Gynecologist

I never wanted to be a gynecologist. Why do you ask? I asked myself the same good question. I mean why wouldn't a red blooded, healthy, heterosexual, young, man whore like myself not enjoy gazing into The Gates Of Heaven all day long? Why indeed... Because I do like gazing into The Gates Of Heaven. And I like passing through those gates into that heavenly place. Why? Obviously because I am not gay and a man whore. Why else? You even paying attention?

And the added bonus is that you get to peer into several different gates all in one day! I could even give you a blog version of my day but my real wife or my blog wife would have something to say about that. And I don't need that drama. But needless to say, a wide variety.

There are TWO reasons that it would be the job from hell for me.

1. Women tend to go see the "woman doctor" for regular checkups and such. And that would be good to get regular visits from your favorite ... patients... Especially the ones that wax... BUT! often you would get those who come in ... um... unexpectedly. Even worse without an appointment. You know, those ones who are having issues with their stuff? And those really bad cases would be the worst. Without getting too graphic, it is like having a nice thick juicy prime rib with baked potato, sauteed onions and mushrooms, horseradish dip, and all the other fixins to boot and have maggots crawling all over the everything. Would you wanna eat that. Me either. Neither of them! That is the kinda vision that would put a brotha off of eating steak/pussy for good. Might make you give it up totally!!!!
2. Overexposure tends to desensitize the senses and (horror) the libido. All I know is the first time my face is close enough to some (healthy) poonanny to smell it and my dick does not get hard, my life will officially be over and done with.

Fellas, you know what I say to be true!

An American Tail: Feivel Goes To Hell

BREAKING NEWS!!!! This just in...
(Dang, looks like y'all get a bonus post today...)



Yes siree! it is a done deal! This little sumbitch is officially KIA!




I will have to give it to him he did have some superior Survival, Evasion, Resistance and Escape skills. I must give him (or her, don't really care which!) a nod of respect for that. But in the end this one's S.E.R.E. instructor neglected to mention the fact that arrogance, overconfidence and sloppiness gets you killed when up against a patient and crafty opponent. This one failed to maintain a stealthy movement profile when in close contact with the enemy. So Feivel got got! By a mesh refuse container and two black t-shirt bags... And a lot of water!

Let them know who you ran up against. Who got you. In fact, show them a picture...




Funeral services were held at my garbage can outside. Internment will be at the Detroit Incinerator, where he will join many friends and relatives who have previously left this august institution...

That is all!

Random: By The Addict and The Second Sixty-Eight

I had the urge to blog, but nothing in particular to write about. How's that for an oxymoron?
That ain't unordinary in blogworld. You just have enough awareness to mention that you do it...

I think this is one of those times where I'm just going to write about random things I think about and wonder if anyone else does too. Here goes...
You must not have read all of my friends to the right. Some of them are quite good at it too!

Why do people not use their turn signals correctly? They just drive, slow down, turn and expect us to know that's what they are going to do. That really irks me to no end.
In Michigan we get a different spin on it. See the asshole in question starts out directly behind you, changes lanes and speeds past you. Then changes lanes back in front of you. Just to make a left turn. Known as the Michiganander Left. Not to be confused with the Michigan U.

Why do white people feel the need to hook up the only two black people they know?
Because they don't want you two black folk bringing your obvious sexual supremacy in front of the white meat they have their eyes on...

I watched a young lady buy a $319 pair of jeans the other day. Would you?
Only if there is an LCD TV in the ass. And then I would put them on a hanger and hook them up to cable. Cause wearing them would be much like putting four TV monitors and a DVD player in a 1985 Caprice Classic. YES that dumb shit is common here in the City/Country.

Don't you hate it when you see someone, and you know they see you but try to act like they don't?
Only if I was trying to talk to them at the time. But usually if they are doing it then I am trying even harder to not see them.

Does anyone besides me miss Inspector Gadget? Martin? New York Undercover?
Funny that you mentioned Inspector Gadget. I am listening to The Show as I type this. Weird!!!! Still get the other two in reruns. Martin got stupid near the end. In fact NYU did too after they killed off half the cops...

Did anyone (besides me) eat Bonkers when they were a kid?? Man, I used to love those things!
I had to go to Google to remember what you are referring to. But I had them once or twice... Sigh... candy...

Are you going green? It's all the rage right now.
Nah. Usually I start to go blonde around this time of year...

It cost me $47 to fill up my Toyota Corolla last week. That's a problem.
The last time I drove my car I got pissed that it cost $25 to do the same thing...I gotta get out more. But then again, I can't afford it.

Why is it that people often won't do in return what you are willing to do for them without question?
No idea

Did Jay & B really get married?
Still SMDH myself... Mariah and Nick too.

How come our audio is often not linked up with our video? (In other words, why do we say one thing and do another?)
Too many kung fu movies as kids trained us to be synced badly.

Do you ever wonder if people speaking another language are really talking about you?
Often. But if they are fuck them! Talking is all they better think of doing!

Charlie Murphy once said on an episode of Dave Chapelle, "even when slapping was fashionable..." Was slapping ever fashionable?
I imagaine it happened at sometime in Dave Chapelle world...

Do you love like it's never going to hurt...even when it does?
Who doesn't?

Untested Poonanny

I have heard a lot of women brag about how good the stuff is. I am usually one to agree with them since I am a firm believer in what my daddy told me. "All putty is good putty. If you see one sitting on top of a garbage can then even she didn't want it. Aside from that, putty is good" Yeah, I know. But you gotta meet Dad to truly appreciate the comment.

But! There is one issue. That issue of HOW good it is. If I ask and you say it is good then I believe you without reservation. If I ask and you say it is "The Bomb" or "The best you are likely to have" or "Tha shyt" then you are likely to generate my Spock eyebrow. Not that I have anything against a woman being confident of her ability to make me feel positively wonderful. But... I will just say it. Some leave a little doubt in my mind. Then I want some evidence that the claim could even be partially true. I ain't saying that average is a bad thing. Average in this particular field is awesome. But claiming to be better than The Queen or The Diva or Stella's best bud, well that takes some stones.

I am gonna need some proof. Cause you keep telling me this and telling me that. You say once I'm with you, I'll never go back. You say there is a lesson you wanna teach. Well here I am baby, Practice What You Preach! And short of wowing me sweaty style, the only way you are gonna get the Spock brow down is to provide:

1. Video. Might be acting. Might not. But I would tend to believe what I see if it ain't an obvious porno job.
2. Testimonials. Having a couple of brothas (or othas) say that you sitting on something better than platinum might do something towards easing my doubts.
3. Samples. Nothing is better than first hand experience. Even if it ain't but for 30 seconds.
4. Kids. Yeah, kids. Pussy that has not dropped a kid is untested. That is the way I see it. Because I know if you are an honoree on Mother's Day then you have made SOMEBODY cum his ass off all up in ya! Which means that I have a good chance of doing the same thing! So all you MILFs have a definite advantage when all other things are equal. unequivocal, undeniable proof that you can get me done!
   

The Real Me vs. The Blog Me: By Opinionated Diva and The Second Sixty-Eight

"There's no telling when I'm down for a jack move!!!!"

As you can plainly see...

So I am gonna spin this one for you.

I curse a lot more on the blog than I do in person. (Nah! the other way around for me... "cussin' since the age of talk" as mom says...) Sometimes when I’m writing, I just feel like shit, fuck, bitch, etc truly does emphasize my mood on paper, in person you have the added advantage of seeing my facial expressions, erratic hand movements, so it’s not nearly as necessary I guess you get the full effect. Unless I’m usually totally relaxed with you, then it’s no holds barred and I’m unapologetically cursing like a mf gd sailor just because *shrugging* I’m so very experienced at it. such an effing lady who likes to curse.

I think I channel my inner sha-nay-nay sailor on the blog, but your first impression of me in person is probably going to be that you think I’m slightly boughie and somewhat stuck up. I can appear standoffish at times. I guess people who aren't constantly running off at the mouth intimidate people for some reason... My sister says it’s It could be my body language…the way I hold my head to the side, arch an eyebrow…that thing I do with my eyes…like I’m judging. Whatever. I never want to make anyone feel like I think they’re beneath me, but sometimes my eyes witness some fuckery, and I can’t help looking at someone like they must be out of their got damn mind. See…there’s the cursing again. I’m just not great at hiding what I’m thinking…is what I’m trying to say.

Patience is not one of my virtues when dealing with stupidity, but I think I have more patience in real life than I convey on the blog, which is understandable since a lot of my posts are rants about something that really annoyed the hell out of me. I should probably write more about the normal stuff in my life, but normal is boring. I know there are plenty of people who enjoy writing about boring things (gag)…that is not something I want to do.

I can’t think of any other ways that I might be different (but I did throw this post together in under ten minutes(Yeah, it took me about that long to revise it too...))…so I think that’s it.

Wait...one more. I think I'm much more revealing on the blog than I am in person. Okay... I know I am.

How are you different (if at all)?

Internet Stalking

Has stalking gone high tech? I am not talking about a Chester hanging out in chat rooms trying to lure loose moraled teens into hell. I don't mean Robert Downey Jr.'s latest "ultra fan". No. I mean High tech stalking gone network style!

If you a baller, you betta watch ya ass! The groupies have formed a club and they got surveillance on your ass! Check out Baller Alert! What is it? Well hear it from their mouths...

Introducing BALLER ALERT: The Ultimate New Nightlife based Text Service That lets you know what celebrities are where so you can get there! If you think it’s all about the Paparazzi you haven’t met the textarazzi.

Dang. I wasn't ready for this...

People as Things

While doing some reading recently I ran across the pitfalls of cloning. Basically the whole overarching story was that these beings were created as a product and were made to fulfill a need. Yet they were never thought of as people. Not really thought of as flesh and blood creatures because the were born to a test tube and an incubation chamber. Not really people because they were created to combat something that was also a creation.

I found that attitude a bit sobering. I started to think about how this attitude was very similar to the way slaves were treated in the past. Then I stopped thinking about the past. I thought about the present. That attitude is still prevalent in society today. In fact it isn't even limited to a certain group anymore. I am even guilty of it.

People are defined by their roles as objects. At least that is my point of view at times. And maybe it is just me. I am a northerner, the snow makes us mean... But I find myself thinking of people by the what and not the who. The UPS man, the mailman, the police officer, the doctor, the checkout lady, the stock dude, the lawyer, the judge, Paris Hilton. See. A whole list of people who are not people. And if you think I am wrong then tell me how much you care about Paris Hilton's feelings. She may be a wonderful, caring, human being who is caught up in being a persona. I mean she could be but...

Anyway, think about all of the times you actually interact with someone who passes by your life. Not the ones you know or interact with on a regular basis. I am talking about the ones who fill a role or come by once and are gone forever. Do you tend to think of the person you met or their persona?

It is especially true here in Blogland. To various degrees we all strive for both. Due to the relative anonymity we tend to portray a persona when blogging in general. But sometimes the posting gets very personal and reveals that which only our loved ones see in reality. Then the person tends to come out.


How often do you see the person?

How often are you seen as a person?

Random Countdown Meme: By Freaky Deaky and The Second Sixty-Eight

I’ve been looking for a meme to do for awhile and I finally found one that didn’t seem like a popularity whore high school girl or closet case emo boy wrote. I got this from Freaky Deaky's blog and jacked it wholesale. He stumbled on this from Southern Gal’s blog who stumbled upon it on another blog.

TEN random things about me:

*I’m a misanthrope. One who hates or mistrusts humankind. Hmm... Okay, i find myself doing that sometimes too...
*I don’t like getting my hands dirty. And especially not greasy.
*I can build computers.
*I’m better at solving hardware problems with your computer than I am with software issues. I'm 50/50 with that...
*I’m sipping on pink lemonade as I answer this meme. See that would be good if it has some of that citrus vodka in it too!
*When I was younger some “experts” thought I might be autistic, partially deaf, or something else. Really? All I managed was to get kidnapped...
*I’m a homebody and prefer being indoors.
*Between the ages of 2-5 years old I rarely spoke to anyone unless I absolutely had to. In fact I still do at times...
*People are often surprised at how soft spoken I am.
*I’m a nonconformist sometimes.

NINE ways to win my heart:

*Compliment me (regularly) without me having to compliment you first.
*Do nice things for me out of the blue.
*Seduce me (physically and mentally).
*Make me laugh.
*Be a good kisser.
*Wear cute panties.
*Dress slutty for me.
*Random acts of affection.
*Understand me.

Can't argue with that list. Onward...

EIGHT things I want to do before I die:

*Become a father. Of ones that look like me.
*Learn how to be a cracker and hacker.
*Fuck a woman of every nationality. This was on my list BEFORE becoming a husband.
*Write a novel. Yeah! The Tales of Force Commander...
*Write a screenplay. Or direct/produce the movie version of the above novel.
*Visit all 50 states and the other continents. Hopefully by motorcycle.
*Fly a plane. Since I won't be realizing that dream of being a naval aviator, I will settle for a P-51 Mustang. From Roush or course...
*Win the lotto. And I mean REALLY big!

SEVEN ways to annoy me:

*Not giving me your undivided attention.
*Making me constantly repeat myself.
*Inflicting your entertainment on me!
*Smothering me/not giving me space when I need it.
*Borrowing stuff without permission and without returning it. I think it is called stealing...
*Not returning stuff in the condition I gave it to you when you borrowed it.
*Being a pussy ass lurker, scary bitch ass lurker, dick sucking punk ass pillow biting lurker (oh wait they’re all lurkers so there really is no difference) lurking on my blog. I was prepared to change this one but it was so well said...

SIX things I believe in:

*Everybody has a price.
*Respect is something that everyone deserves but many don't know how to give it to get it.
*Actions and words are equally important. But only if your word actually means something...
*Ass, cash, or gas nobody rides for free.
*Any woman who hides behind outdated, traditional gender roles isn’t worth my time or energy.
*A good relationship is like a mirror, you get out of it what you put into it.

FIVE things I’m afraid of:

*Losing my favorite people any time soon.
*Having nothing to live for.
*The decline of my health.
*Not making a difference.
*Not being able to control the darkness and anger inside of me. Oh... I see you read the Slughurler posts...

FOUR of my favorite things:

*Holding The Wife
*Going to the movies.
*Kinky sex.
*My Computer

THREE things I do everyday:

*Blog, read or write
*Eat
*Shit

TWO things I want to do right now:

*Paint someone’s insides. I think she knows who she is!
*Get out of the house. And on a spanky brand new YZF-R6. Or in my spanky brand old Mustang.

ONE person I want to see right now:

Granny.

You should know by now that I think you’re all funny acting so I’m not tagging anybody. I dont' think y'all funny acting. But those I would tag are already showing signs of permanent hand prints. And this shyt was hard enough WITH the help. I wouldn't make anyone feel obligated. If you do this on your own though...

Another Dyssturbed Mental Image...

Lemme ask you a question.

If you rolled up on the hot tub and found it occupied by

This guy




And this chick



And this chick


(see I told you there were big boobed asian chicks!)

And these chicks




With these items nearby









Would you find that Dyssturbing?

The Nosey One.

Okay Ms. B, here is the rest of the story. I have this nosey neighbor who seems to spend a bit of time "monitoring" other people's situations. Normally I wouldn't consider that a bad thing. Especially when my answer to "you nosey" is "I call it situational awareness, you gotta know when the hell to duck!"

But it seems that a good portion of her ire is directed toward where I live. Not saying she don't have ammo but dang! I know they noisy and ghetto and messy. I know because I complain to them all the time! But why do she got the Detroit Police on speed dial? I mean aside from the noise (which it seems she never calls them on...) they keep it mostly confined to this property. Yet for some reason she feels the need to mind folks business over here.

And why she gotta call the popo on the kids when they just wanna play basketball instead of being in "bored" and causing trouble. She done got about five or six of those portable basketball rims taken by the police. And the kids weren't even near here property. My thing is that if they are ballin' then I can see their asses and know I am safe. One time she did that a couple of days before school. The kids were pissed. And since they were bored AND pissed of course you know mischief followed. So at some point after the police left (yet again) with the basket ball rim, a large brick invited itself into her living room. Via her plate glass window. I guess somebody was trying to deliver a message.

At the same time we were doing the last minute school shopping. So we were three or four cities away at the time. When we came home we noticed a guy putting up some big ass pieces of wood over her window. So we are scratching out heads while unloading bags. Then the teens hanging out let us in on what happened while we were gone. It was a LOL SMDH moment since we all KNEW something like that would happen eventually.

Jump to a week later. My wife gets a letter addressed to her from an insurance company she never did business with. She opens the mail to find out that the insurance company was planning on filing charges/a claim AGAINST OUR SON for the broken window! Which naturally sent her into a tizzy! Especially since you already know we were three cities away at the time of the incident in question.

I managed to get her to calm down while simultaneously getting myself suitably spun up. (I start calm and work up...) We discussed strategy and tactics. Thought about which other windows wanted to join the first one. And thought about which of her attorney friends would most like to earn some extra coin from the lawsuit we were about to file. That lightened the mood somewhat.

Before talking to her friends, we decided to call the insurance company to ask what was their major malfunction before the litigation began. It seems that the insurance adjuster assumed that Mister was involved because his FIRST name was given to the investigator by some unrevealed witness. They backed into a connection to The Wife somehow and bam, the letter. She then promtly informed them that

1. We were not in the city at the time of the incident.
2. She has corroborating witnesses as to times and locations of the accused.
3. She had paper documentation (receipts) with those times and dates (school shopping, remember?)
4. There was no police report that said HER child was the person of interest since the first name but not the last name were correct.
5. The police did not question anyone at the house about the incident.
6. It was strange they would try to get money out of her with NO proof that would stand up in court.
7. That she was gonna sue that woman right out of her damn house for stalking and bearing false witness (yeah, I know, but it is dramatic license...)
8. And most important, that her attorneys were gonna get WELL paid from digging into the insurance company's DEEP pockets for such fuckery. (And you know if the attorneys get well paid, you get paid even better!)

After all this and a few legal references that I can't remember, the lady on the phone said that they had some suspicions that things were not quite what the lady was saying. The matter would be dropped and they would discuss the possible pitfalls of accusing innocent people of property crimes with their customer. Let her know that they were the ones who would pay the most in such a case.

Since You Asked...

Lemme see.

Mom is outta the hospital and back home. Getting all spoiled and such. GOOD coffee on a regular basis. HOME cooked meals. Finally got that rib she been wanting. And home made macaroni and cheese. I can tuck that recipe into my belt now. And her blood pressure is trying to run normal. Half a million pills, but trying at normal. She does need to learn to trust in her assistance because for some reason she wants to put the good arm right where it will cause the most problems. But okay nonetheless.

The dog is currently desperately trying to get the potato chip I just threw at him. Look at him go! I would attach video but I can't get it off of my phone at the present. I think he is finally realizing that a clean floor = full bowls. And that outside is better than inside. And that if he HASN'T already used the bathroom he gets to go OUT. Of course he did have a bad couple of days. I swear it seemed like he ate a whole pack of tube socks or something. Three days straight he managed to have me standing around while he passed yet another sock. And then he spent the next day alternately puking and crapping all over the floor. I do wonder if he managed to have gained enough sense to not eat clothing, unless the burglar is still in them of course...

Not much is new in the hood. The nosey old chick is still stalking the kids and calling the po-po on everybody she can. You would think she learned after having that brick invite itself into her living room through the plate glass window and then accusing my son of the crime and having my wife (paralegal) threaten to sue her insurance company and her ass out of her property. We were of course three cities away when that shyt happened. Folk still stripping houses like crazy. Somehow the one that was nothing but shell managed to catch on fire. Who... I mean how I don't know. Oh yeah and the po-po rolled up in front of the crib yesterday. They jumped out and was all up in the driveway. Turns out they were narcos. Somehow my nosey nephew found out they were looking for a crackhead who had been stealing people's pipes. I assume he was boosting from houses that were occupied since they were chasing his ass.

And I am horny often and I suspect the blood pressure medication is working a little TOO well in... uh... places...

Something Old And Something New

Okay. I been cheatin'. I admit it.

Before any of you get your panties in a bunch and find your way to the tiny village of uproar, don't!

I haven't been cheating on The Wife. I been cheating with her!

Now that I done stunned ya into silence. Close ya mouth too.

Because I been cheating on YOU! A couple of audio posts have been directed in her direction (for you to enjoy also). Which means technically I haven't been giving you what you need. And I know you need me as often as you can get me. I know, I know. So wonderful, so wonderful! I won't get off into all the whys of my latest posts, or lack thereof, but I will say that I have been reading and commenting more often than I do my own thing.

But I have been uninspired. And because of that I don't post much. And even when I do post it ain't much...

So I am gonna change that. I am gonna let YOU inspire me. Since I read more than I write now, I will use that reading as a basis for writing my own stuff for the second half of May anyway. So I will be jacking posts!!! Just wanted you to know. So when you come here this month, you MAY find that you coauthored a post here like OD has done on a couple of occasions. Or you may get the feeling that could have written this post yourself, you may have (sorta). Of course any posts that get jacked will have my own special dyssturbedness interjected into the mix. So get out there and write me some good seed material folks!!!!!

Babe...

I Truly Adore You...

And Happy Mother's Day!!!

Lurkers and Comment Whores

You know a lot has been said about lurkers. A LOT! And still somehow it ain't enough. Why you ask? Well that is a very good question. Because them sumbitches is rude!!! Why you ask? Another very good question!!!! Because we bloggers are generally comment whores. Not saying that everybody is. But let's face it. If we didn't want comments and the resulting dialog, the we would just have idle thoughts and keep that shit to ourselves.

Why are we like that? Yet another damn good question!!!! You're getting quite good at this! Because we like interfacing with others and the attention doesn't usually hurt the ego.


What...? Yeah, that is the explanation. What were YOU hoping for, the meaning of life?

Of course you are honor bound to leave a comment now. Just because you know what is up.

The Ghosts

This one was an interesting one. He was hiding out in an abandoned industrial park. But he got found. For some reason he thought he was safe. He wasn't. Maybe it was the remote location. Maybe it was the grip of guards around him. Maybe he was just arrogant like that. Who knows?

We were supposed to get in, get him and get out. Nothing fancy. Nothing spectacular.

I love night-ops. Night vision makes them stand out REALLY good. Real easy pickings. The odds seemed stacked in their favor. Fifty eleven to two. But the odds have been known to be wrong...

Insertion was to the southwest. Me and my partner split at the stream. Him on the north bank. Me on the south. After a couple of tense minutes sneaking around in the dark, contact. Smoking on guard duty. Not the smartest bunch of corpses. Bam, bam, bam. These dudes are slippin'. This may be easier than I thought. Onward. I clear the south bank with not too much more resistance than that. My partner gets done on the north bank and heads inside the fence. I check around one more time and hurry to catch up.

My partner is already going right so I go left. I wonder if we are gonna find him outside or will we have to clear the buildings. I stop wondering real quick when the patrol turns around the corner. I am positive the look of shock and mild panic that they are wearing is mirrored in mine. Unfortunately for them my gun was already up and on target. I HATE close encounters like that. I finish checking and clearing the side of the building. Satisfied that nobody is left over there, I beat it back to provide cover.

Just as I spot my partner, I realize he is a little busy. Gun down, grenade out, pin out, reach back, jerk, drop... Damn! Somebody else saw him too! BANG! No use hoping he is merely wounded now.

Things are a lot less safe now. I carefully search the area and find the guilty party. I hold the trigger down for an extra half second. Just because...

Thoughts of heading back for extraction start running through my mind. But first I gotta deal with whatever he was about to throw that grenade into. No use in leaving somebody to shoot me in the back as I beat the hell up outta the joint. I check his last area of interest and what do I find? Objective #1! Seems that self preservation and finishing the mission are running down the same road. And I really can't believe he is outside in a tent! But I do see why the grenade was needed. He got like 10 guards around him. I ready my trusty grenade launcher and fire one toward the largest bunch of guards. Reload and the next drops just short of the tent. Before I can get another guns start firing. None close so they don't know where I am. I unload the first clip into the tent. Got him! I unload a second clip around the tent. I reload and check for movement. Nobody moving so I do. And run like hell! Out the fence and down the depression into the stream. No use in being a good target for them. As the Blackhawk landed, I couldn't help thinking that there would only be beer for one this time...

That was pretty much my Sunday. And some other days when I am on my computer and not blogging.

This is HQ=NepLou signing off from the world of Ghost Recon!

Well? Dontcha?

Don't you hate it when stuff don't work right? Blogger posts on schedule. But when I tried it that didn't seem to work right. Ain't that some shyt?

Don't you hate when people's word verification takes more words and time than your actual comment?

Don't you hate when you FINALLY think of a good post and you find it has already been done THAT DAY?

Don't you hate it when somebody just completely shits on your day?

Don't you hate it when you wanna and just can't?

Don't you hate when a muhfugga considers a good blog post asking you a bunch of damn questions?

Don't you hate it when somebody starts a post and quits right in the mid

I Have Interesting Family

William Lynch

Today's Real Post

Maaaaannnnnnnn!!!!!

Blogger is trippin' today! Why is it that I can manage to get porn pages to pop up quick and easy but I can't get to my peeps without multiple reloads and unnecessary delay? Not saying that internet porn ain't important. But I am more concerned with keeping up with my peeps than looking at some random naked hoes at this time.

GET IT TOGETHER BLOGGER!!!!

25 to Why?

Why is that little fucker still alive?

Why am I getting the "side eye" when I look at Diva's blog?

Why is this post so damn hard to write?

Why am I turning into a cantankerous old man?

Why am I NOT turning into a dirty old man?

Why must I feel like that?

Why must I chase the cat?

Why did these assholes install The Matrix 2.0 and give me all these damn problems?

Why ask why?

Why not?

Why are you thinking me strange at this point?

Why can't we be friends?

Why does exit 187 let off in my neighborhood?

Why did the extremely efficient City of Detroit just put a NEW no parking sign up in front of my crib and remove the one sixty feet away?

Why do the assume that the folk who park in front of my house on the regular are merely nearsighted?

Why do I feel that just cost about $50 in tax money to do?

Why don't the media get up outta Kwame's ass for a minute and investigate that shit?

Why are the Pistons trying to make me hate basketball?

Why didn't I get to be 7 feet tall with a killer hook shot?

Why the hell didn't the Lions draft Mike Hart?

Why did he have to go to to the Colts who I am so not interested in watching?

Why did the rest of my questions suddenly fade away?

Why, why, WHY?????????

A Mouse In My House.

No this ain't no damn Dr. Seuss story so don't get to rhyming and shyt.

He ain't cute like Mickey, Feivel, Remy or Speedy Gonzalez.

He ain't one of them little white furred pink eyed albino muthafuckas that died so your RavishingRed lipstick won't make your lips swell like in the old "mammy" cartoons.

No. I am talking about a rat on a smaller scale.

He just cruised into my vision on my kitchen floor, in no particular hurry. Looking for a snack. Bad enough the sumbitch invited himself to live with out so much as a please or a thank you. But now he expect muhfuggin en tree's too? And while I am blogging?!?!?! Shidddd.... He just got tried, found guilty and given a death sentence. I tried to find something to hit his bitch ass with since he was bold enough to hang that long. Alas no such luck. But I will get him.

Because this little sumbitch's days are numbered!

He better run! Get the hell out! OR...
He will either meet Rodentkiller Mk. 1


Or my friend of 30 years named Mousekiller.


And he don't want the 30 year friendship broke out on him. Or the last thing he may see will be me and Mousekiller.

And it goes a little something like this...


The little fucker! And here I was all ready to talk about a blog harem...

Blog Day

I stayed home today and spent my time reading your stuff. And when I got to the last it encouraged a post of my own. You get a towfer today.

I enjoyed you all a lot. I hope I didn't forget to leave everybody at least one comment!

The Truth Shall Set Your Nutz Free

I was just over at Queenie's place and she got me to thinking. Thinking about one of the most prevalent complaints that black women have, in my experience. What? I knew you would ask. Lying ass black men of course! You know the kind who lie and make me look bad. The kind who get me the side eye when I stroll up on the scene. The kind who make me despised by a whole bunch of women who don't even know me?

Don't lie! You know you know him. Your brother is probably one of them...

Dudes! Quit damn lying!!!

I mean if you aren't gonna be faithful, don't marry her ass! Quit lying!

I mean if you need two or three cell phones and a pager (do they make those anymore?) you wrong! Quit damn lying!!!

I mean if you got a boo, but want her too! And her, and her... Quit damn lying!!!

It is my firm belief that 95% of the dumb shit a man will do in his lifetime will be to impress a woman. The other five is showing off for your buddies. Which means we are indoctrinated into the ways of finding female approval and hence female attentiveness. Unfortunately that means we also used to being less than honorable in how we do that. That theory alone is a whole 'nother post.

But we learned that lying is a good way to get wit them panties. Funnily enough we learned a lot of it from them. Not always a conscious decision on either part. But when "I want some booty" gets you a "Hell naw" and "I Love You" gets you some booty, who is really teaching who what here?

I say we stand up and stop lying. And stop letting them encourage us to lie!

If you want five women on a rotating basis, then do so! Tell the five women you are seeing that you want four other girlfriends! The ones that don't leave are obviously down with the plan. The ones that do will need replacing and shouldn't be missed! Potential added side benefits could lead to exhaustion from all the three and foursomes you may get involved in as a result. At least until The Bell Curve Theory kicks in... And it is a lot easier than lying to five women at the same time. Which is a stupid plan anyway.

Let them know that you want the night to end up with them naked and sweaty and on top of you! The ones that say no are not the one you take out that night. No use in getting all worked up over somebody who is gonna leave you all high and dry that night. That is a waste of good wine! Call her back on movie night! Sex night is for somebody else! No use ending up at the precinct having to explain while you STILL got blueballs!

And for petes sake if you are gonna sow your wild oats. Get them ALL outta the way before you EVER think of buying a ring! What is the purpose of providing the ILLUSION of comfort, security, love, caring and all the rest that goes with that ring if you aren't gonna do it? Why pay the maintenance costs of having a wife if your stone is still rolling? Wouldn't it be cheaper and more cost efficient to put those resources into finding your next conquest than giving the wife and the mistress both a half assed package of goods?

Let's be honest here dudes! We are all some horny dogs. The Horny Dog Theory says so.


So lemme see. The recap. Stop lyin'. And I owe you guys, The Horny Dog Theory, The Bell Curve Theory, The 95% Theory and what the hell, I will throw The Smart Woman Theory in too. Gotta make graphs for those though...

My First Time...

My cousin brought me to The Club. I just happened to tag along one day. She gave me hints on what to expect. But boy did she have a gift for underestimation. It was a place of wonders and delights. Sex, drugs, booze, laughs it was all so intoxicating. I watched her for a while. I saw how much delight she experienced interacting with the other patrons and the celebrities. I wanted some too.

I wasn’t sure exactly what to do or what to say, so I sat there with this dumb look on my face for longer than normal...just staring at nothing in particular but thinking hard about what was about to go down. I mostly thought about my next move... Me and cuz had some different tastes though . I didn't feel comfortable doing those things that she was doing. So I wandered off to do my own thing in that den of delight.

That first time, I had a lot of internal nervous conversations with myself. Boy did I beat myself up about those nervous jitters...lol. Mostly because…hellllllo…people do this all the time, so why was I acting like it was such a big deal ya know? That’s what I kept asking myself, but the truth is that I wanted it to be this magical, special and intimate affair. I didn’t want it to turn into this forgettable or regrettable ordeal. More importantly, I did not want to waste my time.

My first time was rather lonely...there was no magic to it...and no intimacy at all. It was just me and my two "girlfriends" at it all the time. A few times a day in fact. But that got old. Because I did it without even getting naked! So robotic were my movements. It was more important that I get the mission accomplished, so I could keep it moving and relax later. I could get naked once the stigma of being a first timer was removed...that's what I thought back then anyway. But the emptiness of it all drove me away for a time.

I decided that I would try to recapture the magic that brought me to The Club. Then SHE found me. I remembered her from before I stopped hanging at The Club. In her warm and easy way she assured me that things could be as I imagined them. She let me know that my newfound experiences would be as wonderful as I imagined them to be. If I would just let it all hang out.... often... She even showed me her new membership at The Club. I just knew that I was gonna have a WHOLE LOTTA fun with this gal at The Club! Had me doin' it like a newlywed!

This is of course about my first experience blogging folks! What was yours like? Was it even a big deal?

Coauthored by Opinionated Diva (again)

Miss You!

Been missing folk lately. But I have been distracted a bit in recent days. And spending time at the hospital. This lady's blood pressure is nuts! And my computer is acting like a beyotch again. So I will be off in the ether until...

Peace!

Whack-A-Mole!

The crazies are at it again! I am really getting tired of these slow news days. Why? Because the Detroit media never lets a day go by without SOME story on the mayor. For those who don't live in the Metro Detroit area and think I may be over reacting a bit, don't. The coverage is much the same around here as the media frenzy from September 11th.

YESTERDAY's news...

The county prosecutor wants to limit the mayor's travel because his last trip out of town wasn't related to his job. I watched his arraignment and the judge didn't give him any restrictions aside from staying in the U.S. and informing Pretrial Services beforehand, which he did... The story

A local attorney filed suit against the mayor and his former assistant to repay the money that the city paid to settle the whistleblower lawsuit. He claims that the suit is on behalf of the citizens of the city. He also claims that it has nothing to do with his campaign for judge this year... That story

Several citizens decided to have the mayor evicted from his office and the Mayoral Residence and went to serve eviction notices at both places... The video

Not just the aged but they young are also getting in on the act. One teen is getting his 15 minutes because of an editorial... Video and link to text here.

The City Council and their clownery At times I think they are even worse than the mayor... See

Oh yeah, and the attorney for the fired police officers in the case that started this whole thing says he did not commit extortion when he showed the text messages to the mayor and his attorney. Yet the settlement was banged out the same night. Rumor has it that the text messages increased the settlement offer by about 6 million... But he said

Is it any wonder that I am a little over tired of this whole thing? I just want to get a giant mallet and play one spirited game of Whack-A-Mole. Every time one of these crazies pops their head outta the ground for a minute or two of fame or infamy, BAM! Right back into the ground!!!!

But maybe it is just me...

Much Has...

Much has happened since I was last here. Okay since post 200. My previous post was one that happened while looking for something to add to my post about mom. That post never saw the light of day though. I may do so.

The short version is this.

In the last week I have encountered birth, sickness and death in the family.

We welcomed Anaya Princess Marie to the world. My daughter's best bud and favorite cousin had her first child. She is such a cutie. I may post later...

My mother was admitted to the hospital. It seems she had a "mini-stroke" in the waiting room to see her doctor. At least that is the current prognosis. Whatever it was it came and went within a half an hour. She is scheduled for a minor procedure tomorrow. Hopefully it will tell what the problem really is. Too many mysteries with that.

We said goodbye to Marshal D. My wife's paternal grandfather passed away on Saturday. He went out on a beautiful spring day, surrounded by family, having a laugh or two. He was 94 years old. A wonderful way to go home.

More later...

Gangsta Mom!

This woman is gangsta! She went all the hell the way to South Korea to jack her kid back! Don't fuck with sista and her kid! Dude lucky he didn't get canceled in the process!

Post 200!!!!

Today I have resolved to get with a list of the following:

Some of this

Some of this

Some of this

Some of this

Some of this

Some of this


Some of this



AND Some of this

I have to say, it be a good day!


Oh yeah!

And

April Fool's Muhfuggas!!!!!!!!

The Soundtrack: The Second Pass

Baby Got Back - Sir Mix A Lot - I like big butts and I can not lie!

Faithfully - Journey - The main reason for my first purchase of a prerecorded cassette tape.

G Funk Intro - Snoop Doggy Dogg and The Lady of Rage - Freaknic '94, road trip, new ride, solo trip. The first cut off the album I played the most on the road.

Aquaboogie - Parliament - It is impossible to be from Detroit and begin to call yourself old school unless there is something from George Clinton and his crazy crew in ya faves. Psychoalphadiscobetabioaquadoloop!

Computer Blue - Prince - Still one of my favorite reasons to learn to play the guitar. I may still get around to it...

The Throne Room/End Title - John Williams and the London Symphony Orchestra - This was one of the cuts that really gave me an appreciation of symphonic and classical music. Sure there were all those tunes that we learned about from Bugs Bunny and Woody Woodpecker. But this was when it REALLY started for me. Star Wars!!!!!

Danger Zone - Kenny Loggins - Every favorite movie has a memorable theme song.

The One - Prince - Because I am.

I Be Scandalized!!!!!

An Almost Bad Day

It started off innocently enough. A decent spring day in the old hometown. I was preparing to go and see my girlfriend. She had moved to another city to work after college. I was still doing my student-as-you-can-afford-it thing. You know when you got money, you go. When you don't you work instead. It had been a few months since I had seen her so I was pretty much thrilled about having awakened that day. Even though the train ride was gonna take about half a day, I was still hyped about the trip. I got to get the hell outta town. See places I don't get to see. Be somewhere I don't live. Winter was over and the snow was melting (when isn't that a good thing?), the earth getting warmer and such.

I was getting all my ducks in a row that day. Dropped mom off at work (downtown parking is an expensive mess!) Was packed and picking up the last things before the trip. I decided to stop by a cousin's place who lived in the area. So I found a spot to park and walked up them four double flights of stairs (high ceilings ya know...) to her apartment. We chilled and chatted for about an hour. I then started hearing my empty stomach complain about my mistreatment of it. So I asked cuz if she wanted anything while I was out. Got the order and off I went.

Cuz lived in Cass Corridor. For those not from Tha D, it is a place where you found one of the nicest theaters in the city, a high school where some of the best and brightest of Detroit attended, an elementary school with TRUE international flavor, a homeless shelter or two several bars, a few "short stay" hotels and motels, the projects and at least one cat house. Needless to say, it was a very interesting neighborhood. Since then a casino grew up and the area got cleaned up some and new housing happened. But back in the day, every day was an adventure.

So I jumped in the car and plotted my path to the nearest McFood. Drive straight three blocks to the main drag, bust a left, right on the next big street, cross the freeway and food! Simple right? But did I mention I was in the Cass Corridor at around 10 in the a.m.? I didn't manage to get the three blocks much less busting the left before "it" happened.

I get two blocks and am at a stop sign. I see this girl in a short skirt carrying a back pack. So I immediately think of a cheerleader. Remember high school close by, 10 a.m. and it wasn't the weekend. So I didn't think her being there too unusual for a split second. So I turn my head to check for the traffic that this sign had me stopping for. I see a car or two coming by so while I am waiting my mind starts to ponder the cheerleader. Why do you ask? She wasn't AT the school. The bus lines rode the two adjacent streets. She was walking north and for her to catch a freight she needed to be going either east or west. It was winter break for DPS students. She wasn't in a Pickle Factory cheerleader uniform. So she seemed a little outta place.

My eyes turned back in her direction to make sure no last minute traffic from that direction was coming. And I notice her paying me a little more attention than I thought I rated. This makes me curious and her seeming out of place made me pause a second. Thought she might be in trouble or lost or something. She then starts heading toward me with definite intent. So I am thinking "O.K. damsel in distress time." So I move my hand to the switch to roll down the window so I can listen to the story she is about to lay on me. Before I could roll the window down things got real surreal on me.

Homegirl almost messed up my day! Cause she flashed this little mischievous smile at me and did one of them little shy wave things. And with her other hand pulled up the front of her little cheerleader skirt. Which apparently was the only thing she had on between her waist and her ankles!

Time stopped for me. Either that or I forgot to keep track of the time because I was staring. BUT I do remember that she was light brown like a Nestle's caramel. Her thighs swelled just so right in the middle. You know the kind that taper at the top and the bottom? Yeah them... And her Gateway to Heaven had a neatly trimmed Bermuda Triangle patch that seemed to make me wanna vanish into it. I remember it like it was yesterday. Okay that image is forever burned into my mind and I can't (wouldn't dream of trying to) shake it if I could.

Now I know you are asking how that could possibly ruin a day? Well, let's recap. On my way outta town so money is in pocket. Haven't seen girlfriend in months. I really liked what I saw (a very effective marketing plan she had...) AND I come from a long line of horndogs who take the "be fruitful and multiply" thing as a challenge. Oh yeah, and one of them "short stay" hotels was in spitting distance. Anybody else see the train wreck that was headed my way?

I can only imagine what my face looked like when she did it. I am sure my eyes bugged out and my mouth fell open. Whether it was from shock or desire I am still not clear on. Probably both cause she was rather hot for a "16 year old". But time managed to start back up again and my thought process started moving. More importantly the sudden tightness of my underwear was warning me of the impending train wreck that was STILL walking in my direction! And that thing under her skirt was talking to me like the Borg Queen or something! "I am The Coochie! Lower your resistances and surrender to your desires. I will add your physical and genetic distinctiveness to my own! You will service me! Resistance is futile!"

I had to think fast to avoid falling into that wondrous dark hole. And I couldn't think of shyt to say because she managed to push the right button without saying one damn word. I also knew that I had no desire to talk her out of whatever she wanted to do to me. So talking was out. I could only act to save myself and time was fast running out! So I took action. Lift right foot. Adjust right foot to starboard. Reengage right foot post haste!

Yeah, that's right! I stabbed the hell up outta there! I ain't no fool! And the rumors are true. You heard it but didn't believe it. Yeah, I know, a black man running from pussy. Strange but true! But a bird in the hand is worth two in the bush. Or choosing your old bush with the many hookups is better than one time new bush. Or something like that.

Of course that encounter left me with an erection that stubbornly did not go away for about an hour. But hey, the big head wins sometimes too. I guess that the little head was protesting and thought to make me suffer for a while. But you know what was on my mind for the next 18 hours don't ya? Of course my girlfriend had to "suffer" for what the girl in the skirt did. I don't recall her complaining much though...

Cleaning Up The Drafts

I don't really have much today. At least not yet. So I decided to clean up my draft posts and put the stuff out here. I seem to be approaching post 200! And since them drafts count in the post total, I thought I should clean things up so that the count is correct when it comes! So here are a few things I found entertaining enough to think about making into posts. Enjoy if you got a minute.

I am taking suggestions on the content of # 200 by the way. So get ya thinking caps on.

This right here is some real Dumbshit! All the promise of a wonderful "career" and they get that Ghetto Millionaire Mentality?!?!? (yes there is sarcasm in there...)

What The Fuck is up with this statistic? I mean is there a real reason why folk are wondering why things don't get better in some regards?

Rashan Jamal's stalker! And his stalker's stalker!

Deepnthought's Gangsta Grannies do their thang up in here

YouToldHarpoTaBeatMe's Mini Pimpin and mean muggin'!

Good Shyt!

You know, I woke up this morning feeling rather good.

Right spry and quite healthy and all. I mean I felt no traces of cold or flu trying to get ahold of me. Didn't have a headache or any other type of body ache. My mood was quite cool in fact. Feeling neither manic or depressed. No breathing problems. No convulsions or seizures. Heart is strong. Man! I feel good!

That water is some good shyt! And it has been ice cold outta the tap too! Wonder if there is anything to the reports from the Associated Press?

It's The Holidaze!!!!!!

The one on the left pretty much says it for me. In many, many ways...
The one on the right is for the once little person who was predicted on my birthday. I know she hates pink, but what the hey! If I gotta suffer, so do she! Besides it IS my birthday so she can be a little girly today! She lucky I don't have a dress for her to wear...

10 Questions From Blogger

Okay. I didn't have shyt of my own today. So I decided to let Blogger ask 10 random questions. And trust me these are some random ass questions. And the random answers that they inspired!

For your birthday, your aunt gave you a maple syrup dispenser shaped like a rooster. Please write her a thank-you note:

Hey Auntie!!! Thanks for the sticky cock!!!! LMAO!!!!

What did you dream when you ate a spider while sleeping?

Likely about a 20 ounce Porterhouse cooked medium well with sauteed onions and mushrooms, a loaded baked potato with sour cream and bacon and such, broccoli on the side, hot buttery rolls and a good stiff Margarita. Oh yeah, give me a Diet Coke with that please!

You're wearing a sweater that stretches down to your feet. What color belt do you put on?

Um... belt? What you should be asking is am I gonna put on some draws before I leave the house in it!

Your pajamas have duckies on them. Why did you switch from choo-choos?

Because the choo-choos were standing up in the corner , so it was time...

What spells can you cast with magic markers?

You write magic runes with them of course? What idiot came up with this one? What next, what color is red?

If you drive on a parkway why don't they make the whole plane out of that?

Dude! What the fuck were you on when you asked that one? And why the hell didn't I get some?

If you could peer far enough into the night sky, you'd see a star in any direction you looked. When would you sleep?

Um... I can peer far enough. So of course I sleep when ever I am sleepy. Was this one done by the same fact checker who couldn't spell Detroit yet works for a Detroit newspaper? Proofreading IS fundamental!

What's the most amount of sand you've ever had in your swimming trunks?

What? Sand? I thought that said HANDS! This question is suddenly is a lot less interesting...

Your superpower is that you smell like dandelions whenever someone lies. How will you maintain your secret identity?

I wouldn't exactly call that power "super". So I doubt I would be worried about creating a secret identity for that. Besides, what would I call myself, Front-Street Man? Mr. You Cold Busted? Dr. No Fake?

If your whole body were a hot air balloon, would you stop eating spicy food?

Hell no! Besides there are some in my family that would argue that it already IS a hot air balloon. It ain't my fault! The milk is mean to me!

The Slughurlers Revisited!

Here is the transfer of a series of my favorite posts from The Truth Is Lamer Than Fiction.

Recently my alignment change has brought about a change in attitude, naturally. With that comes the desire for additional personal and family security. Add that to the fact that I like target shooting, Michigan is a shall issue state and octogenarians aren't even safe anymore. I have decided to get my CCW. The stars of this post are the first round of finalists.

What do you think of them.

Anyone got any advice or recommendations? Aside from telling me not to that is. That would be bad advice...


This is the Sig Sauer P250. I think my prayers have been answered. The whole trouble with deciding on such a thing is finding the right grip and deciding on what caliber is best for your needs. I need be indecisive no more. This baby has a modular construction. So according to the site, you can change the grips by swapping the polymer frame. Of course this is just the minor added benefit. Since you usually get the grip that fits best on initial purchase. But more important is that you can change the caliber on this baby by swapping out the barrel and clip. I don't think ya heard me. You can have this baby in 9mm, .357SIG, .40S&W and .45ACP without having to buy four guns! This is something indeed...


This little gem is the FN Five-Seven. 20 round capacity. Low recoil. Really really nice.


I believe this one is named Stella by my blogger gun buddy J. A Glock 27 in .40 S&W Subcompact.

This is second in the capacity championship. This is the Glock 17. 9mm with a 17 shot magazine capacity.Springfield XD 45 ACP Compact 4" Polymer (convertible from concealed carry to full size service pistol with 3 extra rounds by switching magazines)

Taurus Millennium Pro PT-145 in .40 S&W
Taurus Millennium Pro PT-145 in .45 ACP
Springfield Armory XD Sub Compact in .40 S&W
Magnum Research Baby Eagle Compact in .40 S&W
Glock 29 in 10 mm
Glock 30 in .45 ACP (larger mag)
Glock 36 in .45 ACP (smaller mag)
Springfield Armory 1911-A1 Ultra Compact in .45 ACP (like the black grips...)
This is the Springfield Armory XD Compact 9mm. Fits real nice in my paws. Hides real nice. Really pleasing character. One sweet shooting gun this is!

Heaven and Hell

Well mine anyway. Today was a most unusual day for me. I had not one, but two phone interviews for positions. Usually I only have that many good contacts a year the way things have been going. I hope I haven't hit my quota this year.

The first was a position out of state. Something that sounds fairly permanent. Something that would take me several hundred miles away from here. I got the phone call as expected and had a rather good conversation. The recruiter seemed satisfied that I was possibly a good candidate and I got a warm and fuzzy about the position and the situation. The only problem was that they were a little behind schedule and it would take a few weeks for them to get their ducks in a row.

The second was a position somewhat local but about a 60 - 90 minute commute. This one was through a contract house with a local automotive company. This one did not go at all well. I have never been the teacher type. So describing the nuts and bolts of what I do was never something I did good when it was current. But now I seem to have a case of oldtimers. I knew the concepts she was asking about. I have used and done them many times. I could even picture them in my mind. (yes I do think in pictures a lot). But somehow them pictures didn't translate themselves into me sounding like I knew that stuff. Ah well.

I don't know. Maybe that was a sign. My mind and other forces and entities over my shoulders telling me that it is time for me to get a move on. Well, that was my encounter with heaven and hell today. How was your day?

The Dream House

Sigh... I wish I had won that fintillion dollars last week like that Georgia couple did. The possibility got me to thinking about what my NEW house would look like afterwards. Of course I already have an idea and had shared it previously on "The Truth...". So... I goes a little something like this...

What would you do if you won the lottery and ended up with like a kajillion dollars? mine would go something like this...


The Artist's rendering...


The First Floor...

The Second Floor...

The Upper Bay/Attic...

The Tower Levels...
Floors 3,4,5 & 6



This wonderful thing was found on coolhouseplans.com. The plan number is chp-15546