fire - These guys and this song represent a piece of my mother's influence and contributions to my eclectic musical tastes. I heard this many a Saturday morning.

You Make Me Feel Brand New - The Stylistics - Same as above, but from my father's sphere of influence. Usually heard with vocal accompaniment if he was/is around.

King Of Rock - Run-DMC
Thriller - Michael Jackson
1999 - Prince - These three songs remind me most of high school. These were definitely the biggest acts in the Detroit area a couple millennia ago. Hell Prince still sells out 8 shows when he comes to town, at the Palace AND The Joe!

The Show - Doug E. Fresh And The Get Fresh Crew - Freshman year at Morehouse, I HATED this damn song!!!! Mostly because I couldn't avoid hearing it to save my life. This is the song most likely to make me think of college life. In retrospect, they were right, I was wrong. This song is the shit!

Children Of The Night - The Stylistics - This song tells the story of my life between my wife and the one who almost was before her. If I had been thinking it would have been what I was listening to whilst riding the nights away...

Seven Days - Mary J. Blige - This song pretty much tells it's own story. I left stopped haunting the night and found my wife. Who was there the whole time.

As - Stevie Wonder - This is the wedding song. The last song that my fiancee heard. The song that escorted my bachelorhood into history. And it says much on it's own.

Be Without You - Mary J. Blige - I guess you could call this one an anthem for my married life. I swear she wrote these two songs for me.

My Favorite Thing - This I would have to say is my favorite song. At least it is now. It supplanted the next song for the top spot. But not by much. Does qualify as tops by somebody I know (sorta).

In The Air Tonight - If you were to ask most folk would tell you this is my favorite. And was for a long time. Mostly because of the sound. The lyrics don't really apply to my situation the other favorite is more appropriate. But to me this is definitely the best of the 80's white boy music.

Now you know a little bit more of my story through the music around my life. I shall flesh out the story more in the days to come. In the meantime, enjoy!

Soundtrack Of My Life

It has often been said that music tells a story. At times it tells the story of a culture. Tells the story of a people. Tells the story of the times. I tend to agree with that. It does indeed tell a story. And it shall tell my story too. At least some of it.

As you know, my blog space here is in a state of transition. As I combine things from the two sites into one, I shall also add things. A little more multimedia in contrast to the stark (mostly) text only style that carried me through the first 150 plus entries. The Thinker has been replaced by the Detroit skyline, although he may return... I have already added pictures, beyond the two of me, and there are more to come. Now I ain't too sure I am gonna go as far as lazy blogging with that voice blog/phone blog thing that seems to be all the rage these days. But I am gonna add some sound.

Soon I plan to add one of those noise making widgets that play music. I shall populate this widget with songs that are relevant to the experience that is me. And if I don't get lazy about it I will post brief explanations of why these songs made the cut. Of course if inspired each song may generate it's own post. But I will leave that all that planning and inspiration for later. I gotta think of what to put in the thing now.

And the layout is still somewhat fluid at this time. So do not be surprised if it changes between visits and back again...

My Midlife Crysis

My arrival at a new milestone is fast approaching. It has gone from years, to months, now to weeks. Looking forward to it? Yes. No. Maybe...

So naturally I am thinking about the things I have been obsessing about lately. I want to get as much in as possible since I am "running outta time". For those of you who are behind the game the list goes a little something like this...



Cars


Bikes


Guns


Tits


Ass

Nothing unusual right? What can I say? All man I am.
Since I bothered to include the pictures, I guess some explanation is involved.

1. The beauty at the top is The ROUSH Performance P-51A™ Mustang. I could go on about this one all day. The short version is - Produces 510hp / 510lb-ft torque.
2. The next in line is the Yamaha YZF-R6. 130hp. More than enough to thrill!
   
3. The third beauty is the Sig Sauer P250. A modular design that you can change between 9mm parabellum, .357 Sig, .40 S&W, .45 ACP. Finally you can choose something that doesn't make you have to choose.I obsessed over on the other site. I will repost that one of course.
4. Tyra Banks
   
5. Serena Williams
   

The last two beauties I do not have any particular desire to get my grips on (unlike the other three) but they are visual representations of what is on my mind. Now I know you are right now thinking "What about wifey?" I know y'all and you women are definitely thinking just that. You fellas are thinking "Damn!" and then "What about wifey?" Worry not. She is what is on my mind when tits and butts roll through my thoughts. Of course ain't no damn way she gonna let me post pictures of her so I had to find some substitutes. Tyra is a bit of a lightweight in comparison but do you know how hard it is to find HALF dressed black women on the internet?

Licenses and Such

Gotta get my licensing straight for my list of items outlined in My Midlife Crysis.

• Gotta straighten out the issues for the driver's license so I can get that Mustang.
• Which also will allow me to get my cycle endorsement so I can get that R6 or Lightning.
• BUT!!!!! I am now all good for that Sig P250 because the State of Michigan has not found me mental or criminal. I got my green card!!!! So watch yaself! If you see the glare from the profile, you may be in danger of leaking suddenly. Just kidding. I don't need them legal troubles. If you see the glare and hear the sound of duct tape though...
• And I already got the license for the last two 11 years ago. So I am good on that one.

I'm Retiring From Blogging...

Yeah. That is right! You heard the line! I am retiring from blogging. Why? Because I don't post nearly as much as I thought I would. I can't keep up. The pressure is too much!

So I as of today I am (semi) officially retiring (mostly) The Truth Is Lamer Than Fiction.

Get ya stomachs outta the knot already! I ain't leaving ya! I am just going to stop dividing my attention/stop ignoring the other blog/keep it simpler.

As a result of this I will be making a few changes here. I like the other layout better than this one. kinda 51/49. Although if I can figure out how to integrate the two to my satisfaction, then I will. Or maybe swap a bit. And I will be moving some of my favorite posts from there to here. The greatest hits if you will. So the previous prohibition of photos on this site will be lifted. And you will see some retreads in the coming days. At least those which fit the mood of this particular blog.

I may bring it outta retirement if I get back to the reason I created it in the first place. But I haven't been doing much in that area lately. Or who knows. The wife may finally get her thing on. Or maybe it might evolve into a team blog thing. We shall see.

Happy Valentine's Day, Or Something...

Happy Heart Day to all o' y'all.

I may be out of the office for a minute. Seems my computer done got infected or something. So I am saying good bye to the contents of my C:\ Drive. Hard disk partitions are good! A second hard drive with the IMPORTANT stuff on it is even better! I learned long ago to not keep anything I want on the same drive that contains Windoze. Because when I whack it only the apps go away. I got those on CD. Sometimes starting fresh is quicker and easier than running all them damn anti-badstuff programs anyway.

See y'all in a day or three. I will be back then with nothing to say then too...

Just Rambling Again...

I got a question for you. Is America afraid that if the black democratic candidate wins that he will make folk pay slavery reparations? I am just asking. Because you know somebody is thinking that shit somewhere and is now desperately giving John McCain campaign contributions RIGHT NOW!!!

I also would like to know why the people we elect and pay to run out collective government are so obsessed with steroids? Did they cause the interest rates to change? Mortgages to default? Gas prices to rise? Troops get issued targets to wear? The writers to go on strike? Rap lyrics...nevamind on the rap lyrics... So let me see. They are digging deep into people "cheating" at games that are played to entertain people. Games that strangely are made more entertaining to watch by bigger, faster and stronger athletes. And don't give me that fair play crap either. Since the governing bodies of the various sports don't even have a consistent stance on the stuff themselves. I ain't advocating cheating. But it does seem something of a paradox. Tilting at windmills if you will. More important, it does not seem a good way to spend tax dollars that most people would rather keep and spend themselves.

Strange Happenings

::: long damn story alert! :::

I had the strangest incident happen to me yesterday. I got up and found that my dog really did remember how to not piss on the floor. I was excited for him! A little. So I wasted no time getting my gear on to get him outside before his memory had another lapse.

I then noticed the strangest thing. Somebody was sitting in the sidewalk. Not necessarily mind blowing, until you consider that it was 45 degrees. That meant it was raining out. And my sidewalk is covered with dirt because my nephew is ghetto as hell. But I figured I wouldn't get much accomplished by standing in the window wondering about what I was seeing.

So I grabbed coat, hat, leash, dog and will to travel out of doors. And I find the same person laying in the muddiest part of the mudwalk in front of the house. So I parked the dog at the door and ventured out alone. I noticed the woman trying to get up then. So I am thinking that she is in need of SOMETHING that will help her up out of the mud. "Are you okay?" A perfectly reasonable question at the time although I didn't expect a positive answer all things considered. I was not prepared for the answer I got. "Mmm mmm Mmmm Mmmm." Okaaayyy... Didn't quite get that so... "You need a hand up? You look like you are having a little trouble." This time I get a nod. So I help her up and in the process discover the likely cause of the distress. I almost got high off the fumes. This was the first time I had seen "unable to be upright drunk". I had seen falling down, sloppy, angry, crying, pissy (literally), stupid, philosophical, lying and even combative. Hell I have even seen "I thought you was on crack" drunk. But this was a first.

I got her stood up and she seemed to know where she was heading. I started to let her go until she did that drunk ass crab/backward walking thing folk do when the coordination is shot. So I held on. Easier to hold on than to pick her up again. At this point I ask if she has a phone number or something so I can call somebody to come and get her. I get a shake of the head. I also get no joy on the address question. It didn't yet seem like a 911 kinda issue, yet. And either way I couldn't leave here there because me and dog had an urgent appointment at a fire hydrant. She was already having a bad enough day, so I figured that having to deal with a pit bull when you can't even stand was a bit much. So I decided to keep her upright until she managed to get to the destination she was stumbling towards.

Now I have to say that this is a situation of the blind leading the blind. I had not seen this woman before, and she was incapable of telling me anything useful. So we walked. I imagine it must have looked rather strange. But I saw this girl walking from the direction we were heading toward. So I asked if she knew the lady. I THINK she shook her head. I can't be sure because she DIDN'T SAY SHIT!!!! I hate the young. Three minutes later and another street over we see another young lady at the bus stop. Yeah you heard me, three minutes to go as far as four good spits. But anyway I ask the same question. Now why did this trifling cow stare at me over her damn cell phone like I didn't just say something to her. Did I say I hate the young? Anyway the lady recognized her street just before we ambled past it. Lo and behold, I find someone who knows the lady. Problem solved!!!

On my way back I pray to myself that the dog didn't piss his name all over the walls of the stairway. And I manage to think that I may have done something good that day. Maybe... Then I start wondering about the logistics of the situation. And start to wonder if my sister had something to do with that whole thing.

About four hours later I find out that she was partially responsible. Turns out that friends of hers brought the lady by (uninvited) and left her in my sister's place. Mind you these guys weren't invited either and had actually invited themselves into her place while she was in the rest room. Mind you my sister is paranoid as hell. So she thought home dude was trying to "set her up". But then he did invite himself in, brought company, invited this chick in too AND left the chick (who my sis didn't know) in the crib. Sis was extremely upset about this for the rest of the day.

I almost felt bad for her. She did get treated like dog doodoo. I almost felt bad for the muddy woman too. But beer and Xanax don't really mix. I decided instead to feel bad for me. I had to listen to my sister crying all damn day. And I had to walk that drunken, drugged out woman home scavenger hunt style. Oh yeah, the dog did pee in the hallway. But I didn't clean up because he peed in his old pillow which the trash man took away today.

Yep, I felt bad for me. But what I wanna know is: why you all looking at me like that? Don't act like y'all don't know what the fuck is up. This IS the Year of the Selfish!!!! Ya betta recognize! Who did you think I was gonna feel bad for?

Some Randomness...

Congrats for Eli looking like a little bad ass white kid in a K-mart trying to wiggle outta the grasp of his mother near toy aisle. That was one of the best plays I have seen in a long time.

And to David Tyree for the catch that made it one of the best plays I have seen in a long time. I bet that ball looked like a big brown titty with a big ass contract attached to it. If you think I am full of shit, look at the way he caught it. Like it was the last titty on earth and was worth millions!

Who would have thought that the game was the most entertaining part of the Superbowl this year? The commercials surely weren't. The shows definitely were not. When did that happen?

DETRIOT -- Police have launched a criminal investigation after 80 Detroit Department of Transportation buses were vandalized overnight on Sunday and many people were left waiting in the cold.The vandals tampered with the ignition switch on 80 buses at the Coolidge terminal and temporarily put them out of order, said city officials.Police said they believe the vandals are employees because the buses were tampered with while inside the secured Coolidge lot.However, police said at this time, they do not have any leads.City officials said the damaged buses had a temporary impact on their routes and services and some people had to wait Monday morning.City spokesman James Canning said they used buses from other lots to cover the shifts of the damaged buses and supervisors were out in the field to keep delays at a minimum.Canning said all but five buses have already been repaired.

Okay, I have two questions on this. First, Why? Second, what fact checker and editor are needing to have their jobs downsized? I mean how can you work in Detroit media and not know how to spell the name of the city?

Only nine more months until GWB is history!!!! Still seems like it is too long...


The following is getting to be too much too...

Detroit City Council President Kenneth Cockrel Jr. today answered critics who thought it was inappropriate for him to take a business trip to Taiwan as the scandal involving text messages between Mayor Kwame Kilpatrick and his chief of staff Christine Beatty unfolded.

“It made more sense to go on the Taiwan trip than ringing my hands over what was happening with the mayor” Cockrel said from his office in the Coleman A. Young Municipal Center.

Under the city charter, Cockrel — not Deputy Mayor Anthony Adams, who is appointed — is next in line in charge of the city in the event something happens to the mayor.

Cockrel said the trip, paid for entirely by the Taiwanese government, had been in the works for a year and was geared toward building economic and educational ties between Taiwan and Detroit.

“The timing was unfortunate, but it was the best use of my time,” he said.

The Free Press revealed on Jan. 23 that text messages between Beatty and Kilpatrick showed they lied in sworn testimony in a police whistle-blower trial last summer when they testified they were not involved in a sexual relationship. The messages also showed that they misled jurors about whether they discussed firing one of the police officials involved in the whistlblower suit.

Cockrel expressed reservations about a proposal that the City Council launch its own investigation into the test messaging scandal to determine whether the city should foot the bill for some $9 million in proposed settlement costs and attorney fees in that whistleblower case.

Wayne County Prosecutor Kym Worthy has already announced an investigation by her office, Cockrel said, adding: “We have to be very careful about launching some wide ranging probe.”

Cockrel said he would probably support Councilman Kwame Kenyatta’s call for a financial audit concerning the mayor’s office. The financial audit would include money being spent on outside legal services.

Man look at them go! Can ya smell the hate in the air? The man is under fire for doing his job (and next possible mayor's job) by opening up and strengthening ties with a trade partner. Instead they wanted him to be here saying "shame on you Mr. Mayor". Seems to me doing something positive instead of wallowing in the negative was the smart play to make.

Da Fart Game!

Sorry, but I just gotta share these!

My nephew recently stated the following to my mom. "I just farted and it don't even stink. It was just air!" Uh huh. This coming from the same dude that slipped a silent one in class and the room had to be evacuated in the midst of a lesson. Whateva muthanukka. Ain't no way anything coming outta them guts could ever be considered anything as benign as air!

Last night while sitting talking to The Wife, my dog choses to get in on the game himself. We had just come in from walking him so there was a reasonable chance that he was empty. So we were sitting there talking about how spoiled he is (her fault). So we were teasing him by playing kissy face. He hates it when anyone gets her attention and he ain't involved. Usually he would bark when he thought I was getting the lion's share of the attention. This time he decided to be a little low key. So he whined instead. The short version of that all is: kiss kiss, whine whine, giggle giggle. After we got tired of having sport with him we just talked about him throwing a hissy fit. This is characterized by him laying down with his ass pointed in our direction. And we made sport of him for that. Of course the two of us being there and not touching him was too much for him to bear so he sat back up and watched us again. About three minutes into this particular bid for attention he lets out this floor vibrating fart. What does he do? Turns around and looks at his ass like he couldn't believe it had the nerve to do that to him. Not a glance mind you. But stared that boy down! He then sniffed the foulness and got up and attempted to walk away. He is more human than I some days...

You know you are having a hard time when your dream self is telling your unconscious self to wake the hell up because one, or both, or all of you farted and the stench is overwhelming in an enclosed space. The really funny part is that the conscious mind is too damn tired to pay attention to the shit talking dream self. Even more funny when the dream self is just trying to get a window open or something. You know that is some bad shit when your dreams are offended. No more milk before bed for me...

Have a stinky day!

Sincerely,

Tha Funkmaster!

Dissatisfaction Maximus: The Rebirth

You will have to excuse my lack of presence. As I mentioned I was recently attempting to find my happy place. Didn't quite... Not enough time...

But if this title seems familiar then you know what is up. Same shit. Every day.

There are days I am here. And not. I have never been the lurking type. But I find myself doing that now. I read some and move on. Comments are bought dearly. And have been somewhat spartan when given.

Often times I find my time online spent giving a number of virtual "tangos" a virtual dirt nap. I seem to catch a few too. Time spent in fellowship with a different community whose job it is to keep the world safe from virtual terrorists.

I often game heavily when depressed. I think I am at medium now.

The major reason for my recent absence is because I was staying with my wife while her mom was in the hospital. A little out of touch without a computer ya know. But I had other things to do with my hands.

The major reason for the title of this post is summed up by what I told her yesterday. "You think things are bad for you? Hell, I just vacationed where you live everyday. Then I came home. Things are the same for you. Mine just went down hill! As much as you complain, I doubt you would trade places." She of course could only agree.

Hell, I am just rambling now. I think I will go walk the dog. Or kill my nephew for rudely forcing me to listen to stuff that I absolutely HATE! Or both...

But in the meanwhile I wish a big beer and hearty back slaps all around to the fellas.

To the ladies I dedicate this warm and loving hug. And those who have big posteriors, an additional wandering hand. You know to check out the firmness and all. Can't have you walking around sagging without somebody telling you about it!