Mmmm.... Piiiieeee....

I baked pie y'all! See...

The story on these are that it was supposed to be a simple single pie to test the concept. Well. I went and bought 10 huge apples. Huge meaning roughly softball size. I peeled six of them before I started slicing them. I realized that only about half would fit in a deep dish Pet-Ritz (okay it was Meijer brand) pie shell. Yeah I cheated. So what? Anyway, too many apples. I finished assembling the innards of the first (the ugly one) pie. I attempted to top it with the second shell from the pack. That didn't go over too well. Turns out I let it thaw too much while it was in the pan. Okay, on to plan B. Kinda sucked because plan A allowed me to be lazy and not make pie crusts. What you gonna do? So I solved the sticky pie shell and over abundance of cut apple problems by making a second (the pretty one) pie! Of course I needed to break out the mixing bowls and such because there ain't nothing sadder than a topless fruit pie. Sooooooo... I got out the cookbook and got to mixing. This resulted in my first pie crust. I bet you can guess which pie that one went on! Since I the whole experiment was an exercise in learning, I learned that the recipe in the book makes one dry ass crust. So I improvised on the second. And of course pretty pie was the result. In fact that crust rolled out so nice that I had a bunch of extra dough. So of course I used them. Like I said, too much Food Network!

Things I learned.

1. The book ain't a better cook than me.
2. Bake longer, apples get softer.
3. I watch too much damn Food Network (I am blaming The Wife for that!)
4. I CAN DO PIE!
5. Da hell with Pet-Ritz!
6. Butter makes it better.
7. Da next time I will tackle the butter crust! Of course that may make it taste so freakin' good that I will be tempted to "American Pie" the damn thing instead of eating it out!

Next up, solving the logistics of the Cookie Christmas Gifts! You know how many, what varieties, to whom?

Gettin' Better

I seem to be getting better y'all. I actually managed to read everybody in my link list in one day! Whew! I am tired... But I had to come by and at least lurk if not actually leave a comment. Of course you know I can't resist leaving one. This time I read from the bottom up. That way them damn bubbles didn't keep me away from the rest of ya! Which of course saved miss Diva and Six for last!

I seem to be going link crazy because there are two new link lists that were not there a month ago. The recommended reads were the ones from you guys. The M.I.A. are the ones who are somewhat behind in their posting. Not that I don't understand that. I was a little behind myself. But hey, folk get busy. So I have moved them to a different place of honor. See y'all when you get back to it!

I think I also may have found a new entry for my next greatest posts post. I may have to go and dig into folks histories a little more...

Later!

Da Hell?

Why do you nutcases out there in bloggerworld post a link to ya damn Myspace page and then set ya fukkin' profile to private? That is like walking up to somebody and telling them you got a secret and then walking the hell away! I see I ain't they craziest nut in this Snickers bar!

Since when did being homeless turn into a job? I ain't saying that folk don't have problems. But when I see the same grimy hand at the same damn joints for two damn years, I consider that something of an issue.

2 girls 1 cup. Curiosity can be such a dangerous thing! Now I wish I hadn't wondered what the hell folk were talking about. That shit is gross and nasty. And yeah the pun was intended too! Y'all will have to excuse me. I will now go to be sick...

More later... Consider yourself threatened!

Not Much...

I don't have much today. I am gonna go lurking.

But I did wanna say hi to my newest fan! Hey Wifey!!!

Now maybe I can get you over that horrible shy thing where you care what folk think and get you into communication (blogging) mode...

Post 150!!!

Wow! I finally got to 150! Raced to 100, crawled for 50 more... ah well. What can ya do huh? Technically this is 152, but there are still two in draft stage so they don't count. May finish them one day... But then I gotta read more to finish that new greatest hits post...

I finally got my head up outta my ass! When I got my head screwed on right, I can remember those gems that come to mind when I am not at my computer. Why? (I know you are asking...) Because there is a voice recorder on my phone! I did mention my new phone didn't I? Anyway, I may post more random shyt as a result! (shaddup! I know I always promise, but it is like quitting smoking, just gotta keep going until successful!)

That said, Robin Williams HAS to be the most insane person on the planet. I awoke to Inside The Actor's Studio yesterday. He was the subject of the interview. If you have ever seen him outside of a scripted performance, then you know he just don't stop. Ever! The guy asked him the method to his madness. His attempt at an explanation was some of the most hilarious improv I have ever seen. I always knew he was "special", I just didn't realize how gifted he truly is! That and he spent some time in the area (the rich folks area) because his pops was a vice-president for Lincoln.

This damn old-timers is a bitch. I just forgot what I was gonna say after that thing I just said!

Oh yeah! I just added another section to the blogroll. The recommended reads are in their own list. Now if I can just get caught up enough to read them all... Gotta stop going to Divalicious Opinions first. Them damn bubbles...

If ya didn't already know, y'all are some "special" individuals. And I mean that in a good way! Okay I mean that in a lot of ways... But you understand where I am coming from since it takes one inmate to truly understand another! Much love blogger peeps!

Sick To My Stomach

Warning!!! If you are even close to being in a good mood, come back and read this later! It WILL ruin a good day.

There are some truly sick bastards in this world. Love between a mother and a child should NEVER have to go to these lengths. It makes me sad that there are folk who have so little respect for others that this had to happen. I am posting the short version. The full story is linked below. Sigh...I am going to check the mail right now for my permit.

As her mother lay bleeding from two gunshot wounds and a family friend frantically called police, 8-year-old Alexia Parker lunged at an ex-con who apparently planned to kill them all.

On Tuesday, Alexia was recovering from multiple gunshot wounds, many to the head, in a Detroit hospital...

After watching her mother get shot, Alexia "jumped into the front seat, trying to protect her mom and stop" Tillie, the police report said.

The report added that Tillie "without hesitation, immediately fired six shots into" Alexia who "collapsed, critically injured."

The full story is here

Much Of Nothing

You know I really don't have any thing to say today. But I didn't want to make this an empty click trip for ya! Ha Haaaaaa!

BUT...

Why is it that those gems of thought that I have while away from the computer completely elude me when I am sitting here? Is that Postus Thoughtus Interruptus?

I do sometimes wonder how many bloggers are actually fat nerds like myself. I know when I read my own stuff there is some buff handsome dude writing it. Okay, the buff part is the fiction. What can I say?

Thanks to J I do hereby name the 1990's as the decade of the Damn! Why? Because she said this to me recently.

Adub was born in 92. I think that was the year of the "damn" cause thats what I say to her when she says she doesn't know why she makes the choices that she makes.

Of course there are three in my sphere of influence born one and two years ahead of her who are no less "enigmatic". That is they also think that "I don't know" is an acceptable answer when I ask them why they made the choice that they did.

My dog recently had an outta body experience. He has for some reason forgotten that the floor on which he sleeps is NOT suitable for bathroom purposes. Uncharacteristically of me, I took the high road and did not meet his erroneous ways with a violent reaction. I merely gave him the idea that it was not acceptable and let the terror of a possible encounter do the work. Of course he chose to take my kindness as a sign of weakness. How do you ask? This dumb son of a bitch growled at me when I stopped to look in disbelief at what he did to my damn wood floor for the FIFTH time in four days! Somehow because I chose to be nice he thought I did something stupid like forgot I was the alpha male in this pack? Can he be serious? When the hell did he think he earned alpha male status in MY damn pack? He don't feed or shelter his damn self, much less anyone else! Asshole! Anyway, I met that small act of aggression with one of my own. I used the baseball bat, as a cane for me to lean on, just to let the realization of what he did sink in. After he let his sense return, I proceeded to clean up the floor whilst reminding him of two very important things that he seemed to have forgotten. First is that he has no thumbs. And second that I have the damn food, and water. Then I wished him luck finding provisions for the next two or three days. You know he was so nice today I actually let him eat lunch. Of course my floor had to stay dry and shit free for three consecutive days before I would even consider it. Remember kiddies, violence ain't the only way!!!

And if you think I am dead wrong about the bat, then check this muhfugga out!

Damn, I guess I did have something to say. Ignore my teasing at the beginning...

Dissatisfaction Maximus Part 2

Yep. More of it. Except this time it ain't mine. This time it is The Wife. Why do you ask? Well those reasons are very much related to the reasons for the part 1 of this post. If you need to get up to speed, hit this link Dissatisfaction Maximus.

For her the issues mostly stem from the fact that we are not in the same place. It affects a great deal of things. Outside of the emotional things, it also affects the finances, child rearing, and generally peace of mind. I won't get into the emotional things here. I kinda did that in the first post. And I told her to start blogging to get things off her chest a bit. So I will leave that particular content for her, in case she ever decides to do so. I will touch on the other things.

In reverse order.

Peace of mind is the thing that is most lacking. For her, for me. I think you all pretty much are zoned in on why mine is gone. For her, at least to my point of view, it comes down to one thing once the separation and distance issues are accounted for. That being who she lives with. And yes, you guessed it, they don't call them A Mother for nothing! And don't act like you ain't got one cause you know what I am talking about! The short version is that she is being unnecessarily whiny, petty and self centered (for lack of more wordy and PC terminology). I can understand to a certain extent the effect of having extra folk in your house and all. BUT damn! For instance. If my wife decides she wants to see my face during the week, she has to jump a million unnecessary hoops. Usually she would stop by after work, wait until rush hour traffic died down and head on in. It would take about 15 minutes for her to get here. Around 12 miles driving. But her mother would complain SOOOO much about her leaving the kids there (17 and 16) now she goes to get them before coming by. Lemme frame that for ya. 20-30 minute drive(depending on traffic) to get them (15 miles). Wait for 10-30 minutes for them to get their shit together, AFTER she arrives (like they weren't already warned...). THEN another 20-30 minute ride to get to me (dependent on traffic, 14 more miles). So a 15 minute ride turns into a hour to hour and a half journey! So quite naturally she doesn't spend much time with me during the week. And these are the same grandkids that my MIL doesn't want anyone else to even think about claiming grandparenthood of. Go figure. Yet my BIL will leave his buddies or his girlfriend (who the MIL HATES) there and HE doesn't have to come across town to retrieve his peeps! And of course if she does come by (at all) she has to hear "If you love them so much you should move back in with them". I am really sick of that one. But I won't digress. Or if The Wife decides to rest (after work) instead of doing her mother's bidding, then "I bet you would do it for your HUSBAND or his mother!" Yes the emphasis is there for a reason, cause that is how she does it. And... Shit. So much for the short version. Hell if you ain't got the point by now, YOU need help. On to the next.

Before I get too deep in the rest I have to say that The Wife and I have a strange Yin and Yang thing going on. One strong where the other is weak. One mega where the other is minima. So we are almost completely opposite on a lot of things. Especially the next two.

Child rearing is the next area. This one is not new. But the thing is that it is something that kinda slides on occasion because of absence. My wife is the spoiler. So she gives just because. I am the discipline. I put my foot in their necks, and their asses. I would spoil them more but I can't because she won't bring the smackdown. I am sure you can see the problem with that. Since they ain't with me...

Finances is the other area. The Wife is like the ultimate consumer. Well, not quite. She will do her best to do for everybody, but her. Just to illustrate (this is a fictional account) you will see the kids (16 and 17 remember) walking around with fresh kicks (for the second week in a row) and she will be walking around with her left tit sagging because the bra strap broke. And trust me, she need to support my toys! (I bet you can see me smiling from there!) I on the other hand will seriously consider not buying food if the funds get below a certain point and pay day is more than two days away. Yeah, I am a little psycho about that but hey, I have been caught broke too many times when funds were needed RIGHT THEN! But that is a bad habit I picked up because she isn't a saver. So the problem is I am not there to keep the spending reigned in. Or to add to the fund as it is. You can follow the rest of that line of thought to the logical conclusion.

Needless to say, she is stressed to a breaking point by now. I have been there for a while. Returning our house to a reunited state is becoming the most important thing on both plates. In fact becoming critically important. Almost to the point where making a not so smart financial decision seems like a good idea. Hmm... Things must be bad if we are considering taking an apartment in a complex where the management is sucky, the apartment is too small and it would leave the dog and both our mothers in questionable housing situations.

REALLY CONSIDERING IT!

Can You Say Depression?

Will somebody please slap the Asshole-In-Chief? If I hear about the economy being anything but in the shithole one more time, I may snap! If you wanna know why, Check this out.

Beware!!!! Long Posts Follow!

A lot done happened since I posted last. So you all get caught up in one fell swoop. Go get some coffee though. A couple of them got quite long.

RIP: Auntie Bingo

This is a dedication to my recently departed Aunt Sandra. Or to those of us really in the know Auntie Bingo! If you are a bingo head in this city then you probably met her. Or in Windsor for that matter. In fact she was such a bingo head that she was sitting in a bingo hall on my wedding day desperately trying to remember what else she had to do that day! Her husband was on the golf course doing the same thing. So that day they got Uncle Golf and Auntie Bingo hung on them forever more. In fact the last time I saw her before the hospital, she was fussing about her sister making her wait and taking too long, "running her mouth, she talk too much, she play too much". I am sure I don't have tell you where they were headed.

So to you I dedicate this post. And I will have to risk lung cancer and play a session or two. But hey, it ain't a dedication unless you some gesture of the appropriate kind!

Funerals and Weddings (Okay Just Funerals)...

The two aforementioned occasions usually generate the most memorable stories. I am sure I mentioned a couple of funerals before. I haven't been to a wedding in forever so you will have to wait on those stories. That said...

My Aunt passed last week. The funeral was this past Saturday. This is a new one for the books!

Things started out normal. Got there with a minimum of muss and fuss and on time. The ceremony was probably the least abnormal one I have been to in a long time. The main glitch in this one being that the organist didn't show. So we got some spirituals acapella. Not too bad with a little audience participation.

Then things got a little weird. They told us to get in our cars and turn on our lights if we were heading to the cemetery. That is the last clear instruction given. Long story short, I ended up driving around like a mouse in a maze just to end up back in the parking spot I started in. Which of course means that I was at the back of the procession. ALL the way at the back. Usually the end car is the biggest damn thing that pulled up in the lot. I think in this one there were several at the front. Then where the line was forming was completely unclear. THEN somebody came after me and took the last position and borrowed one of the two flags on the roof. So things finally get moving, at HIGH speed. By the time I started moving good I realized that I was driving about 10 mph over the speed limit! Most processions I have been in were 10 under. Not this one! I don't know where what was because there was a van two cars in front or me and I don't think that driver knew what the hell to do. We alternated between bat outta hell and stop for three lights at the same spot mode. At one point it actually stopped and those of us at the end of the line were blocking a major street just sitting there. Looking stupid of course. Through no fault of our own, but stupid nonetheless! Finally we get going again and some dude with a death wish and a complete lack of understanding of what my family name is, and means, decides to pull a bonehead! How boneheaded do you ask? He passes several of our cars on our left (same direction) and when he arrives at his turn, what do you think he did? Stop and wait? No! I said bonehead! Slide into the funeral line (illegally) and then turn? No dammit! I said death wish! This fool ass makes a right turn from the left lane BETWEEN the two cars in front of me WHILE WE WERE STILL MOVING AT FULL SPEED (about 40). NEVER have I seen the like!

Of course the fun is not over because we pass a hearse in front of another church. I didn't know if it was ours or another funeral queuing up to leave themselves. Somehow that hearse managed to catch and pass us. I thought it was ours catching back up after having stopped for whatever reason. I guess I was wrong. As we approached the logical turn for the burial site, I watched my father's car (with flag) turn the corner. The two cars behind him turned too. The three cars in front of me kept straight! So did I! So now that line of cars that I had suspected of being separated were definitely separated now! So I turned my blinker on. The next light was a street that led to the cemetery along the north side of the airport that it adjoins. Luckily everybody else turned too! So now there are four or five cars with funeral flags rolling down Outer Drive with no hearse. The van behind me shoots around me and the car that was on the street before we turned. Suddenly we are all doing about 20 or 25 over the speed limit in some kinda morbid street race from The Fast and The Furious or something. Strangely enough we got to the cemetery gates as the FRONT of the funeral procession was waiting to turn left into the cemetery. That was the first time I EVER got there before the departed did! But there were already family members parked and waiting when we got there! So a group got there before we did. We arrived just before the hearse. The hearse with most of the rest of the group. Yeah, I know you just MOST of the rest? The fourth group, which included my father (remember?), ended up at ANOTHER cemetery because they got mixed in with the funeral line from the other church!

And don't even get me started on how some of these folk dressed!!!!

Whew!

Been a little bit busy around these parts! Since my last post much life has happened. Mom was admitted to emergency for hypertension, 260/160 to be exact. Since her blood pressure is hard to control she of course was admitted. This was actually a couple of days before the last post. Right after I published the last post (10 minutes) I was given the news that my Aunt had passed. That one cost me an hour of composure or so. Two days later I got news that a friend of the family, who shares a name with me, died of a heart attack. He was two years older than I and in (seemingly) far better shape. Never thought I would see the bathroom as a potential portal to another existence... And I found out that my cousin/brother from another mother was also in emergency for the exact same reason that mom had been (see numbers above). After that was preparations for Thanksgiving dinner, preparations for my mother's return home, preparations for funerals and preparations for a long weekend of time spent alone with my wife. Oh, and I got a new phone.

Plans have a way of going awry though. Mom's return home was delayed by a energy distribution issue. But she is finally back where she is supposed to be. Fortunately there is some good news on that front. Her doctor is a fault for this visit. Too worried about running her blood pressure too low, he prescribed an insufficient amount of medication to keep it from going too high. Now his ass is history, with us at least. I don't doubt he is a good doctor, but being overly cautious and not listening is not a good reason to get sued because I had to plan my own mother's funeral for something that could have been easily avoided. Besides, he works for a different hospital system than the one where she makes her hospital visits. Too much keeps getting lost in the transition. Fuck all that! Time for a new!

Plans with my wife also went awry. Thanksgiving with family then a hotel suite alone then funeral and post funeral family time. Well... The Thanksgiving with family part went off as planned. The only problem is that I didn't drink nearly as much as I thought I would. But I ate more so there was no room. Felt like I was deep into my third trimester when I was press ganged into manning the blender for the first round of Frozen Strawberry Daiquiris. I would put up a picture of the table but I don't have the cable to connect my phone to my computer. Ah well...

The hotel part is when things really went off track. Friday night was spent at her mother's house instead. And even though everyone else was gone for the night, somehow we still didn't manage to be alone that night. Saturday was the funeral. This one requires a whole nother post! But afterward I cut the family time short to pick up our plans again. Saturday from check-in to check-out ALONE! Didn't work out that way. Headed home to get some info, check on mom and such. Nearly got run over by a big ass pickup truck because he wasn't paying attention to what he was doing. Fortunately there was a turn lane on the street we were on. I am talking UGLY otherwise. Ram 250 4X4 Vs Hyundai ugly! One cop close enough to see the accident kept going. Another was a block away at the White Castle. I wonder how long it took for one to show up at the accident site...

Anyway. We end up at the crib after deciding that drinks were in order after the close call. I walk in the house to find only the dog and my mom inside. You remember my mom right? The woman who can barely stand, much less walk? I saw my sister at the funeral, so I wasn't expecting to see her at the crib. However I didn't see either of her sons either. My mom thought they were in the driveway tinkering. Since there was no sight or sound of those who were supposed to be with her, we sat to stay a while. A half hour later my sister called looking for her sons. So they didn't go to gathering spot. So we waited some more... for like two hours. So by this time I am ready to kill, or stroke out. The left her alone for over two hours to go work on some cars. Their excuse was they were trying to get some money to buy mom some food. Of course there are several things wrong with that. First, if they needed money I could get some. I have access to her funds and I ain't about to let them run out before her next check. She do gotta eat!!!! Two, they know my damn phone number. Tres, She had two plates of food from Thanksgiving that she had yet to eat from. Quattro, she could have fallen trying to go to the bathroom, best case is she would have been on the floor until somebody came in the house and helped her up. BEST case. Cinq, Can anyone say FIRE? Sechs, The dog has not thumbs! So leashes and doorknobs would have presented some problems... Lastly, What the fuck? They only make pocket change IF the muthafukkas even pay their asses! That is more important than my mother's life? I betta stop now and go take my blood pressure pill...

Needless to say that my voice reached a timbre and intensity that few if any have ever heard before. But I ain't in jail. Self control is a good thing at times. And of course that also ruined the mood for the day. So my wife decided we needed a good drink, and a good steak too. Okay the steak was good. Belly busting porterhouses tend to be that way. Her drink was good. My two were...uninspired... The only thing they managed to do was make me sleepy. Either I was too pisst to get high or the bartender was bullshitting. Should have known I was in trouble when I asked for a drink recommendation and my server was not able to do so. She wasn't old enough...

So we managed to find a room anyway. Just to get away for ONE night. Found a little no-tell (with mirrors!) to kick back in. We managed to salvage what was one crazy ass day that ended a crazy ass week.

At least until we had to part. I got this in a text message three minutes after she pulled away. "I'm crying now". Just one more reason for me to hate Sundays...

Fattening The Blogroll

It is not secret that I have been somewhat missing lately. For a number of reasons I have either been time or motivation or resource constrained. More important is that I noticed that I don't read as much either. I think that kinda goes to the motivation part. My blogging isn't always inspired by my own experiences. Sometimes I get a spark from somebody else and have to throw my own spin on something. And my longtime readers know that I will cut a long winded comment off and post that gem of opinionation on my own page. Besides who wants to read a novel in a comment section? So I guess what I am saying is that I been missing you guys somewhat. I have been here and not. I am trying to erase the not part.

That said, I will get to the point of the title. I am calling out to my blogger fams for some shout outs! I used to discover my way to others by clicking links in other folks blogrolls. I may continue that. But what I really want is for you guys to point me to your favorites. Who do you read on the regular. If you only had time to get to one or two faves in a day, who would they be? And why? I especially wanna know about the folk who aren't in my list already. I of course assume I am there because my ego is on that trip today, so you need not mention me. Well you can mention me if you wanna. Never turned down a good ego strokin'! Anyway, let me stop playin' before I start believing this egotistical crap...

Home By The Sea: The Beginning

Images of sorrow, pictures of delight
Things that go to make up a life
Endless days of summer
Longer nights of gloom
Waiting for the morning light
Scenes of unimportance, photos in a frame
Things that go to make up a life
- Genesis


This passage often pops into my mind whenever I think about the things undone in my own life. I am sure you all have asked at one time or another, "what remains of me after I am gone?" I often find myself wondering what certain folk would think of things as they are now. Hell just starting to think about this one is getting me all lost in the whole spiderweb of thoughts that started this post a week ago. Couldn't really get on top of the whole thing. Still can't. Too much to sort through. I may have to revisit this from time to time.

I will say this before the "to be continued..."
A thing I have been hearing at funerals lately is that on your tombstone under your name there are dates. The first number is when you arrived. The second number is when you left. In between is a dash. You live your life in the dash. For me, I think my dash is a broken line. Right now, there are things undone that I still feel are important. If for no one else but me. I guess it is time to fix the holes in my dash as it is. Of course I still got other stuff coming yet to do, but those are for the rest of the dash. The rest of the "gonna get considerably longer" dash.

to be continued...

Tha Damn Bubbles

I have just figured out a reason for my lack of blogging production. For some reason I spend a lot of time with somebody's bubbles. They are downright distracting in fact. But then again a good set of bubbles will do just that when you see them. But I find myself playing with Diva's bubbles instead of reading and writing blogs. Although I do admit that playing with her bubbles is quite fun. And I DO love me some bubbles. Got my mouth watering just thinking about them now... In fact, the post got me thinking about more than bubbles. Strangely enough SHE seems to be loaded for distraction in that department too... Now I am REALLY distracted. I think it is time to surf for porn again...

Holla!

Tha Blogroll, Again...

In case you haven't noticed, my blogroll has changed. Fresh is no longer stalked on occasion. That dude is crazy as hell. If you ain't been there, go. You too will find yourself saying "Only you Fresh..."

And The Addict is a newbie to the scene. Since I commented all of her posts and started posting in her comment section (like I did all of you above her...), I had to add her too. Of course she does need to post more. But since I ain't one to put that out there being all guilty and such... Pop on over and give a little encouragement. Besides, I think she is showing signs of being dyssturbed too!

A Dedication To: The Wife

Chemistry Was Crazy From The Get-go
Neither One Of Us Knew Why
We Didn't Build Nothing Overnight
Cuz A Love Like This Takes Some Time
People Swore It Off As A Phase
Said We Cant See That
Now From Top To Bottom
They See That We Did That (yes)
Its So True That (yes)
Weve Been Through It (yes)
We Got Real Shit (yes)
See Baby We Been...

Too Strong For Too Long (and I Cant Be Without You Baby)
- Mary J. Blige

Yeah, I stole it. Okay it ain't so much stolen, but being used as an inspiration for this post. That said, it has been eleven years (and change). So I dedicate these lyrics to my beautiful wife _____. (Ha! Nice try y'all, I ain't tellin'!) And even more important a hearty and lusty middle finger to all them fukkas who made predictions that were short of forever. And especially to those whose predictions fell short of the newlywed phase. And I am giving that muhfugga north, south, east AND west. So if ya standing, laying here, laying there or hanging from a rafter like the bats that ya are, you understand what I am screaming! Ya feel me! (that one snuck into a rant didn't it?)

Uh...

Been a little missing because the dog chewed up the cord to the router. Damn nephew gave it to him...

Why I Blog: By Opinionated Diva and The Second Sixty-Eight

I started thinking about this after Opinionated Diva asked an extremely good question. Why do you blog? Since I seem to be something of an inspiration to her (and one of her favorite bloggers!!!!) I would do a sore disservice by not answering this myself. Not just a comment for me! No no no. I gotta post this one. Especially since her answer is so much like mine. So I decided to "borrow" her answer and apply a little "editorial license" to the mix. What you get is today's post. Which also explains the title...

The funny thing is that I didn't come to blogworld to blog myself. I'm nosy, so I loved reading other people's shit. I'm opinionated (and I don't always tone down my comments to not appear overly critical), so I created a blogger ID to let other people know what I thought about their posts. The first place I left a comment was here. Then I realized that you could click on everyone's name and see their page, and click on the names of the people who came to their page and so on and so on. I was hooked...still am to a degree.

I got started September of last year. A little case of phoneus interruptus kept me at bay for a while so I couldn't continue posting until March of this year. It started slowly and then I started getting harrassed by her (to this day she still harrasses me, but I love her anyway) to update my page, so I got with the program and did my thing. I was gonna be different! I was gonna post every day...some times twice a day - yeah effin right! LOL...I was so psyched! Well, okay, I did post damn near every day with as many as five posts at a time. No wonder why some of you are so spoiled... My posts back then were usually really long rants about other folks situations. Now I have jokes when I'm too lazy to put a post together (on the OTHER page) or long rants when my level of pisstivity is really high or no post when I am REALLY lazy. I really do try to stay away from long rants because honestly when I see a long rant, I rarely read the whole thing, so why should anyone read mine? That said, I guess I will stop the blatant plagarism before it does get too long. But you must admit she did do such a good job that stealing was easy.

Other Random Shit

DAMN! I was looking at my damn countdown timer on my start page. I missed the milestone! I was gonna post for that. Well anyway, here goes.

G.eorge B.ush's ass is almost gone. My timer says that his ass has less than a year left! I am almost excited except for two things. One is that a year is still quite enough time to get us all killed. Or at least mess up our prospects for having a prosperous Christmas shopping season for another two years! Two is that a year from now Stupid America will have another shot at electing another ineffective dumbass. For those of you who don't know, Stupid America is the demographic of folk who are responsible for this mess. NOT the ones who voted for him the first time. We all know what up on that. But Stupid America is the sum total of idiots who REELECTED his ass! I bet you know at least two!

On another note. Just reading J's continuing struggle with the crazy elder child, I am inspired to start a business. It's called Rent-A-Belt. Yeah, that is right. You heard me. For those parents who are under siege and can't take it anymore, you can hire a "hit" man. Adjust their attitudes while out for a movie! Motivate them to correct report card "errors". Find out who really did break your crystal bowl in the White Living Room (you know the room where kids (and some relatives) are never allowed in?). Hell, I am even thinking of naming the website go-pick-me-a-switch.com!

Recently I ended up in a room that was barely big enough to fit the bed in it. I bet you can guess what happened after that right? Yep. I got to play Spiderman! I think the couple in the other room was playing Hulk vs. She-Hulk...

On Some Silly Shit!

You know it occurred to me that sex can be a costly thing if you are a guy on Viagra and you need a hooker to use it!

If a dog is going to town licking his own ass, is it because they don't have toilet paper in dogworld or because he enjoyed his last meal THAT much?

Why do people wanna share when they find something that stinks most horribilius? Is it because they for some reason think that their own nose is a chronic liar or something?

I am thoroughly convinced that money is wasted on the old and youth is wasted on the young. Think about it.

If you think that God doesn't have a sense of humor then peep this. One of the most fun things to do in the world is REPRODUCTION. However the little beings that result are just as much NOT fun raising their little ungrateful asses as they were to make.

I still do not understand this younger generation. Why is having your ass outside of your pants a cool thing? Is game that lacking these days that they have to show some skin before anybody will even listen?

Something occurred to me recently regarding masturbation. Those who would tell you that it is bad are some selfish and jealous sumbitches. I say this because they are pissed that another person can enjoy sex WITHOUT their asses being involved. How self centered is that? "How dare you get off without my participation!!!"

I think that weed should be legalized. The main side effects are lethargy and obesity. Which if you think about it, a large portion of the weed smokers are already either fat or lazy bastards anydamway! Outlaw tobacco! Hell the high ain't as good, it stinks just as bad and is more addictive! You do the math!

Cheesin'

I'm a favorite!!! I'm a favorite!!! I'm a favorite!!! [dancin' and doin' a jig]. By BBFF said it and now she can't take it back!!!! I am somebody's favorite!!!! Yeah! Hmmm... Suddenly I feel bad for sleeping at night now... Ah well. That will soon change and I will be back on the Vampire Shift again. If it is any consolation, Divalicious Opinions is the first place I land in blogworld after I open up my own page. Hey, booty AND bubbles, what more could a guy want?

SBM ISO PTB for ????

For those of you not indoctrinated into the world of personal ads. That meant Silly Blogging Male In Search Of Part Time Bloggers for ??? For what you ask? What else do part time bloggers do? Blog part time of course! What did ya think, I was cruising for some freaky sneaky? Er... Well that is beside the point completely and not the reason for this writing. Although turning it down out right is not what I am gonna do...

Anyway. Now that you got me off track and such! What I was thinking about before you dirty minded people corrupted my thoughts is... Um... Ah...

Seem to have lost my mined. That sucks of course.

You know if there were some other part time folk contributing to a community blog, I wouldn't have these problems remembering to stay up to date. Now if only I could remember what I was talking about...

Slughurlers Delight

Watchoutdehnah! TSSE is officially nearly dangerous! As you all know, Michigan is a Shall-issue state. So damn near every Tom, Dick and Harry can carry. And yeah, I am on the way too. Today was class. It was something of a joy to participate in. A day after my little brother turned 24 we sat in class together while my dad (who paid for us) hung out. It was pretty cool all said. I think my dad enjoyed it the most though. He got to sit in class with his two sons and THEN go out and watch us give an old landfill area (the gun range) lead poisoning. Seems now the reputation for shooting things has touched another man child in the family. Little bro definitely is dangerous with a Glock in his hand. Although I think I would have been a little more deadly myself with a smaller weapon. On the other hand I used dad's big ol' .38 out there. I would have to say that I was a bit more imposing to observe. That and I managed to still shoot six rounds, reload four and finish those in the same time that most of the rest of the folk with their semi-autos did the same drill. Now comes the contests at the range when we find our own weapon of choice. Then we shall see. Of course my instructor let me dump a couple of clips into the target after class with his own weapon. That one was really nice. It may have made my final list in fact. Strangely enough, it is one of those pistols on my list. Just in a different caliber.

In fact I will introduce you to it right here.

Lost And Found

Y'all remember when I was bitching about folk moving stuff where I couldn't find it? Well...

I done lost my two favorite game disks so I can't reload the damn things since I had to start fresh with the storage and OS. I ain't' sure if I lost them or somebody else did! Either way I am pissed! So if you see a Ghost Recon or Madden 2004 CD hanging around looking lost or something, direct them bad boys my way!

And I done found that list that I had lost. You know the one that I didn't call my New Year's Resolutions? Remember that one? No? Well of course you wouldn't. It disappeared before I could share it. And I call it the most recent addendum to My Life Philosophy. And it goes a little something like this...HIT IT! (yeah I miss En Vogue...)

• Get Wealthier
• Get Healthier
• Get Educated
• Get Selfish
• Get Closer
• Get Distant
• Get Mobile
• Get Gone
• Get Your Duty Done
• And most of all DO whatever it takes to make a life better... YOURS!!!!!!

Each of these things mean more than one thing on their own, so the list is a little general. But it pretty much encompasses the steps I need to take to get myself where I WANT to be!

Vanishing Acts And Such...

Yeah. I been gone again for a hot minute. But I haven't been online much unless it has been to find a bunch of drivers or some programs.

See what had happened is... My damn computer experienced a catastrophic hard disk crash. I lost the boot sector on my boot drive. So no Windoze for me. So no online or anything else for me either. So I have been in the process of getting the old girl back up to speed. The first step was buying a nice new (blazing fast) hard disk. The new drive is 40 times larger than the old one. So much bigger that I may even get rid of the second drive too! It is 8 times larger than the second one, the data drive. AND I decided to install the copy of Win XP I got from my cousin. And am now dealing with the learning curve AND the incompatibilities. But it seems to be better. Especially since Gates Inc. still supports it, and everyone else as a result. So I can actually load software that works and gets updated now. Unless of course the registration doesn't go too well and I have to uninstall it...

But that is why I ain't been here. That and still dealing with all that doctor stuff and such. But I always think about y'all!

On Meeting Ratatouille

Some random encounters stick to you long after the moment has passed. This is a somewhat fictionalized account of one that happened during my time off.

The scene, the Detroit Promenade. For those uninitiated, it is a river walkway/park area primarily located in Downtown Detroit. This particular night The Wife and I selected a bench right behind Cobo Center near Joe Louis Arena. We had picked up a sack of White Castle Cheeseburgers on the way down to spend a little "alone" time.

As usual for the Promenade at night, there were the occasional passers-by, walking, cuddling, skating, pedaling, and peddling their way past. We spent about an hour sharing food, and warmth and stories and affection. Then things went a little strange. And it goes a little something like this. Hit it!

We saw some movement over to the right.
The Wife: "What was that?"
Me: "Huh?" Turning to look. "Oh shit!"
TW: "Is that what I think that is?"
Me: "It is if you think it is a big ass rat!"
TW: "Oh hell naw!"
Me: "Bold little fucker isn’t it?"
TW: "I think he went under that bush."
Me: "As long as he stays the hell under there then we got no problem!"
Turning back to the river
Me: "Like I said, if I had a boat that damn big, I could have a huge crib below and still have a club and a restaurant on the upper deck." Referring to the cargo ship heading upriver.
TW: "You really need a boat that big?"
Me: "Hey, I like my space. Besides…What the hell?"
Rattatouille: "Something sure smells good around here."
Me: "What the…"
Rat: "Is them White Castles?"
Me: "Yeah. Uh… Do you realize that your kind brings disease and my kind kills yours with extreme prejudice to avoid high health care costs and painful rabies shots?"
Rat: "Okay, okay. I’m leaving."
Me: "Did you see that?"
TW: "I guess he ain’t that afraid."
Me: "Apparently not. Bold AND brave."
TW: "I hope he stays under that bush. I don’t like… There he is again!"
Rat: "Yo! This is a nice car. What kind is it?"
Me: " It’s a… Why? You got license?"
Rat: "Nah. But it smells like White Castles! Thought there might be some in there! Besides you get more stuff from being nice to people."
Me: "Can’t argue that. But no. There aren’t anymore in there."
Rat: "Does it go to White Castle?"
Me: "Uh… Yeah. But we already been. And no return trips!"
Rat: "Hey! I’m just sayin…"
Me: "Do you mind? We trying to be alone in public here! And don’t be trying to steal the car either!"
Rat: "ALRIGHT! I’m leaving!"
Me: "What the…? Some muhfuggas got a lotta nerve!"
TW: "A little determined something…"
Me: "Yeah. All these other people and he comes to harass us."
TW: "Nobody is gonna believe this."
Me: "Hell, I don’t believe it. You look cold. You betta slide over here and get in on this heat I am generating."

Insert five minutes of cuddling and chatting. HERE!
And then…

Me: "AW HELL NAW!"
TW: "WHAT!!!"
Me: "I know dis muthafucka DID NOT walk up on us like that!"
TW: "WHAT?!?"
Me: "That son of a bitch was on the bench right next to us!"
TW: "What?
Me: "His ass can run like a muhfugga too!"
Rat: "Dude! I didn’t mean no harm. I just figured if I eased on over I could act like I was with the group and get in on them Castles. You know one for you, one for her, one for me."
Me: "Group? Since when did TWO constitute a group?"
Rat: "Aw, das cold man! Why you gotta be like that? "
Me: "Maybe you forgot that extreme prejudice part?"
Rat: "I remember, but I don’t care. Them burgers be callin’ me man. That shit just be callin' me man, it be callin' me, man... I just got to go to it!"
TW: "Did he just quote New Jack City?"
Me: "Uh… yyyeeaaahhhh. Okay, time to go!"
Rat: "You leaving?"
Me: "You got it! Listen, Pookie…Ratatouille…whatever your name is. We out this muhfugga. You can have ya spot back."
Rat: "I just wanted one."
Me: "Well you can have whatever you can find in the bag…"
Rat: "Cool, I will just take that…"
Me: "…AFTER we have gone!"
Rat: "Okay! Sorry."
Me: "Let’s go babe!"
TW: "Okay, THAT was different!"
Me: "Yeah, lock the doors!"

Heard yelled out from the garbage can as we left…

Rat: "HEY! These boxes are empty! There ain’t nothing but smell and three pickles left!!! This orange drink is the bomb though! Come back soon!"

Shaking our damn heads as we left.
Me: "You know I am bringing Mousekiller next time we come out here!"
TW: "I don’t think your bb gun is gonna be enough for that one."
Me: "I think you may be right…"

Time

Man. It has been two weeks since the last post here. I know I said slow motion, but this is ridiculous. Truthfully I don't know where the time has been going. I guess I have been keeping myself busy with other things. I just really can't identify them. Feels like I have lost days. I am gonna have to stop sleeping at night or something and get caught up! THAT is what it is. I sleep during the night now. Fell outta my vampirism stage again. Most of my online time is spent in the quiet overnight hours when good folk are calling hogs and such. Hmmm... Knowing me, I will be up all night again soon.

There are things that I will leave here as reminders for my next few posts (whenever they happen).

• On meeting Rattatouille.
• Understanding those you may be dependent on.
• The Horny Dog Theory.
• The Bell Curve Theory.
• Things I can't make sense of...
• More Words of the Week
  

Till I get back to them. I will let y'all marinate on these things. Until then Luv, Peace Of Mind, and Hair Gel!

Best Of The Best - Part Deux.

Here is another list of favored posts that I have run across. These were particularly thought provoking, inspiring or plain flat out funny. I will have to mine my mind for some others. I am sure there are others that I have forgotten. But I will find them... Until then, have a good time with these! This time I am providing links to the particular goodies.

The Brutha Code and Tha gootchie. - and other madness! Feel it!
Diva's damn game - If you can't find it you are either dead or blind! Play it!
AlwaysFunkyFresh's bad Boston date. - You gotta read it to believe it! Go on it!
Nikki Indigo and Cars - An idle mind truly went too far! (not that I don't do it myself...) Drive it!
Nikki Indigo and her sperm. - Only she could come up with this! Screw it!
MzCoko ...And We Are Beautiful. - And so is she for posting this! Love it!
AlwaysFunkyFresh's Friday Follicles. - Yep. Fresh is at it again! Springer it!
TDJ's Bricks - What a building! (please come back) - Stack it!
Deepnthought and her thanks to bloggers. - So touching. Touch it!
The Assimilated Negro's dick letter - This fresh of his own greatest hits list. Stroke it!

Life And My Nutz

Just when I thought I was out, they pull me back in...
- Michael Corleone

I so agree. I was out. YOU brought me back. The four guiltiest I am shining the spotlight on. Because I want the world to know who is responsible for you reading what follows! Opinionated Diva and J are the first up on the catwalk. These two ladies have launched a campaign to make me feel guilty for leaving, yet missed for being gone. I am touched. Deepnthought for thanking folk for blogging. She didn't mention my blog by name. For that I am thankful because the pressure to perform would have been overwhelming. Yet I was moved. And Nikki Indigo for two reasons. The first is because we kept missing each other here and there. But what she is most guilty of is getting me thinking about MY NUTZ with her post about the sperm. Both posts will of course make my next "greatest hits" post. So now you all know who to thank, or blame for today's madness.

Without further ado, I shall introduce you to the newest in a series of thoughts provoked I call The Bullshit Theories.
The others shall follow in the days to come... Just as I promised two months ago...

The Destiny Scorned Theory

Sometimes a man is forced to take matters into his own hands. I am no different. There are times when I have to take the thing that matters most into either hand and "massage" my "ego".
Yeah, you heard me right. Jacking. Wanking. Buffing the Banana. Jackin' the Beanstalk. Spank the Frank. Charming the snake. Tickling the pickle. Choke the chicken. Yank the plank. Clean the pipes. Pet the one eyed snake. Stroke the salami. Tossing off. Eh... I think you get the idea.

Of course that got me to thinking about the negative effects of such self gratification. And believe me, it IS gratifying!!! What does that say about me? ASIDE from horny (you smart asses!) What I am getting around to is: Am I a criminal for Jackin' Beats?

Sure. There are plenty of people who will argue for days about the fate of your genetic material AFTER it is matched with someone else's. In fact some are so crazy that they have attempted to abort adults who have considered aborting a fetus. But who speaks up for the truly little guys? Have you ever? I mean 50% of each and every one of us started out just that way. Determined to succeed and destined to be a person. So we ain't here to talk about abortions. Unless you REALLY want to discuss the issue. But the we will only discuss YOURS (i.e. YOU for trying to start some shit).

Back to me and my potentially criminal act. What kind of crime is it? What is it called? Is jacking Genocide? That could fit the bill since it is killing off a large number who have similar characteristics. Suicide? I mean I am getting rid of well... me! But then I am still here afterward, okay, no. Biocide? I guess it could be that. But just calling the little fellas "living material" seems a touch TOO impersonal. Feticide, Infanticide and Homicide fall by the wayside because of the timing. Prolicide? Hmm... a stretch. Also due to timing. Spermicide? Eh....Sorta. Maybe when it relates to a substance for the purpose. But I never INTEND for them to die. Vivicide? Hmm... A little broad on that one. The murder/annihilation of any and all forms of life is a fairly broad stroke to paint.
Hmmm.... I guess I will have to coin a new phrase for this one. Sooooo.... The New Words Of The Week: Special Edition has the following definition. This one I just made up, so don't go looking on Urban Dictionary or anything. I will call the act - Suigenocide - The killing off of your own future generations. Tada!!!!!!

This of course begs the question. Are frigid women accomplices in suigenocide? I mean it ain't considered suigenocide if at least one has even a snowball's chance of accomplishing it's mission. To all the women over time who have left my nutz on extra full, you are partially to blame! If you weren't bullshitting when it was time for the get down, they wouldn't have had to live and die and empty and meaningless existence! No chance at destiny for them, because of you!

Which of course begs another question. Rubbers are they a mechanism for teasing sperm? I mean let's be honest here. Rubbers are no different than GWB. He sends massive amounts of forces on a mission that they have been heavily trained for. With NO expectation that the mission will get accomplished. In fact the sending and target nations both know the mission will likely not be accomplished because of the success barrier. But everyone goes through all of the motions. Troops are deployed. Invasion. Conflict. No closure. The only ones who don't know that the whole thing was about something different than what was said are the ones doing the actual fighting.

Which begs another question. (feeling like Kieth Sweat with all of the begging going on in here!) Is the pill a destiny thief? This thing is much like The First Gulf War. Where the troops are deployed on the mission. But they run around hither and fro looking for something to shoot. They of course die of boredom since there ain't nobody home. All that destiny and nowhere to go.

And yet another question! Spermicide. Murder? I should say so. This stuff is there with the specific purpose of killing off the little fellas. The sucky part is that they get invited to the party and THEN get assassinated. What a way to go. You get your eyes on the prize, just before the bullet hits you...

So! Am I bad for killing off 50 millions potential doctors, writers, lawyers, male escorts and others for pleasure? I will leave you to chew on that one. Especially since you all are as guilty as me with assisting billions to an untimely departure!

Almost...

Damn. I was about to drop a serious one on y'all. But it appears that my ass is tired. Bed here I come! Later y'all!

Gaming Rant

Halo 3 is out.

Project Gotham Racing 4 next week.

No Xbox 360.

Damn! DAMN!! DAAAAAMMMMMNNNNN!!!!!!!!!!

On Time Out

Hmm... I stopped by earlier and noticed it was a little dusty in here. A little underutilized. A little old. A little neglected. My last set of posts are now more than 10 days old. My last rebutting of a comment was nearly as old. My New Words of the Week are two weeks in arrears. Soon to be three. And...

Aw hell. I don't even have the words to explain it at this time. I guess that is the problem. My words are failing me for now.

So I will be taking a break. Don't know how long. But I do know when. Now. I will come back to it when the universe realigns itself or some other extraordinary event happens.

"The Truth..." will likely be updated more than this site. In fact you may not even notice the difference over there. But this one is on stop for an undetermined time after this post.

If ya need me, my e-mail address is in my profile. Hit me up if ya feel. I do check that fairly often. And check your own comment areas. I will still haunt the joints as the mood strikes me. Especially Opinionated Diva's. Her and them damn bubbles...

But for now... Later!

A Little Quiz: The Answers!

I got 1, 2, 4, 5 & 7 correct.
Opinionated Diva got 2, 4 & 7 correct! Partial credit is given for # 9 (5 of 6).

And don't go asking how I know #5 like YOU ain't had a drink here and there! I just know okay!

Answers To Quiz:

1. The one sport in which neither the spectators nor the participants know the score or the leader until the contest ends...
Boxing

2. North American landmark constantly moving backward .
Niagara Falls (The rim is worn down about two and a half feet each year because of the millions of gallons of water that rush over it every minute.)

3. Only two vegetables that can live to produce on their own for several growing seasons...
Asparagus and rhubarb.

4. The fruit with its seeds on the outside...
Strawberry.

5. How did the pear get inside the brandy bottle?
It grew inside the bottle. (The bottles are placed over pear buds when they are small, and are wired in place on the tree. The bottle is left in place for the entire growing season. When the pears are ripe, they are snipped off at the stems.)

6. Three English words beginning with dw
Dwarf, dwell and dwindle.

7. Fourteen punctuation marks in English grammar...
Period, comma, colon, semicolon, dash, hyphen, apostrophe, question mark, exclamation point, quotation marks, brackets, parenthesis, braces, and ellipses.

8. The only vegetable or fruit never sold frozen, canned, processed, cooked, or in any other form but fresh...
Lettuce.

9. Six or more things you can wear on your feet beginning with "s".
Shoes, socks, sandals, sneakers, slippers, skis, skates, snowshoes, stockings, stilts.

Dissatisfaction Maximus

I have done it! I have hit the wall. I have gotten as low as one can get without taking actions that are described by words the end in -cide. And if you really know me, you are absolutely positive that "sui" ain't on the damn list!

Why?

I am halved. The person who makes my existence wonderful sleeps in a room 10 miles away.

I am broken. I am supposed to be the linchpin of an organization called My Family. And It seems my extended family. Of course things ain't working so well cause the pin is broke. So the whole thing runs like a triangular wheel. Imagine if you will, trying to take a shit on a toilet seat that doesn't have the screws that attach it to the toilet. Not the most stable situation. Trust me, I know this first hand. I still ain't figured how my toilet seat fasteners got broke... But that is a different story.

I am in crisis. Mid life crisis. I think. I can't be sure because I am not able to indulge in the kinds of activities that indicate such a crisis. Mine will likely involve a Buell Lightning XB12Scg or a Yamaha R1 (Team Blue). After the starter bike of course... But I can't of course do that because...

I am BROKE! Far too much to say on that one. Neither you nor I have that kind of time.

I owe. Far too much. Not because I am a deadbeat. Not because I am bad with money management. I just looked at my credit reports. Not as horrible as I imagined. More stuff settled than not. Why do I owe? See the answer directly above. I owe the state and three cities because I was too broke to pay my traffic fines. Iris and the remaining creditors because I was not able to complete my debt elimination plan due to an unceremonious dumping into the pool of the unemployed in a HORRIBLE economy. Still ain't cured of that disease. The wife, kids and dog because they deserve far better than this.

I am withdrawn. Life threatening illnesses to both parents over the last five years. The shame of those I loved most turning on each other like a pack of jackals as a result. Bullshit. Lies. Jealousy. Theft. etc. At one point I wanted to slay them all, just to stop them. The parents did survive the illnesses. But they have been changed.

I am suspicious. I don't trust anyone the way I used to. I am wondering about folks motivations nowadays. "What if" lives in the front of my mind. Because of this, I had to make the single worst decision of my life. Because of that...

I am torn. In two. I had to decide between my favorite two people in the world. I had to decide who needed me most. I had to let my wife leave an intolerable situation and in turn me because I couldn't leave my mother in a less than favorable situation. Not after her disability. I would have felt no different than if I had driven a large knife through her chest. Sorry. Not on my watch. So...

I worry. About stress and blood pressure. My wife is under great stress because of logistics and the crap surrounding the situation. My mom had two strokes because of very high blood pressure. I got both on me. My blood pressure is due to the stress (a large part anyway) of the whole situation. The worst part being...

I am dependent. On one or both women. Depending on how you look at the situation. That shit eats me alive. Don't pat me on the back for I may shatter from being so hollow. Or I may choke for being so melodramatic!

I am not happy with the choices or the alternatives. And most unhappy with the fact that I have essentially regressed 25 years. I feel 15 again. Helping to take care of mom through her illness while she supports me. Hmmm... I have come full circle. Didn't see that before. I guess there are too many other complications now for me to look from the outside. But yeah. I am back to that. Cancer instead of Stroke. High School instead of Wife and Kids. Puberty instead of Situational Bullshit. To quote Heather Headley "Oh no, here I go again!"

A Contradictory Being

That be me.

I believe in live and let live. Just do that shit away from me. You might intrude on my shit!

I have traditionally been a loner. But recently I have been considering joining several different organizations.

• The AMA because of my motorcycle infatuation.
• The NRA because they advocate for my right to carry my death dealer legally. Oops! Did I say Death Dealer? I meant Criminal Deterrent Device.
• And the one that surprised even me, I have seriously thought about joining a fraternity! Betcha can't guess which one...

I love and respect women to the utmost. But I was almost sorry to see BET: Uncut get cancelled. What can I say? I like to see asses jiggle but don't like bar smoke!

Like most parents, I want to see my children grow an prosper and go out into the world to do things for themselves. But I believe most parents have hard time visualizing such a thing happening. At least I do.

I respect the right and conviction of those who can and DO drive the speed limit, especially on the freeway. I just hate when they exercise their rights and stick to their convictions in front of me! I drive a Mustang gotdammit!!! Get the fukk outta the way! I know I am in the right damn lane! That is still no excuse! Move Yo Ass!!!!

I am all for saving the environment. Except when it affects me twisting the throttle on a bike (future), or me stomping my gas pedal (now). Kinda hard to feel the need for speed with a "green" vehicle.

This is just the tip of the iceberg y'all. I just don't want it to become a book. This of course WILL be continued in (likely) several parts...

Alignment: Revisited

Yep. I think I recently experienced yet another alignment change. I think I have moved into the Neutral Evil sphere of thinking. For those of you who aren't D & D geeks, this particular tidbit may not mean much of anything. If you are completely lost on the whole thing, my previous visit to this subject may explain a bit. Check it out here

If you happen to be an aforementioned geek, or you are just returning from the linked post the your mind may be going a bit. You are probably wondering what priest of which good or neutral god I have slain to push me over the edge. Nothing so dramatic has happened. Yet.

However. My base attitude can most definitely be described as "I truly could give a slow fuck or a hot damn shit!" About most anything these days. My prior shift in attitude basically was me departing from the good citizen arena. This time I am giving the greater good a swift kick in the ass. The greater good. Now that one is a joke. The way I see it, if it ain't good for me then it ain't no good at all. Let someone else worry about that shit! I think I am so low in Maslow's Hierarchy that "Aggressively Selfish" is what you can call the core of my motivations. I plan on using that to my benefit.

Strangely enough, I think I need to be that way. Just to save my sanity.

After a while, I may return to Chaotic Neutral. Then I will read this and laugh.
I may even rediscover Lawful Good, and be motivated to delete this post...
If I have saved my sanity.

New Words Of The Week 6!

1. Remasculate - Just in case you didn't get it right the first time.

2. Ligamortis - Save face any way you can!

3. KIEBLER - J made me do this one!

4. Poochacha - A rose by any other name...

5. Belt Butt - Who? Me?

6. Big Mac - Diva made me do it!

7. Nom De Blog - This means you!

8. Sascrotch - Got comb?

9. Motorcock - Clever...

10. Taurus Excretus - Stinky too!

11. Boob Bucks - You know you done it!

12. Antagoblog - I won't mention any names...

13. One Pump Chump - Betcha met one!

14. Unprotected Sleep - The worst kind!

15. Oreo Effect - I wish somebody would do it now!

A Little Quiz

I got five right. Can you do better? I will post the answers to the quiz soon! This DOES count towards your final grade!

This is a quiz for people who know everything! I found out in a hurry that I didn't. These are not trick questions. They are straight questions with straight answers.

1. Name the one sport in which neither the spectators nor the participants know the score or the leader until the contest ends.

2. What famous North American landmark is constantly moving backward ?

3. Of all vegetables, only two can live to produce on their own for several growing seasons. All other vegetables must be replanted every year. What are the only two perennial vegetables?

4. What fruit has its seeds on the outside?

5. In many liquor stores, you can buy pear brandy, with a real pear inside the bottle. The pear is whole and ripe, and the bottle is genuine; it hasn't been cut in any way. How did the pear get inside the bottle?

6. Only three words in standard English begin with the letters " dw" and they are all common words. Name two of them.

7. There are 14 punctuation marks in English grammar. Can you name at least half of them?

8. Name the only vegetable or fruit that is never sold frozen, canned, processed, cooked, or in any other form except fresh.

9. Name 6 or more things that you can wear on your feet beginning with the letter "S."

Another Change!

It seems that my cool old layout is no longer available for use. So I must change to something else. May have to use the same thing for both sites... We shall see what I come up with!

New Words Of The Week 5! The Special "Hot" Edition!

Warning. The shyt that follows is nazzty! The Second Sixty-Eight does not advocate such techniques. They are merely offered for your... *ahem*... "education".

1. hot apple pie - Sounds a little painful. But if you need a little dessert...

2. hot buttered cock - May have to try this one though...

3. hot caesar pleaser - When in Rome...

4. Hot Carla - Just when you thought Carl didn't have a friend...

5. Hot Chester - Sometimes you just can't hold it...

6. hot charley - Especially good for those chilly winter days!

7. Hot Gaggle - Yep! Carl with friends!

8. Hot Gideon - Carl going even faster!

9. Hot Hornet - Whoa!!!

10. hot kirby - Beware of funny smells...

11. hot kiss - Ditto!

12. hot kitty - You know how cold natured them women get. This takes care of it!

13. hot smoothie - Self lubing...

14. hot morris - Who among us hasn't done this one?

15. Hot Pineapple Sauce - No thanks! Kool-Aid please!

Bonus!!!!
Hot Sanchez - SMDH...

Back On Slow

Wow. I just been counting. Not looking good! If you don't include the words of the week posts, I have only put up seven posts in the last two weeks. If not for Barry Bonds, it would have two words of the week posts in a row! But I ain't the only one. I was all ready to do another greatest reads post after I got to 100. But there haven't been that many. I guess I ain't the only one who been on slow. Hmmm... I guess that Atlanta air had an unforeseen effect. Got me some blogstipation it seems.

I guess I will go and surf for some porn. That may be just mindless enough to get my mind working on something more substantive.

New Words Of The Week 4!

1. blogwhore - uh...

2. Blogstipation - Been there! Done that!

3. blogonaut - You know who you are!

4. Bloggerazzi - First! Bytches!!!!

5. blogdouche - And you wonder why I don't allow anonymous commenting!?!

6. holy ghost enema - Can I get an Amen?

7. turn-pussy - I see them ALL the time!

8. Snowbird - LMAO!!! Florida you deserve it!

9. Pedomitzvah - Not to be confused with R.!

10. DSL - Not just for internet access!

11. cyberscort - The surprising thing is, it ain't uncommon!!!!

12. gamble gas - Don't act like you ain't been there before!

13. assweasel - A special kind of brown noser!

14. siamese whoopee cushion - Must only work for white folk...

15. Cincinnati Air-Freshener - Been victim and victimizer!

I done lampooned the bloggers this week! So have a healthy laugh at yaselves! Next week the really disgusting stuff! A sample...

Bonus: Cincinnati Juicebox - After this one juice just ain't the same. Sticking to water from now on...

The Record!

Today Barry Lamar Bonds sits atop the record books again. He has surpassed one of baseballs greatest records. He now has more home runs than any player in Major League Baseball history.

Congratulations Barry!

I seem to be in the minority with that statement. Since most people say instead "Cheater Barry!".

Sad really. An achievement that takes a whole career to accomplish gets dirt kicked on it. Because of suspicions. Not that anything was proven mind you. But suspicions. To my admittedly limited understanding (mostly because I just don't really care) Baseball has been testing players for the last five years. If that is true then why do folk still have "suspicions"? How inept do you have to be if you can't catch a drug user after five years of drug tests? Did I say inept? Maybe I should have said willfully blind. Because we all know that is exactly what it is. Only when some record is in question does the whole issue even come to light. And even then only when it is convenient. When McGuire and Sosa were tag teaming balls out of the park, baseball was suffering from a serious identity crisis. Almost to the point of dying as a draw in the United States. But their race was "good for baseball" at the time. Yet Sosa had been suspended before for using a corked bat. And McGuire had all but admitted to "juicing" to Congress (by strategic non-answers).

I ain't one to advocate use of performance enhancers and such. But then again, that ain't important. When the folk who pay the bills take a strong stand against such things, that is when the issue is important. When integrity is more important than money, things may change. Yeah... keep waiting on that!

So today I say congats to you Barry. You managed to do 756 times what 99.95% of the muhfuggas who are talking shit about you couldn't do once.

Let them talk. You just passed Hank Aaron. A bunch of them been talking shit about him for the last 33 years! And they liked him a lot more than they like you.

New Words Of The Week 3!

1. Dink Frump - HUH?

2. man nod - 'Sup!

3. Sixty-eight - I had to do this one!

4. sixty-nine 11 - something interesting to try...

5. Pork Orc - If you work in an office, you done met one!

6. ignoranus - You know you know at LEAST one!

7. Hand Baby - Scary!

8. Hannukah Lewinsky - YEAH!!!!!!

9. magoo - The first definition is the best!

10. plunging the happy hole - Don't act like it don't happen in ya house!

11. Strumpetulance - Cause hoes got a 'tude too!

12. She-Tox - For those who are TOO whipped!

13. Michigan - Tha Dirty Glove!

14. Booty Do - Also known as the Club Special!

15. preferosexual - When Bi just ain't the right term...

Too Damn Sad.

Three young people were killed and one was wounded in a school yard attack in Newark.

Three friends were forced to kneel against a wall behind an elementary school and were shot to death at close range, and a fourth was found about 30 feet away with gunshot and knife wounds to her head

Find the story here.

This here is one more reason to get my CCW. And I think that .45 may be the caliber I settle on. The cops can't save you. They do paperwork and investigation AFTER THE FACT.

Sigh....

Evia Moore was quoted in an Associated Press article today. The shame, the shame. As if being born black and with a dick was not enough on it’s own. Now the national press giving THAT nut some press? I feel set back about 400 years. I don’t know about anyone else…

My Folks!

Warning:: This is a long ass post!

We arrived in Atlanta a day early for some plans that didn’t happen. So to relieve the boredom we decided to explore a bit. The first instance was the night we arrived in town. The Wife and I brought three teenagers along for the ride. The kids and their cousin. We got to town late in the morning. We checked in, ordered pizza, ate around noon and crashed. I was the first awake at about 5:00 in the evening. We sat around, watched TV and asked them what they wanted to do. Being teenagers, they of course had no opinion. Several recommendations later, nothing. Later on we encouraged one of the girls to go and explore. The other one of course went with her. The boy on the other hand was experiencing heaven (cable tv) and was not about to unvelcro his butt from the bed. Until I spelled it out for him. "BOY! YOUR SISTER AND FEMALE COUSIN ARE LEAVING THE HOTEL WITHOUT YOU! GET YA DAMN SHOES ON AND TAG ALONG!!!!" Of course my next statement to him would have involved what was going to happen in that room in the next 10 minutes whether he was there or not. Fortunately he ain’t THAT dense!

After a spirited christening of another city we decided to take a stroll ourselves. We took a walk around the 2 blocks that contained the MARTA station. Bending the second corner we found the first Atlanta Starbucks. And more shocking to The Wife, we encountered her first bug. We both happened to look down and saw a big ass bug walking across the sidewalk. She let out a little yelp and asked what the hell that was. I sweetly and diplomatically told her "That is what they call a Palmetto Bug down these parts" I wasn’t gonna tell her that was a cockroach until we were far enough away. I wasn’t carrying her ass back to the hotel! Next intersection we see a couple of clubs, and another Starbucks. Bend the corner to head back toward the hotel. I bet you can guess what was on the next corner! I started to wonder how they stayed in business until I noticed the number of expensive German and Japanese sedans roaming the area. By the time I got back to the hotel, I noticed that somehow I managed to walk uphill almost the whole way…

The next day we got the same "I don’t know" answer when I asked them where they wanted to go. So I decided to show them where I went to school there, a million years ago. This had to be the event of the trip. I had been telling my wife I went to school in the middle of the projects and it was right outside of downtown. Those were only slight exaggerations. After the told me to go anywhere I accessed my old memories and headed for West End. New and vigorous downtown gave way to old and scary. They missed the really good part of the adventure because I missed my turns. When I finally emerged it was at West End Mall. I can’t even describe their reactions. Needless to say I was laughing at them for the next hour or so. Pointed out the colleges of the AUC one by one. As I drove by pointing out all of the changes since I had been down there. Then through the hood. They surprised me by wanting to stop at a store. So I did.

It was almost surreal. Hoodies came out of the woodwork. One dude started wiping of the hubcaps to the car, "out of the goodness of his heart". Another walked up asking for 15 cents! Got out of the car with little cuz, because she wanted to stop. I walked in and saw plexiglass as far as the eye would want to see! And old wood paneling! And that is it! I then heard "I’m straight" and I turned around to see her narrow ass getting back in the car. She just left me standing there y’all! We beat a hasty retreat out of there after that! It would have been hastier but I didn’t wanna run over hubcap man who was still working on the wheels! We laughed about that for the rest of the day. I wonder if any of them will leave it up to me to decide again?

The Varsity

Warning:: This is a long ass post!

This little story starts near the end of the meet and greet. My family is known to gather together and hang. And I do mean hang. This particular night was the first full night of the event. And the rooms in which the dinner was held were closed around nine or ten. So a group of us "tweeners" decided to keep the party going. Since the meet and greet only had finger food, folk mentioned the need to deal with their hunger. So the idea that we should go as a group came up. And some wanted to explore for food on foot. I felt this was trouble but kept quiet. I don’t get to hang with them that often so a little (bucket of) sweat was a small price to pay to hang with my favorite cousins. The idea that won was a little stroll to The Varsity. The Varsity is a famous Atlanta drive-in restaurant which serves hot dogs and hamburgers and such. The first problem was that the Atlanta resident in the group lived on the other side of the city. The second problem was that those wanting to walk had just arrived within the prior six hours and hence didn’t know the lay of the land. The third problem involved someone mentioning that it was only three blocks away. I knew better since the wife and I had gotten a day early and had to hunt for food the night before. So we didn’t pay attention to how far it actually was since we turned a few times and were distracted by the driving of the residents. But we knew it was more that three blocks. We just hadn’t realized how far…

In truth the three block walk would turn into a 17 block odyssey. So Me and The Wife, The Prophet, Big P, The Chocit and Banilla Revolutionaries, The Ol’ War Vet, Six, The Fire Man, DJ Beav, and The Ghost Writer headed on out. Now to call the terrain in Atlanta rolling is being charitable. I would have sworn that I needed mountain climbing gear along with my towel. By four blocks we ran across the Checkers which was the nearest food to the hotel. And at that time NO one noticed that we couldn’t see The Varsity even though we were at the top of a hill. I felt like I was dying but it was down hill for quite a ways. Someone asked how much farther by then. Some security guard told us three or four more blocks. Of course we found a grocery store that far down. So a couple of folk decided to hit the ATM while the rest of us stood guard. Shortly after that we ran across a panhandler who wanted a quarter. When he got not joy he said this: "I can’t get a quarter from all of y’all?" Now you would think he would stop right then? Noooo… "A whole bunch of y’all and I can’t even get 25 cents?" Irritating but still ignorable. Then "Just one quarter, and I can’t get it from all of y’all?" At this point I noticed a several folk cut their eyeballs back in his direction. I started counting the number of fists in the party. I wondered aloud if there were enough so that nobody had to use the same hand twice when we counted to 25 on his head. Eventually he got the point.

A few more blocks found us passing a Cheetah’s. At this time Big P attempted to persuade us to stop there instead. To which The Banilla Revolutionary replied "We doing all this walking to get something to eat! And what we gonna eat, you won’t find up in there! Besides I am strictly dickly!" I wasn’t about to argue with her… And then the conversation degenerated into a debate on prosthetic body parts and hair. More to the point if the bubble butted lady in front of Cheetah’s had ass implants.

The next block found us walking toward three wanna-be-gangstas. Gold chains, hip-hop gear, the whole nine. Now the beggar incident was still fresh and they wanted to act like they didn’t see ALL 11 OF US! Again I started counting fists and started doing division… After they passed us they turned the hell around! And they started walking in our direction! I think at that point some of the others were counting fists too! I was just hoping they were lost. For their sakes… They found their way before they caught back up.

The next two blocks found us near where we were going. The Wife had peeped this dude who rode past us twice. He then parked his car like two blocks uphill and got out. He then proceeded to switch his ass downhill for three blocks to a club. There were two open doors in his general direction. Me and The Wife took bets on which was the club he was headed to. She won the bet when the shim who was waiting on him sashayed outta the one she picked. Although the place smelled like an old basement when we went by.

FINALLY! The Varsity! I have to say that I was underwhelmed. There was a grip of folk behind the counter so it had to be a pretty hot spot. Especially on the weekend right? Crowded? Yes. Good? No. Everything seemed puny. Maybe that is why we are so fat in Michigan, too large portions… But the Chicken Finger combo (Onion rings, coke) was almost seven bucks! But it looked more like a chicken toe combo! And the hot dog that we thought was a chili dog actually had hamburger meat on it. And it was far too small for $1.70.

We left there and started to decide if we were gonna walk or ride back to the hotel. The riders won that vote! But the ones who wanted a drink won first! So we crossed the street and shared a couple of big ass beers and saw some fashion mistakes that kept us entertained. Ran into a waitress from Detroit who had managed the club where Six tended bar back in the day. Saw a street dude who was also from Detroit. You know those dudes who are really smart but look messed up as hell? Then we saw a dude who looked like he escaped from an Ivy League pub or something. You know the kind who have the sweater hanging over their backs with the sleeves tied around the neck? Did I mention that it was about 90 degrees at the time? And he didn’t match? And there was one chick who was wearing this crocheted dress that wasn’t the right size? Looked like someone had knitted a cozy for a pickle barrel. And we saw that same damn outfit at the African Art Festival the next day!

After the beer we stalked this cab driver who pulled up to the gas station across the street. We piled in and I nearly choked when he put the $12 on the meter before we even started. I guess we had six or so folk over the minimum. Then we all felt stupid as hell when he turned the corner toward the hotel because there was a damn friggin MARTA station sitting right on the corner! We could have saved all of that walking, the cab ride AND got the obligatory MARTA Train rides in at the same time! Drinking and walking don’t mix.

Porch Monkeying And Such...

Warning:: This is a long ass post!

This little story starts near the end of the reunion dinner. My family is known to gather together and hang. And I do mean hang. This particular night was the last full night of the event. And the rooms in which the dinner was held were closed around nine or ten. So a group of us "tweeners" decided to keep the party going. One cousin, The Prophet, had a bottle of wine he had been saving for a special occasion. Another cousin, Big P, had this gigantic bottle of Parrot Bay. So we all decided to transfer to the hotel courtyard for a little drinking and a lot of story telling. So we gathered the crew, the Chocit and Banilla revolutionaries, The Ol’ War Vet, Babyface, Twin Lady and Six. Yeah, yeah, I know we sound like the Justice League or something, but the names had to be changed to protect…something…

Anyhow, it was a little rainy outdoors at the time. And there was a porch that led to the courtyard. So there we went. The nine of us, respectfully, congregated at the far side of the entrance and had us some more drinks. And some stories. A lot of stories. A bag of Crown Royal and a bag of ice came out with Cousin Slim. A couple of aunts and uncles joined. And I had another drink.

By this time the talk of the Detroit-Atlanta People Mover kicked into high gear. So we decided to stroll across the street and jump on the MARTA around midnight. I have to say that it is interesting to see a bunch of half drunken 30 and 40 somethings on the move all wearing the same t-shirt. Then there was a great debate as to how to use the fare dispensers. The proper buttons were pushed and the associated monies paid. Off to the trains!

The cousin in Atlanta mentioned that the trains stopped running around 1:00. So we didn’t have a lot of time. We waited for about five minutes for the train. We hopped on and rode the five stations to Five Points Station. There we jumped off for the ride back. While in the station I noticed that we had quite a bit of time left and asked if they wanted to explore the station or take another train in a different direction. Then somebody noticed that the escalator was broken. So I went to find another one. Nobody followed. So I went back to the group and got on the next train back to where we came from. This train car however smelled like it had just pulled out from the Atlanta Zoo. So thankfully it was a short ride back to where we started.

Out of the station and into the bar across the street. That was an interesting place since it was the first bar that didn’t really have a set closing time. I have to say that was the cheapest bar run I have ever made. We all drank a shot with this guy who was fancying the t-shirts. All those shots he bought and still didn’t get the shirt… Was tasty though. Wish I could remember what it was called. But the $1 Rolling Rock made my day! Although we didn’t get him a shirt we did try to explain family relations and what they mean. I have to admit it is some hard to lock on subject matter when you have been drinking and you don’t have visual aids. I wonder if he remembers any of those explanations…

Out of the bar area and into their smoking area to join the smokers in the crowd. I guess we were having too much fun because one dude just came right up and joined us. I suppose the folk of less color were less colorful personalitywise also. Now I don’t know how they do where you come from, but where I come from party crashers are likely to get that ass spanked. And not in a fun way… But we were feeling rather peaceful so we let him entertain us. And he did. By trying to hit on Big P on the sly. Didn’t go over well but it wasn’t like we didn’t suspect such a thing to happen in Atlanta! After that we all crashed out and prepared for the long treks back across the You-Ess-Of-Ay!

Man B.

Did y'all see the sound byte from the press conference when Mz. Spice and Mz. Allred declared war on Donkey Norbit? Mel B. totally sounded like a dude. Her damn voice was deeper than mine! That child is gonna grow up so confused. A mother that looks like a mom and sounds like a dad. And a dad who looks like a donkey and sounds like a dad. They didn't call her ass Scary Spice for nothin! I couldn't have hit that in the dark. Cause if she said something in the dark I would have to jump the hell up and land on the light switch. Have me wondering what dude got into the room when I wasn't looking. Hmm... I will have to include earplugs in any future fantasies that she may star in.