Releasing Unshed Tears

I come to you today in a rather different mood than usual. I told myself that I was gonna stop coming here until I had something worthy of your time. Posting on the regular about the same old complaints is no way to treat the folk you don't hate. So I took a step back to work some stuff out. Of course some have found that I have filled that space with a bunch of time on Facebook. That time was well spent when not on Farmville or Mafia Wars. There I am reconnecting and engaging people more than ever before. I have even found a bit of clarity. I got there in no small part to Brother Brown Blogger. I am not sure he even realizes how much. Yet the struggle continues. I have yet the achieve the comfort level necessary to return here full time. I guess I feel now that time spent blogging could be time spent job searching. So I only show up occasionally these days...

As I said though, I come to you today in a rather different mood than usual. I thought I was keeping it together and everything was cool. I was lying to myself. I feel a hot damn blubbering mess. I feel that way because death has visited my family three times in the last 11 days. Three. As I said, I thought I was okay. But then I have realized that the memorial blog posts haven't been written. They aren't in draft. And tears were unshed. I guess I could blame my mood on a case of S.A.D.q and some Maxwell song lyrics, but that just don't cut it for my satisfaction.

I guess the whole life and death thing becomes very magnified at such an unusual time. Here one day, gone the next. Very philosophical and yet a very real and pressing issue. Makes you question things. If I were suddenly removed from this existence, how would it affect people? As it stands, right now my father's line would not continue through me. My wife's load would not be eased because disposing of my remains would fall on her and whatever family members who could help. These two things keep me awake at night. I am pretty comfortable with the rest of my legacy I guess. I have loved as best I can. I have taught as well as I could when I could. I have been as good a person as I could be (for the most part).

I guess there is a lot of pent up frustration along with a lot of sadness. That is the only thing that explains to me why a song had me losing control of my tear ducts and emotions. I guess thinking about the possible meanings of Pretty Wings and people being gone and the state of health and the fleeting nature of life opened the flood gates. I have had an opportunity to get up and move out into the world since I started this post. I have a little more perspective on the whole incident. And I am cool with what happened and why.

I guess my reaction was a bit delayed because of where I am in my life. The usual anger at not having any more chances was not there as much. There is still a little bit there. Being housebound, I couldn't get to see my Uncle Jack during his last days. But we spent much quality time before his last sickness. And I drunk a my fair share of his wine an was exposed to a bit more world culture than if he was not around. Hell, I might just do something unlike me and blaze one up on his behalf. It was one of his favorite hobbies. My Uncle Ronald I haven't seen in a bit. He been absent and such and we haven't run across each other. I regret that I didn't make it to his baby boy's funeral a couple of months back. As a result, I missed another opportunity with him... And I never got to know my cousin's husband really. They moved to Texas a while back. But she is extremely dear to me and sweet as pie. So I feel that loss more for her than for me.

I guess I will continue to worry until I can leave a little security blanket around for my wife. And I won't be all the way done with being here until I have left heirs for my family and the world. But I feel better now that I have shed some of those tears. I acknowledge that there is more love to be spread. There are more moments to share. There is still time to spend with those who are still here.

In fact I am gonna spend a little more time with the little visitor that is here right now. She finds nothing more hilarious than to run like mad and getting in my computer chair when she sees that I am not in it. Guess I gotta sit through some Beyonce and Ciara videos now...

p.s. Hassan, don't think I don't see the irony in me being on this side of this conversation today...

Sorry

Sorry I had to do it to you!  You know I hate comment verification as much if not more than you!  But the spammers seem to be the only ones who come by on the regular these days.  And fuck them!

So in the future, comments will require verification.  Sucks, I know.  But I tire of deleting bullshit comments that have absolutely nothing to do with what is going on up in here!

But as always, love.

Special Guest Blogger Alert!!!!!

Sagittarius (The Archer) 22 Nov - 21 Dec
Positive: Sensual, inspiring, spiritual, very happy, open and honest, doesn't hold grudges, full of enthusiasm, sees the best in others.
Negative: Fears responsibility, impatient, a risk taker and gambler at heart, argumentative, has a lack of commitment, they believe in their talents and are highly disapproving of those who don't.

It's that time again folks. I'm back with another one!

Happy Birthday D-Money AKA Taz



Isn't this just the cutest little thing you ever saw? (just don't tell him that) When he got to the end, he proudly announced to all "I didn't drop it!!!"
















This is one of him and Old TSSE splashing in the pool during a Kings Island trip. Note the death grip on the life preserver...




















This is my favorite elementary school picture. Now that I think about it, this is the only good one I have. He chose to make funny faces in the rest of them...















This is the proud youngster showing that he got first place in the science fair! He should have, I worked damn hard on the project!!!! (Please ignore the ashy hands, I try but...)















Mr. Suave at his middle school graduation. Can't wait to see what he wants to wear for his REAL (a.k.a high school) graduation!
Huh? Wha? Who else is that you say? Oh, that is me...

Favorite Story: As you may know, kids can be a challenge at times. As Hubby says, "Kids are good for two things, torment and entertainment!" This particular day SOMEBODY (I won't name him but there are several pictures...) was not being very entertaining. He was losing his mind for some reason and neglected to clean his room after the fifth reminder. So I got fed up and sent him to his room to get it cleaned! He had his radio on to help him through the project. Being something of a music lover, he tended to sing along quite often. Not knowing the lyrics never stopped him. I was headed to see how much cleaning hadn't happened up to this point. I noticed Lady Marmalade was on the radio. I kinda got into it. All of a sudden this little ashy brown creature in tighty whities leaps out of the room. He starts twitching like he was being electrocuted (dancing?) and promptly yells "ITCHY ITCHY YA BA DA DUH!!!!!" I was pretty much done for the day after that.

Another Favorite Story: Yet another day D'Angelo was being a little less than entertaining. In fact I thought he had lost his damn rabbit ass mind! Frustrated to the point of exploding, I decided to act. I figured I would try a "non traditional" method of discipline. So I said, "All right D'Angelo, that's it! YOU GOING INTO TIME OUT!!!" He stopped and looked up at me. Then he said in the cutest little four year old voice "Time out for what mommy?" I was done then too! Obviously the time out don't work...

Happy 18th Birthday D'Angelo!!!!