Gas Humor

Post 250!!!!

As you all know, every 50 posts or so... I gotta do something a little different. Even for me different. I was gonna post my favorite picture in the whole wide world. But I need permission to post that one. We will see what she says...

So this one is an opinion poll of sorts. Or three. I got questions in three categories for ya.

Blog layout, posts and avatars.


1. Blog Layout - I been considering a defection of sorts. But I feel that I can't quite achieve a look that I really like. At least not for free... So I may change up after I get my own domain and all that crap... But punch the links and let me know what you think...
The Tester
The (possible) New Version.

2. Posts - Your opinion here does count! (for something...) So I am curious to see what you think would be good material for me. Now keep in mind, I am an artist! And I am sensitive about my shit... And this is a test for you. I will tell you why later. Yeah, homework! Who knew!

3. Avatars - I have been trying to find a new image of me to attach to my profile and comments. I may even change the next one to a Gravatar and it shall follow me everywhere (I think...) Iam leaning heavily in one direction but I would like some input. Although the list can still change at any time...

The contestants!!!

Tha Glare! - This is of course the current one. Mysterious and looking on the verge of a rant!

Commando 1 - When the guys in the white suits were the good guys!
Commando 2 - The above with a little less zoom!
TSSE and the Likka Basket - Winner for the second year in a row by the way! That be the arm of my lovely chocolate hunnie that I am leaned on!
Cheezin' pt. 1 - Same party as above. The only problem is that these are not the hands of my lovely chocolate hunnie, nice as they are...

Cheezin' Pt. 2 - Me getting my Cheshire Cat on! Had to cut little cuzin' C off though...

Cheezin' pt. 3 - Grinning at the reunion action in the ATL last year. Why is it that all of the good pictures of me have me hugged up with somebody? This time with lil' cuzin' CavMan. Hope THIS damn deployment to Iraq is just as uneventful as the last two (three? I lose count...)

The Biker In Me - You may remember this look from last year. One of the shots that I considered for Post 100!

The bonus:

Me Being Old School - Literally... Cause that school ain't even there anymore. Me at 8! And if I hear any giggles I WILL have to come and cut ya!
And for those of you who are curious. This IS what the smartest lil' muthafukka in the whole damn school looks like! (So that is what I looked like before I went blind as hell...)

Well. That does it for the first 250 posts! Lemme know what y'all think. I do have a favorite. And one The Wife already put on reject. Okay, TWO she put on reject...

Just Cold Busted!

I decided to get in on the monthly group topic that Ladynay and Freaky Deaky are posting on regularly. This month's topic is embarrassing moments. So, here is one of mine...

Way back when. There was pay TV before cable. Antenna and special RF switch and you were in business. My dad had ON-TV. ON-TV was one of many "scrambled UHF" services in many major markets around the country in the era before multi-channel cable television became widely available.

That day there was a family gathering. Several of his brothers and sisters and their kids came by. Partying, fun, eats, baseball game. All that good stuff.

It got late and folk left and the stragglers were still hanging around. Some hang tough in the fam. I forget where the women folk were but they weren't in sight. Dad, his brother and Cud'n J, decided to make a store run. This particular time my cousin Nut (for lack of a better term) decided to see what was on. So he set the switch and turned the thing on. Well lo and behold! Ass and titties!!! He managed to find the x-rated shit. We were about 16 and 14 at the time. So after getting a little excited, I started to get nervous. He was all in the little horndog. So I mentioned that he should turn the damn thing back off before somebody came in and saw what he was watching. "Wait a minute!" was all the response I got. So after about another minute or two or trying to persuade him to correct his sinful ways, I decided to take action.
"I am gonna turn it off. We gonna get in trouble!" said I.
I meant ME since I was the "host" and the oldest. So I head to the TV. He jumps up in front of me to block the way.
"Okay! I will turn it off in a minute!", the damn liar...
"Hurry up! They are gonna be back in a second! How far you think the store is?" I quipped.
"Alright man!", the damm liar...
So I head toward to kitchen to look out the window to see when they drive up.
And run right smack into Cud'n J! With dad and Nut's dad in tow.
Never before or since did I sincerely wish I could faint like I was wishing at that moment. They cruised into the room and stopped to watch the show. I dragged slowly behind them and ended back in the room. I was so fixing to dime Nut's skinny ass out. I wasn't going down by myself dammit!!!
Then Cud'n J says "Damn! He didn't stay in there long did he?"
The whole room busted out laughing. Then several off color jokes were bandied about by the grown folk (you had to see dad and his brothers in their heyday).
Then dad says "Turn that off before my wife walks up in here! Y'all betta not do that again!"
I almost fainted (again) from the relief. And thanked my lucky stars that his wife DIDN'T walk in! I really would have needed to do some damn good explaining!!!

R. Kelly Got Acquitted

See the dramatization below...

News Fuckery!

Obama's baby mama? What the fuck? I...
Nehmind...
Read for yourselves...
This Bullshit!

Random Song Tag

I been tagged!!!!!
I was tagged by Ms. Behaving
She was tagged by DreamCop08
She was tagged by 12Kyle...

MEME Rules:
1. Put Your iTunes/ music player on Shuffle
2. For each question, press the next button to get your answer.
3. YOU MUST WRITE THAT SONG NAME DOWN NO MATTER WHAT!!!After you’ve answered all of the questions, tag 5 other people and then let them know they’ve been tagged to do the meme themselves!


IF SOMEONE SAYS “IS THIS OKAY” YOU SAY?
"Illusion, Coma, Pimp & Circumstance" - Prince
Compared to all of that, I will let you make up your mind.


WHAT WOULD BEST DESCRIBE YOUR PERSONALITY?
"You Belong To Me" - Anita Baker
Well you do. All of you!!!!

WHAT DO YOU LIKE IN A GUY/GIRL?
"One Love" - Regina Belle
Yes she is!!!!

HOW DO YOU FEEL TODAY?
"U Can't Resist" - Missy Elliot (Featuring Juvenile & B.G.)
You can't! You know you can't!!!

WHAT IS YOUR LIFE’S PURPOSE?
"Going Under" - Evanescence
Ugh... tell me about it!

WHAT IS YOUR MOTTO?
"Peace On Earth" - Rachelle Ferrell
And good will toward good sex!

WHAT DO YOUR FRIENDS THINK OF YOU?
"My Immortal" - Evanescence
And I would like to think superheroic too...

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR PARENTS?
"No Regrets" - Case
Not like I had a choice in the matter, but why be difficult?

WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT VERY OFTEN?
"Big Pimpin'" - Jay-Z
'Nuff said!

WHAT IS 2+2?
"Sussudio" - Phil Collins
Well it is! Look it up!

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR BEST FRIEND?
"Everybody Plays The Fool" - The Main Ingredient
Not that I hold such things against folk.

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THE PERSON YOU LIKE?
"You Are My Starship" - Norman Connors (Featuring Michael Henderson)
But I bet you all know that already huh?

WHAT IS YOUR LIFE STORY?
"It's Real" - Missy Elliott
Real what, I ain't saying...

WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE WHEN YOU GROW UP?
"Sweet Sticky Thing" - Ohio Players
Yep. Just like on the album cover...

WHAT DO YOU THINK WHEN YOU SEE THE PERSON YOU LIKE?
"Incognito" - Spyro Gyra
Yep. Alone time and freaky sneaky!

WHAT DO YOUR PARENTS THINK OF YOU?
"Land Of Confusion" - Genesis
The nerve of them! And I am the balanced one! Ah well! What does that say about the rest?

WHAT WILL YOU DANCE TO AT YOUR WEDDING?
"Creep" - TLC
Well that actually wasn't what it was. And at the moment I can't remember what it was. Oh yeah, applause because I was dancing! And there was a song too...

WHAT WILL THEY PLAY AT YOUR FUNERAL?
"So Fresh, So Clean" - Outkast
Because I damn well better be! Even if I am cremated...

WHAT IS YOUR HOBBY/INTEREST?
"Better Be Good To Me" - Tina Turner
And by "GOOD" you know what I am talking about.

WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST SECRET?
"Something In The Water Does Not Compute" - Prince
At least that is the answer you will get when your nosy butt comes asking. Nosey ass!

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR FRIENDS?
"We Ready" - Da Brat
Sorry, that is too much material. Especially if I add all of you in it!

WHAT SHOULD YOU POST THIS AS?
"Reunion" - Maxwell
I don't know why? But I ain't naming it that!.

You know I thought it would be a lot stranger since I used the player with the WHOLE song collection on it. But no classical showed up so it don't sound too weird.

Now for the tags...

Since Blog Harem membership has it's privileges, and occasional requirements...
Opinionated Diva - Y'all know you would be surprised as hell if she didn't get tagged. And as soon as she stops melting, she will get right on it...
I Am J - She am gonna do it too! I just know she will. Her list is probably from her phone...
Queen Of My Castle - One more reason not to Fade To Black...
Ladylee - And I might even get a blanket and some biscuits with it...

And since Ms. Behaving tagged me, a special guest replacement...
Freaky Deaky - King of Meme's and one who is most likely to have the music player going right now...

Of course I am honor bound not to tag these folk again until I have honored others with the chance to participate too. Unless there are tag backs... Then it is on!

Some Random Stuff

I think I will have to blog inebriated every once in a while. Just to see how the madness that is me gets affected when the brain cells are happy and dying.

I think one of my favorite fantasies is to get busy with a woman of foreign birth just so I can hear say my name at that moment with her accent. Very sexy that!

You know I just remembered that Tom Jones was the shit when I was a little dude. I don't know why... Yeah I do. I may have to reintegrate him into my musical universe...

I think about 95% of my life has been spent in close proximity to a freeway. There were only two times I wasn't in close proximity. They include two weeks spent on the Narragansett Bay in Rhode Island. And when we lived on the east side with my aunt. Okay... now that I think about it less than five percent. Three of the places I lived were far enough away that I couldn't see one from the property. But even then they were always within a mile. Otherwise I am very used to hearing the sounds of cars going past in the summer. The closest was about two houses away. Currently about seven houses. Others, I could see it from the end of the sidewalk, from my side door, and the third building away where I could have seen down on the freeway from my bedroom window but there were other buildings in the way...

Why as I was just riding by in a car did an 8 year old little girl on a bike just flip me the bird? What the fuck is the world coming to? I hope she didn't think that muthafucka wasn't coming back though...

Me as President. Can ya see it? The President walking around with a harem that carries laptops and crackberrys with hidden pistols hidden in garters? Of course y'all would be the most famous bloggers in the world since CNN would be lurking ya sites! You know I would be called The Ghetto Prez because the first dog would be a Pit Bull!

Murderous

You know I told myself a while back to back off on the really personal shit. For various reasons. But today I am mad as hell and am literally about ready to MurderDeathKill some anonymous muthafucka right now!!!

Apparently some "person" (I'll be nice) called Adult Protective Services and made a complaint that Mom is being abused, taken advantage of, not fed, not cared for, and living in generally filthy conditions. And somehow the dog became an issue too! That really burns my ass near to the point of tears!!! Now my regular readers already know the situation about Mom's TEAM of folk and their various contributions. But DAMN!!! That was a plain affront to my entire existence. Especially since that shit was a bunch of damn lies!

My damn name ain't Hazel but I would hardly call the joint filthy. Her needs are taken care of whenever she needs or asks. I gotta fight with her to get food in her half the damn time. She don't eat enough for my tastes, but it ain't my stomach... Abuse? Bitches please!

The dog came up in this statement: "the grandson and his dog moved in and is taking advantage of her" Where this comment came from is way beyond me. But it sure as hell isn't true. The dog is mine. The dog has been here since before she moved back in. I ain't a grandson. One grandson spends his time with his baby-momma (to be, too late for Father's Day though...), the other is a minor and is the one who cleans the most and helps out with her the most. She knows what is going on with her money, her meds and the general state of things around her. And I make sure she is aware of things, even when she ain't that interested... So that doesn't even have a grain of truth in it.

I could rant on for days but...
I talked to the APS worker earlier. She had an occasion to speak with Mom's nurse and physical therapist. They seem to have debunked the claims that were made to start this whole thing. The APS worker doesn't feel there is a need to come out for a visit. But I could still kill the bitch that gave her a reason to want to. My Mom don't do nothing to nobody. Why try to get her dragged out of her home and thrown into a nursing facility? How does stressing and depressing someone with hypertension issues helpful?

Anyway.
Sorry y'all had to go through this, but I blog to vent. So you asked for it! And I have yet one more reason to want that Sig P250. I may even have a naming party when I get it!

I am done ranting now. Please scroll down to the more lighthearted fare I served up for ya earlier!

DAAAAAAAAMMMMMMMMNNNNNNNNN!!!!!

I have always maintained that black folk need to stay outta contact for at least a few minutes a day. Life was good before portable communications devices too! Well you all ignored me when I said that! Maybe this will convince you!!!



Thanks J for the inspiration.

LMAO Of The Day!!!

for Bad Language and Country Town Bashing...

GOOOOO WIIIINNNNGGGGSSSSSS!!!!!!!!

Lord Stanley is again a resident of his favorite city in the United States. The best hockey team in U.S. history are again the kings of the sport. I am so thrilled!!! I might even get to touch it again!!! My second favorite team just erased 99.5% of the disappointment I feel for my favorite team. Four championships in 11 years ain't nothing to sneeze at.

Lemme see. That makes the tally for championships in my lifetime by local teams (city and state):

• Hockey: 14 - Red Wings 4 (NHL), Vipers 1 (IHL), Wolverines 2 (NCAA), Spartans 2 (NCAA), Huskies 1 (Michigan Tech, NCAA), Lakers 3 (Lake Superior State, NCAA), Wildcats 1 (Northern Michigan, NCAA)
• Basketball: 8 - Pistons 3 (NBA), Shock 2 (WNBA), Spartans 2 (NCAA), Wolverines 1 (NCAA)
• Baseball: 3 - Tigers 2 (MLB), Wolverines 1 (NCAA, Softball)
• Football: 11 - Panthers 1 (USFL), Danger (Demolition) 1 (NWFA), Demolition 3 (NWFA) 1 (IWFL), Wolverines 1 (NCAA), Drive 4 (AFL)
• Fencing: 11 - Tartars Women 3 (Wayne State, NCAA), Tartars Men 7 (Wayne State, NCAA), Titans 1 (NCAA)

I think there have been several others winning in other leagues and sports that have come and gone... And I especially mention the fencing because of my school! You can get ya ass expertly skewered fucking around on my campus... Oh yeah and the Tartars have since been renamed the Warriors because nobody knew what the heck the Tartars were...

For a teeny little post it sure took a long time. Too much research... Signing off...

Hilarity In Tha Hood

Even at 2 in the a.m. they are acting crazy.

I just took my dog out for a little outside time. Okay I let him out and followed slowly. Hell I just didn't feel like fighting with his ass.

Anyway he runs down the street and while doing his thing this muthafukka in a big ass truck stops in the middle of the street and yells something out the window I couldn't hear. Then I hear a shrill female voice from the same truck say "Naw muthafucka, that ain't yours! That's his dog! Drive the fuck on got dammit!"

Only in the hood does someone try to dog jack a pit bull at 2 dark thrity.

Y'all Suck!

How the hell do I manage to have 10, count them TEN, posts in draft? I thought you guys were supposed to be inspiring me. Now I got a bunch to finish! Dang!!! How y'all mess up like that?

Although three of them I have been lallygagging about creating since I may have to copyright such goodness before submitting them to print. One is a dream that I have the story but not the rhyme down. Yes the story was narrated in the dream and it rhymes.

The other six you started and I have yet to finish! THANKS BLOGFAM!!! Making me work like a damn hebrew slave like Ladylee did to Kramer's mom...

But the Wings will win tonight!!!! That is my story, and I am sticking too it. Or I will have to start hating on Pittsburgh teams too.

It may take a while for me to clear out these drafts again though. Mom is back at the hospital making all those years of learning scratch their collective heads. Nothing bad happened. Her crazy blood pressure went wacky enough for me to take her to the ER and freeze my ass off for almost half a day. And when I say it is chilly, if the temperature drops three degrees you will see your breath...

A Nigga Moment

Webster defines the Nigga Moment as a moment when ignorance overwhelms the mind of an otherwise logical negro man. Causing him to act in an illogical, self destructive manner. i.e. like a nigga.

- Huey Freeman

Yes friends. You heard me right. Last night I had the misfortune of witnessing a Nigga Moment. What happened you ask? Well, I'll tell you.

Apparently there was a beef. Not cow but some BULL! Okay Bullshit! Somebody please tell me why some 20 year old dude (who we shall call Big Doof) just comes outta the blue and start talking shit to the young folk gathered (not bothering nobody) on my street? I mean they were grouped up being teens and not causing anybody any trouble. But dude comes over to the block and while they are in the middle of their rap/song and says "y'all some bitches!" Now that is just rude most places. In the hood it definitely is a reason to catch a beatdown. Apparently some random worthless chick is the genesis of the whole thing. Apparently he had a gripe with Young Fella (my nephew's cousin) in particular.

:: Begin flashback ::
The shit started earlier with Big Doof calling on Young Fella's phone while Cock Deebo (the nephew) was on it. And he started talking cash shit. None too smart since were we not in the hood Cock Deebo would be the one in the overalls looking all skrong and resisting Becky Ann's amorous advances. You know all corn fed and lifting hay bales and shit. N-E-Waay, Doof is popping shit on the phone. They put his ass on the iggy train and keep it moving.
:: fade to black, end flashback ::

So after dude calls like 7 dudes some bitches they look at him crazy. Then he asks the random worthless chick whose phone number that was that he called earlier. She points out Young Fella. Big Doof now has a target for the stupidity he came over for. Of course this is a no win sitchiation for him. he just walked on to somebody else's block and challenged a 17 year old to a fight over a girl who obviously feels that playing the field is not only a privilege but a right. Y'all know what happened next right?

Yep. About a minute later he is down taking a count. Did I mention that Young Fella is a little skinny dude and he was all swole? Yeah. It didn't look good. But he got tired of getting that ass whoopin' and the fight broke up.

I didn't have time for that shit because it happened between the Red Wings last two goals of the night. I had a Stanley Cup to watch being hoisted. But after the disappointing end to regulation, I went to get the story. I shook my damn head and went back to Hockeytown. Wouldn't you know it, before overtime had even started this shit had started up again. Apparently Doofball came back with his uncle who said "He came back for a rematch". What the fuck? And we wonder why the kids are stupid as hell? So after a couple of minutes of folk unsuccessfully diffusing the situation, round two started. A couple of missed swings by both and the grappled up and started slamming each other on Doof's car. By this time I started thinking of ways to "intervene". So I walked to the back of the crib. And I pondered the .22. Looked at the empty clip. Looked at the charging phone. Thought better of both since them .22s have a way of getting me into trouble and I ain't got no love for the Popo because of it. So I said "fuck it!" Went back up front to see the fight all ended and the cops creeping up onto the scene. So much for me having a Nigga Moment too.

And to top all this off I had to watch (basically) two hockey games just to watch the beloved cup NOT be presented on home ice!!!

Winning, Losing And Guilt By Association.

GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO WIIIIIIIINNNNNNGGGGGGSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!
Lord Stanley shall make his triumphant return to the D! Tonight!!!! (Said Bernie Mac style...)

They have a chance of wrapping it up tonight at The Joe! If they do it will be totally off the chain up in these parts! I might even be tempted to pump the tires on my bike and ride downtownward. I am sure I can find some (or many) random white folk who got beer and are only in too much of a party mood to share. Then again, I never rode drunk so that may be a less than ideal plan.

The Celtics and Lakers are in the NBA Finals. Can I be anymore underwhelmed? I am still trying to get over the heartbreaking disappointment of my cheering being over for this season while the season is still in progress. AND to have two traditional enemies still standing is too much to take!!! I mean I ain't got nobody to root for! The Hornets were to be my backup in case the Pistons didn't do their jobs. So much for backup plans.

I told Diva that I might consider rooting for the Celtics with her. But who the hell am I fooling? I gotta keep it real. I could never root for the Lakers, Celtics or Bulls. Why? They are the enemy of course! They are the hated of hardwood. They are so hated that I can't even root for teams from L.A., Boston or Chicago because they play in the same damn cities!!!! So what you won't see is me rooting for Dodgers, Clippers, Sparks, Kings, Galaxy, Breakers, Red Sox, Patriots, Revolution, Militia, Cubs, White Sox, Bears, Sky, Fire or Force. And any others that I may have forgotten on this list.

For that matter, Denver and Dallas made the list for the Avalanche and the Stars. And Cleveland for baseball. So the list also includes: Rockies, Nuggets, Broncos, Rapids, Mavericks, Cowboys, Burn, Diamonds. OOPS forgot the Browns, Cavaliers, Gladiators, and the City Stars.

Okay, Fuck the Spurs too and by association: Silver Stars. The only reason the WNBA teams make the list is because of their cities. Notice none of them made the enemies list themselves, I loves the ladies you know...

Now I know you guys are saying, What about the football enemies list? Well... As you know, the Lions bite ass and everybody would make the list. But the Cowboys do deserve special mention, just because. And the Demolition (women's full contact football, IWFL) is one of the most dominating teams in sports today so I can only feel sorry for most of their opponents...

And again...
GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO WIIIIIIIINNNNNNGGGGGGSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!
Lemme get my hat right now...

Political Shenanigans Again

Okay, so I weighed in on the whole delegate thing early this year when they were fucking over my vote. Today is when the chickens come home to roost. Today is the day when the Democratic Party's Rules and Bylaws Committee makes a decision on whether to seat the delegates from Florida and Michigan. I must say it made for some interesting TV on CNN and C-SPAN.

Needless to say the Dems in charge for the most part fucked things up royally. And then they likely hoped it wouldn't be an issue since they thought things might be decided by now. Oh how they are wrong! Barack is winning and Hillary ain't quitting. To say it is a mess is somewhat of an understatement. What is at stake in Michigan is what is the best way to not minimize fucking over the Michigan voters. Because until the national election begins and we get a chance to cast a vote that is meaningful at the time it is cast, fucked over we shall remain.

The synopsis of the hearing for Michigan is here.

I guess my favorite part was when The wonderful senior Senator from Michigan, The Honorable Carl Levin, verbally bitch slapped the RBC for starting this whole mess. Basically he said that the problems came about when New Hampshire decided not to follow the new rules and moved their own primary up without penalty. Which inspired similar moves by Florida and then Michigan in protest. Which led to the unseating of delegates. Which led to the popular notion that the primary results would be meaningless in nominating the candidate. Which led to folk removing themselves from the ballot and not campaigning for votes. Which led to an extremely flawed election in Michigan. So flawed in fact that everyone has created their own fiction about "what would have happened". And he basically said that a compromise needed to be made between the two opposing candidate's positions for unity's sake. Then he challenged the RBC to come up with a better solution if they didn't like his. I doubt they will.

The only good solution is a redo. Of course the taxpayers here in Michigan don't feel that it is a worthy project for state funding, a second time. Of course I don't see the RBC getting party leaders to help foot the bill for a bunch of people's bad judgment. So what I am saying on that is, there won't be a good solution.

But it WAS good TV!

A Dozen Random Quirks And Factoids

I been "cussing since the age of talk". Hey! I learned early from older neighbors who were very accomplished at it themselves. I saw one of them a couple of days ago. I guess it is why I thought to mention this. I forget if The Wife or Mom coined the phrase though...
EDIT: It was The Wife who coined the phrase...

~~~

My wife has some very interesting stories about me farting that she LOVES to tell. So of course on some selfish level, I hope none of you ever meet her! But then again, them shits is funny as hell so I guess I wouldn't mind too much.

~~~

I hate things outta place. I ain't saying I am a neat freak. Cause my shyt look blasted often. And I never injured myself trying to clean anything. But once something finds itself a place in my house, I expect that shyt to stay there until needed!!!!

~~~

I have a different drinking vessel for each type of beverage. Yes that is right.

• I have a coffee mug.
• I have a tea mug.
• I have a pop cup (and no I DO NOT MEAN SODA).
• I have two water jugs (half gallon), one repping my beloved Pistons.
• 2.5 52-Ounce 7-Eleven cups, was four (Old racing is broken inside, new racing walked off, one went to dad...okay five), one for Slurpees and the other for fountain drinks.
  
• I have two other cups in semi-retirement. Mostly because of the metal interior or exterior that prevents them from being used in a microwave.
  

All of them are insulated. And woe to any fool who thinks to put one up to their lips. Especially my coffee cup. In addition I have a few others that are used for different reasons but are generally disposable.

~~~

I am a pack rat to a certain extent. I tend to keep things that may have some value at some point in the future. Kinda quirky since I seem to have a good sense for what ain't junk. Hey, you never know when you need to niggarig something. Gotta get my MacGyver on at times. I saved a piece of electronic equipment from a broken kids toy and now I have a headset for my cordless phone which allows me to chat and blog at the same time. My wife however throws stuff away like she got a trust fund or something. She has thrown away several good housewares because washing them was too monumental a task. How do we manage to live together?

~~~

I love me some housewares. Yep. I like plates and mugs and flatware. But get me to some glasses! Man! Especially bar glasses. I stand there envisioning all the wonderful drukenness that can be had with THAT set! And I pretty much got the next kitchen picked out. All KitchenAid. I just gotta get a kitchen so that I know what color to get it all in...

~~~

I never really learned yard work until I was almost 30. Still kinda suck at it. But the first time I lived in a house occupied by the owner was just before my 28th birthday. And it was mid winter when I signed the papers and moved in. So my 28th birthday had come and gone six weeks before the grass needed tending. Something to be said for apartments and townhouses up until then...

~~~

I can only watch MTV in the middle of the night. That seems to be the only time when anyone interesting has a video on the air. Or anybody have a video on the air. In fact, lemme consult the TV Guide for a sec... Uh... Nevamind. Scratch that. It seems that you won't find one even then. I think I only saw one or two hours of music videos scheduled for the next 48 hours on Music Television. Go figure. So when are they gonna change the name to RTV? The seem to have more reality shows than anyone else! When did that happen? And what the hell is the world coming to?

~~~

The Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon soundtrack is still one of the best I have ever enjoyed. Very relaxing. I have slept well many a night with that on the CD player. Some of those nights didn't even require me to get all sweaty and spent first...

~~~

I am definitely Old School and definitely not Hip-Hop. I can't really even define Hip-Hop. But then I haven't really heard anyone else come up with a clear definition of it either. But I know it ain't me. Why? Because Earth, Wind & Fire, The Isley Brothers, Marvin Gaye, The Stylistics, The Spinners and the many others who make up my music collection are most definitely NOT Hip-Hop. Although I do enjoy a little here and there. But you must also remember this about me...

~~~

I was an 80's white boy! During the formative and growth years of Hip-Hop, I was listening to the white cats. Mostly.

~~~

Did Erykah Badu hook any of you like she got me? I thought On and On was just too strange and out there and cool to be merely background music played ad nauseum on some radio station's hot 20 rotation.

Do You Remember?

Y'all remember this? I think this is still one of the funniest damn things I have heard on a sound recording that wasn't on a black comedy album.

I'm Back!

A request has been made that my old avatar make a triumphant return. Who am I to say no to her? I have returned to the panel to the right. At least until I can get the right really shadowy picture of me done...

Lazy Blogging, Please Leave A Message...

Fuck You Friday On Tuesday!

A hearty fuck you goes to me every time I blame the world for my shortcomings that I have so far refused to fix. Fuck you nucca and fix some shyt already!!!!

An extremely stiff middle finger goes to any in-laws and anyone else in the world at large who for some strange reason thought that the kids that I raised would turn out to be criminals. They were wrong because the "golden child" struck first. Not only was it insulting to the kids directly, but indirectly insulting to me and The Wife's parenting skills. Fuck you all for thinking that I when I walked around with a foot up somebody's ass, it was all for show...

The thunderbird goes to the girl child who made an extremely selfish decision that pretty much fucked up everything for everybody who could be affected by that decision. I hope you can FINALLY smell what I been cooking all this time! It ain't about YOU! Now get ya head outta ya ass and let some synapses fire already! Fuck you for fucking up by mistake on purpose!

Get the midda fanga and eat a dick to all the muthafukkas who assume that I was put on this planet to serve or service their asses without special circumstances. Wives and mothers of course ARE special circumstances and to different degrees and in different ways usually deserve to be exceptions. Aside from those... I can't do nuttin' for you man! I'm busy trying to do for me! Get ya lazy bastid ass up and make that shyt happen for you! Fuck yous dammit!

The three knuckle bird goes to any muthafukka who thinks I am inferior. I... hell I ain't gotta say no more on that! Fuck you until you shit stops stinking...

A two handed single finger salute goes to everybody who is profiting from these ridiculous fossil fuel prices. I mean a 20 cent jump in a week? When exactly isn't that shyt price gouging on SOME level and at how many levels in that particular food chain? Are the ones running the wells simply being greedy bastards or are they trying to tell us in a round about way that the shyt is running out and we need to find different solutions? Pretty soon a gallon of gas will cost more than the minimum wage. Won't that be some shyt? Fuck you greedy muthafukkas!

The finger and a cork goes to my dog. That rotten muthafukka just let out an SBD on me and didn't even say shit. Caught me with my mouth open and shyt too. Fuck you ya damn death smelling gut having frickin' animal!

Tha Finga, the middle from slightly more than half the country's voters who turned out to be a minority. And a hearty verbal fuck you to the GWB machine that stole an election. And fuck you chad in all of your different varieties. And fuck September 11, 2001. And fuck the war on terror that didn't find shit in Afghanistan. And fuck those weapons of mass destruction, even if they weren't there. And fuck liberating Iraq. And fuck gay marriages and other assorted election year trickery. And fuck anybody who ever voted for his ass, I hope you are happy looking for work now. I guess I could have kept this short by saying fuck every puff of smoke an every shard of mirror that resulted in his time in office. But fuck that short shit!

And fuck keeping this post from being published for a second longer. I will just have to do another when my finger feels like being used...

Update: Thanks to Ms Behaving for the wonderful graphic...

The Blog Harem

I mentioned before the idea of me having a blog harem. And what real guy wouldn't want a bevy of smart, charming and wonderful beauties around him? Can't speak for anybody else but I know I do! Hell if Flavor Flav's tragic ass can do it why not me? Then again, I have seen what been in his house. I gotta step the game up a bit. Can't have no trash up in the harem you know!

Those who made this list have either spent much time with me and I can't leave alone, have shown me much luv, or have made my Best of the Best posts (and still blog on occasion).

So here is the list of my best girls:

The Most Special One...
She Who Shall Not Be Named - Because for some reason she don't want one! But she has many other names. Lurkus Maxima. MissWhoopABitch. Xena, The Warrior Wife. But most of you know of her by The Wife. Even though she don't blog and don't comment (here) she still makes the list...

My Everyday Hotties...
Opinionated Diva - I just luh her to pieces!!!! I mean she is just so Diva! I couldn't leave her off anyway because she is like the blog wife anyway. You know, nagging, side eyeing, coming by all the time, having my back and such...

I Am J - No nonsense, especially when dealing with teenageness. That gun thing I find alluring too. Nothing like ya girl being able to protect ya back! Besides having a spare clip around in a pinch is cool too...

Queen Of My Castle - Did you see that T-shirt? Do you hear the things she says to me? See look: "...I want my mounds in your hands, your mouth on my peaks..." Where is my fan? I'm just sayin'...

Ms. Behaving - Just too much. Such a sense of humor. And keeps me on my toes. And my Skrait Razor on sharp. And I can call her granny...

Ladylee - Did I happen to mention how attractive a brainy chick with an idea of what a kitchen is for and handy with her hands is? Heck vacuuming in pearls may make her an even better package! Now if I can just get past her looking like a cartoon character all the time...


Those whose real lives are intruding on their blog lives...
Nikki Indigo - Her name should be MakeYouHorny. I think I am having a moment right now... Don't act like you ain't been by there! Somehow she can take a dude's virginity just from blogging!

Deepnthought - Heart of gold, bat of oak and a butt just big enough to get stuck in a window. Even if she does insist that it was because of the clothes stuffed down her sweats.

There are some others I have my eye on but we ain't had that "date" time yet. So I of course will revisit after I have had an adequate amount of time with each of them. Although there is one or two who would have made this cut but I ain't been feeling the luv. So I am going visiting. See y'all in the comment sections!

The Paranoia

I might start getting a little paranoid now.

I know I have had my troubles with inspiration but dang! I get my blog log together and start keeping up and folk start falling by the wayside or clean up and disappearing! Why? Is it something I said?

Is it wrong of me to imagine myself nearly delirious if I was to win a huge jackpot? I know money doesn't fix all problems. But then again I am broke as hell. A large chunk of cash will solve about 95% of them sumbitches! Then of course I would spend my days doing much the same as now... But without the stress...

Why did I just watch Ne-Yo on AMC and then come here and find out that his mom is best buds with one of my cousins? Some strange coinkidink shyt right there! What makes it really funny is that I was just saying to Mom that "I don't hate that song..."

I am getting confused by TV these days. First season, second season, short season, aborted seasons. Network shows now premiering new episodes on cable channels. Most of the VERY few shows I would watch have either been cancelled, are in their last season, were put on hiatus for the season or got so damn convoluted that they weren't worth watching. Yet idiot ass TV like Survivor and (insert name of foolery here) of Love are going strong and spawning more and more idiotic shows just like them. Can I get some drama that ain't "so called "reality""?

I am considering giving up making plans. It seems that whenever I make a plan, something comes along to fuck that right up! It is getting to the point that I feel like I am in a movie. Clash Of The Titans to be specific. You know where Perseus is followed and interfered with by (seemingly) all of Mount Olympus! Yeah, kinda like that... Although winging it ain't my style, it may actually prove to be a beneficial way of doing things.

Oh yeah. And I am considering moving from Blogger to Wordpress. Now if only their themes didn't suck so much. At least the ones I haven't SEEN taken yet...

Edit: Pistons RULE, Celtics DROOL!!!!

Gynecologist

I never wanted to be a gynecologist. Why do you ask? I asked myself the same good question. I mean why wouldn't a red blooded, healthy, heterosexual, young, man whore like myself not enjoy gazing into The Gates Of Heaven all day long? Why indeed... Because I do like gazing into The Gates Of Heaven. And I like passing through those gates into that heavenly place. Why? Obviously because I am not gay and a man whore. Why else? You even paying attention?

And the added bonus is that you get to peer into several different gates all in one day! I could even give you a blog version of my day but my real wife or my blog wife would have something to say about that. And I don't need that drama. But needless to say, a wide variety.

There are TWO reasons that it would be the job from hell for me.

1. Women tend to go see the "woman doctor" for regular checkups and such. And that would be good to get regular visits from your favorite ... patients... Especially the ones that wax... BUT! often you would get those who come in ... um... unexpectedly. Even worse without an appointment. You know, those ones who are having issues with their stuff? And those really bad cases would be the worst. Without getting too graphic, it is like having a nice thick juicy prime rib with baked potato, sauteed onions and mushrooms, horseradish dip, and all the other fixins to boot and have maggots crawling all over the everything. Would you wanna eat that. Me either. Neither of them! That is the kinda vision that would put a brotha off of eating steak/pussy for good. Might make you give it up totally!!!!
2. Overexposure tends to desensitize the senses and (horror) the libido. All I know is the first time my face is close enough to some (healthy) poonanny to smell it and my dick does not get hard, my life will officially be over and done with.

Fellas, you know what I say to be true!

An American Tail: Feivel Goes To Hell

BREAKING NEWS!!!! This just in...
(Dang, looks like y'all get a bonus post today...)



Yes siree! it is a done deal! This little sumbitch is officially KIA!




I will have to give it to him he did have some superior Survival, Evasion, Resistance and Escape skills. I must give him (or her, don't really care which!) a nod of respect for that. But in the end this one's S.E.R.E. instructor neglected to mention the fact that arrogance, overconfidence and sloppiness gets you killed when up against a patient and crafty opponent. This one failed to maintain a stealthy movement profile when in close contact with the enemy. So Feivel got got! By a mesh refuse container and two black t-shirt bags... And a lot of water!

Let them know who you ran up against. Who got you. In fact, show them a picture...




Funeral services were held at my garbage can outside. Internment will be at the Detroit Incinerator, where he will join many friends and relatives who have previously left this august institution...

That is all!

Random: By The Addict and The Second Sixty-Eight

I had the urge to blog, but nothing in particular to write about. How's that for an oxymoron?
That ain't unordinary in blogworld. You just have enough awareness to mention that you do it...

I think this is one of those times where I'm just going to write about random things I think about and wonder if anyone else does too. Here goes...
You must not have read all of my friends to the right. Some of them are quite good at it too!

Why do people not use their turn signals correctly? They just drive, slow down, turn and expect us to know that's what they are going to do. That really irks me to no end.
In Michigan we get a different spin on it. See the asshole in question starts out directly behind you, changes lanes and speeds past you. Then changes lanes back in front of you. Just to make a left turn. Known as the Michiganander Left. Not to be confused with the Michigan U.

Why do white people feel the need to hook up the only two black people they know?
Because they don't want you two black folk bringing your obvious sexual supremacy in front of the white meat they have their eyes on...

I watched a young lady buy a $319 pair of jeans the other day. Would you?
Only if there is an LCD TV in the ass. And then I would put them on a hanger and hook them up to cable. Cause wearing them would be much like putting four TV monitors and a DVD player in a 1985 Caprice Classic. YES that dumb shit is common here in the City/Country.

Don't you hate it when you see someone, and you know they see you but try to act like they don't?
Only if I was trying to talk to them at the time. But usually if they are doing it then I am trying even harder to not see them.

Does anyone besides me miss Inspector Gadget? Martin? New York Undercover?
Funny that you mentioned Inspector Gadget. I am listening to The Show as I type this. Weird!!!! Still get the other two in reruns. Martin got stupid near the end. In fact NYU did too after they killed off half the cops...

Did anyone (besides me) eat Bonkers when they were a kid?? Man, I used to love those things!
I had to go to Google to remember what you are referring to. But I had them once or twice... Sigh... candy...

Are you going green? It's all the rage right now.
Nah. Usually I start to go blonde around this time of year...

It cost me $47 to fill up my Toyota Corolla last week. That's a problem.
The last time I drove my car I got pissed that it cost $25 to do the same thing...I gotta get out more. But then again, I can't afford it.

Why is it that people often won't do in return what you are willing to do for them without question?
No idea

Did Jay & B really get married?
Still SMDH myself... Mariah and Nick too.

How come our audio is often not linked up with our video? (In other words, why do we say one thing and do another?)
Too many kung fu movies as kids trained us to be synced badly.

Do you ever wonder if people speaking another language are really talking about you?
Often. But if they are fuck them! Talking is all they better think of doing!

Charlie Murphy once said on an episode of Dave Chapelle, "even when slapping was fashionable..." Was slapping ever fashionable?
I imagaine it happened at sometime in Dave Chapelle world...

Do you love like it's never going to hurt...even when it does?
Who doesn't?

Untested Poonanny

I have heard a lot of women brag about how good the stuff is. I am usually one to agree with them since I am a firm believer in what my daddy told me. "All putty is good putty. If you see one sitting on top of a garbage can then even she didn't want it. Aside from that, putty is good" Yeah, I know. But you gotta meet Dad to truly appreciate the comment.

But! There is one issue. That issue of HOW good it is. If I ask and you say it is good then I believe you without reservation. If I ask and you say it is "The Bomb" or "The best you are likely to have" or "Tha shyt" then you are likely to generate my Spock eyebrow. Not that I have anything against a woman being confident of her ability to make me feel positively wonderful. But... I will just say it. Some leave a little doubt in my mind. Then I want some evidence that the claim could even be partially true. I ain't saying that average is a bad thing. Average in this particular field is awesome. But claiming to be better than The Queen or The Diva or Stella's best bud, well that takes some stones.

I am gonna need some proof. Cause you keep telling me this and telling me that. You say once I'm with you, I'll never go back. You say there is a lesson you wanna teach. Well here I am baby, Practice What You Preach! And short of wowing me sweaty style, the only way you are gonna get the Spock brow down is to provide:

1. Video. Might be acting. Might not. But I would tend to believe what I see if it ain't an obvious porno job.
2. Testimonials. Having a couple of brothas (or othas) say that you sitting on something better than platinum might do something towards easing my doubts.
3. Samples. Nothing is better than first hand experience. Even if it ain't but for 30 seconds.
4. Kids. Yeah, kids. Pussy that has not dropped a kid is untested. That is the way I see it. Because I know if you are an honoree on Mother's Day then you have made SOMEBODY cum his ass off all up in ya! Which means that I have a good chance of doing the same thing! So all you MILFs have a definite advantage when all other things are equal. unequivocal, undeniable proof that you can get me done!
   

The Real Me vs. The Blog Me: By Opinionated Diva and The Second Sixty-Eight

"There's no telling when I'm down for a jack move!!!!"

As you can plainly see...

So I am gonna spin this one for you.

I curse a lot more on the blog than I do in person. (Nah! the other way around for me... "cussin' since the age of talk" as mom says...) Sometimes when I’m writing, I just feel like shit, fuck, bitch, etc truly does emphasize my mood on paper, in person you have the added advantage of seeing my facial expressions, erratic hand movements, so it’s not nearly as necessary I guess you get the full effect. Unless I’m usually totally relaxed with you, then it’s no holds barred and I’m unapologetically cursing like a mf gd sailor just because *shrugging* I’m so very experienced at it. such an effing lady who likes to curse.

I think I channel my inner sha-nay-nay sailor on the blog, but your first impression of me in person is probably going to be that you think I’m slightly boughie and somewhat stuck up. I can appear standoffish at times. I guess people who aren't constantly running off at the mouth intimidate people for some reason... My sister says it’s It could be my body language…the way I hold my head to the side, arch an eyebrow…that thing I do with my eyes…like I’m judging. Whatever. I never want to make anyone feel like I think they’re beneath me, but sometimes my eyes witness some fuckery, and I can’t help looking at someone like they must be out of their got damn mind. See…there’s the cursing again. I’m just not great at hiding what I’m thinking…is what I’m trying to say.

Patience is not one of my virtues when dealing with stupidity, but I think I have more patience in real life than I convey on the blog, which is understandable since a lot of my posts are rants about something that really annoyed the hell out of me. I should probably write more about the normal stuff in my life, but normal is boring. I know there are plenty of people who enjoy writing about boring things (gag)…that is not something I want to do.

I can’t think of any other ways that I might be different (but I did throw this post together in under ten minutes(Yeah, it took me about that long to revise it too...))…so I think that’s it.

Wait...one more. I think I'm much more revealing on the blog than I am in person. Okay... I know I am.

How are you different (if at all)?

Internet Stalking

Has stalking gone high tech? I am not talking about a Chester hanging out in chat rooms trying to lure loose moraled teens into hell. I don't mean Robert Downey Jr.'s latest "ultra fan". No. I mean High tech stalking gone network style!

If you a baller, you betta watch ya ass! The groupies have formed a club and they got surveillance on your ass! Check out Baller Alert! What is it? Well hear it from their mouths...

Introducing BALLER ALERT: The Ultimate New Nightlife based Text Service That lets you know what celebrities are where so you can get there! If you think it’s all about the Paparazzi you haven’t met the textarazzi.

Dang. I wasn't ready for this...

People as Things

While doing some reading recently I ran across the pitfalls of cloning. Basically the whole overarching story was that these beings were created as a product and were made to fulfill a need. Yet they were never thought of as people. Not really thought of as flesh and blood creatures because the were born to a test tube and an incubation chamber. Not really people because they were created to combat something that was also a creation.

I found that attitude a bit sobering. I started to think about how this attitude was very similar to the way slaves were treated in the past. Then I stopped thinking about the past. I thought about the present. That attitude is still prevalent in society today. In fact it isn't even limited to a certain group anymore. I am even guilty of it.

People are defined by their roles as objects. At least that is my point of view at times. And maybe it is just me. I am a northerner, the snow makes us mean... But I find myself thinking of people by the what and not the who. The UPS man, the mailman, the police officer, the doctor, the checkout lady, the stock dude, the lawyer, the judge, Paris Hilton. See. A whole list of people who are not people. And if you think I am wrong then tell me how much you care about Paris Hilton's feelings. She may be a wonderful, caring, human being who is caught up in being a persona. I mean she could be but...

Anyway, think about all of the times you actually interact with someone who passes by your life. Not the ones you know or interact with on a regular basis. I am talking about the ones who fill a role or come by once and are gone forever. Do you tend to think of the person you met or their persona?

It is especially true here in Blogland. To various degrees we all strive for both. Due to the relative anonymity we tend to portray a persona when blogging in general. But sometimes the posting gets very personal and reveals that which only our loved ones see in reality. Then the person tends to come out.


How often do you see the person?

How often are you seen as a person?

Random Countdown Meme: By Freaky Deaky and The Second Sixty-Eight

I’ve been looking for a meme to do for awhile and I finally found one that didn’t seem like a popularity whore high school girl or closet case emo boy wrote. I got this from Freaky Deaky's blog and jacked it wholesale. He stumbled on this from Southern Gal’s blog who stumbled upon it on another blog.

TEN random things about me:

*I’m a misanthrope. One who hates or mistrusts humankind. Hmm... Okay, i find myself doing that sometimes too...
*I don’t like getting my hands dirty. And especially not greasy.
*I can build computers.
*I’m better at solving hardware problems with your computer than I am with software issues. I'm 50/50 with that...
*I’m sipping on pink lemonade as I answer this meme. See that would be good if it has some of that citrus vodka in it too!
*When I was younger some “experts” thought I might be autistic, partially deaf, or something else. Really? All I managed was to get kidnapped...
*I’m a homebody and prefer being indoors.
*Between the ages of 2-5 years old I rarely spoke to anyone unless I absolutely had to. In fact I still do at times...
*People are often surprised at how soft spoken I am.
*I’m a nonconformist sometimes.

NINE ways to win my heart:

*Compliment me (regularly) without me having to compliment you first.
*Do nice things for me out of the blue.
*Seduce me (physically and mentally).
*Make me laugh.
*Be a good kisser.
*Wear cute panties.
*Dress slutty for me.
*Random acts of affection.
*Understand me.

Can't argue with that list. Onward...

EIGHT things I want to do before I die:

*Become a father. Of ones that look like me.
*Learn how to be a cracker and hacker.
*Fuck a woman of every nationality. This was on my list BEFORE becoming a husband.
*Write a novel. Yeah! The Tales of Force Commander...
*Write a screenplay. Or direct/produce the movie version of the above novel.
*Visit all 50 states and the other continents. Hopefully by motorcycle.
*Fly a plane. Since I won't be realizing that dream of being a naval aviator, I will settle for a P-51 Mustang. From Roush or course...
*Win the lotto. And I mean REALLY big!

SEVEN ways to annoy me:

*Not giving me your undivided attention.
*Making me constantly repeat myself.
*Inflicting your entertainment on me!
*Smothering me/not giving me space when I need it.
*Borrowing stuff without permission and without returning it. I think it is called stealing...
*Not returning stuff in the condition I gave it to you when you borrowed it.
*Being a pussy ass lurker, scary bitch ass lurker, dick sucking punk ass pillow biting lurker (oh wait they’re all lurkers so there really is no difference) lurking on my blog. I was prepared to change this one but it was so well said...

SIX things I believe in:

*Everybody has a price.
*Respect is something that everyone deserves but many don't know how to give it to get it.
*Actions and words are equally important. But only if your word actually means something...
*Ass, cash, or gas nobody rides for free.
*Any woman who hides behind outdated, traditional gender roles isn’t worth my time or energy.
*A good relationship is like a mirror, you get out of it what you put into it.

FIVE things I’m afraid of:

*Losing my favorite people any time soon.
*Having nothing to live for.
*The decline of my health.
*Not making a difference.
*Not being able to control the darkness and anger inside of me. Oh... I see you read the Slughurler posts...

FOUR of my favorite things:

*Holding The Wife
*Going to the movies.
*Kinky sex.
*My Computer

THREE things I do everyday:

*Blog, read or write
*Eat
*Shit

TWO things I want to do right now:

*Paint someone’s insides. I think she knows who she is!
*Get out of the house. And on a spanky brand new YZF-R6. Or in my spanky brand old Mustang.

ONE person I want to see right now:

Granny.

You should know by now that I think you’re all funny acting so I’m not tagging anybody. I dont' think y'all funny acting. But those I would tag are already showing signs of permanent hand prints. And this shyt was hard enough WITH the help. I wouldn't make anyone feel obligated. If you do this on your own though...

Another Dyssturbed Mental Image...

Lemme ask you a question.

If you rolled up on the hot tub and found it occupied by

This guy




And this chick



And this chick


(see I told you there were big boobed asian chicks!)

And these chicks




With these items nearby









Would you find that Dyssturbing?

The Nosey One.

Okay Ms. B, here is the rest of the story. I have this nosey neighbor who seems to spend a bit of time "monitoring" other people's situations. Normally I wouldn't consider that a bad thing. Especially when my answer to "you nosey" is "I call it situational awareness, you gotta know when the hell to duck!"

But it seems that a good portion of her ire is directed toward where I live. Not saying she don't have ammo but dang! I know they noisy and ghetto and messy. I know because I complain to them all the time! But why do she got the Detroit Police on speed dial? I mean aside from the noise (which it seems she never calls them on...) they keep it mostly confined to this property. Yet for some reason she feels the need to mind folks business over here.

And why she gotta call the popo on the kids when they just wanna play basketball instead of being in "bored" and causing trouble. She done got about five or six of those portable basketball rims taken by the police. And the kids weren't even near here property. My thing is that if they are ballin' then I can see their asses and know I am safe. One time she did that a couple of days before school. The kids were pissed. And since they were bored AND pissed of course you know mischief followed. So at some point after the police left (yet again) with the basket ball rim, a large brick invited itself into her living room. Via her plate glass window. I guess somebody was trying to deliver a message.

At the same time we were doing the last minute school shopping. So we were three or four cities away at the time. When we came home we noticed a guy putting up some big ass pieces of wood over her window. So we are scratching out heads while unloading bags. Then the teens hanging out let us in on what happened while we were gone. It was a LOL SMDH moment since we all KNEW something like that would happen eventually.

Jump to a week later. My wife gets a letter addressed to her from an insurance company she never did business with. She opens the mail to find out that the insurance company was planning on filing charges/a claim AGAINST OUR SON for the broken window! Which naturally sent her into a tizzy! Especially since you already know we were three cities away at the time of the incident in question.

I managed to get her to calm down while simultaneously getting myself suitably spun up. (I start calm and work up...) We discussed strategy and tactics. Thought about which other windows wanted to join the first one. And thought about which of her attorney friends would most like to earn some extra coin from the lawsuit we were about to file. That lightened the mood somewhat.

Before talking to her friends, we decided to call the insurance company to ask what was their major malfunction before the litigation began. It seems that the insurance adjuster assumed that Mister was involved because his FIRST name was given to the investigator by some unrevealed witness. They backed into a connection to The Wife somehow and bam, the letter. She then promtly informed them that

1. We were not in the city at the time of the incident.
2. She has corroborating witnesses as to times and locations of the accused.
3. She had paper documentation (receipts) with those times and dates (school shopping, remember?)
4. There was no police report that said HER child was the person of interest since the first name but not the last name were correct.
5. The police did not question anyone at the house about the incident.
6. It was strange they would try to get money out of her with NO proof that would stand up in court.
7. That she was gonna sue that woman right out of her damn house for stalking and bearing false witness (yeah, I know, but it is dramatic license...)
8. And most important, that her attorneys were gonna get WELL paid from digging into the insurance company's DEEP pockets for such fuckery. (And you know if the attorneys get well paid, you get paid even better!)

After all this and a few legal references that I can't remember, the lady on the phone said that they had some suspicions that things were not quite what the lady was saying. The matter would be dropped and they would discuss the possible pitfalls of accusing innocent people of property crimes with their customer. Let her know that they were the ones who would pay the most in such a case.

Since You Asked...

Lemme see.

Mom is outta the hospital and back home. Getting all spoiled and such. GOOD coffee on a regular basis. HOME cooked meals. Finally got that rib she been wanting. And home made macaroni and cheese. I can tuck that recipe into my belt now. And her blood pressure is trying to run normal. Half a million pills, but trying at normal. She does need to learn to trust in her assistance because for some reason she wants to put the good arm right where it will cause the most problems. But okay nonetheless.

The dog is currently desperately trying to get the potato chip I just threw at him. Look at him go! I would attach video but I can't get it off of my phone at the present. I think he is finally realizing that a clean floor = full bowls. And that outside is better than inside. And that if he HASN'T already used the bathroom he gets to go OUT. Of course he did have a bad couple of days. I swear it seemed like he ate a whole pack of tube socks or something. Three days straight he managed to have me standing around while he passed yet another sock. And then he spent the next day alternately puking and crapping all over the floor. I do wonder if he managed to have gained enough sense to not eat clothing, unless the burglar is still in them of course...

Not much is new in the hood. The nosey old chick is still stalking the kids and calling the po-po on everybody she can. You would think she learned after having that brick invite itself into her living room through the plate glass window and then accusing my son of the crime and having my wife (paralegal) threaten to sue her insurance company and her ass out of her property. We were of course three cities away when that shyt happened. Folk still stripping houses like crazy. Somehow the one that was nothing but shell managed to catch on fire. Who... I mean how I don't know. Oh yeah and the po-po rolled up in front of the crib yesterday. They jumped out and was all up in the driveway. Turns out they were narcos. Somehow my nosey nephew found out they were looking for a crackhead who had been stealing people's pipes. I assume he was boosting from houses that were occupied since they were chasing his ass.

And I am horny often and I suspect the blood pressure medication is working a little TOO well in... uh... places...

Something Old And Something New

Okay. I been cheatin'. I admit it.

Before any of you get your panties in a bunch and find your way to the tiny village of uproar, don't!

I haven't been cheating on The Wife. I been cheating with her!

Now that I done stunned ya into silence. Close ya mouth too.

Because I been cheating on YOU! A couple of audio posts have been directed in her direction (for you to enjoy also). Which means technically I haven't been giving you what you need. And I know you need me as often as you can get me. I know, I know. So wonderful, so wonderful! I won't get off into all the whys of my latest posts, or lack thereof, but I will say that I have been reading and commenting more often than I do my own thing.

But I have been uninspired. And because of that I don't post much. And even when I do post it ain't much...

So I am gonna change that. I am gonna let YOU inspire me. Since I read more than I write now, I will use that reading as a basis for writing my own stuff for the second half of May anyway. So I will be jacking posts!!! Just wanted you to know. So when you come here this month, you MAY find that you coauthored a post here like OD has done on a couple of occasions. Or you may get the feeling that could have written this post yourself, you may have (sorta). Of course any posts that get jacked will have my own special dyssturbedness interjected into the mix. So get out there and write me some good seed material folks!!!!!

Babe...

I Truly Adore You...

And Happy Mother's Day!!!

Lurkers and Comment Whores

You know a lot has been said about lurkers. A LOT! And still somehow it ain't enough. Why you ask? Well that is a very good question. Because them sumbitches is rude!!! Why you ask? Another very good question!!!! Because we bloggers are generally comment whores. Not saying that everybody is. But let's face it. If we didn't want comments and the resulting dialog, the we would just have idle thoughts and keep that shit to ourselves.

Why are we like that? Yet another damn good question!!!! You're getting quite good at this! Because we like interfacing with others and the attention doesn't usually hurt the ego.


What...? Yeah, that is the explanation. What were YOU hoping for, the meaning of life?

Of course you are honor bound to leave a comment now. Just because you know what is up.

The Ghosts

This one was an interesting one. He was hiding out in an abandoned industrial park. But he got found. For some reason he thought he was safe. He wasn't. Maybe it was the remote location. Maybe it was the grip of guards around him. Maybe he was just arrogant like that. Who knows?

We were supposed to get in, get him and get out. Nothing fancy. Nothing spectacular.

I love night-ops. Night vision makes them stand out REALLY good. Real easy pickings. The odds seemed stacked in their favor. Fifty eleven to two. But the odds have been known to be wrong...

Insertion was to the southwest. Me and my partner split at the stream. Him on the north bank. Me on the south. After a couple of tense minutes sneaking around in the dark, contact. Smoking on guard duty. Not the smartest bunch of corpses. Bam, bam, bam. These dudes are slippin'. This may be easier than I thought. Onward. I clear the south bank with not too much more resistance than that. My partner gets done on the north bank and heads inside the fence. I check around one more time and hurry to catch up.

My partner is already going right so I go left. I wonder if we are gonna find him outside or will we have to clear the buildings. I stop wondering real quick when the patrol turns around the corner. I am positive the look of shock and mild panic that they are wearing is mirrored in mine. Unfortunately for them my gun was already up and on target. I HATE close encounters like that. I finish checking and clearing the side of the building. Satisfied that nobody is left over there, I beat it back to provide cover.

Just as I spot my partner, I realize he is a little busy. Gun down, grenade out, pin out, reach back, jerk, drop... Damn! Somebody else saw him too! BANG! No use hoping he is merely wounded now.

Things are a lot less safe now. I carefully search the area and find the guilty party. I hold the trigger down for an extra half second. Just because...

Thoughts of heading back for extraction start running through my mind. But first I gotta deal with whatever he was about to throw that grenade into. No use in leaving somebody to shoot me in the back as I beat the hell up outta the joint. I check his last area of interest and what do I find? Objective #1! Seems that self preservation and finishing the mission are running down the same road. And I really can't believe he is outside in a tent! But I do see why the grenade was needed. He got like 10 guards around him. I ready my trusty grenade launcher and fire one toward the largest bunch of guards. Reload and the next drops just short of the tent. Before I can get another guns start firing. None close so they don't know where I am. I unload the first clip into the tent. Got him! I unload a second clip around the tent. I reload and check for movement. Nobody moving so I do. And run like hell! Out the fence and down the depression into the stream. No use in being a good target for them. As the Blackhawk landed, I couldn't help thinking that there would only be beer for one this time...

That was pretty much my Sunday. And some other days when I am on my computer and not blogging.

This is HQ=NepLou signing off from the world of Ghost Recon!

Well? Dontcha?

Don't you hate it when stuff don't work right? Blogger posts on schedule. But when I tried it that didn't seem to work right. Ain't that some shyt?

Don't you hate when people's word verification takes more words and time than your actual comment?

Don't you hate when you FINALLY think of a good post and you find it has already been done THAT DAY?

Don't you hate it when somebody just completely shits on your day?

Don't you hate it when you wanna and just can't?

Don't you hate when a muhfugga considers a good blog post asking you a bunch of damn questions?

Don't you hate it when somebody starts a post and quits right in the mid

I Have Interesting Family

William Lynch