I must have awaken today in Bizarro world. Why you ask?
I daresay Rhianna betta watch her back! When aged where are they now celebs with huge racks and accents as thick as molasses start performing her stuff onstage, she might be in trouble.
Shit, I gotta start watching the damn Jerry Lewis Telethon again! That was strangely entertaining!
Who knew Charo wanted to be a pop star?
Okay. The last installment involved the background material for THIS story. A short recap involved the devilish work of Shitake. That's a sliiiicckkkk one... But, onward... If you haven't read Memorial Madness: The Background, STOP! CLICK! READ! COME BACK!
I don't want you all lost as to why things are happening.
The day of the memorial arrives. The Wife had scooped me up the day before to reduce the amount of last minute rushing. So we were in chill mode for most of the morning. While doing breakfast, I happened to spy the time. So I asked her "What time is the service?" She looked at me and then the clock and said "Yeah, I know. We got plenty of time. It starts at 1:30. Well the family hour starts at 1:00 and the service starts at 1:30. But I want to arrive fashionably late so I don't have to deal with the BS that I am sure will be going on! I just know something is gonna happen. I am trying to give THEM the benefit of the doubt. But I ain't breaking bread with them fools afterward. I just can't deal with that mess!" So I said "Fine with me. I arrive when my driver does and leave when she goes! I don't know most of them folk anyway."
So we had our dressing, leaving and arriving plan set. We chillaxxed a bit more and then got dressed. I told The Boy that I would die before letting him be seen wearing a damn clip on tie while I still breathed. So tie tying class started. And I fear he needs a bit more practice. But out the door we go. On the way we were discussing what we might be expecting and the various devilment that Shitake had been engaging in up until that moment.
We arrive at the Jehovah's Witness hall where Gramma and Aunt Sweetie were members. Timing was impeccable. We arrived at about 1:25. We walked toward the entrance and spied all of the teenagers of the clan gravitated to each other talking about nothing. When we see Cousin CW, whose hot young body had turned into a bit larger middle aged version, headed toward us (sigh). As she is passing around hugs and greetings, she says, "It ain't happy in there. Be warned! They done started up already!" "Already!?!?!?" (Me and The Wife in stereo) CW - "Yep. Brace yourselves..." So me and the wife hover for a minute to steel ourselves by chit chatting with CW and the teens. And In we go!
We walk in and The Wife scans around to find her mom or sister for seating. No luck since she didn't see her sister and her mom was already accompanied. There was an empty row behind her mom. But she decided against sitting there. Okay she said "Ain't no way I am sitting in the middle near the front." So we sit at the right side of the hall about mid way back. We finally see her sister in the same row as us in the center section. By this time the teens had all drifted in and found seats. The Boy (my son) sat next to Heracles by MIL. The Girl (my daughter) sat by Jackie-L on the opposite side from us. We noticed that Aunt Sweetie and her family were in the front row, center section. MIL was in the row behind her with The Law's daughters, Heracles and The Boy. The next row was empty. Scratch that. The Law walked in right then with his wife and sat there. We noticed that Shitake was over by Jackie-L holding Princess (Jackie-L's baby girl). Aunt C, looking remarkably like a thicker version of Shitake (but don't tell HER that) was also over on the far side.
So the service went fine as usual. The pastor, as always, took that opportunity to hold service up in there! And between my bouts of nodding out, I found him pretty amusing. Mostly because I always find it amusing when people use redundancies when they talk. You know like when my step-mom says sausage-meat (sounds like shashuh meat). His phrase was Bible-book. And he quoted many scriptures out of that Bible-book too! He even gave us the Jehovah's Witness version of Heaven. Which I thought not too bad. Maybe I will read one of those Watchtowers that get forced on me in the future... But I digress.
The first clue for me that things might go horribly wrong was when The Wife borrowed an obituary from the man sitting at the end of the row. She remarked on the generally shoddy quality of the work. We (Me, The Wife and Annie Oakley) had done them for the last three funerals so it got critiqued, heavily. The first GLARING omission was when the son-in-laws were mentioned, her father wasn't in the list. He had passed on years earlier and apparently was out of mind (uh huh...) What I didn't know at the time was that Cousin Queen V (The Law's daughter, CW's sister) was visibly upset at the OTHER GLARING OMISSION. That being that The Law's wife wasn't mentioned either. His VERY MUCH ALIVE AND IN ATTENDANCE WIFE!!! And the wife was having a bit of sport at the part about Gramma being an exemplary mother and taught her children morals and such. This ALMOST made the wife snort out loud while the pastor was still doing his thing. But she listened when me and Cousin Glowworm told her to behave in stereo. A prayer and a few final words later the service ended! I even had my post half written at that point, especially about the Bible-book...
THEN ALL HELL BROKE LOOSE!!!!!
I started to look around for everybody who needed greetings from me. Then I notice The Law grab his wife from behind by the shoulders and force march her the hell up out of the hall. A man who I can't ever recall seeing before was hot on his heels saying stuff like "...dinner on my mothers memorial day" "Why she gotta be here?" "...Don't trust her!" as they went past my amazed eyes. Oh, this man, by the way, was Uncle Nutzo. Apparently he decided to wait exactly ONE second after the pastor finished to start his shit with big brother! I was starting to think how fucked up that shit was. Until he tried to take a swing at The Law! Right in the damn doorway!
:: Now this is the part where everything got confusing. Please bear with me if it gets confusing. ::
So Nutzo tries to start a fight with The Law because he had enough sense to leave instead of having some mess going on during the service. Bedlam! A couple of people grabbed Nutzo. He attempted to fight his way out. Was very close to getting the life stomped out of him by an off duty cop. THEN! MIL, who has numerous medical problems, decides to go get her little brother to try to get him to calm down. He bumps into her! Nearly knocking her over. So Heracles sees this, hulks the fuck out, off comes the shirt (I still don't remember what he was wearing aside from his uncle beater). He stands in front of her and dares Nutzo to touch her again! At the same time The Wife was counting her peeps to see where we were. She sees the bump. She yells to The Boy "Get your grandma! NOW!!!!" So my lazy ass son shocks the shit out of us by LEAPING over the chair and gets behind Heracles and in front of MIL. Also heard in a very proper and well enunciated bit of English was "Don't let Annie Oakley get to her truck!!!" Yeah, a white dude, Big M. You may or may not remember him from bike class... By this time I am starting to think of the most efficient way of murdering off Nutzo because this shit was going too damn far.
:: Hey, my wife and kids were up in there! Sue my ass! BTW I had settled on a hand over mouth and one over nose and a big bear hug. My feet never moved though! You'd be proud! ::
AT THE SAME TIME on the OTHER side of the hall. Apparently Shitake, still carrying Princess, decides to get all up in the shit! So she is heading toward the shit right? She basically runs up on MIL. She sees her and the next thing EVERYBODY sees is MIL's cane get raised HIGH up in the air! No. She wasn't just gonna hit her ass. She was about to bring the smite down up in that piece! Then Annie Oakley shakes the hell up outta her shoes! Meanwhile The Girl was walking up behind Shitake to rescue Princess because it seems she had taken a blow or two in the conflict and Shitake's grip was slippin'. Now somebody later mentioned that Shitake took a swing at The Girl. Fortunately The Girl didn't notice that. Her evil ass WOULD have retaliated. And you know how mothers are with their babies right? And you all have been here long enough to know that The Wife is AKA Miss Whoopabitchorthree. Had either of my kids been hit that damn joint might be a smoking pile of rubble at this point with a community of Jehovah's Witnesses wondering what they had done to deserve having their hall treated so...
:: Before I go on I will have to do a quick tactical analysis. ::
MIL had probably the largest contingent of supporters. She had three grand children, Two daughters, one son-in-law, one son-in-law to be (so I just found out...), three in-laws and one niece from the seemingly forgotten husband's family (tha gangster ones...), about five or eight friends (I lost count), Jackie-L (who is staying between her and Aunt Sweetie's house after the argument), probably The Law's daughters Queen V and CW, their sons, and possibly Aunt Sweetie's hubby and grand kids.
:: Tactical Analysis over... ::
Now after a minute or two of struggle and strife, they manage to get Nutzo, Shitake and Aunt C outside. Remember Aunt C was under the influence of Shitake. Things seemingly break up. Or so I thought. I linger around inside before going outside. I find The Wife and Annie Oakley attempting to restrain MIL from heading to what appears to be ANOTHER fight! They were alternately trying to calm her down and cuss her out because she was still dead set and determined to get her smite on! AND Joan Cleaver, a very right and respected lady (imagine Maya Angelou mixed with June Cleaver) decides to go and "... have a word with this Shitake". Her son had to grab her and hold her in place. Can you see it two ladies, one in her 50's and another in her 70's hobbling down to get the way to smite a person or two? Yeah...
Now by this time, Annie Oakley HAD gotten to her truck. So she was armed. And pissed! And barefoot. She shook outta the shoes when the shit jumped off inside. So she was doing the bulk of the cussing while The Wife did most of the calming. Until she had to act like the mother. She later realized that her and her sister were gonna be in trouble for cussing at their mom when MIL finally calmed down and remembered.
Yes, I did say there was a fight going on. Apparently Shitake and Queen V aired their venom and it turned into fisticuffs. Sisters got involved. It turned into a Tag team match. Shitake and Aunt C on one side and Queen V and CW on the other. Now the teens were all in agreement until they realized that their mothers were going at it. Then they started beefing. So now Aunt C's son was about ready to scrap with Queen V's son. While Shitake's son and CW's son were about to get into it.
ALL that broke up when the Ecorse cops rolled up into the parking lot! And they rolled up fast. I guess they mean mugged folk hard enough for cooler heads to prevail. They circled the parking lot once. They stopped to talk to the guy off duty who was at the service. I guess they were convinced that every thing else was cool and rolled out without getting out of the squad car.
This is where I will end my tale. I think everything took less time to happen than it did for you to read this. And I know I am leaving out many details. But I think you have spent enough time on these folks!
As you all know, funerals tend to make for the best of stories! They are even more story worthy when you got a bit of dysfunction in the family.
This weekend was no exception! My wife refers to her mother's side of the family as "a bunch of educated fools".
The Cast:
Gramma: The Departed.
The Law: Oldest child and one most likely to get the other siblings to behave.
Aunt Sweetie: Second child, one of the nicest folk you wanna meet.
MIL: Fourth child. Mother of my queen.
Aunt C: Reportedly the meekest of the clan.
Nutzo: Baby boy of the clan.
Shitake: from Shit, meaning shit and Ake meaning one who starts. Okay I didn't wanna say shit starter the whole damn post! The baby of the clan...
Annie Oakley: The Wife's sister
Herkales: Annie Oakley's son
And... Aw hell. I will introduce any others as the story goes...
Anyhow. This little story starts when Shitake goes to The Law's house and complains that Gramma can't stay with him and his wife and HER father. So The Law's wife packs Gramma's bag and sends her on her way with Shitake. Of course Shitake was never one to take care of Gramma. As a result Gramma ends up in an apartment in a senior center alone. This was back in June.
Gramma has been known to be a bit hard to live with. Was somewhat paranoid and had a bit of dementia. So she frequently had episodes where she thought folk were pumping poisonous gas into her place. As I said, a bit hard to live with. So Uncle The Law was likely doing his best to make her as safe and comfortable as possible having folk around to see about her and being friendly faces. So Shitake didn't make a difficult situation any better.
About a week and a half ago, Gramma was found in her apartment having passed on a day or two prior. This led to Shitake blaming The Law for killing their mother by kicking her out of his house. It is also believed that Shitake gaffled up the estate by doing the old sneak and sign. Much like she did when their father passed (she got a new car out of that). AND she moved herself back in with her ex-hubby. This prompted an argument between her and her daughter Jackie-L (who was living there already), cause they can't stand each other. Jackie-L moved out and took the baby with her.
Now Shitake is a sly one. She had been talking in the ears of Aunt C. and Nutzo. They got things twisted in their heads. So they were kinda pissed about some things. Things that went even beyond their usual dysfunctionalism. Aunt Sweetie's husband The Electrician told me that they had given Shitake money to pay for obituaries. She thought the money was an old debt from someone who owed Gramma. Then she complained that she didn't know how much printing costs (full color). Then she claimed that she gave the obits to Nutzo who didn't answer or return folks calls. So they had trouble getting the obit to the pastor before the service for familiarity sake. And since Nutzo never brought them, they had to improvise. This led to black and white obits printed on thin paper (2 sided). AND Shitake also was the one who compiled the info. She left out the deceased father of The Wife AND the very much alive wife of The Law. AND The Law's wife or her family were responsible for making the food for the meal after the service.
Okay, I gotta jet. But look for the conclusion in Memorial Madness: The Incident.I will pre date that post so that when I do it, it will show up under this one so you don't get the story out of order! I will post it tomorrow.
Of course if I remember anything else I will of course edit this post too!
Bin Laden Found!!!
CAIRO, July 30 (Reukers) - The search for reputed terrorist leader Osama Bin Laden has ended today. It appears that five women from the United States and England have hunted down and found the fugitive who has eluded the powers that be for years.
The five women got involved when one of their friends called them to vent. New wife Nikki Bin Laden had some suspicions that her husband was having an extra-marital affair. So she called several of her friends to talk and vent her frustrations. What happened next was a scene right out of a movie. Several of her friends volunteered to help find out what was going on. So Nikki paid for airline tickets for them all to meet her. After a few days of investigating, the sneaking husband was found in Cairo, Egypt. He was found in the company of Nefer Larouche, a french model and actress.
Apparently the ladies had him under surveillance outside the Cairo Hiltonian. Several tips led them to this particular place. And their stakeout was born. They managed to sneak into the hotel and gathered at the door to his room.
A former special forces drill sergeant was witness to what happened next. "I saw a bunch or women gathered around a door. They looked REAL serious. They breached that door like one of my old training units! I wish I had them in Iraq! That was A-1 asskicking right there!"
Jazzy, 36, Jersey City, New Jersey said, "Yeah son! He thought he was slick! But we hid in the bushes until he came back. Caught him all hugged up. So I sent the pics to my homegirl so she could come and bust him! I got the pictures on my Crackberry! Wanna see?"
Lee, 38, Atlanta, Georgia had this to say, "We bust that sucka in his grill with some bricks, that's what happened!! Knocked one of his teeth out!"
Jaila B, 35, Atlanta, Georgia added, "It's really no surprise. I told my girl that she had to perfect her tongue lashin' skills but she wouldn't hear of it. Now look at this madness."
Carlene, 24, London, England stated, "I was gonna just make up a bunch of stuff to embarrass him in front of that chick. But when I saw him all nekkid with her I said "You have exactly two seconds to explain before I give you a vasectomy""
Ms B, 35, Brooklyn, New York quipped, "My BFF is so open off this good for nothing dude that its just ri-damn-diculous!! And you know what else? He corny as hell! He was laying up in there just playing with Nefer's titties! I mean, how ain't that corny as shit? He probably thought it was clever or something! He NEEDED to be busted!"
"What the hell kinda name is Nefer anyway? I am with my homegirl. That shit was corny!", stated Jaila B.
An animated Lee added, "Yeah I said it! I'm saying it loud and proud on eyewitness news! I got my girl's back all day! Ride or die, ya heard me!? He better watch his back, because we gonna shank that fool and finish him off next time! She told him about fooling around wit Nefer! You gonna pay, dawg!"
Another witness, LL Cool L, had these thoughts, "Man! Them women were serious! I almost got ran down! But I saw that look before and knew to move out of the way!" He had this to say regarding the capture, "Who knew it would go down like this? But then again, they got Al Capone on tax evasion..."
A third witness, R. Jizzy, stated "Man, I am glad I was here with my boo! I would hate to get caught up like that! I ain't never seen a man that tall cry like that!"
It seems that the $25 million reward is just icing...
But when questioned about the potential windfall, the ladies had this to say.
"Why you gotta be all up in my financials?", said Carly.
"Well, me and my girl Stella figured we would go to NOSEYVILLE and "conversate" with a overly curious person or two...", said Jaila B.
"You tryin' to be down? You wanna ride my jock? Huh? Why you gotta try to ride me like a rodeo show?" Said Jazzy.
"If you see me ridin' fly. Lookin' like a rich bitch, don't hate!!!", said Ms. B.
"Nefer you better be glad you ran! Cuz we got something for dat ass! And we know where you live! You best grow some eyes in the back of your head, ya chickenhead!! Um. And I thought I would take a little time off from the job. This backlog of blanket orders is getting outta hand!"
