A Dyssturbed New York Adventure: Prologue

Heads up New York! I'm on my way next week!!!

Not sure exactly what that means outside of my reason for going.

But I shall find out as it happens!

For now, that is all!

Lights and tunnels

In life we often find ourselves in a dark place. We get there for a variety of reasons. What we end up with is usually a gigantic stress sammich! And just as often we don’t realize that the dark place is a tunnel. We trudge and trudge through life. We go here and there. One day we look up and find that we don’t exactly know where we are going. This is not to say that we don’t know where we want to go. It’s just that we can get a little lost. We find ourselves detached from the sun that provides energy for growth and warmth. So we stagnate. We grow cold. Not knowing what else to do, we keep trudging on. After a while we will realize that there are only two ways to go in the darkness. We could go back. But going back often means choosing stagnation. It also means quitting. Some do. Then there are those of us who are stubborn and refuse to quit. We realize that we are indeed in a tunnel and choose to go forward.

Of course the problem with tunnels is that they tend to be dark and by definition, enclosed. We discover we are in them when in the process of trudging through life, we run into the walls. Eventually we get our bearings and keep it moving. We walk with the purpose of leaving the tunnel. The end goal is to return ourselves to the sun which has nurtured us and given us the energy to grow. So we trudge in the darkness. Forward or backward we move in the hope of seeing some change in the darkness. We look for that change as a sign that our journey through the tunnel is nearly over.

For those who go back, the light means sameness. Sameness as in the same old shit, every day. This is also known as stuck in a rut. Folk get stuck for a variety of reasons. Some choose to take the “default package”. That is taking whatever you can get for the absolute minimum of inputs. Often this is what those who complain about welfare recipients are talking about. Some get stuck because they try, but can’t get any traction. Often this appears to be someone moon walking in place. And there are others who by no means want the “default package”, but are bound by outside forces and can’t make the desired progress because it would be counterproductive. It’s kinda like being in the deep end of a half full pool while rescuing a person who can’t swim. You could save yourself but the other person would definitely drown. I could go on with many more examples but they are outside the scope of this post.

What is in the scope of this post are two main points.

First is that most people don’t care about the circumstances of YOUR plight as long as they have a convenient container of blame to drop you into. Usually it is the assumption that folk are trying to get all of the handouts they can possibly hope for (the “default package”). Often it is quite the opposite. Most people would choose to not be dependent on handouts if they could avoid it. The silly part of it all is that most of us need to make decisions that set up our future at the time when we are the least capable of making such long range decisions. To my experience there are VERY FEW 18 year olds who are ready to be a) financially independent, b) career tracked, c) parents, d) responsible. There may be some who may be one (or two) of the above but generally speaking most are not. So a lot of bad decisions are made at the time when a lot of our best decisions NEED to be made. And these decisions tend to follow us for QUITE a while. And because of this, ruts happen. Other things in life happen that also side track those who did plan ahead. So ruts happen. And they are hard to get out of because usually the things that you need and don’t have are the things that got you there in the first place.

The second point says simply: The light at the end of the tunnel is not always a train. Sometimes you just find that sunlight that you were looking to regain the whole time. My entire household was recently walking a tunnel in group mode. The kids were trying to ride the path of the “default package”. They turned it around and got back in school, one even has employment. They decided to move forward after realizing that walking back would only get them the nothing that they had before. I eagerly await their emergence from the tunnel. The Wife is no longer moonwalking. She has found the kind of traction that having a husband with a G.O.O.D. (Get Out Of Debt) job (with benefits) brings. Now she is able to plan more and worry less because she is no longer fighting a losing financial battle. For my own part, I was able to pass my mother on to other rescuers and was able to worry about getting myself out of the pool. This in turn turned me into a rescue with my wife keeping me from drowning. Fortunately for us both, our new employers gave us life preservers and are filling the pool so we can climb out on our own.

I may or may not include audio or video for this post. In case I don’t, I am sure that a smart bunch such as you can find access to my new theme song.

Golden by Jill Scott.

Relative Value

This post contains bitching, whining and moaning. If you ain't up for it, I would understand an early exit by you.

These days I am in the unenviable position of... well... being unenviable. For a number of reasons.

Seems the world likes to stamp "Can't do no right" on my forehead on a daily basis. I may just be paranoid but it seems to come from everywhere. I say this because, try as I might, I just can't seem to make anything I devote my efforts to work out.

Job searching has been relatively fruitful yet extremely frustrating. I say RELATIVELY because I have gotten more contacts in the last 30 days than I have in the same number of months. Yet is is frustrating. You know the kind of thing where you get thrown a bone and hit upside the head with an even bigger bone? So far, I have been submitted for three different opportunities and gotten the "Your skill set looks nice, but we think that those skills are a bit rusty. The client isn't gonna want to pay what you are looking for." Fine. I understand the way things go. And I can understand how that might be important for skills in a more dynamic setting. But really, the stuff I do hasn't changed much in a couple of decades. In fact the great majority of folk in my industry think that this stuff is old, outdated and needs to go the way of the dinosaur. In fact, a large portion of the practitioners in the skills I have are nearing retirement age.
(oh dang. Another rejection letter just this minute... Niiiccceeee!!!!)
Where was I? Um... Ah! Yes. So since my skills are probably rustier than a Model T sitting in an old barn, I am told that I want too much. What I want is not even what the market price is. Or for that matter, not even what I made before. But still, that is up to $10,000 more than they want to offer. And that is without a benefits package. I of course am willing to do this because 1) it is a lot more than I am getting now. 2) it will bring my skills current. 3) it will end my extended staycation and give me something to do with my days that won't inspire me to pull my damn thinning ass hair out! (I hope). 4) a momentary sacrifice to be more attractive in the future is only smart business. What do I get told AFTER I give the go ahead to get me in? I get "I don't want to get your hopes up. But that gap is gonna make it hard." WOW!!! So now because there has been virtually NO opportunity for me to stay current (it ain't like I got a mainframe in the basement, them things COST!) I am not even worthy of an offer that a brand spanking new college graduate would get (with benefits)??? I am really tempted to get into more debt, get some sexier and newer skills and leave this mainframe shit alone. If I gotta start at square one, might as well do it with something with a better future. Let them deal with their coming resource shortage without me. BTW, even Wal-Mart don't want me. For anything... SMH...

Of course that translates to other things as well. My overworked wife keeps complaining about being "tired of being the only one to come up with ways to fix stuff" To be fair to her position, I SHOULD be helping out more (AKA paycheck). Now this be a double edged sword to be sure. I could continue to concentrate on trying to fix the problems (leveraging my rusty skills, where I have experience). Or I could stop that (apparent) pipe dream and concentrate on "helping" out (minimum wage job, likely food service or something like that (which I have yet to convince anyone that I am the right candidate)). Path A hasn't worked yet, but is likely to get things squared away a bit sooner. Path B also hasn't worked yet, and is unlikely to make much of a difference but MAY be easier to accomplish. Path C requires more debt and investment to acquire new skills to make A and B unnecessary. Of course it means money goes out and not in. Path D quite frankly is a lot more lonely and in the end only benefits me, yet may be counterproductive and even self-destructive.

Oh and the major problem I am having with that whole "tired of being the only one to come up with ways to fix stuff"complaint is that I am the only one to hear it. Never mind that there are THREE other adult residents in this house who are lacking jobs and completed educations living up in here. And usually there are long term visitors that can come and hang and suck up very limited resources and she is cool with all that! Yet I am the only one who seems to be even attempting to improve the situation.

Unfortunately the one thing I don't have is money. Seems to be the only thing that matters. Never mind that I am trying to add another bread winner to the fold. Forget the fact that I try to do the house husband thing since it is one of the major things I can do to help until I can get money. Put aside the idea that I am trying to limit the effects of erosion to relationships and resources. Discount the fact that I worry about her more than I do myself. Ignore the words that say that her family helps us more than mine does (more on that in another post). AND it isn't even worth mentioning that I am in probably the worst possible position I can see myself in without my health going further down hill, being incarcerated and/or actually being homeless. The big thing seems to be I don't got no check. Oh, and I seem to give bad advice since no one wants to listen even though I tell folk in great detail, what is coming if they continue to do what they are doing...

Needless to say, I am not feeling a lot of love for being a person or having feelings. I sometimes wonder what things would be like if I had a fat paycheck and didn't do shit else but but provide for things that money can purchase. Yeah, I got that rent. Your Navigator payment is in on time. I will bling ya. All the purses and shoes you can handle. Y'all want video games and unlimited groceries and all the toilet paper you can wipe them unlimited groceries off with? Heat lights, water, cable, gear? I got ya! BUT you gotta rub your own damn feet, hold yourself when you need comforting, get your relationship advice from the internet, teach your own damn self how to cook or pretty much anything else you need to know. Look for the check, just don't look for me. I'll be at work, or "working late." Would that make the world better?

At times I think I am being overly cynical with that. Other times I am afraid to even think about what that answer might be. It saddens me greatly to think about my value being about what I can buy for people rather than what I can do for them.

I strive for some balance. I would like to do both. I would like to do it all. But right now I can't, so I do what I can. Somehow that just ain't enough. Sometimes I wonder if this is all worth it.

Mostly because (again) It saddens me greatly to think about my value being about what I can buy for people rather than what I can do for them.

(Now I remember why I started this little space. To talk to folk who are not the people I bitch about. Mostly to get some understanding. Or virtual bitch slapping when warranted. Either way I get outside perspective. There is still a lot unsaid so this might be kinda random. As usual, comment if you feel)

Elation, Pain and Suffering.

Yesterday I literally could have killed somebody. Likely somebody at Ford. Or somebody in a Ford.

The backstory?

Well, I finally got a good contact for a little cheddar again. I mean a REALLY good contact. You know the kind where the recruiter starts sounding REALLY excited because they are about to make a mint off of your ass? Anyway, I had this really good conversation with this recruiter who had a really good feeling that she could get me in this position. I even played the gracious candidate where I threw her a good in-the-range rate and THEN compromised MORE to make prospects look even sweeter. She got as happy as I did. And I got pretty happy as hard as I tried not to. Probably because SHE sounded like she was gonna make bank too!

Lemme pause for a moment to hip y'all to the contract game, if ya don't already know.
Contract houses get job openings from their clients. Their job is to do the marketing and vett the personnel. They of course don't do this for free. In IT, it is not unusual for the contract house to make as much as, if not more than the actual talent. So if you ask for say $30 per hour, the contract house will probably ask the client for $60 per hour. You work at the client, you work for the contract house. The client does not have to pay benefits or worry about extra employees when the work is done. The contractor gets a higher rate in exchange for the lack of benefits or job security. The contract house basically double dips. They get paid for marketing and providing talent AND get a cut for getting the contractor the work. Everybody's happy!!!

Okay, fast forward to Monday. I make the obligatory and necessary follow-up contact. Me being full of hope was hoping to hear "Still thinking about it". NO!!! No such luck. I get "For some reason they put the position on HOLD!!!" WTF? ON HOLD?!?!?!?!?!?!? Now all of a sudden either there is no work or they aren't sure? On Friday the client was being picky. For those who don't understand why I am outraged, I will explain further.

Excitement on the part of the recruiter means that recruiter sees themselves getting another bonus. Which means that the candidate is a near slam dunk for the job. Expectations were high (I know I shouldn't have...) The putting a job "on hold" is the HR version of the pocket veto. Kinda like taking the job off of the market without actually taking it off the market.

What that all means is...

Essentially I just got it with no vaseline

The Verge of an Epiphany. Or a Dawning Realization...

Sometimes in life you come to the realization that you had things right all along. but for some reason you decided to change up, probably to get along with folk better. But I am realizing I had it right way back when I was a kid. But to be more social, I started talking to people. I thought it to be the right thing. But at times it doesn't feel right. Likely because I waste life doing so. I have lately been finding myself less willing to engage in conversations because I tire of the ill use of my time on this planet.
This is A Boondocks Example of how things go at times.

Another example is a recent conversation with my son.
Him: I guess I am not appealing to women.
Me: Um. Do you mind being a little more specific so that we BOTH know what we are talking about?
Him: She (his girlfriend) said that she didn't think I would look right buff and now she changed her mind.
Me: Why?
Him: I saw a comment she made on Facebook about one of her friends. He was all buff and she said "Lookin' good!!!" So now she thnks I would look okay buffed up.
Me: ... (I can imagine you know what I am thinking...)
Him: I guess I don't understand women.
Me: No man really does.
Him: But why?
Me: Okay. Pay close attention. I am gonna tell you, and it's important.
Him: Okay.
Me: They are all crazy!
Him: But why?
Me: Why is it important for you to know why they are crazy?
Him: I guess so I can figure them out.
Me: Trust me, you won't. All you need to do is accept that they are crazy and then you will be able to adjust to things properly.
Him: That doesn't help much.
Me: It will, you just have to spend a little time working it out in your mind.
Him: Ah forget it. I don't really care what she does any more. mumble, mumble, mumble (as he is walking off)
Me: Hold up! That's it? You just walk off in the middle of the convo?
Him: I thought we were done?
Me: Really? How did you get that idea? Did we agree that everything was said? Or one of us said that we were done?
Him: No. But I said I don't care any more so I thought we were done.
Me: You saying that was expressing a thought. It wasn't us ending the conversation.
Him: I thought it did...
Me: I take it YOU are done.
Him: Yeah, I don't wanna talk about it.
Me: Fine! I mean it is rude as hell to walk the hell off when somebody is talking to you. Especially when YOU started it. Ask some damn body else the next time you need advice!

Needless to say that I learned more from this conversation than he did.

Yet another example:
My wife's sister finally got hitched. We thought it never would happen so I only really started believing it after BOTH said "I Do". Now if you even halfway get along with your sister, this would be one of the happiest days in your life. Especially if you were IN the wedding. At least that is my perspective on it. And this is whether or not the sister is being a bridezilla. Yet on this very happy day, my wife is in tears. The next day when I asked her why I was walking around pissed off without being aware of the ACTUAL reason, she replies "nothing". Hmm... two lies in one. Obviously "nothing" is not the problem. And a lie of omission at the same time. So now I get really pissed at her. She was willing to drop some not so veiled references to what was on her mind at the reception and on the ride home. Yet when asked about it, I get "nothing". I get that answer often when I ask her what is bothering her. I am on the verge of not asking any more since it is a waste of my life.

What I can gather is that some foul shit was said to her during her time with the bridal party especially in the previous week (the wedding was on Saturday). Knowing them, a lot of it was about me. This to me is mind boggling since:

1. I treat her family better than they treat me.
2. I treat her family better than she treats mine.
3. The stuff that they supposedly don't like me for are bad things that happen to my life and not actually bad things that I am doing to her.
   

So. I guess I better start listening to the eight year old in me and keep my damn mouth shut, stay to myself and give back only what I get from folks. I am not predicting that it will make things better. For that matter, I don't believe that it will make things worse.

BUT it will keep me from wasting time talking to folk who don't want to hear what I have to say. No matter how bad it may go for them...

Summer Madness

I love the summer. Yesterday I realized that the days are only gonna get shorter until the first day of Winter. That depressed me slightly because it means... well the hell with what it means. I don't wanna depress myself anymore. But I am sure you all can figure it out yourself.

But I do love the summer. Sure, it gets hot as hell. But I don't have to move snow. Or freeze. And it is generally easier to stay cool than it is to stay warm.

More importantly I can ride my bike in the summer. Just me and my machine. It's performance is fixed, mine varies. Which is to say that I am what determines how well we work as a unit. I like that. Glory, mediocrity, disappointment, they are all up to me. Which way the adventure lies. How far it goes. How long it takes. Me, Me, ME! For a lot longer than I sometimes care to admit, it is my happy place. Adventure and solitude in one package. Some days it is the only freedom I have left. I could go on for a while, but I won't.

Why? Because if you are familiar with the bicycle concept you know the truth in the next statement. I shall free my mind and my ass will follow. Quite literally and somewhat figuratively.

More plainly, I am telling you that I am getting my ass the hell up out of this chair and putting it on my saddle. Right now I could use some freedom. I spend all kinds of time in this chair that winter traps me into. No use in staying locked up on purpose when there is a better choice.

Catch ya on the flip...

It Occurs To Me...

...that Grouchy Smurf had the right idea.

...that I am not always the nicest person.

...that I am just fine with the above a lot of days.

...that because of the above, the one two above exists.

...that I am losing my voice, and that is why I don't exercise it here much any more.

...that my desire for change is getting so strong that it is somehow interfering with that change.

...that depression is a very powerful force.

...that people generally just don't give a shit until they have to deal with something on some level.

...that we need two or three more good political parties, because the Democrats AND the Republicans need to be the minority part at the same time. Maybe then they will help each other pull their heads out of their asses.

...that during the summer that I am rediscovering the joys of cycling, a legend is likely summing up his career by becoming a sidekick to his sidekick, all because of a crash. Lance, this beer is for you! And here's hoping that Levi can make up those two minutes and small change before Bastille Day!

...that no one really cares what goes on here anymore.

...that the above is likely true because I don't seem to care.

...that the above is NOT true because time, access and guilt keep me away.

...that one can indeed type quite accurately and complete a thought while reading the insides of your eyelids.

...that the guilt is creeping back. Guess I better get back to what I am supposed to be doing.

...that it ain't gonna happen tonight because I keep nodding off and trying to fall the hell out of this chair!

...that there was a bunch of other stuff that I was gonna say but the bed is drowning out my voice with it's call.

...that I still got love for ya, and I am sending it out to you now!

Good night and have an interesting series of tomrorrows...

25 Shots to the Dome: A Headphone Experience

Played randomly from the playlist...
Sing along if you know the words...

Ay, Yo Doug!
What?
Put ya Bally's on
Yo Rick I was about to, but I need a shoehorn...
Why?
Because these shoes always hurt my corns!

It's got to be real
Girl, I could write a book on how you making me feel
I know I'll never find
Another who could match the love you're giving to me
So...

DAVE!  The dope fiend, shootin' dope
Who don't know the meaning of water nor soap!

Would you mind?
If I touched,
if I kiss,
If I held you tight
In the morning light , yeah?

When I feel you dreaming
I think of sunsets
How high my high gets

Got to be there
Be there, in the morning
When he says hello to the world

But did you know
That when it snows
My eyes become large and
The light that you shine can be seen

They say time can heal a broken heart
And true love never ends
So why not start where we began

Here we go
Walking the road of ecstasy
Taking the load
Of this whole world off our shoulders
The door is wide open for you
The door is open for me

You think that you're in love with me
I think you're beautiful and should be free
I'M JUST A YOUNG MAN GOT LOTS OF TIME
Right now that kind of thing isn't on my mind

Tell ya people that Im comin by (Yeah Yeah),
Got that shit that'll get ya high (I'm on my way),
Talkin' shit cuz I'm off tonight,
and you really got me feelin' right

Where were you, when I said I loved you
And where were you, when I cried at night
Waiting up, couldn't sleep without you
Thinking of, all the times we shared

Let me lay it on the line
I got a little freakiness inside
And you know that the man
Has got to deal with it
I don't care what they say
I'm not about to pay nobody's way
'Cause it's all about the dog in me 

And cant belive
You hurtin me
I met your gurl what a difference,
What you see in her you
You ain't seen in me
But i guess it was all just make-believe

Grandma's hands clapped to church on Sunday mornings
Grandma's hands played the tambourine so well
Grandma's hands used to issue out a warning

For a while to love was all we could do
We were young and we knew
And our eyes were alive
Deep inside we knew our love was true
For a while we paid no mind to the past
We knew love would last
Evry night somethin right
Would invite us to begin the dance

Pretty brown eyes
You know I see you
It's a disguise the way you treat me


Now, Im craving your body,
Is this real
Temperatures rising, I dont want to feel
Im in the wrong place to be real

I heard he sang a good song, I heard he had a style
And so I came to see him to listen for a while
And there he was this young boy, a stranger to my eyes

Sometimes a girl
Will come and go
You reach for love
But life wont let ya know
That in the end
You'll still be lovin' her
But then she's gone
You're all alone

Baby seems like everywhere I go
I see you, from your eyes, your smile
It's like I breathe you, helplessly I reminisce
Don't want to compare nobody to you


You are my light, I have to go on
Have me anyway you want to
Just take care and love me
Til my tension's gone

Trashmen didn't get my trash today
Oh, why? Because they want more pay
Buses on strike want a raise in fare
So they can help pollute the air

When I first saw you Babe
You were lookin' good on Soul Train. (OH!)
Keep stalkin' for you, I saw you there
You were spinnin', dancin' everywhere
I thought to myself
She was so fine
The ways she moved
So freakishly
So was so divine
I thought that
Hey Babe
What she needs is me

Whatcha gonna do?
You can do it too!
The TURBO!!!
Five, six, seven, eight
Right, right, right
Left, left, left
Right, left, kick, kick, knee, knee 
bend down and roooollllll!!!!
On the real, I better get on this,  Wedding is coming soon!


And my own personal favorite as a bonus:


My favorite thing
Next to looking into your eyes
Is making love with you (mmm hmm)
Another one of my favorite things
Next to holding you so so tight
Is squeezing you all night (oh yeah)
Well don't you know that holding you, squeezing you, loving you
is my favorite thing

401 And Beyond

Hey! Yeah, I know. Shocking! Four posts in one week!!! I don't know what is wrong with me!

That aside and now that I finally got 400 out of the way, I shall push forward.

There have been thoughts that I have been putting to "paper" during the hiatus. I told myself that I wasn't gonna post that kinda stuff no more because you didn't come here to be depressed or listen to me complain. HOWEVER, I see the error in my ways. And I am inspired to come to you via pirate internet! That kind of motivation forces me to get back to basics. I gotta go old school on ya. So you get it all.

That said, I will be organizing those thoughts and posting them. Posting for several reasons which I won't bore you with. And I am sure you can assume some yourself...

But there are five (right now) posts that I am working on finishing. When done they will be mass uploaded and posted on at least five consecutive days... Don't feel bad if you wanna skip them. I won't. Because I must write and these fall in that category of posts that are "audience optional". They will be in similar format and share the same label as this post. Correction, SIX posts! Just thought of another... Don't know for sure how soon they will be up or if they are even next in line. But they are coming... Just read the label

POST 400!!!!

Yep.

400!

Something special.

Mmmm Hmmmm....

Wrote a song about it!
Like to hear it?
Here it go!




Sun-shine



Blue Skies

It's a wonderful daaaayyyyyy!!!!



Post Four Hunned is here now!



On the twelfth of Maaaayyyyyyyy!!!!! (of 2010!)

Hey! I could have been worse! I could have lazy blogged and you would have had to LISTEN to this instead...

Now that that madness is out of the way... Back to the regularly scheduled madness and rantings! Which shall include renewing the blog list, thinking about another (or no) background, and getting back on schedule (at least ONCE a week)! Peace!!!

Post 399

Wow. Can't believe I actually arrived here. The post before my fourth Post X00. Brings me to a little reflection. Having... no, PUBLISHING 400 separate streams of thought was not necessarily in the plan when I started. A few false starts. A couple of notable “breaks” and here I am. To be honest though, I thought that post would have been done and gone over a year ago. What can I say? Shit happens, usually to you. But I find that I need this little activity in my life. Even when I ain't got a damn thing to say.

Um... Yeah. This is one of those times. You know like when you pick up the phone and call someone and say I just called to talk and breathe into the phone most of the time. Hey it is a slow news day. My playoff beard was saved from an early shaving last night by the score of 7-1. And Tigers games on the radio will never ever be the same again.

BUT! I did notice one thing. I have been a little bit lazy about closing the blinds at night. So when I sit here There is a blackness backing my monitor that is occasionally interrupted by some other lighting source. It helps me concentrate. Gets me thinking. Which has gotten me writing again. And it never hurts when the lady in the house behind mine shows up in the kitchen at night in her “lady beaters”. Still ain't sure what her ethnicity is, but I know what I like.

And today I feel kinda good. A couple of half and unexpected surprises have allowed us to take a step forward. And it wasn't even anything that important. But still, forward. That was enough to lift my spirits above the cold, rainy, tornado watch weather in Southeastern Michigan on May 7, 2010.

Well, I guess I better stop here and think about the next post. Right now, I have absolutely no idea of the subject, theme, look, feel or any damn thing else that might make it up. But I gotta come up with something special. My 3.5 fans are important you know!!!

Reblog 2010 pt. ?

You know, I am sitting here wondering if this is yet another post that I write that I will not publish. Several times over the last few months, I have gone dumpster diving in the lost and found. Trying to find writing again. I look over the other stuff I have thought about this year. In various stages of development. I planned a whole series, with a theme. Weeks have gone by since then. I have not the will to continue them. And don't at all feel bad about that. I had a conversation with a fellow blogger about the state of blogging in our lives. At that time we both had a few distractions going on. There was a bit of new commonality that we shared. Not necessarily good this time. We were feeling that we were telling the same stories as we had before. Had nothing new to contribute to the community at large. As such, he said he was really thinking about quitting and his post of three days prior was his last. I hadn't updated in months myself. Of course that is somewhat hard to do when you are unaccessed. Then again, I am different too. Yet with nothing to report. You know Same Shit Different Day and such. I think that is why I have trouble finishing these now. Recently I seem to have fallen into a rut. Kinda good, kinda bad. Good because there was some let up in the crushing stress of the household. Bad because that let up allowed me to relax. I wake up every day and feel some measure of joy that things aren't worse. Joy that things aren't as bad as the same day last month. Yet there is always that dread that things will surely become worse without a bit more diligence. Sometimes it is hard to muster though. Things go better on sunny days. And I do find that I am a bit more optimistic than my immediate family members. I guess the adversity has given me a different perspective than the rest. Having lived longer than the others, I see that patience has it's place. Sometimes we have to play for time and let things play out as they may. Kinda like that old grizzly bear standing on that big rock in the middle of the river during Salmon spawning season. But sometimes even I lose sight of that. Much like I just lost sight of what the hell I was trying to say... I believe I just over thought my way out of a good point. But I find I do that a lot too now. Cause that had absolutely NOTHING to do with why I sat down here and started to commit thoughts to “paper”.

Why DID I start this you ask?
Well...
Mostly cause I miss you guys.
I seem to have lost touch with a group of folk who have become very dear to me. I can make all kinds of excuses, but I won't waste your time or mine.
2010 is supposed to be the year that I reconnect with the world. I have been somewhat successful with that. That gigantic distraction called Facebook became my favorite place to visit while online of late. It allowed me to reestablish connections with many people who I have known. And with time being at a premium (that is when I can steal some time online) Facebook comes at the expense of spending less time with you all. Okay, most of you. I actually have managed to engage a few of you more than I did while blogging. But that aside, I need to stop missing you.

I need to upgrade my reconnect overall. I realized that recently when I took on an assignment to do my father's branch of the family tree. I was surprised at how much I didn't know that I think I should. My reconnecting is getting a failing grade I think. I guess to not be a hermit, I can't quit quitting. (Yeah, I stole it. I don't smoke anyway! (much like many Michiganders these days!))

So I continue. I will continue to reach out to many in my life.

The task right now is to jack some Internet and find our just how many of you are still out there. Or for that matter, who even remembers me and where I be.

Of course I gotta be successful in jacking that 'net first...