The Truth Shall Set Your Nutz Free

I was just over at Queenie's place and she got me to thinking. Thinking about one of the most prevalent complaints that black women have, in my experience. What? I knew you would ask. Lying ass black men of course! You know the kind who lie and make me look bad. The kind who get me the side eye when I stroll up on the scene. The kind who make me despised by a whole bunch of women who don't even know me?

Don't lie! You know you know him. Your brother is probably one of them...

Dudes! Quit damn lying!!!

I mean if you aren't gonna be faithful, don't marry her ass! Quit lying!

I mean if you need two or three cell phones and a pager (do they make those anymore?) you wrong! Quit damn lying!!!

I mean if you got a boo, but want her too! And her, and her... Quit damn lying!!!

It is my firm belief that 95% of the dumb shit a man will do in his lifetime will be to impress a woman. The other five is showing off for your buddies. Which means we are indoctrinated into the ways of finding female approval and hence female attentiveness. Unfortunately that means we also used to being less than honorable in how we do that. That theory alone is a whole 'nother post.

But we learned that lying is a good way to get wit them panties. Funnily enough we learned a lot of it from them. Not always a conscious decision on either part. But when "I want some booty" gets you a "Hell naw" and "I Love You" gets you some booty, who is really teaching who what here?

I say we stand up and stop lying. And stop letting them encourage us to lie!

If you want five women on a rotating basis, then do so! Tell the five women you are seeing that you want four other girlfriends! The ones that don't leave are obviously down with the plan. The ones that do will need replacing and shouldn't be missed! Potential added side benefits could lead to exhaustion from all the three and foursomes you may get involved in as a result. At least until The Bell Curve Theory kicks in... And it is a lot easier than lying to five women at the same time. Which is a stupid plan anyway.

Let them know that you want the night to end up with them naked and sweaty and on top of you! The ones that say no are not the one you take out that night. No use in getting all worked up over somebody who is gonna leave you all high and dry that night. That is a waste of good wine! Call her back on movie night! Sex night is for somebody else! No use ending up at the precinct having to explain while you STILL got blueballs!

And for petes sake if you are gonna sow your wild oats. Get them ALL outta the way before you EVER think of buying a ring! What is the purpose of providing the ILLUSION of comfort, security, love, caring and all the rest that goes with that ring if you aren't gonna do it? Why pay the maintenance costs of having a wife if your stone is still rolling? Wouldn't it be cheaper and more cost efficient to put those resources into finding your next conquest than giving the wife and the mistress both a half assed package of goods?

Let's be honest here dudes! We are all some horny dogs. The Horny Dog Theory says so.


So lemme see. The recap. Stop lyin'. And I owe you guys, The Horny Dog Theory, The Bell Curve Theory, The 95% Theory and what the hell, I will throw The Smart Woman Theory in too. Gotta make graphs for those though...

Life And My Nutz

Just when I thought I was out, they pull me back in...
- Michael Corleone

I so agree. I was out. YOU brought me back. The four guiltiest I am shining the spotlight on. Because I want the world to know who is responsible for you reading what follows! Opinionated Diva and J are the first up on the catwalk. These two ladies have launched a campaign to make me feel guilty for leaving, yet missed for being gone. I am touched. Deepnthought for thanking folk for blogging. She didn't mention my blog by name. For that I am thankful because the pressure to perform would have been overwhelming. Yet I was moved. And Nikki Indigo for two reasons. The first is because we kept missing each other here and there. But what she is most guilty of is getting me thinking about MY NUTZ with her post about the sperm. Both posts will of course make my next "greatest hits" post. So now you all know who to thank, or blame for today's madness.

Without further ado, I shall introduce you to the newest in a series of thoughts provoked I call The Bullshit Theories.
The others shall follow in the days to come... Just as I promised two months ago...

The Destiny Scorned Theory

Sometimes a man is forced to take matters into his own hands. I am no different. There are times when I have to take the thing that matters most into either hand and "massage" my "ego".
Yeah, you heard me right. Jacking. Wanking. Buffing the Banana. Jackin' the Beanstalk. Spank the Frank. Charming the snake. Tickling the pickle. Choke the chicken. Yank the plank. Clean the pipes. Pet the one eyed snake. Stroke the salami. Tossing off. Eh... I think you get the idea.

Of course that got me to thinking about the negative effects of such self gratification. And believe me, it IS gratifying!!! What does that say about me? ASIDE from horny (you smart asses!) What I am getting around to is: Am I a criminal for Jackin' Beats?

Sure. There are plenty of people who will argue for days about the fate of your genetic material AFTER it is matched with someone else's. In fact some are so crazy that they have attempted to abort adults who have considered aborting a fetus. But who speaks up for the truly little guys? Have you ever? I mean 50% of each and every one of us started out just that way. Determined to succeed and destined to be a person. So we ain't here to talk about abortions. Unless you REALLY want to discuss the issue. But the we will only discuss YOURS (i.e. YOU for trying to start some shit).

Back to me and my potentially criminal act. What kind of crime is it? What is it called? Is jacking Genocide? That could fit the bill since it is killing off a large number who have similar characteristics. Suicide? I mean I am getting rid of well... me! But then I am still here afterward, okay, no. Biocide? I guess it could be that. But just calling the little fellas "living material" seems a touch TOO impersonal. Feticide, Infanticide and Homicide fall by the wayside because of the timing. Prolicide? Hmm... a stretch. Also due to timing. Spermicide? Eh....Sorta. Maybe when it relates to a substance for the purpose. But I never INTEND for them to die. Vivicide? Hmm... A little broad on that one. The murder/annihilation of any and all forms of life is a fairly broad stroke to paint.
Hmmm.... I guess I will have to coin a new phrase for this one. Sooooo.... The New Words Of The Week: Special Edition has the following definition. This one I just made up, so don't go looking on Urban Dictionary or anything. I will call the act - Suigenocide - The killing off of your own future generations. Tada!!!!!!

This of course begs the question. Are frigid women accomplices in suigenocide? I mean it ain't considered suigenocide if at least one has even a snowball's chance of accomplishing it's mission. To all the women over time who have left my nutz on extra full, you are partially to blame! If you weren't bullshitting when it was time for the get down, they wouldn't have had to live and die and empty and meaningless existence! No chance at destiny for them, because of you!

Which of course begs another question. Rubbers are they a mechanism for teasing sperm? I mean let's be honest here. Rubbers are no different than GWB. He sends massive amounts of forces on a mission that they have been heavily trained for. With NO expectation that the mission will get accomplished. In fact the sending and target nations both know the mission will likely not be accomplished because of the success barrier. But everyone goes through all of the motions. Troops are deployed. Invasion. Conflict. No closure. The only ones who don't know that the whole thing was about something different than what was said are the ones doing the actual fighting.

Which begs another question. (feeling like Kieth Sweat with all of the begging going on in here!) Is the pill a destiny thief? This thing is much like The First Gulf War. Where the troops are deployed on the mission. But they run around hither and fro looking for something to shoot. They of course die of boredom since there ain't nobody home. All that destiny and nowhere to go.

And yet another question! Spermicide. Murder? I should say so. This stuff is there with the specific purpose of killing off the little fellas. The sucky part is that they get invited to the party and THEN get assassinated. What a way to go. You get your eyes on the prize, just before the bullet hits you...

So! Am I bad for killing off 50 millions potential doctors, writers, lawyers, male escorts and others for pleasure? I will leave you to chew on that one. Especially since you all are as guilty as me with assisting billions to an untimely departure!